Category Archives: Loss

EMERGING

Death, Family, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous

QUOTE OF MY WEEK:  “Grief Feels Like Fear”.   C.S. Lewis

My counselor tells me I am “emerging”.  I’ve been told this is a good sign as far as the grief journey goes.  I no longer am fixated on his death.  I fixate on my loss less than I used to. But, I’m having to learn to say, “I”.

My husband was a force.  I had described him as a force for years but only until today have I taken the effort to Google the definition of FORCE:  “Strength or energy as in an attitude or movement”.

I loved that he was a force.  And I also struggled with it, as his wife.  I needed his zeal and determination.  But I was exhausted trying to keep up with him and most people consider ME to be a high energy person!  Much of my identity and the many tastes were centered around who Loren & I were as a couple.  We were together 37 1/2 years. “WE” were individuals but still one. The miracle of marriage.

Through a course of many events and key people in our lives, we all, as children, eventually emerge into the people we will become.  But today, September 12, 2016, parts of me feel as if I am a child, again.  Periodically I feel “afraid”.  Now, I don’t feel afraid about tomorrow.  I don’t feel afraid if I’ll survive by myself.  I don’t feel afraid for my safety.  But,

This image was captured the day after Loren's Celebration of Life.
This image was captured the day after Loren’s Celebration of Life Service.
  • I feel afraid of learning who I am, alone, at my age.
  • I feel afraid I may not see pitfalls by myself.
  • I feel afraid of bearing the big financial decisions by myself.  I miss his input.  We were a team.

It has been said, “Grief feels like fear”, quote C.S. Lewis.  Up until now,  at 17 months out, I would have not identified grief as fear.  I would have told you grief feels like an illness…changing my mind, my body, my emotions. But today I identify with C.S. Lewis.  Grief feels like fear.

You’d think I’d be thankful I’m “emerging” from that shocking, all-consuming grief that physically felt like a heavy cloud sitting on me.

I now see I was just starting to feel familiar with what I identified as grief.  Could I even say I was starting to feel “COMFORTABLE”” with grief and it’s unpredictable PREDICTABILITY?  Could I have settled and stayed in that state for the balance of my life?

“So, Lord, help me transition as the cloud no longer daily consumes me. I know Your promises, I believe Your promises.  I know them to be Truth in belief and experience.  Teach me how to trust You in life as it is now,  even while I’m feeling the fear.

”

I TALK TO HIS PICTURE SOMETIMES

Children, Death, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous
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This picture of Loren is the exact picture that is mounted on the wall. 

Many people in grief are afraid to honestly share lest they be viewed as mentally unstable.  We’re not mentally unstable. We’re not in denial.   We’re walking our  walk through the valley of the shadow of death.  We’ll come out on the other side.  In the meantime……

Most mornings and most nights I stop and look at Loren’s larger- than- life picture mounted on the wall near our bedroom door.  That is, the large picture that was displayed at the front of the church at his memorial service a year ago April 2015.  My man looks so stately in that picture.  When I mounted it on the wall, just days after the service, I declared out loud, “You still are the patriarch of this home and I’ll always love you.  I know a house is just a physical place on earth but this picture belongs here so I can see you as I come and go”.

Sometimes I  stand and smile lovingly into his eyes with a smile on my face, feeling peaceful.  Some days I stand and say, “I’ll always love you.”  It’s the next best thing to having him here.

Today I couldn’t smile.  In fact, I couldn’t see his facial features because my eyes were blurry with tears.  Memories simply aren’t enough.

Some days I briefly tell him, “Honey, I’m home!”  Of course I know he’s not in our home but I think I say those words for myself.  To hear my voice speaking to someone as I enter our home after a day at work.  And to have said those words is enough.  Enough for then, at least.

