Category Archives: Loss

The Widow and her NEW Grandchildren

Children, Christian Widows, Daughter MIssing Father at Wedding, Daughters Losing their Fathers, Death, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Grief at 6 years, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, The Widow and Grandchildren's Births

When my youngest daughter and her husband announced their first pregnancy at our 2020 Thanksgiving Meal, I felt numb. I’m incredibly embarrassed to say I did not show a deep reaction.  Naturally I was very happy for them….loving the thought of having another grandchild, however I did not scream in delight nor hop up to give hugs. I just sat in my chair at the dinner table with the family…. asking multiple questions about how my daughter was feeling, the due date etc.

 It was later that night, when by myself, that I started questioning, “Am I being a neurotic selfish parent who inadvertently turns the attention on themself?”  I was mad that “I hadn’t been the perfect mother who responded in the perfect way”. 

By the following day I was able to sort through the emotions. I called my daughter and apologized profusely, feeling very remorseful that their announcement may have felt like a letdown.

I was going to happily become a grandparent again… yet, because I had been down this road before, I knew the sorrow that would accompany the beautiful baby.

Our third grandchild had been born 3 ½ months after Loren’s passing. Loren had known he’d be having his first grandson and he was on Cloud 9 non-stop. He had announced the news on Facebook and to anyone who would listen. We already had two adorable granddaughters…the perfect apples of his eyes.  Loren loved babies and children.  Simply put, my man was a complete kid magnet.

….Not long after Thanksgiving 2020, another daughter “randomly” dropped by.  By this time I had a greater understanding of my less-than-perfect reaction with the first announcement on Thanksgiving.

This time there wasn’t that spell-bound-shock-as-with-me-sitting-at-the-kitchen-table.  No, I was sitting in Loren’s recliner in the Master Suite…she in the other recliner when the tsunami of tears hit us.  After minutes of blubbering we eventually discussed the excitement of two babies next Christmas. 

Hot tears still bubble up quickly when I recall the “Since Loren has died I have”:

  • Watched two daughters date various men and find their men they chose to settle with
  • Gave my verbal approval when one young man asked if he could marry our daughter
  • Walked our daughter down the aisle and gave her away
  • Sat on the front row, beside the aisle, at two daughter’s weddings, without my spouse
  • Gained 1 grandson 3 ½ months after Loren passed
  • Gained 3 grandchildren by marriage
  • Shortly, I’ll gain a grand baby within days
  • I’ll then gain another grand baby in August

Maybe…just maybe…one of the new babies will look abit like their grandpa.  If so, I’ll be like Loren.  I’ll laugh a loud hearty laugh and abrupt water shed may happen in the most inopportune times.

The WIDOW and Their ADULT CHILDREN. Chapter 3.

Children, Christian Widows, Death, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, How To Help Widows, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets, Widows and their Adult Children, Widows with Adult Children

WOULDN’T YOU KNOW!!!!…. the following day after I had rough-drafted this attached blog, one of my daughters had randomly said, “Mom, I hope you know I do not feel you are a burden to us.” I then thought, “O shoot….maybe I should cancel the blog that I am writing…maybe I don’t want my kids to know what I was thinking today.” But, since I knew the blog wasn’t formed from a moment of discouragement…but realism…I made the decision to complete and publish.

————————————————————————————————————————–

It’s becoming more apparent as time proceeds forward: 

As long as I remain single and live at the ranch I can never really live independently.

My definition of “LIVING INDEPENDENTLY”: doing everything myself….on ladders cleaning gutters, applying moss killer on the roofs and later sweeping off the roofs, running the chainsaw to cut fallen trees, never needing to ask my kids to help me do projects or if they can’t do it hiring someone else to do the job.

It’s an odd dance, that is, learning how to give your children their right to live their adult lives as independent agents all-the-while somehow calibrating your life in sync with theirs…..just because you lost your husband… and fervently trying to keep the family property for the next generation.

It could possibly be compared to an unspoken love-hate relationship….hopefully with neither side actually FEELING the love-hate / compassion-resentment potential…. as far as coming to the point of resenting WHY this calibration was needed in the first place.

