Category Archives: Loss

DECIDING IF I SHOULD ATTEND A FUNERAL and NO LONGER SINGING AT FUNERALS

attending funerals, Death, Grief, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, widowhood

Another kind man has died too young from a freak accident.  A local,  who has helped me out  since Loren’s passing, because that’s the kind of man he was.  Not only do I feel sick because of the loss, I feel sick because I know what his wife is feeling and what she will continue to face.

You may not know, 25 years ago I was hired by three funeral homes in Salem.  For a period of five years I weekly sang and played at multiple funeral’s.  Even though I was providing a professional service I often cried in compassion as I sang for families.  Strangers.  Yet I somehow felt their pain. Or maybe it was the pain I imagined I would feel if it was me sitting on that front row….. ……………………?

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I don’t foresee myself  singing at funerals again.  My life has changed.  I’ve sat on that front row.

I’ve attended two funerals since my husband’s service, 26 months ago.  One service was for Loren’s aunt.  Another service was for a lifelong friend.  Both elderly women.

I came away from those two services feeling content:

  • Content to see friends and loved ones I hadn’t seen recently.
  • Content to honor the loved one and happy to show the family my support by my presence.
  • Content because I remembered how meaningful it was when many people attended my loved one’s service.

But I also came away from those two services heartbroken.  Both times it took me 7 – 10 days to get my feet back on the ground emotionally:

  • Being at a funeral unleashed my personal sorrow again.
  • Being at a funeral immediately transported me back to my first week of Loren’s death.  That unrelentless tunnel.  Also, that painful yet comforting blur at his service.
  • Being at a funeral unleashed the compassion in me, yet to my demise…. for my grief was fresh enough that I cared too much, cared too strong….I couldn’t distance myself emotionally.

After attending the services of aunt Nadine and Merry Berry, I spoke out to my children saying, “I’m not sure I will attend another funeral unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

So, I will have to decide if I will attend the service for Merle this Sunday afternoon.

“God, give me wisdom in these matters.  To not selfishly protect myself.   But wisely care for myself in this grief journey.  Amen.”

MY SHOUTING CONSCIENCE and CONSIDERING that I’M PLACED HERE

Death, Faith in God, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, unexpected things in life, widowhood

cropped-Julia-56-years-old.-February-2014.jpgAt 25 months out I find my conscience shouting! Shouting at me! To the point where, all the while living with my clear conscience and the peace within, I come to a standstill and say, “God, what are you trying to tell me?”  Good grief!

Rarely does God show me areas that I need to immediately correct. But many times I see a dashboard.  With a flashing yellow light.  Even a flashing red light.  In my minds eye I see the straight and narrow road with little forks meandering off to the right or the left.  I have been determined to serve God and not deny my faith even though I questioned God and His goodness for a long while.

I now consider the possibility of me being PLACED HERE.

If quote “temptations” were thrown in front of me during year #1 of widowhood I didn’t notice them because I was frozen in my grief.  Consumed with the heaviness of grief looming in my heart, body, and mind.  Surely locked in that wonderful cocoon of fresh memory, even a haven of entwined love between the spouse who passed and the spouse left, me.

Now entering my 3rd year of widowhood,  the heavy grief has lifted and tears periodically flow but I must tell you the multitudes of choices, decisions, and yes, temptations swirl around me!

I’m not interested in looking for a companion on the internet, not looking for a person to date…yet I most certainly feel the void of not having my husband and our tangible, incredible connection.

At times I feel stranded…yet..maybe..SOMEHOW PLACED HERE…by life, by circumstances, by death…and I’m now starting to believe BY GOD.

You may ask, Julia,…what are the TEMPTATIONS you face, as of today?

  • (Only for the sake of companionship and because he’s a connection with my husband) the temptation to meet that man for coffee as he suggested (even though I know there is no good that could come from it…I would never date/marry one who does not serve Christ).
  • (Only to stay in touch with my husband and our days at the racetrack) the temptation to meet that other man for a quick dinner as he suggested (even though I know there is no good that could come from it…I would never date/marry one who does not serve Christ).

So, I listen to my conscience. I deny my desire to reconnect.  With those men who are pieces of his past…

You may ask, what are your CHOICES that other’s do not already deal with?

  • Something as simple as, what am I going to do this Saturday? For 37 years my husband and I determined to spend time together.  Our past few years, Saturdays were precious.
  • What church best fits me? We chose a church that suited us as a couple. I now choose by myself.
  • What vehicles do I drive? And keep?  He had his. Plural. I have mine.
  • How long do I keep a vehicle when I’m having to put money in to it in repairs? I’ve lost the  majority of our joint income.  Things are different now.

