Category Archives: Grief

TURNING CORNERS in the MAZE with “Ah Ha’s” and the APPROACHING Holidays

attending funerals, Children, Death, friendships, Grandchildren, Grief, Holidays and Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous

Tomorrow I have another funeral to attend.  This time for a friend, my pastor who could preach an awesome sermon in 20 minutes!  She was a lady who graced my life. Once a  week we messaged each other on Facebook before she went to her evening yoga class. I admired her strength, courage, and example as a single, godly woman. As the Fire District’s Chaplain, she was the first person to arrive at my house while the EMT’s were working on Loren.  She also spoke at Loren’s memoriab6d033eabbc51311c50231d495cfeadal service.

There’s never a perfect time for death but the Holiday season makes it worse. I’m grateful my daughters and granddaughters will be seated beside me at her service.  Because of Pastor Connie’s early-in-life passing, that ol’ enemy has rose its ugly head again.  The ol’ enemy of death and sorrow.

Seems like I keep making my way back to the maze.  Around, inside the maze of grief.

At 31 months I recognize I’ve turned one more corner in the maze.  At this moment I’m thinking it’s not a friendly corner: 

  • There never comes a solace or a fulfilling end when I am feeling deep loss and alone-ness. While married to Loren I could always count on a hug or a time of connection and intimacy ~ even if after a time of tension and disagreement. There always came a time for glorious touch and affirmation from the human being you shared your life with.
  • Not so in grief. There are times of relief, yet rarely that deep sense of peace and satisfaction feeling that the world is awesome.  Feeling like I’m on top of the world.
  • I don’t find myself avoiding other’s fresh pain in their time of loss…however MY current challenge is to NOT LET MYSELF go into the deep valley alongside them. For I’m intently and purposefully climbing out of that familiar valley of the shadow of death and I cannot let myself return to the deepest crevice where I once stayed for a long time.
  • I’m learning it’s a difficult dance to care and grieve.

 I also know I need to care for myself.  I DID on Tuesday.  After a late afternoon Dr appointment I didn’t rush back to attend Grief Share because I found myself at a new low spot with the Holidays here and Pastor Connie’s passing.  You’d think being at Grief Share might’ve brought comfort.  But I knew it wouldn’t. Being around other deep sadness might’ve been too much…tipping the balance scale.

So I went to Subway.  On that cool, dark evening, I sat in a booth by myself and ate a roasted chicken sandwich.  I watched people.  I savored in the thankfulness that I had a warm house full of memories waiting for my arrival.

And, I then periodically sobbed torrential tears during my 45 minute drive from Salem to my haven.

When at home I snuggled in a blanket wearing  Loren’s robe, seated in Loren’s lazy boy chair in our bedroom, watching our favorite shows we enjoyed watching together.

I survived that day but certainly didn’t thrive.  And tomorrow appeared and I started over again, believing that day would be better.  All while serving and trusting God.

THE GIFT OF WORK while BEING a SINGLE woman

decision making, friendships, Grief, grief in the workplace, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, widowhood

Multitudes of people seem to think  the proverbial “Monday – Friday Work Week” is a prison… the unhappiest days of their week. You know, that part of their week that hinders them from doing what they’d REALLY like to be doing.  To a degree that certainly was true when Loren was still here, especially our final 6 years together as empty  – nesters. 2012 Christmas at my parents

Those final years I could hardly wait for the comforting nights we’d spend together in our own private retreat along with the exhilaration of planning our upcoming dreams and ventures. I’m now a single person without having that special person to go explore the world with or enjoy holing up with for the weekend.

I hate to admit my consistent thrill is returning  to my job every Monday morning!

But, more than before, I have realized my job is a gift.  WORK IS A GIFT!  My additional business of 29 years, Julia Wasson Music Studios, continues to be a gift.

  • I am around a variety of adults. We converse as we pass in the hallways.  We share life.  In that setting.
  • I don’t have time to reflect that I am alone. Time to feel that extreme void. I have specific goals that I must attain each day, all which bring accomplishment.
  • I am daily around 500 children.  I love children’s open hearts and expressions of joy and glee.  Their periodic delighted outbursts are as an ointment soothing my cracked, partially healed wounds.
  • I have a place to go with a specific time of starting and ending.  At my job I have that increment of time to focus my attention elsewhere……other than my home and property, which bears great comfort yet that blaring silence that daily announces Loren’s physical presence is absent.
  • I need the routine because I lost my 37 year life – routine with Loren.  I shudder to think how difficult it may be when it comes my time to retire, as a single person.  But, for now I dare not contemplate those years yet….growing old alone sounds like a sorrowful existence.  I’ll cross that bridge when I get there….