But let’s be candid and put the cards on the table…brass tacks…rubber meeting the road:

  • I very much dislike that I even NEED to depend upon my children for ANYTHING other than frequent texts, periodic phone calls, monthly times of brief companionship, seeing the grand kids, and, of course, Holidays and maybe a few trips together every few years.  
  • They may dislike that they even NEED to watch out for me (if Loren was here they’d be counting on their dad and I to do what we always did…mostly without them). 
  • It started way too early in life for me.   
  • It started way too early in their lives (I should’ve been in my 80’s before my kids needed to attempt oversight of any parent).
  • It’s apparent I can’t live completely independent from my children (this thought is incredibly frustrating… yet quite comforting to me at the same time).
  • It’s reasonably apparent to assume they will always feel this looming responsibility to take turns watching out for me (I guess the positive side is:  they still have one parent to watch out for).
  • If, for example, I live to be 80 years old…my kids will have had 24 plus years of their adult lives to have felt a responsibility to have had to stay in closer-contact with a parent
  • Hopefully they realize they should be setting boundaries now… with me and with each other.
  • If, in the future, I learned that my kids started to resent each other because one or two had to do all of the work or make all of the decisions (other than my designated person(s) for future legal matters), I would feel disappointed and possibly guilty.
  • Hopefully my children are graciously speaking up now, amongst each other, if they see patterns starting that could bring disruption to their future relationships with each other.

 I continuously pray I will be a blessing to my children…where they can look back on these present years and recognize our combined reciprocal generosity with each other… all because Loren’s death forced us to change the prior ebb and flow…now adjusting to another family dynamic.

As for birthing my kids years back…. those stretch marks, varicose veins, and birth pains were worth every bit of it.    

WIDOWS and Their ADULT CHILDREN. Chapter 2.

Children, Christian Widows, Daughter MIssing Father at Wedding, Daughters Losing their Fathers, Death, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, friendships, Grandchildren, Grief, Holidays and Grief, Honoring Your Deceased Spouse, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, Widows and their Adult Children

My husband was in his mid-50’s when his 2nd parent graduated to Heaven.  She was 92, Loren’s father passed years earlier at the age of 83.  I’ll never forget the looming silence that lingered around Loren that entire first month as he faced the now-loss of both parents. He hadn’t been as shaken when his father passed….not so when his last parent passed.

“I somehow feel as if I am an orphan”, he had solemnly stated. I then wondered if his 4 siblings felt that way too?

Even though I often feel a great portion of my growth-thru-grief has been a sole effort on my part, I equally acknowledge the monumental role that my children have played towards my continuous learning to spread my wings…to gain some height in the struggling soar.

Today I feel a variety of emotions as I contemplate the approach of the 6th Year Anniversary of Loren’s passing:

  • Pride……how I’ve became as independent as I am
  • Melancholy…..that for my own well-being I needed to proceed forward without him
  • Thankful…..that I’ve managed to remain at the place Loren and I pioneered
  • Extremely grateful…..that the relationships with each of my children have deepened
  • Pursuant…..in deeper understanding of God’s loving care for the widow and the fatherless
  • Relieved……about having faithful friends and family who have stood by my side

It’s my observation and opinion that my adult children have had to equally purpose to spread their wings… to gain height in their struggling soars. Not only were they gaining momentum in their individual  lives, THEY additionally HAD TO and STILL HAVE TO KEEP ON:

  • Balancing their personal lives…now along with a single mom who emotionally and physically needs them more than before
  • Choosing to not worry about their mom
  • Developing additional skills of communication with their siblings (when they need another one to step up to share the load)
  • Facing their own fresh grief(s) of getting married without a father to be a part of their wedding
  • Facing their own fresh grief(s) of having their father not be a part of their pregnancy, childbirth, welcoming their baby into their family
  • Comforting their children who miss their grandpa, who are having to learn to experience on-going Holidays and life without him
  • Explaining death and Heaven to young children who never met their grandpa
  • With their life partner, experiencing the challenge of learning to be understood…all because they have lived through something life-shattering….
  • Having the acute awareness that their whole world can change at the drop of a hat
  • Seeing not everyone is “blessed” to be able to say their lengthy goodbyes and experience gradual-grieving before a parent passes
  • Enjoying happy times with the whole family….experiencing laughter after the deep sorrow

…….to be continued……..