Regarding that dashboard with the periodic flashing light?   God knows my future….He knows what’s coming down the pike. I think I’ll keep watching the dashboard.

Psalms 32:10-11.  “Many are the woes of the wicked..but the Lord’s unfailing love surrounds the one who trusts in Him.”

STEEL BARS and RE-MARRIAGE and VALENTINES

Death, Grief, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous

STEEL BARS… WRAPPED ALL AROUND ME….I’ve been your prisoner since the day you found me…I’m bound forever ‘til the end of time, steel bars, locked around this heart of mine.”  Michael Bolton’s song, STEEL BARS, was one of the numerous songs I had put on a CD I had made for Loren in December of 2014.  This song had re-sounded in me for years. Now, at an earlier point in our marriage this same song rang true but with frustration because we were struggling.

 At year 37 we were flying high. Deeply, even madly, in love. More enthralled with each other than ever. More attached than ever because weLoren & Julia had put blood, sweat, and tears into our marriage union.  Add that with our history…”Loren & Julia’s story”…we were unstoppable.  Heart Valentines.

Because of the heart connection we shared, I HAVE WONDERED..simply put, I have questions:

  • Will I always feel so in love with him?  There are times it feels torturous to be so in love with someone when you can’t be with them. At other time’s I carry a smile, secretly comprehending the love we enjoyed.
  • Would becoming a widow have been easier if he & I would have had a mundane “put-up-with-each-other” relationship?
  • How can some widows and widowers possibly move on by this time  (23 months) and find another person to be with?
  • Doesn’t any of them feel the sense of loyalty to the spouse that is deceased?
  • Are the widow or widower just wanting someone else to replace  what they HAD with their deceased spouse…or maybe what they DIDN’T HAVE with their spouse?
  • Is that even fair to the other person when you still deeply love your deceased spouse?
  • Is it true that some remarry for the sheer sake of companionship?

I wonder.  With no clear answers.  And very possibly I wouldn’t have as many questions if my marriage had ended with a painful divorce vs death….

But I don’t need to wonder about THIS:  how I feel grateful, even vibrantly alive, that I was blessed to have found that undying love with one person. Those steel bars of connection. Blessed to have found the deep pools of warm, enduring love that kept us warm, alive, and bonded.  For there are some married couples who never quite find that place……….that place that can be said, “We,  AS A  COUPLE, are home.”

TAXES & DEATH CERTIFICATES & SUCH

Death, Grief, identifying positive things, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, unexpected things in life

This tax season I am no longer a widow.  Thankfully I had that 1st year where the government recognized me as a widow to help me slowly adjust to those taxable changes, the tax adjustments, the decrease in deductions I could use.  This tax season I am being taxed as a single.  The first time in my life paying taxes as a single person.

And, last week I had to once again produce another death certificate for a business transaction.   I foresee having to prove his death in more situations as they show themselves.  You’d think this would come to an end after 22 months.

As I’ve had to continue producing death certificates I’ve discovered:

  • It no longer bothers me to read his death certificate. For the most part, I read the death certificate as I would read any other document.  In my mind his death certificate is associated with all things related to finances and legalities.
  • Reading the death certificate somehow solidifies, even cements, THAT day ~ that landmark in time, those 5 hours in our home when he passed away quickly, when the EMT’s worked on him, when the coroner arrived, when my daughters and I said our goodbyes on that bedroom floor for 3 ½ hours, when Brenna sang from the grand piano when the funeral directors took his body from our home out to the van, watching them take his body down the driveway, and then away.
  • As he seems to fade in my life, those death certificates are a wonderful reminder that I was his wife. I love to see my name on that death certificate.  Death certificates.  Confirming a solemn, life changing event. Julia 56 years old. February 2014

 I’m also not bothered receiving mail that may have his name on it.  In fact, I somehow enjoy seeing mail addressed to him.

  • It brings a comfort, another reminder that he and I had shared our life.
  • It puts perspective in to my life. He and I had shared our finances. We were attached.
  • We were recognized as an entity ~ together. I wish it could stay that way forever…….

 

…and those letters of advertisement and pieces of random mail can keep coming…with his name alone or ours together posted on the envelope.  I’m not ready for them to stop.  When they completely stop I for sure will most certainly feel alone.

