Category Archives: grief at 3 years

DREAMS and the RELATIONSHIP with the DEAD SPOUSE

Christian Widows, Doing it God's way, Dreams of Your Dead Spouse, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, loving your deceased spouse

 

 

I like this quote. I’m not sure if my experiences exactly match this thought.

At 3 years and 6 months out, I feel hesitant to speak about my dreams and beliefs in an open forum.  Even though I have FINALLY adjusted to singleness, there is a beautiful struggle with the art of loving your spouse who has gone on before you. 

In a nutshell, I could say I still have a relationship with Loren, howbeit changed because he is physically absent.

 

I’ve frequently DREAMED OF HIM and have had SIX special dreams of Loren in heaven.  In these six vivid, detailed, colorful dreams I have seen: 

  • He, his father, and brother-in-law Max building houses. I’ve seen blueprints and the framework of the houses.  All three were doing physical labor and actively working together with no physical constraints.  In the two dreams I knew they were “preparing”.

 

  • Within 6 months of his passing I dreamed of Loren walking away, me seeing his backside only, with him holding two children, each one (maybe 2-4 years old) held high on each shoulder. I could not see the children’s faces or features. In the dream I was initially puzzled.  In the dream I suddenly realized he was carrying our two grandchildren who never grew enough in their mother’s wombs to be born full term! (After this dream, the intense deadening, desperate grief lessened in me…. I had grieved deeply how he, the avid grandfather, was missing out on the activities and growth of Olivia and Adeline…he also missing out on grandson Lincoln’s birth).

 

  • Loren standing amongst a massive throng of worshipers, looking upward, as a worship service was occurring. Many angels were at the front of the huge area, as if on a platform, surrounding Jesus, who was standing.  The audience was worshiping and eagerly awaiting to hear Jesus speak. (Here on earth, Loren often expressed how he enjoyed worshiping by watching others worship).

 

  • Loren standing amongst a massive throng of worshipers with his hands lifted straight up towards the sky, elbows not bent, all ten fingers spread wide open, as if he was screaming out his adoration to God in the deepest way he could. (There was no watching others.  He was intent.  Even wonderfully “lost”).
  • Loren standing in a meadow, the grass and flowers were chest height…. it was as if though he had been slowly meandering for a long time. He seemed to have this depth of calmness and serenity that I had never seen while living with him here on earth. I could see and feel he was deeply communing with God, as if he was listening to the details that the Spirit was telling him. (Loren staying still was atypical here on earth. Also the scene in the dream seemed to last for 10 minutes…).

I believe Loren is not dead.  OF COURSE, I know his physical body died.  Stopped.

 But LOREN is alive and well in a place called Heaven with Jesus and the throngs of others gone on before.  In fact, I believe he is more alive there than he ever was here on earth!   What a comfort.  What a joy!

I dare to say there are others of you who have had dreams and experiences after your loved ones have passed….

P.S.  I’ve also had dreams of him coming to me….but, those dreams are too special for me to share via an open forum.  And, yes, I’ve thought I have felt his presence in a room or in the car…especially during the first two years after his passing.  One of my daughters has had two dreams of him watching her and knowing things.  And yes, I’ve talked with my Dr about some of this…  my neurologist told me EVEN HIS MOTHER has experienced these types of things since his father passed away!

TAKING ACTION, Patterns and MORE QUESTIONS

Death, Doing it God's way, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, friendships, grief at 3 years, Holidays and Grief, Loss
Loren & I.    40 years ago.

Yesterday was my fourth-wedding-anniversary-without him here.  But this year was different.  By now I’d caught on to what this day could’ve potentially done to me, as far as setting me back weeks, even months.

I took action.  I broke out of my past pattern of grief.  I broke out of my routine.  Since yesterday was Sunday, I purposefully did not go to church.  Instead, I drove a distance to long-time-ago High School girlfriend and co-widow, Eileen.  I took a lemon cake AND a chocolate cake for dessert.  She fixed me a tasty lunch in her beautiful home.   There was minimal crying and far more laughing with snippets of reflection.

To end the comforting special day, Eileen’s close confidant / girlfriend of 25 plus years drove up from Rogue River.  I felt blessed to meet her and be included in this small-gathering-of-three for 6 hours.

While being so thankful for a relieving, pleasant day with precious people, I must be honest and give you a picture of this past week:

  • Four days before the anniversary I almost felt guilty that I wasn’t feeling upset about the upcoming day.  I was sure this year would be different.  I’d taken great strides in my grief journey.  Life was predictable and far steadier on my new island.

 

  • Two days before the anniversary I felt deep searing pain in my chest, heart, and gut. The immobilizing pain did not leave me all day.  I would’ve felt great relief if I only could have sobbed for hours and released the tension and anguish I felt captive to.

 

  • The day before Loren and my wedding anniversary I stayed home.  I spent the day in my robe, reminiscing of he & I, only with mild sadness….all while feeling very thankful I had an active, silly 3 year old grandson to care for the following 20 hours.