The Widow and ONE CHANGE AT A TIME

Children, Death, Doing New Things, Getting rid of loved ones things, Grief, Grief at 5 Years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Parting with deceased spouse things, Widowhood at 5 years out
I’m not sure when I’ll be able to say goodbye to this hair style and color. It was specifically suited for Loren.

In my brother Dennis Gingerich’s latest blog https://www.dennisgingerich.com/one-sure-thing-you-can-count-on/?fbclid=IwAR1pazGIGnzslyWLwkdZo0GJIpOGzJ0jZCFxBltpEzPOBHYLDCvTPkhRJZk he discusses the topic of CHANGE.  It’s fascinating that I had already been reminiscing of the slow gradual changes I’ve made since Loren passed.

Frankly, in the first 2 years I wanted to freeze time.  It was comforting that Loren’s scent remained on his robe and a few not-yet-washed shirts. I hadn’t yet parted with his clothes or shoes.  Other than reorganizing the closet and his drawers in the bathroom, everything remained precisely the same.

After spending two winters heating the entire house’s water-in-the-floor-radiant heat with an outdoor Wood-fired Furnace (using approximately 6 cords of wood per winter), I knew I’d need to make a change.  The labor was too intensive and walking 30 feet from the house before midnight, no longer having a mate to share the duties, was too much.  By this time I had also decided I would stay at the ranch.  For the sake of taking care of myself physically, I switched to a Propane Heat source using the same radiant heat system. 

Before the 3rd Christmas without Loren I had removed all of his WinCo, casual, dress, and work shirts from the closet.  I pursued a project that would be meaningful.  I had 5 queen size quilts and 6 smaller quilts made for each of my 4 children, myself and the 6 grandchildren.  Out of Loren’s wool sweaters I also had beautiful pillows made, even using his logging suspenders on the pillows.  Many tears were shed while opening their gifts. I imagine those quilts will be the most tender Christmas gifts my family will ever have received from me, in my lifetime.

At the 4 year mark I knew I had to take care of my investment, meaning it was time to re-stain and re-paint the buildings at the ranch.  Instead of Loren lifting me 10-20 feet up in the air while he carefully sat on the large forklift holding me in place (while I stood on a pallet and painted/stained the highest parts of the buildings), I knew my limitations and hired a skilled man to hand stain the 3 buildings.  Just because I was a widow did not excuse me from being a good steward of what God had allowed Loren and I to build.

At this 5 year mark, I have already sold my building in town. I have another hurdle to jump in July.  I took the initiative of asking my kids and grandkids to come out to the ranch on a Saturday.  We will be tackling the job of cleaning out the barn (incidentally, where I fractured both of my elbows in May….I was meandering through the narrow pathways to get to the air compressor).

I must admit there is a level of trepidation in me.  I have watched enough HOARDER TV shows… observing how people who have lost someone dear are the ones who re-visit their deep pain as they watch things leaving a building.

The comfort I cling to, after deciding what will stay, my kids will have first chance to take what they want…..and what they don’t want will either be passed on to specific best friends of Loren’s or be hauled off to recycling that day….now, the next thing to part with will be Loren’s tired commuter car that I’ve been driving….but, I’M. NOT. QUITE. READY. YET.

PRESSING the RELEASE BUTTON and OUR Plans

Buttons, Death, decision making, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Fears and the Widow, Fighting to grow, God's Will, Grief, Grief at 5 Years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows Managing Finances

I pressed a release button.  It had not been an easy decision to be making by myself. 

I listed a piece of Residential/Commercial property that Loren and I had purchased on Main Street in  beautiful “Timbertown USA” 26 years ago. In the Commercial Storefront, we owned and operated every-guys-dream-business the first 9 years.  After he tired of the walk-in-retail-component, I then moved Julia Wasson Music Studios into that space for 17 years (where I continued teaching voice/piano lessons ~ having just now completed 32 years of private lessons).  Loren and I had also lived in the home the first 7 years while we built our dream at the ranch.  

“If life had remained as Loren and I had dreamed and expected” this property would have been placed on the market the summer of 2015.  Because Loren was going to retire in one year, he wanted me to close the music studio and have more time to play at the end of my workday.  In addition, OUR PLANS were to use a portion of the proceeds of the sale towards building another building at the ranch and  restoring a hot rod that Loren was bent on racing at the drag strip.   

