Category Archives: Grief

THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE IF I HAD THE CHANCE

April 24, 2017Faith in God, Family, Grief, identifying positive things, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

First up, I DID re-do lots of things in my 37 year marriage with Loren. He also re-did lots of things in our 37 year marriage. Being willing to say, “I’m sorry” and “redo-ing things” kept us together. Being willing to say “I’m sorry” and “re-doing” demonstrated the gospel of Jesus Christ….that is, practicing forgiveness and mercy, hoping and trusting that things can get better, along with believing that God can change hearts. Even my heart.

Even though our time together here blazed out in glory, at 24 months I find myself reflecting. Healthily reflecting. With the grass growing fast and my riding lawnmower once again needing to become my best friend, I imagine I’ll have more time to process my life in the months to come. For me to grow. For me to set more things in order…. in my mind.

For this seems to be my grief process.

THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE with Loren if I was once again 20 – 30 years old:

I’d purpose the “we are a team” spirit immediately ~ (it’s easy to be in love and not work as a team).
I’d choose to lay “my rights” down faster and easier ~ (two strong willed people who love each other can still be competitive).
At the same time, I’d learn to speak up more quickly and clearly ~ (even though I was strong willed I had difficulty standing up for myself and expressing how I felt).

THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE with Loren if I was once again 30 – 40 years old:

Even though caring for the 4 children was important, I’d put him first and make him feel like a king every day.
I’d gaze into his eyes more often and hold the gaze far longer.
I’d never pass an opportunity for physical touch even if I’m exhausted.
I’d laugh hysterically with him and the kids.

Thankfully, by the age of 50 Loren and I became wise! We realized the empty-nest years were approaching. We knew couples who had divorced after their children left the home. We realized you can be lovers and partners but not true friends…someone you might want to hang out with.

We didn’t want to become one more statistic of divorce.

A result of our “UNINTENTIONAL DISTANCE”.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The good news is our INTENTIONAL hard work paid off!

We became intentional close friends. Buddies. Best friends.
We became ardent, frequent, caught- up- in- the- moment, intentional lovers.
We reversed the unintentional emotional distance.
And I did make him feel like a king in our home. I know so. He told me so. Often.
And I found an incredible satisfaction pleasing the man I loved.

THAT MAGIC 2 YEAR MARK and LOVING LIKE YOU’RE GONNA LOSE THEM

March 25, 2017Children, Death, Faith in God, Family, Grief, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

It’s March. I think my body and emotions will forever remember this time of the year. As time presses closer the world seems to close in. I have to fight tunnel vision. Every task seems strenuous. I’m physically exhausted again. Feeling like I’m back to point A in the grief, but I know I’m not. Things are better.

If I sound abstract it’s only because I feel abstract. As an abstract painting. Happy and sad colors splashed in random places.

I had purposed to retain every memory of he & I, every scent, every emotion…I honestly thought I might remember every minuet detail because in our empty nest years we had found heightened pleasure by living in the moment, living in “our moments”. But I find myself forgetting the depth of the emotions. This brings deep angst.

I now think I knew I was going to lose him….because snippets of memories periodically pass through my mind. How I sensed we weren’t going to live to a ripe old age together. How I tried to ignore my thoughts, thinking they were mere fears. How I felt driven, compelled, even spurred on to love him with unbridled passion and fervence. All as if there were no tomorrow. All as if wanting to partake of every good thing with and in each other.

In hindsight I know, for certain, that he had a sense that our time would come to an end earlier than we wanted….by the things he said, even the day before he unexpectedly passed. Things he had said to our children at a Thanksgiving dinner. Things he had said to the Gingerich family on his 60th birthday.

Thankfully I had taken the time to gaze at him, to savor those precious moments and let time stand still with him. We had learned to vacation within our home. We had learned to let the world slip by. No words of love were held back.

But I go forward. Yes, with God. Not lost ~ but certainly by myself. (But I still wonder if our loved ones in heaven aren’t praying and caring for us….I swear I feel this).

STEEL BARS and RE-MARRIAGE and VALENTINES

March 7, 2017Death, Grief, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

STEEL BARS… WRAPPED ALL AROUND ME….I’ve been your prisoner since the day you found me…I’m bound forever ‘til the end of time, steel bars, locked around this heart of mine.” Michael Bolton’s song, STEEL BARS, was one of the numerous songs I had put on a CD I had made for Loren in December of 2014. This song had re-sounded in me for years. Now, at an earlier point in our marriage this same song rang true but with frustration because we were struggling.

