Category Archives: healthy boundaries

NOt a NurSe NoR a PuRSe

Dating and Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, grief at 4 years, healthy boundaries, Loss, Miscellaneous, Nurse or Purse, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, Widows and Marriage, Widows Managing Finances
Absolutely the truth! I have deep sorrow because I will never have a picture of Loren and I holding each other close and dancing at this age.

My Grief Share girlfriends and I often joke how it is our intent to not be a “NURSE or a PURSE “.  We don’t say this out of spite.  For me, these words are out of self-protection and great awareness.

I know this sounds harsh for a widow to say, but the truth is, “There are men out there in the world who are trying to gain from a woman’s loss”.  When my brother in law died I remember hearing Loren warn his sister of those situations.  Two of my eight girlfriends have personally experienced this (Purse) in the past 6 years.  Of course, it could equally be said there are women out there who are happy to gain from a man’s loss.  And yes, I know there are good men in this world…

Should you assume most widows have wads of cash sitting around you are  dead wrong.  The truth is, most of us lost a large percentage of our household income. Even if there might have been life insurance most of us paid off bills with that money.  The circle of widows I hang with do not fit in the category of “Purse”.

When I married Loren at 20 years of age I willingly vowed to love him in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, through happy times and hard times. Not understanding the depth of what all that might entail, both of us fulfilled those vows. Granted, we weren’t always on cloud nine,  but I never lost my sense of commitment towards staying with the man I married, towards working alongside the man I married and enjoying the camaraderie with the man I married.

I was emotionally and devotionally prepared to eventually change his diapers….. whether it be because of illness or old age.  I had loved his body well throughout the years and to care for his future aging-physical-needs would’ve been an honest privilege.

I’ve become quite the people watcher, that is “an-elderly-married-couple-people-watcher”….  I smile as I watch them help each other.  I smile as I watch them communicate with each other, noting how each couple seems to have their own private language.  At 4 ½ years out,  I’m rarely jealous as I watch them.  Honestly, for-the-most-part I feel grateful that my spouse won’t have to physically care for my body as I age.

By now, a variety of people have asked me or said,  “Julia, do you ever think you will remarry?”  “Julia, you deserve to be loved again.” “You are just afraid”.  “I’d feel better knowing you have someone to watch out for you as you get older”. “The love won’t be the same as it was with Loren, there will never be another him, but you can find another love.”

I know I could (quote) “find another person to love”.  I just can’t imagine there ever being another man I’d want to SHARE MY LIFE WITH.  Loren, and our life together, set the bar very high.  Our lives flowed in and out of each other. To live with anything/anyone that would not meet those (dare I say it?)  “expectations / qualifications” would seem like a horrible letdown……plus:

  • I’m not willing to take a relationship risk whereas I was when I was 20.
  • I’ve also learned you don’t really know a person unless you’ve been around them for a few years in multiple life situations so, again, there’s too big of a price (emotionally and for the sake of my kids and grandkids) to take a risk.

Guess I don’t need to worry about becoming someone’s NURSE or PURSE.  Ha.

 

WIDOWS and THeiR ADulT CHildren. Chapter 1.

Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Grief, grief at 4 years, healthy boundaries, Loss, Miscellaneous, resolutions for the widow, Widows and aloneness, Widows and their Adult Children
I wasn’t raised to think this way.  As a married lady with a husband and children I certainly didn’t have this mindset.  As a single person with adult children and grandchildren I am having to learn to embrace this way….

About 6 months after Loren passed,  it was on a  fall evening that I had a most important conversation with myself. 

Up to this point I had been with one of our four children weekly,  daily at times.  They were my life-line.  My body and senses were in full-crisis mode because of the separation from Loren.

I had been out mowing the last mow before the heavy rains were to come.  It was then I had an acute thought, “My kids love me so much that I COULD be needy and helpless, which would require them to be near me”.

