Category Archives: Death

To Wear Or NOT To Wear OR Keep

November 16, 2018Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Fighting to grow, Getting rid of loved ones things, Grief, grief at 3 years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Wearing Wedding RingsJulia Wasson

After driving a long day off the Dayton Bar along the Willamette River, as I jumped down from my brand new 1979 White Western Star dump truck, my double banded diamond wedding ring became caught near the exterior mirror twisting both the gold wedding and engagement bands, so much that the bands had to be cut off my 4th finger.

After tearing the skin and bruising the now-swollen-finger, from that day forward if Loren and I worked outside around equipment we never wore our wedding bands. I hated not wearing my wedding rings but I knew it was a necessity because of people who had lost their fingers in accidents around equipment.

Because Loren never wore his wedding ring while delivering groceries for Winco, it was a running joke when he’d put his wedding ring back on, saying, “Well, I guess I’m married today”. Or better yet, when we were leaving to go on a date we’d jokingly say, “Should we wear our rings tonight and be married?”

Well, as of six months ago, I randomly started not wearing my wedding ring. Uhmmmm. Decisions. …..To wear or NOT to wear?

I had decided to test the waters and see if my grief lessened when not wearing the symbolic circle of commitment and trust.

Other than the initial feelings of emptiness, other than noticing some people (STILL!!) look at my hand and notice that I am (or NOT) wearing my wedding ring, I can attest that neither wearing or removing my wedding ring lessens or increases the loss. Wearing or not wearing my wedding ring does not change my love for Loren.

I might add, HIS “THINGS” ARE VALUABLE to me. Last Christmas his shirts were made into quilts for our four children and six grandchildren and became loving personalized gifts. I’m continually trying to think of ways I can use “his things” as functional memories.

I FINALLY UNDERSTAND HIM! He was a “sentimental fool”. For example, in the shop sits a few logging paraphernalia his deceased father once used. When cleaning out the shop a year before he passed, Loren had told Jasmine and I, “I can’t get rid of this. I JUST CAN’T GET RID OF THIS!”

And that pretty much sums up how I feel about so many of his “things”. Other than gifting a few things to Loren’s two best friends, Marv and Dan, I carefully-with-much-caution decide if I should get rid of “it”. I also wonder if some day in the future Loren’s things may become more valuable in sentiment to our children..?…

For me, I have discovered things are not replaceable when memories are attached!!

The rings? Priceless.

These rings will always hold cherished symbolism. Whether they sit on the counter or are proudly carried on my finger I can’t imagine ever losing the proud, loving sense of connection.

With his and my rings there is no “til death do us part”. Death may have forced me to physically part from Loren. But death can’t steal memories and death can’t stop things from being valued.

SECONDARY LOSSES and Sexual Bereavement

October 22, 2018Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, Marriage, Miscellaneous, resolutions for the widow, Sexual Bereavement, widowhood, Widows and alonenessJulia Wasson

We’ve all seen this “Secondary Losses” Chart. I had too. Because I have lost my spouse, I feel there is a missing “sphere/circle” on this chart.

That is, SEXUAL BEREAVEMENT: “The loss of the mutual coping patterns that develop over a long period of time in a loving, enduring sexual relationship that cannot be fixed or replaced easily”, written by Dr. Alice Radosh, Neuro- psychologist from City University of New York.

Well said, Dr. Radosh. Well said. Until I inadvertently came across her online article I had not been aware of the actual terminology “Sexual Bereavement” but I most certainly have experienced it. I was emotionally and physically bonded to Loren for 37 years. Until one loses that powerful connection with a spouse I’m not sure a person can fully appreciate or understand the magnitude of loss…..

In addition, the British Dictionary describes BEREAVEMENT as: “the condition of being deprived of something or someone valued, especially through death.”

By now I’m sure there are varying reactions from you readers. Possibly, “This topic needs to remain private”. Some of your thoughts may include, “Find a man.” “It’s time you move on and get over him.” Or, “Thank you for being brave enough to talk about this component of widowhood”.