Speaking of work….simply stated, I’m VERY BLESSED to have worked in a supportive environment for 19 years…a place that has given me allowance and space to grieve and grow thru grief.

She said, “JULIA, YOU CAN DO THIS!” and TRUSTING myself AGAIN

Death, decision making, friendships, Grief, grief at 2 years, Miscellaneous, unexpected things in life

FB_IMG_148349094377430 months ago Vonda Ropp attended my husband’s Memorial Service.  I’d seen her just two times since our High School years together at Western Mennonite.  I was shocked to see her since she had traveled from Washington.

After the service Vonda stood in the long line waiting to speak to me. As I recall, she put each of her hands on my shoulders, looked me directly in the eyes and with conviction said, “Julia, you – can – do – this!  Julia, you – can – do – this!”

 At that moment those words bore little weight.  I was enclosed in grief and family was surrounding me with extensive support.  But those days of continuous support have ended.  Understandably so.

I had never forgotten her words ~ somehow setting them up on a shelf, knowing I might desperately need them some day. Evidently that time has arrived!  Vonda’s words are re-visiting me… ringing in my ears….. “Julia, you CAN DO this!” Very important words since the stress of grief has messed with my ability to function in full capacity:  physically, emotionally, and cognitively.

Now, if Loren was here he’d be saying, “Julia, you think too much sometimes.”  That’s easy for HIM to say since he doesn’t have a care in this world where he’s at!  In fact, while Loren’s in Heaven he’s missing out on some of the BIGGEST ACTION that’s happened at the ranch since 2003! 

  • The house’s 14 year old hydronic heating system manifold is suddenly not working properly.
  • The outside wood-fired furnace (which heats the water for the hydronic heating system) most likely has a water leak in the tank.
  • The all-cement-storage room in the basement has mild water damage because the ground surrounding the back exterior of the house became overladen with water because of the heavy rains….along with the fill dirt suddenly settling….all  last winter.
  • Not to mention, four months after Loren passed, my well went dry!! After an extensive, orderly process towards diagnosis and after a lengthy wait in time I am hooked up to community water.  With a neighbor’s advice and much research, I thankfully found a knowledgeable man to oversee that mammoth project.

Needing to address these varied situations without having my other half here to bounce ideas off of,  has re-surfaced “traits” in me.  Loren would’ve identified them as “Julia’s suspicious traits” because he found it easier to trust and give multiple people opportunity.  Not so much me.  I’d counted on my logic along with instincts. Cautiously and selectively choosing people whether it be friendships or doing business for hire.

WHAT DOES ALL OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH growing thru grief? To me….right now….EVERYTHING! 

As a widow I’m all the more BELIEVING THERE  may  BE 3 TYPES OF PEOPLE OUT THERE: 

(1) Good people who will treat you as if there was a knowledgeable  man included in the equation.

(2) Not -so- great people who will take advantage of the single woman because they find out you’re not well –  versed on specific issues.

(3) Good people who have patience and are willing to invest some effort in teaching me necessary skills…those things I didn’t take enough time to pay attention to when Loren was here with me on the ranch.

Without Loren it falls on me to assess:

  • Who are the competent business people?  And where’s the balance….do I accept free help hoping a person can “get to the bottom of the problem”…or…go ahead and bite the bullet and hire that experienced person?
  • Are these people honest in their financial dealings?…with fair, honest prices without purposefully taking advantage of a single person?
  • Would any of these people or their employees be scoping my place for ill intent? (this is a BIG concern for me as a widow).

“So, God, with every seeming large financial decision I make, in every endeavor I approach, lead me and guide me.  Help me learn to trust my inner voice since I am beginning to feel  I can trust my instincts  again.  Help me to carefully make wise decisions in an organized way that will bring healthy, lasting  results that bring no regret.  Amen.”

P.S. I’m very grateful to Ken Eisele, Rod Propes, Don Kellum, and Gary Widrig for putting up with me while I learn my new skills!

P.S.  And, Oh!  in a surprising way I’m finding I love the thrill of orchestrating the repairs and projects!