To go back further yet in time, BEFORE WE DECIDED WE WERE GOING TO PURSUE SELLING THE PLACE on Main Street in 2015, we were going to chase our newest diversions by taking out a loan since we had much equity at the ranch.  Approximately 6 months before he unexpectedly passed, we had gone to our locally-owned Bank and filled out an application.  The Loan Officer saw no reason why this wouldn’t be an easy transaction, with our good credit and long-time standing with this Bank. We waited and waited. Lo and behold, 10 days later the Loan Officer/Head Manager of the Bank called… explaining she was shocked how the requested loan was not approved, yet alone with a satisfactory reasonable answer as to why! 

As Loren and I quietly drove to a restaurant later that evening, discussing what our next step might be, I specifically recall saying, “THIS MAKES NO SENSE.…but….God must know something that WE don’t know…. Something must be going to happen that we are unaware of….” 

….Those words that I had then spoken have replayed in my mind multiple and multiples of times since his passing…. 

To get back to the story, SHOULD WE HAVE been approved of that loan, SHOULD WE HAVE built that other building, SHOULD WE HAVE restored that hotrod….. I would NOT have been able to stay at the ranch on my income! 

I am convinced: God sometimes steps in to spare us….sometimes from ourselves….to protect us….to help arrange our ducks for our unknown-to-us-future.   

P.S.  Since my awesome renters, of the home, are moving to another area in Oregon and I no longer want to deal with the pressures of new renters and the ongoing upkeep of another building, I am selling the place. As far as the private teaching goes, I’ll keep giving a few piano/voice lessons.  Just at a different location.

HALF A DECADE of being a WIDOW

Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, How To Help Widows, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New and Seasoned, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Marriage
This picture was taken mere months before he unexpectedly passed
This photo was taken mere months before he unexpectedly passed

This week is a monumental week.  I have been a widow for half a decade now. In the past five years, at varying times, THE FOLLOWING FIVE statements have been spoken to me; not glib words spoken without intent, but presented with interpreted care and strong belief.  These same statements have never left my mind.  I’m now ready to give a “more-seasoned-response” since I’m past the heightened reactions that traveled alongside my raw grief.

“God will ALWAYS bring good out of tragedy”.   

  • “It’s always possible God could ‘bring good’ out of this tragedy but I will never  demand it in my heart because there are millions who have survived far worse situations than mine….and then there’s the fact that  ultimately I feel it’s impossible since ‘my idea of good’ would be for me to be transported back to where Loren and I were ~ that life that we had worked so hard to attain”.
  • “I’m just grateful I have grown to find peace in my adjusted life”.
  • “I continue to make great efforts (Grief Counseling, trusting in the Lord, carefully choosing the people whom have influence in my life) and have found more courage than I would’ve ever thought I could have.”
  • “So, yes, some could argue that ‘good came out of his passing’.”

“Divorce is worse than Death…at least you know where he is!”

  • “I have felt the pain of divorce but only once as a parent and three times as a sibling/in-law.  Even though I wasn’t the one who was physically and emotionally betrayed, our entire family grieved and felt the turmoil from the separations.”
  • “Pain is pain.  Loss is loss.  Each relationship had its own degree of intimacy so I will never belittle the devastation that comes with divorce.”
  • “Whether it be divorce or death you can know that major changes will come a person’s way.”
  • “The only (dare I say it ? ) ‘benefit of a spouse’s death’ vs divorce is that you don’t have to face your Ex in painful social situations, deal with children custody issues, or divide the assets.”

“A person needs a companion. God didn’t intend for people to live alone.”   

  • “It would have never been my desire to be single at 56 years of age.”
  • “I am not afraid to live alone”.
  • “I have a job that I enjoy, I work with people that bring meaning to my life, and I have a network of family and friends who give me love and support.”
  • “Two IS better than one.  However…for ‘two to be better’ a person must team up with the right person.  Many widows/widowers rush to remarry, in desperation from loneliness or fear, and later have regret because they  had not spent the necessary alone time to grieve-it-through-to-completion …and if you don’t ‘work through’ the long, harrowing grieving process you’ll never have a clear mind to analyze a new person, their character, and habits.”
  • “My idea of marriage is not to just have a warm body to lay next to at night.”
  •  “It’s crazy to assume that another marriage would be equally happy or unhappy.”
  • “I’d rather be a widow who lives alone than married and lonely.”