Believe me, my closest widow girlfriends and I periodically discuss the predicament. We deeply loved our husbands and still love our deceased husbands.

For us, there is no easy solution….for we are governed by powerful memories and the desired continuity of peace from a clear conscience!!!

After 3 years, I’m finally adjusting to the routine of living single, however, it is just now that I am starting to face the hardcore fact that there are facets of my world that may never again feel “right”. That realization feels dauntingly painful at times.

I’m just grateful I’ve learned to healthily cope with the adjustments.

“So, God, I’m thankful You’ve given me the grace to stay on course… and the gift of a good dose of common sense.”

TAKING ACTION, Patterns and MORE QUESTIONS

August 27, 2018Death, Doing it God's way, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, friendships, grief at 3 years, Holidays and Grief, LossJulia Wasson

Yesterday was my fourth-wedding-anniversary-without him here. But this year was different. By now I’d caught on to what this day could’ve potentially done to me, as far as setting me back weeks, even months.

I took action. I broke out of my past pattern of grief. I broke out of my routine. Since yesterday was Sunday, I purposefully did not go to church. Instead, I drove a distance to long-time-ago High School girlfriend and co-widow, Eileen. I took a lemon cake AND a chocolate cake for dessert. She fixed me a tasty lunch in her beautiful home. There was minimal crying and far more laughing with snippets of reflection.

To end the comforting special day, Eileen’s close confidant / girlfriend of 25 plus years drove up from Rogue River. I felt blessed to meet her and be included in this small-gathering-of-three for 6 hours.

While being so thankful for a relieving, pleasant day with precious people, I must be honest and give you a picture of this past week:

Four days before the anniversary I almost felt guilty that I wasn’t feeling upset about the upcoming day. I was sure this year would be different. I’d taken great strides in my grief journey. Life was predictable and far steadier on my new island.

Two days before the anniversary I felt deep searing pain in my chest, heart, and gut. The immobilizing pain did not leave me all day. I would’ve felt great relief if I only could have sobbed for hours and released the tension and anguish I felt captive to.

The day before Loren and my wedding anniversary I stayed home. I spent the day in my robe, reminiscing of he & I, only with mild sadness….all while feeling very thankful I had an active, silly 3 year old grandson to care for the following 20 hours.

I’ve come to the conclusion that “the BIG ONES” (ie Holidays and Special Days) will always play havoc with me physically and emotionally. When you cherished your loved one in life with every fiber of your being why should we not be surprised that same fervency would remain after they have left their physical bodies?

Is there some sort of sick, unrealistic expectation determined by the professionals that we should just get over our loved one’s passing in a specific time period and never again feel massive pain after “we have healed”?

The love doesn’t die, my friends. THE. LOVE. JUST. DOESN’T. DIE.

SUMMER FLINGS and the FINALLY I’m ABLE to’s

July 14, 2018Christian Widows, Death, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, identifying positive things, Loss, TV shows and grief healing, unexpected things in lifeJulia Wasson

I’m now in my 4^th summer, this being the best of the four without Loren. There’s less sadness. Less debilitating loneliness. Yet thankfully I have constant reminders of “he and I” and our life together as I’m outside working on projects that cannot be put off one more season.

But, this summer I’m having a summer fling. That is, with my TV. For the first time ever-in-my-life, I’m recording and watching a re-run series, for the most part, from start to finish. You could say I’ve felt compelled and curious to watch it. With new eyes. I’ve chosen to listen to my instincts even wondering if this could be an odd way of moving me forward. Again.

Maybe to put more light onto the situation. Again.

I’m pretty proud that I can even watch the show after the distress of Loren’s passing and my desperate attempt to revive him! After watching a good 60 hours of the show ER, there’s only been 1x where I had to fast forward because I instinctively knew that particular scene would throw me back in time.