TOP 10 THINGS I’M DISCOVERING AT 21 MONTHS

Children, Death, Faith in God, Family, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous

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Since his passing I’ve learned positive things.  Things that can contribute to my overall growth as an adult woman.  I am learning to be content without him. I’ve also discovered sorrowful things, but I am focused on pushing through this grief…to not just circle around the grief and avoid the deep pooled places.  Because I believe.  Eventually.  In time.  I will come out on the other side.

TOP 5 POSITIVE THINGS I AM LEARNING:

  • Love is eternal.  As the famous song from the movie Titanic says, “In my heart you’ll always go on.”  It does.  He does.  In my heart.
  • I’m stronger than I knew. Loren periodically told me, “Julia, you know more than you think you do.” In the areas where he was strong I had let him lead.  He was right.  I know more than I thought.  I am strong.
  • Our 4 children are a direct reflection of he & I. Even though they are strong individuals of their own worth, I look in to each of their eyes and see him.  Pictures of him.  Moments of him in increments of time.
  • My circumstances do not  hold the power to alter the character of who God is.
  • People haven’t changed. It’s me who has changed. The Julia “B.D.” (before his death”) vs the Julia “A.D.” (after his death).  I’m still learning what all of this means….

 

TOP 5 MOST DIFFICULT THINGS I AM LEARNING:

  • After 21 months out I am suddenly “on my own” in the grief journey. The truth be told, by this time many only miss him because they recognize the void in my life.
  • Not even my girlfriends, who are widows or grieving over their loved ones, can completely understand my loss.  We desperately want to understand each other ~ we try.   We reach out in support. At times afraid to be candid about our low, dark times.
  • Sometimes humans cannot bear each others pain.  My kids, my family & friends cannot cure that deep impenetrable hole, that tunnel, where I at times feel lost…even suffocated.
  • Sometimes I feel EVEN GOD cannot cure that deep impenetrable hole.
  • New, additional losses keep appearing. For example, his scent on his robe is still strong.  But the fresh memories associated with that robe are fading.  I’m afraid I’ll lose those special memories.  That scares me.

Even in all of this, I know I am moving forward healthily.  I’ve not avoided my grief. I’ve not denied my Faith and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.  I’ve not deterred the grief in drunkenness, men, overeating, or overspending.   I know myself ~ that I am a truth seeker ~ that I must face my reality head on.

And I know the day will come when this grief – reality – mission can be laid to rest.

“So, God I thank You.  In the eye of the storm You still see me. “

 

I’M MOVING and PROMISES

Death, Faith in God, Family, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

You could say I had been FROZEN.

Then I was STUCK.

SPEAKING OF STUCK………that makes me think a few years back when Loren and I, out of sheer necessity, were cleaning out a 2 1/2 feet deep water, silt-filled, mucky culvert in the back 40.  We each had shovels and knee high rubber boots on.  Well, we long ago learned to never go into a creek-line together, especially near a culvert,  so the other could pull ‘em out if needed.  Well, I sank in silt-mud up to my knees.  I was caught.  Loren yanked on me from the edge.  Neither boot of mine would budge.  We were laughing hysterically. Using his shovel, he tried to create pockets of air around my feet.  I was still stuck.  He cautiously stuck one foot on the edge of the creek-line to gain some leverage.  He started to sink.  He became stuck too. Our shovels were basically useless other than good handles to lean on. With much deliberate effort, we slid our feet out of our rubber boots and then crawled out of the muck. We were in wet, thick mud up to our elbows,  entire legs and bellies.  We never Sheridan-20121009-00096could retrieve my one stuck boot until the following summer after the water receded.

SOME MAY SAY I AM STILL STUCK because:

  • At 20 months-out-to- the-day, I’m still very much in love with my deceased husband. My heart is with him.
  • I love my life living in the home we built and shared.
  • I have no desire to change my residence or the memories that surround me at the ranch.
  • I’m not looking for another life with anyone else.

 

But, I SAY I AM MOVING FORWARD because:

  • I have found meaningful friendships. There is a lessened void.
  • I can now immerse myself in Biblical devotions and apply Truths without dwelling on grief.
  • I can now drive to church on Sunday mornings without the hot, flowing tears.
  • I can now eat in a restaurant by myself without feeling severe loneliness.
  • I no longer cringe when I hear the words “widow” and “single”. I AM those two words and I AM “OK” with it.  To refuse those labels would be a form of denial.  I feel it is my job to face this portion of my life head-on.  To live through it.  To live it out and learn to be content in it.  Whether I like it or not, I’ve been thrown into a new season.

Furthermore the truth is, every one of us will at some point in our life face a deep level of despair.   Every one of us will at some point feel like our world has fallen apart.  Every one of us will at some point question God’s goodness.  God never promised us a rose garden.  But, God does promise He will be with us.