 Immediately after that thought passed, I EQUALLY pondered, “I COULD release my kids from FEELING like they need to care for me“.  I then thought of these facts:

  • “I am 57”.
  • “I most likely will have many more years of being single”.
  • “I want my kids to WANT to be with me”.
  • “I NEVER want them to resent me”.
  • “I know there will come a day, as I age, where I will need them more than I do now. I need to have a non-demanding relationship with them NOW since things will change, some day”.

It was then that I  intentionally started releasing my kids from FEELING like they MUST be responsible for my well-being.

Soooo, the random-periodic-times I start feeling “needy”….wanting to find one of my children to attach myself to… I immediately remember that initial ” Pivotal Power Conversation” I had had with my self.

“I still choose to never demand, command, insist that my children try to fill the void that Loren left” .

“I choose to live to the fullest even when that means living a solitary life”.

WE don’t GRIEVE as Others DO and WE don’t DATE as Others DO

Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, Doing it God's way, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, healthy boundaries, Peace should be enough

On January 16th this unexpected, unanticipated emphatic phrase RESOUNDED in me…

“WE DON’T GRIEVE AS OTHERS DO AND WE DON’T DATE AS OTHERS DO”.

The context of the resounding statement came mere hours after telling Mary about an acquaintance of Loren & I… about my heart surprisingly battling with the rationale of this man after he contacted me (again), telling me that I “NEED TO HAVE FUN”….this time, he inviting me to meet him for dinner.  Me, of course, feeling flattered that he is contacting me.  Me IMMEDIATELY recalling how (a few years before Loren passed) Loren had hesitated and said, “I…don’t…know…I’m… not sure… about that” (after I had commented to Loren how this same work associate of his was SUCH a nice man).

Those words that came from Loren’s mouth that day have been re-playing through my mind!   Even though his response to my comment happened six years ago, I am 100% sure I am  to listen and take heed.

See, I’ve been recalling how Loren had insight in areas where I did not…whereas I  had insight in areas HE did not!  O, I miss this gift.  The gift of balance. The gift of a lengthy seasoned marriage where time does its magic…blending and mixing…where the two know each other better than any other live person on earth.

TWO INCIDENCES OF LOREN’S PERCEPTIONS COME TO MIND: 

  • When a lady I was mentoring was slowly wearing me down because I hadn’t kept solid boundaries in time management and/or bringing her struggles into my daily life. He was right.  I had not been diligent.  And it was affecting me… greatly.
  • When a person, who was not supporting my leadership, had a hidden agenda. He was right.  Not suspicious.  He saw clearly through the smoke.

It’s in THESE types of possible future scenarios where I fear I’ll be a “fish out of water”.

Back to dating and the poor decisions people can make….. let’s just put it this way……      “it never ceases to amaze me some of the ridiculous, desperate actions that I’ve personally witnessed other grieving people do”.

By close observation, their stories prove to have consequences most people wouldn’t wish for.  It appears their distress is now greater than mine because of the varied complications heaped upon the great loss that was first there!

And the “WE DON’T GRIEVE AS OTHER’S DO?” Undeniably, I have grieved hard.  I lost my  man whom I counted on growing old with.  And just because I believe in Heaven and have a sincere relationship with God doesn’t mean I would bypass the distress.   I have an acute awareness of  sorrow that rests beneath the surface…….and will most likely until the day I die.

I guess the one way I haven’t “grieved as others do” is by

  •  being very selective with who my close friends are
  • I “guard my heart” (spiritually, mentally, and emotionally)
  • I  protect myself (spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically)
  • all- the- while understanding that  uncontrolled grief can cause people to do careless things they would’ve never dreamed they’d do!

And, the best thing of all?    In the far, far distance I know how my love story will end!!

P.S.  O, the guy?  I declined the invitation.  Again.  (because, it’s simple… I can read the monumental sign on his forehead that says, “I. CREATE. DRAMA”).