I’m pretty pleased that I’M FINALLY ABLE TO:

Again watch CPR being performed on people. Successfully and unsuccessfully (unsuccessfully: when people can’t be revived).
Hear ambulances and observe EMT’s (without me feeling a triggered emotional and sickened physical response).
Watch the families as they are in turmoil as their loved one(s) demise is unknown.
Observe the efforts and concerns of the EMT’s, physicians and (sometimes) coroners.
Watch adults die (watching young children succumb creates a deep conflict in me).

Of course, I understand I am watching fiction!!! But in some ways there are close comparisons to what actually happened that morning….. however, fictional TV in NO way displays the lasting anguish and “forever adjustments”….

So, yes, other than working summer school and trying to catch up with multiple projects and enjoy time with a few girlfriends here and there, my life and “all of its excitement” revolves around a 2018 summer fling with my TV.

Is that pathetic or maybe very wise?

TOP 7 Things I LEARNED while MARRIED

June 28, 2018Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting Grief, Grief, grief at 3 years, identifying positive things, Longevity Marriages, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widows and MarriageJulia Wasson

I was married 37 years. Even though Loren & I knew that death would eventually separate us, we somehow assumed we’d be married a good 60 years before one of us went first. Or better yet we’d both pass at the same time (but that’s selfish to wish because we have children and grandchildren who’d feel a double loss). In addition, we came from families whose parents remained married for a minimum of 65 years until one passed.

We had strong examples.

I’m ashamed to say it took me years to “get it”. If Loren was here today he’d equally be honest and say it took him “that long” to learn important lessons!

THANKFULLY, we LEARNED and EXPERIENCED these 7 things in our marriage:

That your spouse wants to be adored. Not worshiped. There is a difference (every person knows their imperfections….they simply want their spouse to understand them and still deeply love them in their raw status).

That enduring love is far separate from the initial lust two individuals feel in their early days as a couple.

That longevity in a marriage can increase the strong chemistry / spark between the two (the fire only burns hotter).

That accountability to your spouse is not only a safety net but a blessing (being aware of the ins and outs of your spouse’s life is the ultimate gift of care).

That some “good marriages” take more effort to thrive (it all comes down to the two individuals).

That each spouse has their own “love language(s)”…and they are usually different (together, Loren and I discovered the book “THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES…the Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman).

That life is full of consequences. Either full of rewards or full of regrets.

Loren and I had finally learned to place undying effort into each other. We climbed that treacherous, most difficult mountain together….to blend…for two strong individuals to become a team….it took blood, sweat, and many tears. And we were fully aware we’d need to stay on course with that continuous climb.

Once we tasted the sweetness of deep love we both knew (and lovingly spoke of it) how we would never be willing to settle for anything less! Until our dying day!

“Our dying day” came sooner than later.

You could say THAT is my problem. I lived the difficulties with him. I then experienced the deep love between two imperfect people who believed in each other. Who decided “we” were worth the effort. I then lived the amazing reward. With him.

We found a deep lasting love. I can never settle for anything less.

GRANTING myself PERMISSION at this 3 – year anniversary

April 3, 2018Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, grief in the workplace, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, widowhoodJulia Wasson

I’ve never lived my life in complete chaos as far as spiritual upkeep and running a household goes. As a widow, keeping four spheres spinning to manage my home, my property, work at my job, and run my music studio, I’ve done well enough.

BUT, yesterday I had an epiphany!!

I had not given myself permission to add a higher level of order because the three – year anniversary had not yet arrived!

Two Thanksgivings before Loren’s unexpected passing, our family had sat around the table. Because months prior our brother-in-law Max had passed, Loren had said to the children and I, “Whenever I die, I want you to keep thus and thus and thus and thus for three years. If at that point you realize those items no longer hold sentimental value, go ahead and get rid of them.” Our adult son immediately freaked out when he heard those words. He said, “Dad, are you sick? Is there something you’re not telling me?” Loren had said, “No, son. I just very much regret that years back I got rid of an item that my dad had given me when I was a teenager and I now can never get it back.”