At year 37 we were flying high. Deeply, even madly, in love. More enthralled with each other than ever. More attached than ever because we had put blood, sweat, and tears into our marriage union. Add that with our history…”Loren & Julia’s story”…we were unstoppable. Heart Valentines.

Because of the heart connection we shared, I HAVE WONDERED..simply put, I have questions:

Will I always feel so in love with him? There are times it feels torturous to be so in love with someone when you can’t be with them. At other time’s I carry a smile, secretly comprehending the love we enjoyed.

Would becoming a widow have been easier if he & I would have had a mundane “put-up-with-each-other” relationship?

How can some widows and widowers possibly move on by this time (23 months) and find another person to be with?

Doesn’t any of them feel the sense of loyalty to the spouse that is deceased?

Are the widow or widower just wanting someone else to replace what they HAD with their deceased spouse…or maybe what they DIDN’T HAVE with their spouse?

Is that even fair to the other person when you still deeply love your deceased spouse?

Is it true that some remarry for the sheer sake of companionship?

I wonder. With no clear answers. And very possibly I wouldn’t have as many questions if my marriage had ended with a painful divorce vs death….

But I don’t need to wonder about THIS: how I feel grateful, even vibrantly alive, that I was blessed to have found that undying love with one person. Those steel bars of connection. Blessed to have found the deep pools of warm, enduring love that kept us warm, alive, and bonded. For there are some married couples who never quite find that place……….that place that can be said, “We, AS A COUPLE, are home.”

FEELING GOD for the 1st TIME

February 24, 2017Faith in God, Grief, identifying positive things, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

For the past 22 months I have not felt God. For the past 22 months I have not felt His presence. I’m sure He’s been there all the while but grief had numbed me. I have worshipped out of sheer choice. Sheer determination.

That is until 3 Sundays ago. When I felt God for the 1st time^! When the windows of Heaven slid open. Again!

Since his passing I’d been faithful in going to church even though it would’ve been easier to have stayed at home, to hibernate….to not place myself in one more uncomfortable social setting where I’d be forced to face my loss. I’d been faithful in believing God to be faithful towards me. I have stayed on the straight and narrow out of sheer will power along with my memory of God’s goodness towards me in past times.

When Loren died a part of me died….a vast desert awaited for me.

Until…THaT Sunday! The Sunday that I had a vivid awareness that my soul was awakening. The Sunday when I had a vivid awareness that life was returning to me, in me.

I still grieve for my loss but I now feel God near me, as I had prior to his passing. I covet God’s presence. Sensing God’s presence is precious. Simply priceless because…..

It gives me renewed hope that God watches out for the widow
It gives me increased courage knowing that He is with me
It gives me a type of tangible proof that He will go with me and before me in life
It gives me a sign, even a landmark, when I felt that God remembered me on that specific day
It gives me encouragement that God will still use me for His glory in this phase of my life

Because I now know what it feels like to not recognize God’s presence, should I have a friend who loses a loved one~ I know how I will pray…. I will pray they will once again feel God. That is, to once again feel God’s presence.

For God’s presence is gold. Priceless gold.

“So, God, my earnest prayer today is to never let me be foolish to live in such a way where You could not dwell in me, inhabit me. For that would surely be death and more sorrow, again. I’ve tasted the death and sorrow. I’m tasting tidbits of renewed life. I need life. I choose life. With and in You.”

TAXES & DEATH CERTIFICATES & SUCH

February 6, 2017Death, Grief, identifying positive things, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, unexpected things in lifeJulia Wasson

This tax season I am no longer a widow. Thankfully I had that 1^st year where the government recognized me as a widow to help me slowly adjust to those taxable changes, the tax adjustments, the decrease in deductions I could use. This tax season I am being taxed as a single. The first time in my life paying taxes as a single person.

And, last week I had to once again produce another death certificate for a business transaction. I foresee having to prove his death in more situations as they show themselves. You’d think this would come to an end after 22 months.

As I’ve had to continue producing death certificates I’ve discovered:

It no longer bothers me to read his death certificate. For the most part, I read the death certificate as I would read any other document. In my mind his death certificate is associated with all things related to finances and legalities.