CHOOSING my life SCENARIOS and upcoming WEDDINGS

Children, Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, decision making, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, healthy boundaries, resolutions for the widow, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Marriage

 

 My naïve inexperienced heart-full-of-grief had no understanding of the depth and breadth of changes that might come my way.  That is, the two voicemails, the one letter, and the one email.  From four men.  Two I knew.  Two not.  ALL WITHIN THE FIRST FIVE DAYS of his passing ~ before his Memorial service!  Quite frankly, I was blind-sided, even offended, how these people could be so brazen!  In my heart, I was not a candidate for contact with them or their private messages. They surely didn’t understand Loren and my marital love and commitment.  Nor did they understand the nature of grief!

Simply put, I was not available!  But since Loren has passed, two of our daughters became available.  Brianne married in 2016.  Brenna will be marrying soon.

Watching their newly found love(s) has prompted increased happy reflections of Loren and I while also creating  conflict  ~ amplifying the loneliness. All while I continue the process of learning to be happy. By myself.

 

After much contemplation,  I’ve concluded there are varying scenarios I could live by:

 

The “EASY WAY OUT” scenarios:

  • Date and quickly marry another person (yes, it would certainly relieve the financial adjustments that most widows face but I’m not a big risk-taker. Nor a gambler…nor am I interested in taking on another family…I already have 4 kids and 6 grand kids.  I have a hard enough time spreading my time amongst them)!

 

  • Find male friends for random dinner dates (but I’ve been advised this simply won’t work, long term, especially with my choice to not be sexually active outside of marriage.  And, YES, my girlfriends are awesome but it’s just not the same).

 

  • Shut myself off from the world and become reclusive. Read multiple chick – books to live vicariously through the characters.  Watch multiple movies throughout the week to avoid my life as it is.

 

The “WAY  I’ve  CHOSEN  to  LIVE  it  OUT ” scenario:

  • Keep working to improve myself.  Keep forging ahead even when it hurts.

 

  • Keep serving God with intention by living a principled life,  purposing to be an example of  “WHAT TO DO”  vs being a casualty of  “WHAT NOT TO DO”.

 

  • Keep living my widowhood motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”. ( I learned long ago that I am happiest living with a clean conscience).

 

  • Have LOTS of fun with the right people in the right settings!!!

 

So, if my motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”,  remains my yardstick and compass I determine I will be a wise woman!

  • A woman with no regrets.  With nothing to hide.

 

  • A woman who won’t settle.  Period.

 

  • A woman who can hold her head high with her spirit remaining deeply humbled before her Almighty God, because she alone knows how deep the loneliness struggle can be.

 

“God give me the grace and power to live widowhood honorably and pleasing to You. Amen.”

 

 

 

4 Most DIFFICULT, the 4 GREATEST, and the 4 Most DANGEROUS Things and RESOLUTIONS

Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Grief, grief in the workplace, healthy boundaries, Loss, Marriage, resolutions for the widow, widowhood

de894856c2782feed1039635b1aa23e6RESOLUTIONS:  I can’t even BEGIN to think of making a list of resolutions for 2018 yet I know it’s time I take another step towards continued healing.  The following reflections are current candid evidence of my honest attempt towards creating future New Year Resolutions.

The 4 MOST DIFFICULT THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED  are:

  • No longer having my husband to lie with.
  • No longer having someone who thinks I am the best thing that has ever happened to him.
  • Attempting to learn  how to be exceedingly happy by myself…that is, without having your other half to amplify the joys.
  • Discovering how maintaining friendships with multiple friends takes close-to or equal-the-amount-of-time-and-effort it did to maintain a tight close-knit relationship with my spouse/lover……with those friendships not providing the deepest satisfaction that a person finds with their life mate.