Needless-to-say, that casual Thanksgiving Day conversation has been playing in my mind since the day Loren suddenly passed. I have purposefully remembered his wishes and I most certainly have WANTED to honor his wishes!

But THIS spring…THIS summer…there is an innate need to grant myself more permission:

To use more logic than emotion.

To continue analyzing what works for ME (not just how it worked for WE).

To consider selling or gifting specific things.

To continue making the home as a place I now need it to be (ie. If I want a “foo-foo” bedspread in each bedroom it’s A-OK).

To re-organize his shop so I can find things when I need to find them (ie. his idea of where things should go was not the place I would’ve been inclined to put them).

I must admit I feel a sense of freedom to write this, while at the same time, this topic surfaces much deep pain. It has felt safe, and wonderful, and ever-so-happy (if that’s possible in grief) to keep things as they were…………….”He & I in our own little world….”

I now see, I have been tip toeing through my new normal. Gingerly making decisions. Second guessing some of my moves.

But it’s time:

To again, with heightened perspective, take the bull by the horns (whatever that means…).

To look at my three-years-out life in the face.

To be bold enough to ask new questions. See new angles. See new slants and bird’s-eye-views.

TO, maybe, TRUST GOD ENOUGH TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE HE’S IN CONTROL…..

“So, Lord, give me the bravery to follow through with fresh ideas and no longer have a layer of fear.”

P.S. I’ve just now re-read this blog. Taking the bull by the horns feels frightening. Believing God in a far greater capacity seems daunting. Raisin’ my hand. Prayer, please!

The PATRIARCHS IMPACT and EXCHANGES

March 19, 2018Death, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, widowhood, widows losing their fathersJulia Wasson

summer of 2015, Monday date night — summer of 2015, dad and I on a Monday night outing.

Three years this month the Patriarch of my children and grandchildren passed. This same month, 16 days ago, the Patriarch of my birth family passed. Please understand, the word “Patriarch” does not bother me. Both my husband and father did not lord the position of “eldest male” over us ~ wife, sisters, daughters, brothers, or sons.

Having witnessed their spirits leaving their earthly bodies, to me, it confirmed a spiritual act happened as the body ceased to function.

Undoubtedly, Loren’s sudden and unexpected passing brought a high level of shock and distress whereas my 88 year old father’s passing has not to the same degree.

Either which way, the two most influential men in my life have now left earth.

Both Patriarchs are physically gone.

Somehow, I greet this EXCHANGE with JOY:

Because I believe my father, my husband, and other loved ones are reunited and having fellowship with each other, as they often did together here on earth, I find a high level of comfort!

Because I believe my father and my husband now have full knowledge of the beautiful mysteries that the Holy Bible refers to, I smile (both men enjoyed challenges and learning)!

Because I believe we humans are confined to our limited understanding, to imagine the connection that surely must exist between the Heavens and the Earth gives me a sense of closeness to my loved ones gone on before me (even though we are far apart we somehow are so very close)!

Because I am confident my loved ones are more spiritually alive and fulfilled than ever before, I can only be happy for them!

I, at the same time, GREET THIS EXCHANGE with SORROW:

Because I know where physical loss occurs a tremendous void will exist.

Because I know there will be days my heart will desperately ache for them.

Because I have now lost my father, I have lost another powerful former times relationship with a man. (Loren, 37 years. My dad, 59 years).

Because I am a bit fearful (having finally crawled out of the deep pit of grief from my husband’s death) I am all too aware of that slippery slope of despair….

Because of my humanness , the finality of physical death feels as if it will last forever. In Heaven’s eyes, though, death’s finality is merely temporary.. LIFE HERE IS JUST A FLIT.

MOST SURPRISINGLY, today, I GREET THIS EXCHANGE with a level of EXPECTATION.