I’ve come to the conclusion that “the BIG ONES” (ie Holidays and Special Days) will always play havoc with me physically and emotionally.  When you cherished your loved one in life with every fiber of your being why should we not be surprised that same fervency would remain after they have left their physical bodies?

Is there some sort of sick, unrealistic expectation determined by the professionals that we should just get over our loved one’s passing in a specific time period and never again feel massive pain after “we have healed”?

The love doesn’t die, my friends.  THE.  LOVE.  JUST.   DOESN’T.   DIE.

SUMMER FLINGS and the FINALLY I’m ABLE to’s

Christian Widows, Death, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, identifying positive things, Loss, TV shows and grief healing, unexpected things in life

I’m now in my 4th summer, this being the best of the four without Loren.  There’s less sadness.  Less debilitating loneliness.  Yet thankfully I have constant reminders of “he and I” and our life together as I’m outside working on projects that cannot be put off one more season.

But, this summer I’m having a summer fling.  That is, with my TV.  For the first time ever-in-my-life, I’m recording and watching a re-run series, for the most part, from start to finish.  You could say I’ve felt compelled and curious to watch it.  With new eyes.  I’ve chosen to listen to my instincts even wondering if this could be an odd way of moving me forward.        Again.

Maybe to put more light onto the situation. Again.

 

I’m pretty proud that I can even watch the show after the distress of Loren’s passing and my desperate attempt to revive him!  After watching a good 60 hours of the show ER, there’s only been 1x where I had to fast forward because I instinctively knew that particular scene would throw me back in time.

 

I’m pretty pleased that I’M FINALLY ABLE TO:

  • Again watch CPR being performed on people. Successfully and unsuccessfully (unsuccessfully: when people can’t be revived).
  • Hear ambulances and observe EMT’s (without me feeling a triggered emotional and sickened physical response).
  • Watch the families as they are in turmoil as their loved one(s) demise is unknown.
  • Observe the efforts and concerns of the EMT’s, physicians and (sometimes) coroners.
  • Watch adults die (watching young children succumb creates a deep conflict in me).

Of course, I understand I am watching fiction!!!   But in some ways there are close comparisons to what actually happened that morning…..  however,  fictional TV  in NO way displays the lasting anguish and “forever adjustments”….

So, yes, other than working summer school and trying to catch up with multiple projects and enjoy time with a few girlfriends here and there, my life and “all of its excitement” revolves around a 2018 summer fling with my TV.

Is that pathetic or maybe very wise?

 

 

 

TOP 7 Things I LEARNED while MARRIED

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting Grief, Grief, grief at 3 years, identifying positive things, Longevity Marriages, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widows and Marriage

I was married 37 years.  Even though Loren & I knew that death would eventually separate us, we somehow assumed we’d be married a good 60 years before one of us went first.   Or better yet we’d both pass at the same time (but that’s selfish to wish because we have children and grandchildren who’d feel a double loss).  In addition, we came from families whose parents remained married for a minimum of 65 years until one passed.

  We had strong examples.

I’m ashamed to say it took me years to “get it”.   If Loren was here today he’d equally be honest and say it took him “that long” to learn important lessons!

 

THANKFULLY, we LEARNED and EXPERIENCED these 7 things in  our marriage:

 

  • That your spouse wants to be adored. Not worshiped.  There is a difference (every person knows their imperfections….they simply want their spouse to understand them and still deeply love them in their raw status).

 

  • That enduring love is far separate from the initial lust two individuals feel in their early days as a couple.

 

  • That longevity in a marriage can increase the strong chemistry / spark between the two (the fire only burns hotter).

 

  • That accountability to your spouse is not only a safety net but a blessing (being aware of the ins and outs of your spouse’s life is the ultimate gift of care).

 

  • That some “good marriages” take more effort to thrive (it all comes down to the two individuals).

 

  • That each spouse has their own “love language(s)”…and they are usually different (together, Loren and I discovered the book “THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES…the Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman).

 

  • That life is full of consequences. Either full of rewards or full of regrets.

 

Loren and I had finally learned to place undying effort into each other.  We climbed that treacherous, most difficult mountain together….to blend…for two strong individuals to become a team….it took blood, sweat, and many tears.  And we were fully aware we’d need to stay on course with that continuous climb.

Once we tasted the sweetness of deep love we both knew (and lovingly spoke of it) how we would never be willing to settle for anything less!  Until our dying day!

“Our dying day” came sooner than later.

You could say THAT is my problem. I lived the difficulties with him.  I then experienced the deep love between two imperfect people who believed in each other.  Who decided “we” were worth the effort.  I then lived the amazing reward.  With him.

We found a deep lasting love.  I can never settle for anything less.

 

CHOOSING my life SCENARIOS and upcoming WEDDINGS

Children, Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, decision making, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, healthy boundaries, resolutions for the widow, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Marriage

 

 My naïve inexperienced heart-full-of-grief had no understanding of the depth and breadth of changes that might come my way.  That is, the two voicemails, the one letter, and the one email.  From four men.  Two I knew.  Two not.  ALL WITHIN THE FIRST FIVE DAYS of his passing ~ before his Memorial service!  Quite frankly, I was blind-sided, even offended, how these people could be so brazen!  In my heart, I was not a candidate for contact with them or their private messages. They surely didn’t understand Loren and my marital love and commitment.  Nor did they understand the nature of grief!