Months back a thought flitted through my mind as I stopped to smile at his face.  “Wouldn’t it be amazing if this picture was a  portal?  An open place between heaven and earth where he and I could see each other and just briefly sense each other?”   Of course I knew this was highly unlikely but that thought comforted me somehow.  Non-the-less, I feel a draw when I stand in front of that picture. I’ve discovered something new:  so does my 13 month old grandson who has never met his grandfather here on earth!!  He smiles and literally giggles out loud when he is lifted in front of that picture…while reaching his hands upward and forward to touch his beard.  You’d have to see it to believe it!

Tonight I’m going to step out on to the deck. I’m going to reach my hands up towards the stars in the heavens and say, “Even though I can’t be with you, dear husband and only one I love, I know where you are and Whom you are with.  I sorrow for myself but I rejoice for you, for YOU are with your Maker!”

“So God, I know the pain is just for a moment in the scope of eternity.  Keep giving me the necessary perspective to grow through grief. ”

QUESTION:  Can you name other things that you’ve seen people in grief do ~ as their way of helping them go through the process of letting go and moving forward? 

MY LIFE IS AN OXYMORON

Children, Death, Family, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

Two months back girlfriend and co-widow Cindy and I had a leisurely meal together.

In transparency, we unhappily relinquished to the realization that we now have many days where we are “accepting our singleness”.  We both cried, EVEN GRIEVED THE FACT, that we are both, individually, walking into our “new normal”.   To develop the new normal has meant we are no longer daily screaming and fighting our way  througJulia summer 2014 road triph the loss.

For the first time in 14 ½ months I had woke up not thinking about Loren and his death and my loss. When I became aware this had occurred 4 things happened:

  • First, I felt a sense of pride that I had accomplished this.
  • Secondly, I went to my recliner and sobbed, hard……grieving how long I have been without him.
  • Thirdly, I started to think how living without him overwhelms me. I forced myself to stop thinking.
  • Fourth and lastly, I returned to the satisfaction that I am “doing this” and healthily.

The gammat of emotions I went through in that 10 minute period describes an oxymoron.  Webster’s definition of OXYMORON: “a combination of words that have very different even opposite meanings ~ a combination of incongruous words”.  This pretty much describes me.

Along with the surprising physical symptoms that join grief, with the mental and emotional upheaval that occurs during grief, I’ve come to honestly face the myriad of reasons why some people do not stay on the straight and narrow……that is, to side step to other vice’s that would numb the pain or give a temporary high.  There have been periodic times where I’ve felt so low, so empty, the loss of Loren taking me under in a whirlpool of deep dark waters…..where a deterent would’ve been a welcomed sidetrack for me to escape the pain I was feeling.

But I also have periods of time where I feel like my feet are back on the ground and I feel happiness, even purpose. I’m learning to embrace my peaceful times and am choosing to rest, literally and figuratively, in those moments.

“So, God.  Trying to grow while grieving takes so much effort.  Thank You for strong friends and wise godly counsel…plus a good dose of common sense to help me weigh out the consequences of every action because I very much care about remaining a good role model for my children and mankind.  Amen. “

ALWAYS ON MY MIND

Death, Family, Grief, Loss

I wrote this in my journal in May 2016 just before our 2015-2016 school year was coming to an end.  I believe music will forever trigger me….take time to read what happened to me that day.

I’d gone five days without shedding a tear.  I could even say I’d had five days of happiness & acceptance of my lot.  My life felt full of good things.  That is, UNTIL THAT AFTERNOON in the middle of my music class with Mrs. Draper’s 3rd graders.

UNTIL I heard the first few lines of Willie Nelson’s song,  ALWAYS ON MY MIND.  I turned it off after a minute.  IT WAS TOO LATE.  This song wasn’t even Loren and my song.  We knew of the song and it’s “famous-ness”.  The song was sentimental, for sure, but the song held no emotional component for me.  UNTIL NOW, that is.