Through Loren’s passing I have discovered:

out of sheer fear has come bravery.
out of deep loneliness has come the inward consent to enjoy my single self.
out of great anxiety has come the decision(s) to not worry.
out of the sudden loss of Loren has come my determination to ask this ONE hard question as a perspective baseline: “IS THIS GIVEN SITUATION LIFE OR DEATH?” (simply put: there are some things that do not demand my immediate attention or concern).

I wonder what new things I might glean from now losing the TWO most influential , most- close- to- my- heart men in my life?

Love you forever, dad and Loren. Heaven can’t come soon enough. In the meantime, I press forward.

TRYING TO FIND Julia

January 26, 2018Death, Faith in God, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 2 years, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhoodJulia Wasson

blog quote On Wednesday I sat with my dear friend and mentor, Mary, and sobbed so hard I could barely breathe. All while my head throbbed. Exhausting! At 33 months I have hit another brick wall.

I’ve read the positive quotes and “like” them on Facebook because I know these quotes hold value for me as I pursue peace and happiness. I’ve read the grief quotes on Pinterest and “pin” them on my wall because they equally hold sentiment and value as I acknowledge the deep pain I’ve conquered and continue to face.

I’ve listened to Loren’s friends tell me I deserve to be happy, how Loren would want me to be happy. They are right in their eyes but only a part of me believes what they say…. yes, I know Loren would be trying to be happy if I had died, but I’m 100% sure he’d still have this deep longing for me and feel great loss….

But I’m simply not ready to embrace an alternative life, whatever that means.

I’m still fragmented. Not whole. Like wood fibers, Loren and I had grown IN to each other.

Grief continues to morph into new phases. I heal in one area but something new appears.

But, at least I know I am no longer “stuck”.

Yet, I’m having a difficult time discovering who the new single Julia is.

But I know for my ultimate well-being…to flourish and find my new “God- purpose” in life, choosing to believe God allowed his passing….I must discover who the new single Julia is.

It’s time to fight to grow.

Because the truth is, his death has forever changed me. What a powerless, even frightening, way to feel. But, I’m not a victim even though I periodically feel helpless.

I must fight. To grow.

“Ok, God. H – E – L – P !!!!”

4 Most DIFFICULT, the 4 GREATEST, and the 4 Most DANGEROUS Things and RESOLUTIONS

January 16, 2018Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Grief, grief in the workplace, healthy boundaries, Loss, Marriage, resolutions for the widow, widowhoodJulia Wasson

de894856c2782feed1039635b1aa23e6 RESOLUTIONS: I can’t even BEGIN to think of making a list of resolutions for 2018 yet I know it’s time I take another step towards continued healing. The following reflections are current candid evidence of my honest attempt towards creating future New Year Resolutions.

The 4 MOST DIFFICULT THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED are:

No longer having my husband to lie with.

No longer having someone who thinks I am the best thing that has ever happened to him.

Attempting to learn how to be exceedingly happy by myself…that is, without having your other half to amplify the joys.

Discovering how maintaining friendships with multiple friends takes close-to or equal-the-amount-of-time-and-effort it did to maintain a tight close-knit relationship with my spouse/lover……with those friendships not providing the deepest satisfaction that a person finds with their life mate.

The 4 GREATEST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED are:

Other than the maintenance and care on the home front and reporting to work, I can set the course of my other activities.

Other than the financial adjustment living without Loren’s income ALONG with the moral and Biblical guidelines I choose to live by, I can darn well do what I want to do…..(this is VERY unsettling for a gal who had never lived on her own before!)

There’s no one to “argue” ~ “discuss life” with, that is, unless I’m stupid enough to carry on mental discussions within myself over situations I can’t control…..

I have the liberty to dress however I want to dress, even though I know I’d look tons better if I’d pull myself out of the widow-funk and be more stylish and wear some make-up….

The 4 MOST DANGEROUS POSSIBILITIES WHILE BEING SINGLE are:

I could easily become self-centered…forgetting how I once stayed engaged and focused in an alive flourishing relationship.

