Category Archives: friendships

WIDOWS and Their ADULT CHILDREN. Chapter 2.

Children, Christian Widows, Daughter MIssing Father at Wedding, Daughters Losing their Fathers, Death, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, friendships, Grandchildren, Grief, Holidays and Grief, Honoring Your Deceased Spouse, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, Widows and their Adult Children

My husband was in his mid-50’s when his 2nd parent graduated to Heaven.  She was 92, Loren’s father passed years earlier at the age of 83.  I’ll never forget the looming silence that lingered around Loren that entire first month as he faced the now-loss of both parents. He hadn’t been as shaken when his father passed….not so when his last parent passed.

“I somehow feel as if I am an orphan”, he had solemnly stated. I then wondered if his 4 siblings felt that way too?

Even though I often feel a great portion of my growth-thru-grief has been a sole effort on my part, I equally acknowledge the monumental role that my children have played towards my continuous learning to spread my wings…to gain some height in the struggling soar.

Today I feel a variety of emotions as I contemplate the approach of the 6th Year Anniversary of Loren’s passing:

  • Pride……how I’ve became as independent as I am
  • Melancholy…..that for my own well-being I needed to proceed forward without him
  • Thankful…..that I’ve managed to remain at the place Loren and I pioneered
  • Extremely grateful…..that the relationships with each of my children have deepened
  • Pursuant…..in deeper understanding of God’s loving care for the widow and the fatherless
  • Relieved……about having faithful friends and family who have stood by my side

It’s my observation and opinion that my adult children have had to equally purpose to spread their wings… to gain height in their struggling soars. Not only were they gaining momentum in their individual  lives, THEY additionally HAD TO and STILL HAVE TO KEEP ON:

  • Balancing their personal lives…now along with a single mom who emotionally and physically needs them more than before
  • Choosing to not worry about their mom
  • Developing additional skills of communication with their siblings (when they need another one to step up to share the load)
  • Facing their own fresh grief(s) of getting married without a father to be a part of their wedding
  • Facing their own fresh grief(s) of having their father not be a part of their pregnancy, childbirth, welcoming their baby into their family
  • Comforting their children who miss their grandpa, who are having to learn to experience on-going Holidays and life without him
  • Explaining death and Heaven to young children who never met their grandpa
  • With their life partner, experiencing the challenge of learning to be understood…all because they have lived through something life-shattering….
  • Having the acute awareness that their whole world can change at the drop of a hat
  • Seeing not everyone is “blessed” to be able to say their lengthy goodbyes and experience gradual-grieving before a parent passes
  • Enjoying happy times with the whole family….experiencing laughter after the deep sorrow

…….to be continued……..

TAKING ACTION, Patterns and MORE QUESTIONS

Death, Doing it God's way, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, friendships, grief at 3 years, Holidays and Grief, Loss

Loren & I.    40 years ago.

Yesterday was my fourth-wedding-anniversary-without him here.  But this year was different.  By now I’d caught on to what this day could’ve potentially done to me, as far as setting me back weeks, even months.

I took action.  I broke out of my past pattern of grief.  I broke out of my routine.  Since yesterday was Sunday, I purposefully did not go to church.  Instead, I drove a distance to long-time-ago High School girlfriend and co-widow, Eileen.  I took a lemon cake AND a chocolate cake for dessert.  She fixed me a tasty lunch in her beautiful home.   There was minimal crying and far more laughing with snippets of reflection.

To end the comforting special day, Eileen’s close confidant / girlfriend of 25 plus years drove up from Rogue River.  I felt blessed to meet her and be included in this small-gathering-of-three for 6 hours.

While being so thankful for a relieving, pleasant day with precious people, I must be honest and give you a picture of this past week:

  • Four days before the anniversary I almost felt guilty that I wasn’t feeling upset about the upcoming day.  I was sure this year would be different.  I’d taken great strides in my grief journey.  Life was predictable and far steadier on my new island.

 

  • Two days before the anniversary I felt deep searing pain in my chest, heart, and gut. The immobilizing pain did not leave me all day.  I would’ve felt great relief if I only could have sobbed for hours and released the tension and anguish I felt captive to.

 

  • The day before Loren and my wedding anniversary I stayed home.  I spent the day in my robe, reminiscing of he & I, only with mild sadness….all while feeling very thankful I had an active, silly 3 year old grandson to care for the following 20 hours.

I’ve come to the conclusion that “the BIG ONES” (ie Holidays and Special Days) will always play havoc with me physically and emotionally.  When you cherished your loved one in life with every fiber of your being why should we not be surprised that same fervency would remain after they have left their physical bodies?

Is there some sort of sick, unrealistic expectation determined by the professionals that we should just get over our loved one’s passing in a specific time period and never again feel massive pain after “we have healed”?

The love doesn’t die, my friends.  THE.  LOVE.  JUST.   DOESN’T.   DIE.

TURNING CORNERS in the MAZE with “Ah Ha’s” and the APPROACHING Holidays

attending funerals, Children, Death, friendships, Grandchildren, Grief, Holidays and Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous

Tomorrow I have another funeral to attend.  This time for a friend, my pastor who could preach an awesome sermon in 20 minutes!  She was a lady who graced my life. Once a  week we messaged each other on Facebook before she went to her evening yoga class. I admired her strength, courage, and example as a single, godly woman. As the Fire District’s Chaplain, she was the first person to arrive at my house while the EMT’s were working on Loren.  She also spoke at Loren’s memoriab6d033eabbc51311c50231d495cfeadal service.