“Don’t wait forever….statistics say if a widow / widower do not remarry within the first three years, the odds greatly increase that you will remain single the rest of your life.”

  • “My first three years of grief were astoundingly difficult… but all of the-great-pain-in-my-world did not drive me in to another man’s arms when I was simply longing to be in Loren’s arms.  Ethically and morally that would’ve been wrong at every level.”
  • “I will never settle.  If that means being alone, so be it.”

“There will never be another Loren and the love you two shared, but you can find another man to love, Julia….the love may feel different but life can be better than it is now.”

  • “As I said earlier, my idea of a complete fulfilling marriage is more than just having a warm body to lay next to at night.”
  • “I’m not sure I want to expend the energy that it took for Loren and I to reach the glorious melding of the heart, spirit, mind and emotions…you know, that point where the ‘two actually DO become one’.  I’m logical enough to know that this doesn’t happen overnight and at times never happens.”

(to be continued at a later date…………..)

WIDOW BRAIN and How To HELP the WIDOW WITH It

Death, Fears and the Widow, Grief, grief at 4 years, grief in the workplace, How To Help Widows, Loss, Miscellaneous, New and Seasoned, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, Widows and their Adult Children, Widows Managing Finances

At first, I thought I was losing it.  Or did I blame it on the shock of Loren’s unexpected death?  Amongst the searing pain with the never-ending adjustments of living without him,  I couldn’t put my finger on it… but how DOES someone identify something they’ve never lived with before…. this foreign symptom….how DOES a person have the where-with-all to even TRY to concentrate enough to process what is happening to them?  who can even verbalize it?….the heart and the body simply hurt too much.

…in complete honesty… I had been laughingly (slight humor remained in me) excusing myself with these two words… especially when with the people I felt safe with….just hoping that others, who didn’t fit in that category, didn’t notice the deficits.

WIDOW.  BRAIN.   Yes, I was an organized person AND I still ~ LEGITIMATELY had “WIDOW BRAIN”:

  • Forgetting to show up to a hair appointment
  • Having the oil changed in one of the cars 2,000 miles TOO EARLY
  • Forgetting to get a monthly venom allergy shot
  • Forgetting how to jump start a vehicle, how to start a generator
  • Inconsistently eating full meals and drinking enough liquid
  • Making out-of-character-for-me errors during Bookkeeping
  • Taking twice as long, at my job and at home, because I knew I needed to double-check all organizational and financial responsibilities for accuracy

PRACTICAL WAYS the Widow can combat her “WIDOW BRAIN”:

  • Keep a “to-do” list in a chosen place where you will often pass by it
  • Create an area where you will have easy access to your combined random notes
  • Write down important thoughts/future events immediately before you forget
  • Carry a Planner (Calendar and Notes) in your purse when you leave the house
  • Use your Calendar App in your cell phone for reminders
  • Every few days, compare your multiple “to-do lists” to make sure they are in sync
  • Journal ideas and insights (they will be few and far between in the 1st year of grief)
  • Get out of bed before 6:30 each morning and eat immediately
  • Be consistent with a new well-rounded routine, 7 days a week

PRACTICAL WAYS the Friends of the Widow can assist her:

  • Lovingly ask if she has eaten today
  • Lovingly ask if she is sleeping at night and taking a short nap each day
  • To jar her memory (per chance she has forgotten appointments) ask if there are scheduled Appointments she needs to be taken to

PRACTICAL WAYS Adult Children of the Widow can assist her:

  •  Per chance she is new to sole financial responsibilities, help her establish her new “Now-Budget and Payment Schedule” on paper
  • Per chance she hasn’t paid bills online before, help her learn to navigate it 
  • Ask about the status of the finances every few weeks and help if needed
  • Continue to assist her until Probate and because-of-death-transitions-and-obligations are completed

I’m just grateful I no longer feel the heavy weight of rocks, as in the picture.