The 4 GREATEST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED are:

  • Other than the maintenance and care on the home front and reporting to work,  I can set the course of my other activities.
  • Other than the financial adjustment living  without Loren’s income ALONG with the moral and Biblical guidelines I choose to live by, I can darn well do what I want to do…..(this is VERY unsettling for a gal who had never lived on her own before!)
  • There’s no one to “argue” ~ “discuss life” with,  that is, unless I’m stupid enough to carry on mental discussions within myself over situations I can’t control…..
  • I have the liberty to dress however I want to  dress, even though I know I’d look tons better if I’d pull myself out of the widow-funk and be more stylish and wear some make-up….

The 4 MOST DANGEROUS POSSIBILITIES WHILE BEING SINGLE are:

  • I could easily become self-centered…forgetting how I once stayed engaged and focused in an alive flourishing relationship.
  •  I could easily become my co-worker’s nightmare if I don’t maintain other friendships away from the workplace…all because I’d be expecting my co-worker’s to become a “work spouse” when in reality my position at work only requires me to fulfill specific duties.
  • I could easily become self-absorbed, even feeling anxious or angered when recognizing other people still have their chosen private life, shared with the person they love.
  • At a weak moment I could easily make foolish decisions in the people I associate with ~  ALL because of loneliness and the desire for routine, consistent companionship.

I don’t believe I’ve “crossed in to the danger zone”…but I have faced a few shocking moments where I recognized I had the propensity, even the momentary POWER, to change in to another person…all because of the unwanted devastating loss of Loren.

But, to wander from the  guidance and wisdom in the Bible does not seem desirable for a multitude of reasons…..

And I now wonder if people living in good marriages even  BEGIN to understand the dilemma single people live with.  I certainly hadn’t seen the entire picture.  I surely wish I didn’t have to see this picture nor LIVE in this picture  as I do now.

So, my ONE NEW 2018  New Years Resolution is to continue being candid and honest with myself.  But while in my pursuit for greater peace and the desire to find where I fit,  I so wish I didn’t have to live with the cyclic pain and sadness that this deep loss still brings. 

 

The TOP 4 QUESTIONS you MAY be CURIOUS to ASK THIS WIDOW

Children, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Grandchildren, healthy boundaries, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood

I’m like you.  Respectful enough to NOT ask every curious question that pops in to my head.  Understanding those basic rules of privacy.  However, the older I have become I have learned to embrace the concept of being candid!

That is, carefully and cautiously candid.

From what I’ve been told, the following 4 questions are questions many people are curious about ~ when it comes to widows.

  • Did your desire for intimacy and sex end when he died?
  • What determines if you be sexually active?
  • Do you see yourself re-marrying?
  • What is the key advice you’d give to a new widow?

 

  • RE: Does the desire for sex and intimacy end after your loved one dies?

    No!  In fact, a person’s physical desires often return within mere months.  I’ve also found my desire for emotional intimacy with Loren continues 24/7.Julia summer 2014 road trip

     I must say, losing my spouse has “thrown me inside my engine”. Tossed me around inside my core…. forcing me to see what I am truly made of.  Losing my companion and lover of 37 years has given me a harsh reality to face….. of what I am capable of.   Many would say I have “an excuse… a real reason” to re-adjust my lifestyle.  To “adjust my morals” because I am no longer married.

    RE: What then stops you from being sexually active since becoming a widow?

    My answer is threefold.

    First, at month four I prayed to the Lord  that He help  curb the desires.  God has helped me and I do my part in avoiding situations.

    Secondly, statistics and professionals state women become easily bonded to sexual partners.  I know how bonded I was (and still am!) to my deceased husband.  I don’t know how to NOT love deeply.  How NOT to bond deeply.  How NOT to pour my body and soul in to a partner.  Thus, I refuse to flippantly share my sexuality freely.  I’m stubborn.  And I believe God knows what is best for us!

    Third and not the least of importance, I’m very concerned I would change….I very much care that my kids and grand kids not “lose” the mom/grandma they knew before his passing.  They’ve already lost their dad/grandpa.