Reading the death certificate somehow solidifies, even cements, THAT day ~ that landmark in time, those 5 hours in our home when he passed away quickly, when the EMT’s worked on him, when the coroner arrived, when my daughters and I said our goodbyes on that bedroom floor for 3 ½ hours, when Brenna sang from the grand piano when the funeral directors took his body from our home out to the van, watching them take his body down the driveway, and then away.

As he seems to fade in my life, those death certificates are a wonderful reminder that I was his wife. I love to see my name on that death certificate. Death certificates. Confirming a solemn, life changing event.

I’m also not bothered receiving mail that may have his name on it. In fact, I somehow enjoy seeing mail addressed to him.

It brings a comfort, another reminder that he and I had shared our life.

It puts perspective in to my life. He and I had shared our finances. We were attached.

We were recognized as an entity ~ together. I wish it could stay that way forever…….

…and those letters of advertisement and pieces of random mail can keep coming…with his name alone or ours together posted on the envelope. I’m not ready for them to stop. When they completely stop I for sure will most certainly feel alone.

MY 10 POSITIVES OF BEING SINGLE

January 27, 2017Faith in God, Family, Grief, identifying positive things, Marriage, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

This image was captured the day after Loren's Celebration of Life. — This image was captured the day after Loren’s Celebration of Life.

Since his death, I’ve found myself becoming more like Loren. Is it my way of compensating for the loss? Is it because it’s my way of keeping his memory alive? Is it new additional strength arising in me?

Loren was the ultimate dreamer. An optimist. At times he had called me the pessimist. I would immediately shoot back verbally, telling him I was the realist between the two, to help him keep his feet on the ground, to be his balancing counterpoint.

At 21 ¾ months out I’ve found myself listening to the talk radio shows he’d listen to when driving truck. I’ve found myself reading more news articles to keep myself updated with current events ~ he was the one who kept me abreast with world- wide news. I’ve found myself reading more articles on the Dow Jones and financial forecasts.

I’ve found myself rising up to the challenge, new challenges……stepping up to the plate, new plates…..and taking the bull by the horns when I absolutely must. But, I still don’t like bulls and I don’t like horns.

Even though I feel the negatives of being single very much outweigh the positives, I am learning there are positives to being a single lady.

Thus, MY LIST of 10 POSITIVES OF BEING SINGLE:

I don’t have to cook and bake, unless I want to.

I don’t need to shave my legs as often. Who cares if I have prickly legs?

I have complete control of the TV remote in our bedroom suite.

I can be a bed hog.

If I wanted to, I could wear footie PJ’s to bed.

I don’t have to share counter space in the Master bath.

I have the entire closet space available to myself.

I have complete control in the office…arranging the files how I prefer, arranging the desk top to what works best for me.

When it comes to using debit cards, ATM’s, and credit cards, it’s far easier to stay abreast of exact dollar amounts in such accounts.

…………………………… well, I was wrong, I can’t think of 10 positives of being single.

BUT I AM HAPPY I CAN IDENTIFY 9 POSITIVES OF BEING SINGLE! Being able to identify 9 positives is monumental!

“So, dear Lord. Thank you for helping me forge ahead. Happy times. Sad times. Bright times. Dark times. In all and through all of them, I know You are with me.”

TOP 10 THINGS I’M DISCOVERING AT 21 MONTHS

January 18, 2017Children, Death, Faith in God, Family, Grief, Loss, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

cropped-Julia-56-years-old.-February-2014.jpg

Since his passing I’ve learned positive things. Things that can contribute to my overall growth as an adult woman. I am learning to be content without him. I’ve also discovered sorrowful things, but I am focused on pushing through this grief…to not just circle around the grief and avoid the deep pooled places. Because I believe. Eventually. In time. I will come out on the other side.

TOP 5 POSITIVE THINGS I AM LEARNING:

Love is eternal. As the famous song from the movie Titanic says, “In my heart you’ll always go on.” It does. He does. In my heart.

I’m stronger than I knew. Loren periodically told me, “Julia, you know more than you think you do.” In the areas where he was strong I had let him lead. He was right. I know more than I thought. I am strong.

Our 4 children are a direct reflection of he & I. Even though they are strong individuals of their own worth, I look in to each of their eyes and see him. Pictures of him. Moments of him in increments of time.

My circumstances do not hold the power to alter the character of who God is.