Simply put, I was not available!  But since Loren has passed, two of our daughters became available.  Brianne married in 2016.  Brenna will be marrying soon.

Watching their newly found love(s) has prompted increased happy reflections of Loren and I while also creating  conflict  ~ amplifying the loneliness. All while I continue the process of learning to be happy. By myself.

 

After much contemplation,  I’ve concluded there are varying scenarios I could live by:

 

The “EASY WAY OUT” scenarios:

  • Date and quickly marry another person (yes, it would certainly relieve the financial adjustments that most widows face but I’m not a big risk-taker. Nor a gambler…nor am I interested in taking on another family…I already have 4 kids and 6 grand kids.  I have a hard enough time spreading my time amongst them)!

 

  • Find male friends for random dinner dates (but I’ve been advised this simply won’t work, long term, especially with my choice to not be sexually active outside of marriage.  And, YES, my girlfriends are awesome but it’s just not the same).

 

  • Shut myself off from the world and become reclusive. Read multiple chick – books to live vicariously through the characters.  Watch multiple movies throughout the week to avoid my life as it is.

 

The “WAY  I’ve  CHOSEN  to  LIVE  it  OUT ” scenario:

  • Keep working to improve myself.  Keep forging ahead even when it hurts.

 

  • Keep serving God with intention by living a principled life,  purposing to be an example of  “WHAT TO DO”  vs being a casualty of  “WHAT NOT TO DO”.

 

  • Keep living my widowhood motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”. ( I learned long ago that I am happiest living with a clean conscience).

 

  • Have LOTS of fun with the right people in the right settings!!!

 

So, if my motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”,  remains my yardstick and compass I determine I will be a wise woman!

  • A woman with no regrets.  With nothing to hide.

 

  • A woman who won’t settle.  Period.

 

  • A woman who can hold her head high with her spirit remaining deeply humbled before her Almighty God, because she alone knows how deep the loneliness struggle can be.

 

“God give me the grace and power to live widowhood honorably and pleasing to You. Amen.”

 

 

 

GRANTING myself PERMISSION at this 3 – year anniversary

Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, grief in the workplace, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, widowhood

I’ve never lived my life in complete chaos as far as spiritual upkeep and running a household goes. As a widow, keeping four spheres spinning to manage my home, my property, work at my job, and run my music studio, I’ve done well enough.

BUT, yesterday I had an epiphany!!

I had not given myself permission to add a higher level of order because the three – year anniversary had not yet arrived!

Two Thanksgivings before Loren’s unexpected passing, our family had sat around the table.  Because months prior our brother-in-law Max had passed, Loren had said to the children and I, “Whenever I die, I want you to keep thus and thus and thus and thus for three years.  If at that point you realize those items no longer hold sentimental value, go ahead and get rid of them.”  Our adult son immediately freaked out when he heard those words.  He said, “Dad, are you sick? Is there something you’re not telling me?” Loren had said, “No, son.  I just very much regret that years back I got rid of an item that my dad had given me when I was a teenager and I now can never get it back.”

Needless-to-say, that casual Thanksgiving Day conversation has been playing in my mind since the day Loren suddenly passed.  I have purposefully remembered his wishes and I most certainly have WANTED to honor his wishes!

But THIS spring…THIS summer…there is an innate need to grant myself more permission:

  • To use more logic than emotion.

 

  • To continue analyzing what works for ME (not just how it worked for WE).

 

  • To consider selling or gifting specific things.

 

  • To continue making the home as a place I now need it to be (ie. If I want a “foo-foo” bedspread in each bedroom it’s A-OK).

 

  • To re-organize his shop so I can find things when I need to find them (ie. his idea of where things should go was not the place I would’ve been inclined to put them).

 

I must admit I feel a sense of freedom to write this, while at the same time,  this topic surfaces much deep pain. It has felt safe, and wonderful, and ever-so-happy (if that’s possible in grief) to keep things as they were…………….”He & I in our own little world….”

I now see, I have been tip toeing through my new normal.  Gingerly making decisions. Second guessing some of my moves. 

But it’s time:

  • To again, with heightened perspective,  take the bull by the horns (whatever that means…).

 

  • To look at my three-years-out life in the face.

 

  • To be bold enough to ask new questions.  See new angles.  See new slants and bird’s-eye-views.

 

  • TO, maybe, TRUST GOD ENOUGH TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE  HE’S IN CONTROL…..

“So, Lord, give me the bravery to follow through with fresh ideas and no longer have a layer of fear.”

P.S.  I’ve just now re-read this blog.  Taking the bull by the horns feels frightening.  Believing God in a far greater capacity seems daunting.  Raisin’ my hand.  Prayer, please!