I COULDN’T DO IT EARLIER, CHECKS and Ms. Wasson

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Fighting Grief, Grief, grief at 4 years, grief in the workplace, Holidays and Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays, Widows Managing Finances

I couldn’t do it earlier, that is, finish the Probate on Loren and the Commercial Business. A long while back, I eagerly approached Probate in stride.  I was finally emotionally and physically ready for the long hefty process.  In fact, I felt great relief as I wrote the final check to the lawyer.

My Ultimate Belief Even When I Don’t Feel It

BUT NOT THIS MONTH. IT’S DECEMBER. I should’ve known by now how the month of December accentuates happy or sad feelings.

Yesterday I went to my pre-arranged appointment with a 3rd Bank.  Since Probate is closed I’ve been advised it’s necessary to close out certain accounts. 

Honestly, at 4 1/2 years out I’m shocked how hot, dripping, searing tears along with physical pain can randomly return so readily….it’s worrisome to not be able to control how my body reacts. Even though I am at work today, I’ll just hope that most adults and children don’t notice my hoarse voice, red swollen eyes and face. It would be quite wonderful if these random crisis-modes would only happen when I’m not with other people.

I’ve decided I will carefully lay away two or three unused “invalid” joint owner checks where his name is above mine.  It doesn’t matter that there will be skipped check numbers on the Bank Statements. In my heart alone, I’ll know why this was purposefully done:  we were a team in business, in sharing finances and in life.  And even though I well know he is not here, a deep place inside of me still holds on to the “joint status”.

I still can’t say goodbye to that.  Quite frankly, I’m not sure I ever will.

To seal the deal, walking down the hallway at work this morning, I suddenly noticed another change:  beneath my Staff Identity Picture someone changed my title to Ms. Wasson. Dagger directly through the heart. I took a photo of it and texted it to Brenna. I won’t even attempt to tell you how many minutes more tears poured.

Christmas is almost here. I know God will keep empowering me. I also know this winter – in – my – heart will soon end…..again.

NOt a NurSe NoR a PuRSe

Dating and Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, grief at 4 years, healthy boundaries, Loss, Miscellaneous, Nurse or Purse, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, Widows and Marriage, Widows Managing Finances

Absolutely the truth! I have deep sorrow because I will never have a picture of Loren and I holding each other close and dancing at this age.

My Grief Share girlfriends and I often joke how it is our intent to not be a “NURSE or a PURSE “.  We don’t say this out of spite.  For me, these words are out of self-protection and great awareness.

I know this sounds harsh for a widow to say, but the truth is, “There are men out there in the world who are trying to gain from a woman’s loss”.  When my brother in law died I remember hearing Loren warn his sister of those situations.  Two of my eight girlfriends have personally experienced this (Purse) in the past 6 years.  Of course, it could equally be said there are women out there who are happy to gain from a man’s loss.  And yes, I know there are good men in this world…

Should you assume most widows have wads of cash sitting around you are  dead wrong.  The truth is, most of us lost a large percentage of our household income. Even if there might have been life insurance most of us paid off bills with that money.  The circle of widows I hang with do not fit in the category of “Purse”.

When I married Loren at 20 years of age I willingly vowed to love him in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, through happy times and hard times. Not understanding the depth of what all that might entail, both of us fulfilled those vows. Granted, we weren’t always on cloud nine,  but I never lost my sense of commitment towards staying with the man I married, towards working alongside the man I married and enjoying the camaraderie with the man I married.

I was emotionally and devotionally prepared to eventually change his diapers….. whether it be because of illness or old age.  I had loved his body well throughout the years and to care for his future aging-physical-needs would’ve been an honest privilege.

I’ve become quite the people watcher, that is “an-elderly-married-couple-people-watcher”….  I smile as I watch them help each other.  I smile as I watch them communicate with each other, noting how each couple seems to have their own private language.  At 4 ½ years out,  I’m rarely jealous as I watch them.  Honestly, for-the-most-part I feel grateful that my spouse won’t have to physically care for my body as I age.

By now, a variety of people have asked me or said,  “Julia, do you ever think you will remarry?”  “Julia, you deserve to be loved again.” “You are just afraid”.  “I’d feel better knowing you have someone to watch out for you as you get older”. “The love won’t be the same as it was with Loren, there will never be another him, but you can find another love.”