I could easily become my co-worker’s nightmare if I don’t maintain other friendships away from the workplace…all because I’d be expecting my co-worker’s to become a “work spouse” when in reality my position at work only requires me to fulfill specific duties.

I could easily become self-absorbed, even feeling anxious or angered when recognizing other people still have their chosen private life, shared with the person they love.

At a weak moment I could easily make foolish decisions in the people I associate with ~ ALL because of loneliness and the desire for routine, consistent companionship.

I don’t believe I’ve “crossed in to the danger zone”…but I have faced a few shocking moments where I recognized I had the propensity, even the momentary POWER, to change in to another person…all because of the unwanted devastating loss of Loren.

But, to wander from the guidance and wisdom in the Bible does not seem desirable for a multitude of reasons…..

And I now wonder if people living in good marriages even BEGIN to understand the dilemma single people live with. I certainly hadn’t seen the entire picture. I surely wish I didn’t have to see this picture nor LIVE in this picture as I do now.

So, my ONE NEW 2018 New Years Resolution is to continue being candid and honest with myself. But while in my pursuit for greater peace and the desire to find where I fit, I so wish I didn’t have to live with the cyclic pain and sadness that this deep loss still brings.

TURNING CORNERS in the MAZE with “Ah Ha’s” and the APPROACHING Holidays

November 17, 2017attending funerals, Children, Death, friendships, Grandchildren, Grief, Holidays and Grief, Loss, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

Tomorrow I have another funeral to attend. This time for a friend, my pastor who could preach an awesome sermon in 20 minutes! She was a lady who graced my life. Once a week we messaged each other on Facebook before she went to her evening yoga class. I admired her strength, courage, and example as a single, godly woman. As the Fire District’s Chaplain, she was the first person to arrive at my house while the EMT’s were working on Loren. She also spoke at Loren’s memori ab6d033eabbc51311c50231d495cfead al service.

There’s never a perfect time for death but the Holiday season makes it worse. I’m grateful my daughters and granddaughters will be seated beside me at her service. Because of Pastor Connie’s early-in-life passing, that ol’ enemy has rose its ugly head again. The ol’ enemy of death and sorrow.

Seems like I keep making my way back to the maze. Around, inside the maze of grief.

At 31 months I recognize I’ve turned one more corner in the maze. At this moment I’m thinking it’s not a friendly corner:

There never comes a solace or a fulfilling end when I am feeling deep loss and alone-ness. While married to Loren I could always count on a hug or a time of connection and intimacy ~ even if after a time of tension and disagreement. There always came a time for glorious touch and affirmation from the human being you shared your life with.

Not so in grief. There are times of relief, yet rarely that deep sense of peace and satisfaction feeling that the world is awesome. Feeling like I’m on top of the world.

I don’t find myself avoiding other’s fresh pain in their time of loss…however MY current challenge is to NOT LET MYSELF go into the deep valley alongside them. For I’m intently and purposefully climbing out of that familiar valley of the shadow of death and I cannot let myself return to the deepest crevice where I once stayed for a long time.

I’m learning it’s a difficult dance to care and grieve.

I also know I need to care for myself. I DID on Tuesday. After a late afternoon Dr appointment I didn’t rush back to attend Grief Share because I found myself at a new low spot with the Holidays here and Pastor Connie’s passing. You’d think being at Grief Share might’ve brought comfort. But I knew it wouldn’t. Being around other deep sadness might’ve been too much…tipping the balance scale.

So I went to Subway. On that cool, dark evening, I sat in a booth by myself and ate a roasted chicken sandwich. I watched people. I savored in the thankfulness that I had a warm house full of memories waiting for my arrival.

And, I then periodically sobbed torrential tears during my 45 minute drive from Salem to my haven.

When at home I snuggled in a blanket wearing Loren’s robe, seated in Loren’s lazy boy chair in our bedroom, watching our favorite shows we enjoyed watching together.

I survived that day but certainly didn’t thrive. And tomorrow appeared and I started over again, believing that day would be better. All while serving and trusting God.