RE:  Do you ever see yourself re-marrying?

The first year after he passed I said, “Absolutely not!  My heart will forever be with Loren.”

At month 28 I say, “I’m learning to be content being single.  I miss most aspects of marriage and I very much miss him! I wish he was here in body and my love for him has not stopped.  I’m not looking to find someone else.

And quite frankly, I can’t imagine there is someone out there who would ever be as awesome, as annoying, as gifted, and as perfect for me as he was.  Besides, who wants to have to train someone else to fit in to MY ways?  (now that I’m learning how to put myself first).

RE:  What is the key advice you’d give to a new widow?

Within a few days of Loren’s passing, his sister Joyce told me, “Julie, this is going to be the hardest thing you’ll ever do!”  She’s right.  She knew.  She became a widow before I did.

So, WHAT WOULD I TELL THE NEW WIDOW?  What would I say to her…in small increments…as not to overwhelm her?

  • “This will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done”.
  • “Feel the pain. Don’t run from the pain.  You’ll face it sooner.  And later”.
  • “Grieve hard. But don’t stop loving other’s deeply”.
  • “I love you. I’m so sorry you hurt.  I’m here”.

God be with us all.  In our pursuit to live wholeheartedly for God. To live honorably in our mind, body and soul.

 

 

 

 

What THIS WIDOW wants OTHER WIVES to UNDERSTAND

Death, Faith in God, healthy boundaries, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood, wives love your husbands

IMG_0664 (1)I’m now on the other side of the fence. No longer the wife of a man, part of two living as one.  Years before Loren’s passing I had observed many people.  Single and married adults.  I now realize, even back then I was learning what to do and not to do in life.

Now, while married I wasn’t wary of every single woman who came our way. But you can bet I wasn’t foolish either! 

My mom had been close friends with Naomi Pfinister and Carol Robeson, both single Christian ladies who at some point in their lives were forced to survive their losses.  Because of them, I had healthy role models of solid, single women and witnessed their interactions with my father, my husband, my children, and many other’s.

Through these ladies I learned:

  • It is possible to adjust to a life of singleness even if it not be your first choice.
  • It is possible to adjust joyfully and gracefully even if the heart bear sorrow.
  • It is possible to be an adult single woman and have fun without being a royal flirt.

Unfortunately, in years past I had witnessed Christian ladies  acting in such a way I was lead to believe they were  “blurring boundaries”. 

Because I hadn’t lived my adulthood as a single person I felt I had “no leg to stand on”….no sound reason to speak up.   Now I do have a leg to stand on.  Today I have  28 months of life experience.

Dear wives, most of you are my  friends…some, casual acquaintances:

  • We widows feel and see that slight, ackward “thing” that happens if we are in too close of proximity, for too long, around your husband in the most innocent of situations.
  • We don’t resent you wives for your natural reactions.  We understand and do not feel offended!
  • Just because I am a Christian lady does not  mean you shouldn’t pay attention.
  • When I was married I had upright antennae’s. I applaud you, wives, for paying attention.
  • You are NOT a “jealous woman who doesn’t trust her husband” just because you are healthily guarding your marriage! This is normal.  And correct.  So full of wisdom.  You are his help-meet.  Regularly and fervently tending  to your garden.
  • We widows would’ve been ferociously infuriated and heart broken if another lady had smeared marital boundary lines.
  • Wives, you are very wise to remain your man’s #1 cheerleader. Your man’s #1 friend.  Your man’s #1 confidant.  If any other woman starts becoming one of those, STEP UP!   SPEAK UP!  Don’t become helpless!
  • Wives, fight for your marriages!  We widow’s know what it is like to lose a husband in death. Please don’t lose yours out of lackadaisical complacency.

 

I am just a widow who would give anything to have her husband back.

I am a single Christian lady finding that niche where I fit in.  Trying not be socially reclusive yet very much caring that I never cross lines.  All the while doing it God’s way.