In my brother Dennis Gingerich’s latest blog https://www.dennisgingerich.com/one-sure-thing-you-can-count-on/?fbclid=IwAR1pazGIGnzslyWLwkdZo0GJIpOGzJ0jZCFxBltpEzPOBHYLDCvTPkhRJZk he discusses the topic of CHANGE. It’s fascinating that I had already been reminiscing of the slow gradual changes I’ve made since Loren passed.
Frankly, in the first 2 years I wanted to freeze time. It was comforting that Loren’s scent remained on his robe and a few not-yet-washed shirts. I hadn’t yet parted with his clothes or shoes. Other than reorganizing the closet and his drawers in the bathroom, everything remained precisely the same.
After spending two winters heating the entire house’s water-in-the-floor-radiant heat with an outdoor Wood-fired Furnace (using approximately 6 cords of wood per winter), I knew I’d need to make a change. The labor was too intensive and walking 30 feet from the house before midnight, no longer having a mate to share the duties, was too much. By this time I had also decided I would stay at the ranch. For the sake of taking care of myself physically, I switched to a Propane Heat source using the same radiant heat system.
Before the 3rd Christmas without Loren I had removed all of his WinCo, casual, dress, and work shirts from the closet. I pursued a project that would be meaningful. I had 5 queen size quilts and 6 smaller quilts made for each of my 4 children, myself and the 6 grandchildren. Out of Loren’s wool sweaters I also had beautiful pillows made, even using his logging suspenders on the pillows. Many tears were shed while opening their gifts. I imagine those quilts will be the most tender Christmas gifts my family will ever have received from me, in my lifetime.
At the 4 year mark I knew I had to take care of my investment, meaning it was time to re-stain and re-paint the buildings at the ranch. Instead of Loren lifting me 10-20 feet up in the air while he carefully sat on the large forklift holding me in place (while I stood on a pallet and painted/stained the highest parts of the buildings), I knew my limitations and hired a skilled man to hand stain the 3 buildings. Just because I was a widow did not excuse me from being a good steward of what God had allowed Loren and I to build.
I must admit there is a level of trepidation in me. I have watched enough HOARDER TV shows… observing how people who have lost someone dear are the ones who re-visit their deep pain as they watch things leaving a building.
The comfort I cling to, after deciding what will stay, my kids will have first chance to take what they want…..and what they don’t want will either be passed on to specific best friends of Loren’s or be hauled off to recycling that day….now, the next thing to part with will be Loren’s tired commuter car that I’ve been driving….but, I’M. NOT. QUITE. READY. YET.