After hearing a portion of this song my body and emotions were catapulted back into pain & sorrow.  Hours later I’m still feeling remnants of:

  • The pain in my chest
  • The sick feeling in my gut, even at times effecting my digestive system
  • The tears that easily flow or remain bottled up inside of my chest
  • The sense of dread that, “THIS is real! THIS is not going away!  THIS will always resurface at the most inopportune times.”
  • “THIS” meaning:  just when I think I’m really moving forward, something out of somewhere comes around that immediately throws me back into another realization that my husband is gone forever, here on earth that is.

God, Why Can’t I “FEEL” The Way I Used To?

Death, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

This inaugural blog was posted April 9, 2016 on my brother Dennis Gingerich’s blog. I’m grateful he invited me to share my thoughts after my husband passed away.  Not only is writing therapeutic for me, I’m trusting my words prompt a new appreciation for your loved ones.

When my husband unexepectedly passed away at 7:15 a.m. in our master bedroom with me by his side, one year ago March 2015, I went into “work mode”.  Having worked for a public school for 15 years I’ve been trained in First Aid/ CPR.  Every 3 years I have to practice CPR on a dummy or “live dummy” (co-worker).  Every year I have to watch a video of CPR being given.

WassonSo, that morning when my husband dropped and quit breathing I instinctively knew to call 911 and to immediately start CPR since it’s a good 10 minute drive to my house.  I didn’t allow myself the privilege of watching the clock because I knew every minute, even second, counted.  Life and death counted.

When the Fire Chief/EMT later exited the bedroom pronouncing him deceased, my “life saving mode” was still in gear.  I shook my head, saying, “Yes, I know he’s gone.  I watched him breathe his last breath and I felt my hands crushing into his chest…an unresponsive chest.”

When I could go kneel beside his body and then pull back the white blanket to see his face again, the first words that exploded out of my mouth and heart were, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!   This JUST isn’t right!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO….this just isn’t right!”

Those 5 words were the first words that left my lips the moment my world stopped.  That morning when Loren and my world stopped spinning, TOGETHER, that is.  That is the morning when my FEELINGS stopped feeling.  That is the morning when God even protected me from the actual pain I was feeling, that is the degree of physical pain I was feeling…..

ONE YEAR LATER I have come to appreciate that protection of SHOCK.  Naturally I cried.  I wept.  I screamed at God.  I could barely eat.  I could barely sleep.  I was so weak I could barely stand in the shower on the morning of his memorial service.

When someone would come up to hug me I would find myself falling forward into their arms.  THEY were hugging me.  Not me hugging them.  I couldn’t feel God’s love towards me any longer.  I couldn’t feel any sort of Lovingkindness or Mercy from our Lord, the God I have worshipped.  But I COULD feel the embrace of a human being.  That embrace was God’s arms extended to me.  That alone was what I needed.  I no longer had my husband’s arms of love and protection.

This image was captured the day after Loren's Celebration of Life.
This image was captured the day after Loren’s Celebration of Life.

Here I am, ONE YEAR LATER…..and  I am seeing there is a price to pay for embracing feelings again.  To welcome my soul back to life, out of the barrenness that I have lived in this past year, means I am waking up inside.  I am feeling much happiness and more normalcy but it’s just now that I’m feeling such heart rendering, gut wrenching, knife in my stomach, feeling like I’m going to pass out because I can’t catch my breath…PAIN of the loss.   For every bit of happiness I’m feeling, I’m equally feeling physical pain when rush of grief hits me.

But I am confident I’m on the way to renewal.  I’m not moving “on” (I very much dislike that phrase). But, I most definitely am moving forward.  So for today, God, I pray that you help me learn to walk this unrequested walk of widowhood.  Gently guide me towards balanced healthiness in all areas of my life.  God, you know my physical body.  You know what I can handle and what I cannot handle.  So if it means gradually waking me up inside I embrace your tender wisdom because You are my Maker and You will complete the healing that You have started.

Question:  Do you have a time when you felt God wasn’t present in your life? I’d love to hear about it in the comment section below.