People haven’t changed. It’s me who has changed. The Julia “B.D.” (before his death”) vs the Julia “A.D.” (after his death). I’m still learning what all of this means….

TOP 5 MOST DIFFICULT THINGS I AM LEARNING:

After 21 months out I am suddenly “on my own” in the grief journey. The truth be told, by this time many only miss him because they recognize the void in my life.

Not even my girlfriends, who are widows or grieving over their loved ones, can completely understand my loss. We desperately want to understand each other ~ we try. We reach out in support. At times afraid to be candid about our low, dark times.

Sometimes humans cannot bear each others pain. My kids, my family & friends cannot cure that deep impenetrable hole, that tunnel, where I at times feel lost…even suffocated.

Sometimes I feel EVEN GOD cannot cure that deep impenetrable hole.

New, additional losses keep appearing. For example, his scent on his robe is still strong. But the fresh memories associated with that robe are fading. I’m afraid I’ll lose those special memories. That scares me.

Even in all of this, I know I am moving forward healthily. I’ve not avoided my grief. I’ve not denied my Faith and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ. I’ve not deterred the grief in drunkenness, men, overeating, or overspending. I know myself ~ that I am a truth seeker ~ that I must face my reality head on.

And I know the day will come when this grief – reality – mission can be laid to rest.

“So, God I thank You. In the eye of the storm You still see me. “

ELTON JOHN and TRYING TO RETURN TO MUSIC with THE SUN GOING DOWN ON ME

January 9, 2017Grief, Marriage, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

Blindsided. While returning to old territory, that is, returning to music. Maybe again finding the creative Julia, that part of me that wrote music, that part of me that was deeply stirred by music.

Today I watched an Elton John concert that I had pre-recorded. My body loved the rhythm. I was again enamored with Elton’s astonishing piano skills, his song writing skills. I was caught up in the sheer talent of the musicians. But, emotionally I wanted to run. I wanted to turn my TV off.

But at 21 months out I forced myself to sit through the 60 minute concert. I forced myself, for my own good. A knife may as well have been inserted, pulled back, then pushed through my flesh further, back and forth. The killer song was DON’T LET THE SUN GO DOWN ON ME. “…like losing everything, is like the sun going down on me.” Just one song. Creating heightened searing pain and yet enjoyment. A tangled mixture.

I know many do not understand me. But Loren understood me. He understood me, as the musician. He tolerated me, as the musician. He adored me, as the musician. That was his first draw towards me. Hearing me sing a song I had written while he attended a concert where I was performing. It was after that concert that he approached me and introduced himself to me.

My first gift from him was a new piano, the same acoustic piano that my piano students use in my music studio. Early in our marriage he would ask me to play and sing for him. In his perfect world I would’ve done that every day, just for him. I now so regret I hadn’t made more effort in our busy lives. Thankfully, in our final years I would take the time to sit down and sing some of his favorite songs, those songs I had written about he and I. Two songs I had written for our wedding, the one song I had surprised him with singing from the grand piano, the other song he and I sang as a duet at our wedding.

12 years ago he surprised me; Loren had purchased an old grand piano from the Beaverton School District, had it restored and it now proudly sits in the great room. It was his 25^th wedding anniversary gift to me.

Loren’s greatest surprise gift ever was Valentine’s Day 2013. He had taken the time and made the effort to memorize John Legend’s song, ALL OF ME LOVES ALL OF YOU. We were in our motel room in Seattle. He had started singing the song to me Acapella. The entire song, while looking in to my eyes ~ without breaking his gaze. I broke down and cried. In the past it had always been m IMG_0664 (1) e singing for him. This time I was his private audience. I loved it! Until the day he died he knew how I cherished it.

Maybe I will never write music again. Maybe I will never perform privately for another man. Maybe that part of me has died with him. And maybe that is OK with me…….

NEW ACKNOWLEDGMENTS and EXPOSED STRUGGLES with HONEST WORSHIP

December 31, 2016Faith in God, Grief, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

Just mere months after Loren had passed, my oldest brother Galen Gingerich, pastor of New Horizons Church in McMinnville, (http://New Horizons Church) had taken me out for lunch and while walking to the car he was quietly singing “YOU’RE A GOOD, GOOD FATHER…THAT’S WHO YOU ARE.…” Not only did I feel dead inside, I truthfully cringed at those words. Something inside of me recoiled. The God that I had known and served had not demonstrated His goodness towards me, especially with my husband’s sudden death introducing a level of trauma because I couldn’t revive him with CPR. My pain was so deep ~ grief had it’s way. Griefs way of blinding me from the goodness God had demonstrated in my life prior to ” THAT day”.