I know I could (quote) “find another person to love”.  I just can’t imagine there ever being another man I’d want to SHARE MY LIFE WITH.  Loren, and our life together, set the bar very high.  Our lives flowed in and out of each other. To live with anything/anyone that would not meet those (dare I say it?)  “expectations / qualifications” would seem like a horrible letdown……plus:

  • I’m not willing to take a relationship risk whereas I was when I was 20.
  • I’ve also learned you don’t really know a person unless you’ve been around them for a few years in multiple life situations so, again, there’s too big of a price (emotionally and for the sake of my kids and grandkids) to take a risk.

Guess I don’t need to worry about becoming someone’s NURSE or PURSE.  Ha.

 

FRieNDs and the Widow. God’s Will and Plan B. Chapter 4

Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, God's Will, Grief, grief at 4 years, How To Help Widows, Longevity Marriages, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets, Plan B, Widows and Friendships

Within the past month I’ve listened to two girlfriends voice their concern AND desire…how they are praying and ” NEEDING to know God’s Will ” …. see, they are now single women… one divorce and one death… like me, women who didn’t choose their situation…having to learn to live in an unwelcome situation….who at times vacilate between peace and discontentment, thinking there SURELY must be “a way out” of their present and future unease.

The 1st friend?  I didn’t respond, then…she wouldn’t have appreciated my thought at that moment.  The 2nd friend,  I responded saying,  “How do you KNOW that your life, as it is now, ISN’T His will for you???”   After a lengthy pause she quietly said, “I had never thought of that before”.

 Whether it be a spouse who betrayed you and left the marriage or it be a spouse who was careless in not getting back to the  Dr  sooner-than-later,  ultimately you have the choice to remain  or  NOT  remain under the bitter-filled blanket of blame.

FOR ME,  my “bitter-filled blanket of blame statement”   WAS,   “Loren would be alive today IF he wouldn’t have been SO stubborn….IF he JUST would’ve call the cardiologist or gone to the Emergency  Room when the arrhythmia started up again” (see, at the time of the successful ablation he was told he’d need a pacemaker with a defibrillator IF the arrhythmia ever reoccurred)…..BUT HE had his reasons….HE was GOING to retire from WinCo shortly….HE was GOING to take the chance (of the arrhythmia possibly not being as serious as the cardiologist had told him it would be) so he could get his full pension $$…….now… here’s my opportunity to be angry….if he JUST would’ve gone to the Dr or the E.R. the day before, as I suggested….(he was abit winded but was sure the arrhythmia was temporary and would surely stop….. so I chose to not freak out…. because stress would’ve only made the arrhythmia worse…and, yes, I felt helpless that he didn’t heed my suggestion)..…. and,  THAT same DAY he had told me, “When the arrhythmia is bad enough, Julia,  I’ll LET YOU KNOW” (to take him to the E.R.)… well, surprisingly  he DID  let me know that next morning at  6:37 ….AND after a few brief words with me,  all within 5 seconds,  he collapsed and was immediately unconscious  and very very soon……..   Yep, I had immediately called 911 alright…. And yes,  I DID MY PART (frantically, though steadily,  doing CPR on him for 20 minutes til the EMT’s arrived at 7:05….but that wasn’t enough….they couldn’t revive him….even after the EMT’s took turns working on him for a period of time).

AT what measure is Loren responsible for his passing?    AT what measure is GOD responsible?

I’ve had  four  VERY  NECESSARY  years  to process things:

  • Loren had the physical warning that something serious could be happening
  • He didn’t “have time” to go to the E.R.  and he did NOT want ME calling the ambulance unless HE determined it was “serious enough”
  • God could’ve stopped the arrhythmia
  • God probably doesn’t override a person’s will
  • I don’t blame myself for not overriding his wishes the day before….I didn’t know how bad it really was….IF HE EVEN KNEW,  I’m sure he didn’t want to worry me

As time has progressed and peace has slowly settled over my broken heart and question-filled mind, I’m just now starting to consider:

  • Who says my life as a widow hasn’t become “God’s will” for me?
  • Who says I “must search” for “God’s Will” in an alternative Plan B?
  • Who says that something is wrong when a person chooses to “learn to be OK” in a less than ideal circumstance?