“So, God, I’m thankful I’m no longer frozen.  I’m even thankful I can feel pain. I’m more thankful I’m not running from being alone and loneliness.  Thank you for the journey of contentment.  I thank You for helping me discover new things about myself.  Amen. “

MISSING THE GUYS, ALONE-NESS, and RESPECTING OTHER MARRIAGES

Faith in God, Family, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

I miss hanging with Loren at the coffee shop.  I miss hanging with him while he’s talking with buddies about repairing quads, finding car or farm equipment parts, or solving the world’s problems. I miss hanging with Loren while we run into Skyberg Hardware to purchase farm supplies. I miss the drivers and dispatchers from Winco.  I knew some of them and their wives for 30 years. I miss the life of big equipment and trucks.  The list goes on.  But sometimes life’s circumstances insist we adjust……

1. ACCEPTING THE NECESSARY CHANGE OF MALE FRIENDSHIPS

99% of Loren’s male friends are married men who are concerned for my well-being.  Non-the-less, the dynamics of our relationships have dramatically changed. 

And the change HAD to happen. It’s all about wisdom.  Reciprocation.  Honoring another man and his wife.  Honoring their relationship and never doing anything to impede on that marriage’s well-being.   I would expect the same if the situations were reversed.  See, I’ve long witnessed needy single women hanging on to solid married men.

So, I now sit on the other side of the restaurant when I go in to Coyote Joe’s.  I often wave and say hi to the guys but no longer sit amongst a group of 6 – 10 men. Periodically one or two might give me a quick side hug and ask how I’m doing.

2.  ACCEPTING MY IDENTITY

Changes.  Changes. They feel magnified this fall/winter.  In reality, I’m not excluded. I’m blessed to live in a small town where I’m known because of my job with the School District along with owning and operating my Music Studio.   I’m blessed to live in a small town that knew Loren and I as joint business owners.  I’m blessed to live in a small town who knew Loren as the School Board’s Chairman.  Because we supported our local businesses, people knew us.  I’m still known.  I’m blessed.

3. EMBRACING  NEW FRIENDSHIPS

Loss dwells in me.  But I have been pro-active by becoming a part of a social circle of other single Christian ladies.  Sharing the same ugly loss.  Monthly we get together to laugh like young girls, eat a meal, shed a quick tear, and inevitably tell our most recent crazy stories that life has thrown at us.  I can’t imagine life without these precious friends.

4. RECOGNIZING WE ARE DESIGNED FOR COMPANIONSHIP

One thing I have learned.  We are designed for companionship.  God knew what He was talking about.  We are not meant to be alone.  However, I’m not convinced I want to re-marry.  My life is full with my family, increased responsibilities of maintaining the ranch,  and a job that puts me smack dab in the middle of 480 kids. Then there’s the biggest contributing factor in my thought process:  I still am very much in love with Loren. My heart is with him.

“So, God, so far I have made solid choices.  I’m going to keep listening to that still small voice in my heart.  Listening so I can stay in the center of Your will, because that is where I want to remain.  With You.  Amen.”

(BTW.  I may very well write a blog about the many reasons why not to remarry.  ha.)

He said, “Your husband…..”

Children, Death, Family, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

This morning my chiropractor, whom I see every 6 months or so, made a statement to me, starting his sentence with the words, “Your husband……”  See, Loren had been a patient of Dr. Holton also, along with our daughter Brianne having been a childhood friend of his oldest daughter, Elizabeth.  Hearing the words “your husband” immediately brought a rush of warmth and calm to my heart and body.  Hearing those words equally brought quick, hot tears that burned my eyes and cheeks.

But, I welcomed those quick, hot tears because someone remembered him.  Someone spoke of him.  Someone referred to Loren and my life together.  Someone remembered him as my husband.

And it is well with me that Loren and I always be remembered together! Loren & Julia  Of course, he was his own strong – willed person full of wit and sarcasm.  I’m my own strong-willed person, too.   But we grew together.  We merged in to one together.  Merging into one was not an easy task for us.  But we accomplished it, together, as a team.  We had that “forever connection”. 

I’m grateful our marriage didn’t end in a painful divorce.  In our 37 years we went through periods of time where a wall of unspoken distance loomed. Even though we very much loved each other, there were periods of time we were not even friends…. lovers & raising a family together, yes.  But not close friends.  I have a life-long friend who is now walking through her own immense grief and pain because her husband has left her for another woman after 40 years of marriage.  THAT is pain.  THAT is the epitomy of grief.  Her layers of grief are different than mine, but nonetheless horrific.  Excruciating.  Haunting.