Recently, while rocking grandson Lincoln before his bedtime, I found myself singing that exact song, “You’re a good, good Father…that’s who You are…and I’m loved by You, that’s who I am…” I was suddenly surprised to discover a portion of the song freely flowed from my lips.

This morning marks 21 months. 21 months since THAT day. I am just now beginning to feel warmth when I sing of God’s love for me. It’s become easy to sing of God’s love. I so welcome the ability to once again feel God’s presence.

But I cannot sing, “YOU ARE PERFECT in all of Your ways…..YOU ARE PERFECT in all of Your Ways…” It’s like my throat freezes. No sound comes out. I become stationery. My body feels like lead. My mind shifts into neutral… I feel like a mechanical robot. Just during that portion of the song. I can’t seem to sing those words. It would be difficult to force the words out plus I feel it would almost be a form of hypocrisy for me. It’s like a portion of my widowed heart does not believe those words…..the words, “You are perfect in all of Your ways”. For certain, I know my heart cannot acknowledge those words. YET.

Losing my spouse and purposing to grow through the loss has become my greatest spiritual challenge. A difficult race. Even a test, I wonder. For years I have believed and confessed that God is in control of my life. Deep inside I still believe that. I still put my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ but I just can’t see the big picture and since I have not readily embraced “the new picture I’m living inside of”, at times, I have turmoil inside of me. I especially feel the turmoil on this one song. During this one section of this song.

But, in time I’ll need to start singing those words….. “You are perfect in all of Your ways, You are perfect in all of Your ways…”. I’ll need to sing those words in faith even if I don’t feel it or understand it. And I know that time is drawing closer. Closer to more surrender. I just know it.

WISHING I HAD THE BUFFER OF SHOCK and HOLIDAYS and GOING THROUGH MOTIONS

December 23, 2016Family, Grief, Holidays and GriefJulia Wasson

When my brother Dennis Gingerich (pastor, blogger and photographer http://Gingerich PhotoArt ) set up my website he suggested I post a blog on a scheduled basis. Even though my heart is not in to writing a blog this week I will go through the motions and write this. It’s also been requested that I video another “putting up the Christmas tree with the grand daughters while we sing Christmas carol’s” and again post it on Facebook. Time will tell if I follow through with that request.

This is the first Christmas in 58 years where I’ve felt such sadness. Last year had its times of trepidation, but I had that wonderful, glorious buffer of shock along with some Dr prescribed medication to help me through the first year of loss. Last year I also had that wonderful sense of feeling Loren’s presence in the house. The 1^st Christmas certainly bore heavy sorrow but I’m finding this Holiday season is far more difficult. How dare I wish I had the buffer of shock this year? I also don’t wish the help of more medication because I’m healthily plodding through the process….

At 20 ½ months out there is no form of denial in me. There is no form of disbelief. I know he is gone and never coming back. There simply remains this deadening, looming, hollowness…as far as that part of the Christmas experience that Loren & I celebrated with each other. Whether a married couple is aware of this or not, they have their rituals. They have their patterns. They have their special attentions that they give each other on Holidays. My children nor any other person can ever replace what my husband and I had, what we shared on Holidays. We had shared 37 Christmas seasons together. Very, very happy seasons for us.

But, for the sake of making sure my children and I share our improvised level of happiness and continued life together as a family, we WILL gather for Christmas in the log home. For the sake of making sure the grand children have a happy Christmas, they WILL open gifts at my house. For the sake of making sure some traditions are carried forward, the grand daughters and I WILL bake Christmas cookies tomorrow. For the sake of making sure some traditions are carried forward, the grand daughters WILL decorate the Christmas tree tomorrow (…now, this years tree is a fake tree ~ not a tree that Loren & I cut down from the property. He refused to have a fake tree since we lived in a log house, however this year I had to resign that tradition….there are some things I can’t do by myself).

“So, God. This is all so new to me. I feel like I’m a sniveling brat when I voice the sorrow. When I am honest in my writing. Help me walk the path of being honest and transparent all the while embracing God’s goodness in my life as it is now. God’s goodness towards me and in me. Amen.”