MY FIVE HAPPIEST changes and my FIVE SADDEST changes

Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Grief, grief at 2 years, identifying positive things, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood

2013 summer at Jack's memorial serviceThis weekend marks the 2 1/2 year anniversary of Loren’s passing. Happily and sadly I am noticing changes.  Some changes bring relief.   Some changes hold sadness.   I have pondered how life would be far easier if a person could just snap their fingers and move forward instantaneously.  That has not been my life story.  But I have purposed to walk this grief journey honorably and honestly, within my human confines and with God’s strength.

My FIVE HAPPIEST CHANGES are:

  • I no longer cry every day.  Most days I am content, even happy.
  • I want to be included  when in a large group of people, no longer wanting to hide. I’m increasingly feeling more independent. Hesitantly exploring what it is like to be just me.  And liking the status of “just me”.
  • I can be around couples without feeling discomfort and sadness.
  • I have successfully read one  thick, whole book. It feels good to once again focus because I used to be an avid reader.
  • Should I accidently walk out  the door without my wedding ring on my finger it is not a crisis.  I can actually smile at my accomplishment.

 

MY FIVE SADDEST CHANGES are:

  • I am forgetting bits and pieces of him.  Some of his quirky mannerisms. Parts of the wonderful way I felt when I was next to him.
  • I’m learning memories are NOT enough.  It angers me when people assume and say, “All you need are your memories”. In my case, those people are dead wrong! Pictures help…..and let’s just say,  I’m incredibly thankful I didn’t get rid of his things, including his gifts to me.
  • I can’t begin to do everything he did on our property. He was a strong lumberjack and thrived  working hard.  We made a great team out here.  I’m working hard on the ranch but I can’t re-create our strengths together…by myself.  A tough realization.
  • Those conflicts / those issues that most married couples need to work through?  I’m still sorting through Loren and my marriage…the strengths and the weaknesses.  His passing hasn’t automatically ceased the time, effort, and concern I (we) put into the 37 year marriage.  He’s gone.  But it’s hard to put a skid on love and commitment.
  • Each day that passes is but one more day of facing the finality that he is gone. It’s taken a lo-o-o-o-ng time for my HEART to catch up with my MIND…. and the word “painful” doesn’t even begin to describe the anguish one inwardly feels when absorbing this truth.

But I continue to learn to care for myself. So, to care for myself today I will not heap more sorrow on myself.  It’s time to go spend time in McMinnville with my brother from Florida, my sister from California, and my uncle from Virginia.  To worship together, eat together, and share life together on this Sunday.

God be with us all for I know each and every one of us can share our lives.  Through ups and downs. Through joys and sorrows.

 

 

The TOP 4 QUESTIONS you MAY be CURIOUS to ASK THIS WIDOW

Children, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Grandchildren, healthy boundaries, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood

I’m like you.  Respectful enough to NOT ask every curious question that pops in to my head.  Understanding those basic rules of privacy.  However, the older I have become I have learned to embrace the concept of being candid!

That is, carefully and cautiously candid.

From what I’ve been told, the following 4 questions are questions many people are curious about ~ when it comes to widows.

  • Did your desire for intimacy and sex end when he died?
  • What determines if you be sexually active?
  • Do you see yourself re-marrying?
  • What is the key advice you’d give to a new widow?

 

  • RE: Does the desire for sex and intimacy end after your loved one dies?

    No!  In fact, a person’s physical desires often return within mere months.  I’ve also found my desire for emotional intimacy with Loren continues 24/7.Julia summer 2014 road trip

     I must say, losing my spouse has “thrown me inside my engine”. Tossed me around inside my core…. forcing me to see what I am truly made of.  Losing my companion and lover of 37 years has given me a harsh reality to face….. of what I am capable of.   Many would say I have “an excuse… a real reason” to re-adjust my lifestyle.  To “adjust my morals” because I am no longer married.

    RE: What then stops you from being sexually active since becoming a widow?

    My answer is threefold.

    First, at month four I prayed to the Lord  that He help  curb the desires.  God has helped me and I do my part in avoiding situations.

    Secondly, statistics and professionals state women become easily bonded to sexual partners.  I know how bonded I was (and still am!) to my deceased husband.  I don’t know how to NOT love deeply.  How NOT to bond deeply.  How NOT to pour my body and soul in to a partner.  Thus, I refuse to flippantly share my sexuality freely.  I’m stubborn.  And I believe God knows what is best for us!