I’m forever grateful that Loren and his graduation to heaven happened in a season of renewed love.  I’m forever grateful our separation happened in a season of much companionship.  Happened in a season of close friendship, a season of undeniable commitment in heart, soul and body with multitudes of “I love  you’s” spoken to each other without restraint.  Unabandoned carefree love as happy empty nesters.  Unabandoned commitment.

Today Dr. Holton said, “Your husband….” Because of Loren’s passing I recognize we legally are not husband and wife but those 2 words are music to my ears for in my heart and mind Loren continues to be just that.  My husband.

JUST A LITTLE BIT, JUST A LITTLE BIT

Death, Family, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous
Another change is coming! Fall, my favorite time of the year.
JUST A LITTLE BIT, JUST A LITTLE BIT…I’m happy a new season has arrived.

Every day I laugh just a little bit, just a little bit.  Every day I smile just a little bit, just a little bit.  Every day I accept my life just a little bit, just a little bit.  Most days I cry just a little bit, just a little bit.

But, as fall has arrived, as the leaves are changing colors, as some dead leaves have already fallen from the trees ~ I feel a change within me.  I wish I could identify the change.  To label it.

I welcome the change all the while hanging on to what was. I welcome the episodes of happiness all the while hanging on to my sorrow, the friend that I have become well acquainted with.  Ol’ Sorrow, that friend whom I’ve lived, even communed, with these past 18 months. Ol’ Sorrow, the partner I’ve shared my life with since my husband has gone.

“So, Lord,  the Scripture says when You start a work in a person You will complete it to the very end.  I can’t imagine how this will end up looking because I relished my world with Loren and the picture I was a part of.  I’m just now willing to even consider opening up my eyes.  So teach me to pray  just a little bit, just a little bit each day.  Teach me to trust  just a little bit, just a little bit each day.”

TIME and GRANDKIDS with GRIEF

Children, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

This past weekend I enjoyed 4 of my 6 grandchildren, ages 13 months to 10 years old, at my home.  I always look forward to time with them.  Time with me, I’m aware, that won’t always be readily available as they get older and become more involved in extra-curricular activities.  Midst the hugs and contentment, I shed more tears than I’ve shed in prior weeks combined. I did my best to conceal my tears because I don’t want to ruin their time when they come out to the ranch.

I grabbed on to the time with the kiddos and purposed to cement wonderful memories into my heart and brain. Mental pictures and literal pictures.  Yet, time with the grandkids was equally painful this time ’round.  Adeline is stretching up.  Olivia is growing too fast.  Ireland also. Lincoln seems to change from day to day.   And my greatest pain is that grandpa is missing out on these changes.  His grandchildren brought him deep joy.  Because Loren and I didn’t do the greatest job parenting our 4 children as a team, we, as a couple, relished our 2nd chance…this time as grandparents…having more wisdom of what to do and what not to do.6DG_3857

The grandkids and I kept our routine.  Ate Cinnamon Crunch cereal.  Oreo’s.  Ate at Coyote Joe’s.  Popcorn at 10 p.m.

  • I also danced my heart out with the girlies. Just like Loren and I used to do with the girlies.  To our favorite BEE GEE’S CD.  That was the first time the crushing sorrow hit me on Saturday.  Even then I wondered how I could have so much fun with them while the wind was being knocked out of me….that blow from death.  That unrelenting blow that collides into your heart first, then overtaking the body and the energy.
  • Olivia reminisced how she was “grandpa’s little woodcutting helper”. She reminisced about helping grandpa measure each piece of firewood at a perfect length.  She’s also very proud she was the one who helped him sort brass.
  • Adeline reminisced how “grandpa would sneak some of her blueberries” when they were eating dinner. She reminisced how he liked to grab bites of food here and there whenever we were in the kitchen.  Plus she loved how he would be the one who would cut her waffles or pancakes.
  • Then at bedtime we prayed. This time both Adeline and Olivia asked me,  “Grandma, will you pray and tell Grandpa “hi” for us in heaven?” I just about choked.  But, with childlike faith we prayed.  I asked Jesus to tell Grandpa “hi” and let him know we all love him and miss him. I’m still crying over this prayer request. Might be for a great while.

“Dear God, I hope in time every Birthday party, every Holiday, every event spent with the grandkids won’t always bear this level of pain. Help me to adjust to happiness and sorrow co-mingling.  Dangling in between is a hard, hard place to be.  I want to be free of this ‘in between place’ so I can be happy like the children. “