    Third and not the least of importance, I’m very concerned I would change….I very much care that my kids and grand kids not “lose” the mom/grandma they knew before his passing.  They’ve already lost their dad/grandpa.

RE:  Do you ever see yourself re-marrying?

The first year after he passed I said, “Absolutely not!  My heart will forever be with Loren.”

At month 28 I say, “I’m learning to be content being single.  I miss most aspects of marriage and I very much miss him! I wish he was here in body and my love for him has not stopped.  I’m not looking to find someone else.

And quite frankly, I can’t imagine there is someone out there who would ever be as awesome, as annoying, as gifted, and as perfect for me as he was.  Besides, who wants to have to train someone else to fit in to MY ways?  (now that I’m learning how to put myself first).

RE:  What is the key advice you’d give to a new widow?

Within a few days of Loren’s passing, his sister Joyce told me, “Julie, this is going to be the hardest thing you’ll ever do!”  She’s right.  She knew.  She became a widow before I did.

So, WHAT WOULD I TELL THE NEW WIDOW?  What would I say to her…in small increments…as not to overwhelm her?

  • “This will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done”.
  • “Feel the pain. Don’t run from the pain.  You’ll face it sooner.  And later”.
  • “Grieve hard. But don’t stop loving other’s deeply”.
  • “I love you. I’m so sorry you hurt.  I’m here”.

God be with us all.  In our pursuit to live wholeheartedly for God. To live honorably in our mind, body and soul.

 

 

 

 

ECLIPSING. When the Sun and Moon Meet

Faith in God, Grief, loving your deceased spouse, unexpected things in life

As I’m outside at 10:02 a.m. this morning, taking a reprieve from stacking firewood, I’m noticing how a shadow is moving in.  Crickets are sounding as if it’s twilight.  Temperatures are dropping.  Where the sunlight should be peeking through the trees, shadows are merging.  And suddenly the sun is a hot, bright flame bearing down on me. I dare not look towards the sun.  All before complete darkness.

And I’m experiencing this momentous event alone.  Without him. But, I’ve chosen to experience the total eclipse by myself.  At our ranch.  Now inside my bedroom.  In silence.  With contemplation.

I smile, knowing good and well that for 28 months Loren has been experiencing awesome adventures in heaven without me!  Knowing he has been witnessing glorious scenes and being introduced to fathomless, unimaginable things while living in Heaven, where Jesus Himself and the angels dwell.

So, it’s OK.  All is well for this moment.  Who knows, maybe the saints in heaven are watching the sun and moon pass each other this morning?

That’s a happy thought!Loren & Julia  Maybe we are sharing this moment together?  He, from heaven.  Me, from earth!  All while darkness settles in around me.  Temporarily.

And most of all I am wondering, am I the only one who could feel that odd gravitational pull?

Maybe Loren felt that same gravitational pull as he left his earthly body that Tuesday morning.  With me.  In our bedroom.  At dawn.   The morning he left his physical body was just the beginning of his never-ending adventures in eternity!  I’m giddy with happiness for him!

What THIS WIDOW wants OTHER WIVES to UNDERSTAND

Death, Faith in God, healthy boundaries, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood, wives love your husbands

IMG_0664 (1)I’m now on the other side of the fence. No longer the wife of a man, part of two living as one.  Years before Loren’s passing I had observed many people.  Single and married adults.  I now realize, even back then I was learning what to do and not to do in life.

Now, while married I wasn’t wary of every single woman who came our way. But you can bet I wasn’t foolish either! 

My mom had been close friends with Naomi Pfinister and Carol Robeson, both single Christian ladies who at some point in their lives were forced to survive their losses.  Because of them, I had healthy role models of solid, single women and witnessed their interactions with my father, my husband, my children, and many other’s.

Through these ladies I learned:

  • It is possible to adjust to a life of singleness even if it not be your first choice.
  • It is possible to adjust joyfully and gracefully even if the heart bear sorrow.
  • It is possible to be an adult single woman and have fun without being a royal flirt.

Unfortunately, in years past I had witnessed Christian ladies  acting in such a way I was lead to believe they were  “blurring boundaries”. 

Because I hadn’t lived my adulthood as a single person I felt I had “no leg to stand on”….no sound reason to speak up.   Now I do have a leg to stand on.  Today I have  28 months of life experience.

Dear wives, most of you are my  friends…some, casual acquaintances:

  • We widows feel and see that slight, ackward “thing” that happens if we are in too close of proximity, for too long, around your husband in the most innocent of situations.
  • We don’t resent you wives for your natural reactions.  We understand and do not feel offended!
  • Just because I am a Christian lady does not  mean you shouldn’t pay attention.
  • When I was married I had upright antennae’s. I applaud you, wives, for paying attention.
  • You are NOT a “jealous woman who doesn’t trust her husband” just because you are healthily guarding your marriage! This is normal.  And correct.  So full of wisdom.  You are his help-meet.  Regularly and fervently tending  to your garden.
  • We widows would’ve been ferociously infuriated and heart broken if another lady had smeared marital boundary lines.
  • Wives, you are very wise to remain your man’s #1 cheerleader. Your man’s #1 friend.  Your man’s #1 confidant.  If any other woman starts becoming one of those, STEP UP!   SPEAK UP!  Don’t become helpless!
  • Wives, fight for your marriages!  We widow’s know what it is like to lose a husband in death. Please don’t lose yours out of lackadaisical complacency.

 

I am just a widow who would give anything to have her husband back.

I am a single Christian lady finding that niche where I fit in.  Trying not be socially reclusive yet very much caring that I never cross lines.  All the while doing it God’s way.

My THREE newest DISCOVERIES and CIRCLES

Death, Family, friendships, Grief, identifying positive things, Loss, Miscellaneous, unexpected things in life

cropped-Julia-56-years-old.-February-2014.jpgIt took my husband’s passing away to open new discoveries in my life.  I now see I was willingly locked, by love and commitment, in to sharing and living my life with him.  At 27 ½ months out, I’m still walking through “the valley”  but I now can pick the wild flowers and lay down in the lush grass along my journey.

While driving to Salem this past Friday morning I had an unexpected “ah ha” moment. You know, those periodic moments where the mind and heart, together, reveal a new truth.

With a rush of dark sadness and a few minutes of hot, torrential tears I realized the following……

“IT TOOK MY HUSBAND’S PASSING FOR ME TO DISCOVER…………………..”

  To discover:

  • New friends! Because I’ve attended Grief Share since 4 months out, I’ve made forever friendships with 10 specific ladies.  We get together monthly for a meal.  We attend each other’s children’s special occasions. All of us are walking “the road”. Some having entered the journey earlier than me.  But all of us forging ahead.
  • New adventures! I’ve just now returned from a fabulous weekend away at a beach house with these same girlfriends.  We successfully crossed the threshold of remaining close friends after spending 48 plus hours together!  (In the past I would’ve NEVER gone away for a weekend with 10 girlfriends….undoubtedly, Loren would’ve been MY first choice, in a motel room with lots of fun and romance at the beach).
  • New freedoms! I like not having “to share” day in and day out. That sounds selfish, but it’s the truth.   (Oh, how I miss that life with him!  But I’m alone.  And it’s healthy for me to embrace being alone.)

“It took my husband’s passing away to discover…….”

Today my heart is full of deep sadness knowing it took Loren’s passing for new, good people to come my way.  Today my heart is full of happiness and contentment for I know these ladies who would run to my side if I needed them.

Oh, and btw, TWO of those TEN “Grief Share girlfriends” were my friends when I was young!

Donna:  5 years younger than me, grew up on an adjoining farm, went to the same church,  ~ a close friend of my sister, Janelle, and her mother was also a friend of my mom!

Eileen:  a girl I met at Bible camp in Middle School.  In High School my sister, Jean, and I attended the same private High School together with Eileen.  We three were very close friends and have silly, silly life stories under our belts!

 We lived our own separate lives within a 50 mile radius.

That is, until death, grief, and loss reconnected me with them…all ending up together at Grief Share meetings in Dallas, Oregon.  WHO WOULD’VE KNOWN !

Circles.  Re-connection.  As the song from THE LION KING movie says,  “It’s the circle, the circle of life!”  The circle of friendship.  Re-born from loss and death.

DECIDING IF I SHOULD ATTEND A FUNERAL and NO LONGER SINGING AT FUNERALS

attending funerals, Death, Grief, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, widowhood

Another kind man has died too young from a freak accident.  A local,  who has helped me out  since Loren’s passing, because that’s the kind of man he was.  Not only do I feel sick because of the loss, I feel sick because I know what his wife is feeling and what she will continue to face.

You may not know, 25 years ago I was hired by three funeral homes in Salem.  For a period of five years I weekly sang and played at multiple funeral’s.  Even though I was providing a professional service I often cried in compassion as I sang for families.  Strangers.  Yet I somehow felt their pain. Or maybe it was the pain I imagined I would feel if it was me sitting on that front row….. ……………………?

6DG_3857

I don’t foresee myself  singing at funerals again.  My life has changed.  I’ve sat on that front row.

I’ve attended two funerals since my husband’s service, 26 months ago.  One service was for Loren’s aunt.  Another service was for a lifelong friend.  Both elderly women.

I came away from those two services feeling content:

  • Content to see friends and loved ones I hadn’t seen recently.
  • Content to honor the loved one and happy to show the family my support by my presence.
  • Content because I remembered how meaningful it was when many people attended my loved one’s service.

But I also came away from those two services heartbroken.  Both times it took me 7 – 10 days to get my feet back on the ground emotionally:

  • Being at a funeral unleashed my personal sorrow again.
  • Being at a funeral immediately transported me back to my first week of Loren’s death.  That unrelentless tunnel.  Also, that painful yet comforting blur at his service.
  • Being at a funeral unleashed the compassion in me, yet to my demise…. for my grief was fresh enough that I cared too much, cared too strong….I couldn’t distance myself emotionally.

After attending the services of aunt Nadine and Merry Berry, I spoke out to my children saying, “I’m not sure I will attend another funeral unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

So, I will have to decide if I will attend the service for Merle this Sunday afternoon.

“God, give me wisdom in these matters.  To not selfishly protect myself.   But wisely care for myself in this grief journey.  Amen.”

MY SHOUTING CONSCIENCE and CONSIDERING that I’M PLACED HERE

Death, Faith in God, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, unexpected things in life, widowhood

cropped-Julia-56-years-old.-February-2014.jpgAt 25 months out I find my conscience shouting! Shouting at me! To the point where, all the while living with my clear conscience and the peace within, I come to a standstill and say, “God, what are you trying to tell me?”  Good grief!

Rarely does God show me areas that I need to immediately correct. But many times I see a dashboard.  With a flashing yellow light.  Even a flashing red light.  In my minds eye I see the straight and narrow road with little forks meandering off to the right or the left.  I have been determined to serve God and not deny my faith even though I questioned God and His goodness for a long while.

I now consider the possibility of me being PLACED HERE.

If quote “temptations” were thrown in front of me during year #1 of widowhood I didn’t notice them because I was frozen in my grief.  Consumed with the heaviness of grief looming in my heart, body, and mind.  Surely locked in that wonderful cocoon of fresh memory, even a haven of entwined love between the spouse who passed and the spouse left, me.

Now entering my 3rd year of widowhood,  the heavy grief has lifted and tears periodically flow but I must tell you the multitudes of choices, decisions, and yes, temptations swirl around me!

I’m not interested in looking for a companion on the internet, not looking for a person to date…yet I most certainly feel the void of not having my husband and our tangible, incredible connection.

At times I feel stranded…yet..maybe..SOMEHOW PLACED HERE…by life, by circumstances, by death…and I’m now starting to believe BY GOD.

You may ask, Julia,…what are the TEMPTATIONS you face, as of today?

  • (Only for the sake of companionship and because he’s a connection with my husband) the temptation to meet that man for coffee as he suggested (even though I know there is no good that could come from it…I would never date/marry one who does not serve Christ).
  • (Only to stay in touch with my husband and our days at the racetrack) the temptation to meet that other man for a quick dinner as he suggested (even though I know there is no good that could come from it…I would never date/marry one who does not serve Christ).

So, I listen to my conscience. I deny my desire to reconnect.  With those men who are pieces of his past…

You may ask, what are your CHOICES that other’s do not already deal with?

  • Something as simple as, what am I going to do this Saturday? For 37 years my husband and I determined to spend time together.  Our past few years, Saturdays were precious.
  • What church best fits me? We chose a church that suited us as a couple. I now choose by myself.
  • What vehicles do I drive? And keep?  He had his. Plural. I have mine.
  • How long do I keep a vehicle when I’m having to put money in to it in repairs? I’ve lost the  majority of our joint income.  Things are different now.

Regarding that dashboard with the periodic flashing light?   God knows my future….He knows what’s coming down the pike. I think I’ll keep watching the dashboard.

Psalms 32:10-11.  “Many are the woes of the wicked..but the Lord’s unfailing love surrounds the one who trusts in Him.”