There’s never a perfect time for death but the Holiday season makes it worse. I’m grateful my daughters and granddaughters will be seated beside me at her service.  Because of Pastor Connie’s early-in-life passing, that ol’ enemy has rose its ugly head again.  The ol’ enemy of death and sorrow.

Seems like I keep making my way back to the maze.  Around, inside the maze of grief.

At 31 months I recognize I’ve turned one more corner in the maze.  At this moment I’m thinking it’s not a friendly corner: 

  • There never comes a solace or a fulfilling end when I am feeling deep loss and alone-ness. While married to Loren I could always count on a hug or a time of connection and intimacy ~ even if after a time of tension and disagreement. There always came a time for glorious touch and affirmation from the human being you shared your life with.
  • Not so in grief. There are times of relief, yet rarely that deep sense of peace and satisfaction feeling that the world is awesome.  Feeling like I’m on top of the world.
  • I don’t find myself avoiding other’s fresh pain in their time of loss…however MY current challenge is to NOT LET MYSELF go into the deep valley alongside them. For I’m intently and purposefully climbing out of that familiar valley of the shadow of death and I cannot let myself return to the deepest crevice where I once stayed for a long time.
  • I’m learning it’s a difficult dance to care and grieve.

 I also know I need to care for myself.  I DID on Tuesday.  After a late afternoon Dr appointment I didn’t rush back to attend Grief Share because I found myself at a new low spot with the Holidays here and Pastor Connie’s passing.  You’d think being at Grief Share might’ve brought comfort.  But I knew it wouldn’t. Being around other deep sadness might’ve been too much…tipping the balance scale.

So I went to Subway.  On that cool, dark evening, I sat in a booth by myself and ate a roasted chicken sandwich.  I watched people.  I savored in the thankfulness that I had a warm house full of memories waiting for my arrival.

And, I then periodically sobbed torrential tears during my 45 minute drive from Salem to my haven.

When at home I snuggled in a blanket wearing  Loren’s robe, seated in Loren’s lazy boy chair in our bedroom, watching our favorite shows we enjoyed watching together.

I survived that day but certainly didn’t thrive.  And tomorrow appeared and I started over again, believing that day would be better.  All while serving and trusting God.

THE GIFT OF WORK while BEING a SINGLE woman

decision making, friendships, Grief, grief in the workplace, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, widowhood

Multitudes of people seem to think  the proverbial “Monday – Friday Work Week” is a prison… the unhappiest days of their week. You know, that part of their week that hinders them from doing what they’d REALLY like to be doing.  To a degree that certainly was true when Loren was still here, especially our final 6 years together as empty  – nesters. 2012 Christmas at my parents

Those final years I could hardly wait for the comforting nights we’d spend together in our own private retreat along with the exhilaration of planning our upcoming dreams and ventures. I’m now a single person without having that special person to go explore the world with or enjoy holing up with for the weekend.

I hate to admit my consistent thrill is returning  to my job every Monday morning!

But, more than before, I have realized my job is a gift.  WORK IS A GIFT!  My additional business of 29 years, Julia Wasson Music Studios, continues to be a gift.

  • I am around a variety of adults. We converse as we pass in the hallways.  We share life.  In that setting.
  • I don’t have time to reflect that I am alone. Time to feel that extreme void. I have specific goals that I must attain each day, all which bring accomplishment.
  • I am daily around 500 children.  I love children’s open hearts and expressions of joy and glee.  Their periodic delighted outbursts are as an ointment soothing my cracked, partially healed wounds.
  • I have a place to go with a specific time of starting and ending.  At my job I have that increment of time to focus my attention elsewhere……other than my home and property, which bears great comfort yet that blaring silence that daily announces Loren’s physical presence is absent.
  • I need the routine because I lost my 37 year life – routine with Loren.  I shudder to think how difficult it may be when it comes my time to retire, as a single person.  But, for now I dare not contemplate those years yet….growing old alone sounds like a sorrowful existence.  I’ll cross that bridge when I get there….

Speaking of work….simply stated, I’m VERY BLESSED to have worked in a supportive environment for 19 years…a place that has given me allowance and space to grieve and grow thru grief.

She said, “JULIA, YOU CAN DO THIS!” and TRUSTING myself AGAIN

Death, decision making, friendships, Grief, grief at 2 years, Miscellaneous, unexpected things in life

FB_IMG_148349094377430 months ago Vonda Ropp attended my husband’s Memorial Service.  I’d seen her just two times since our High School years together at Western Mennonite.  I was shocked to see her since she had traveled from Washington.

After the service Vonda stood in the long line waiting to speak to me. As I recall, she put each of her hands on my shoulders, looked me directly in the eyes and with conviction said, “Julia, you – can – do – this!  Julia, you – can – do – this!”

 At that moment those words bore little weight.  I was enclosed in grief and family was surrounding me with extensive support.  But those days of continuous support have ended.  Understandably so.

I had never forgotten her words ~ somehow setting them up on a shelf, knowing I might desperately need them some day. Evidently that time has arrived!  Vonda’s words are re-visiting me… ringing in my ears….. “Julia, you CAN DO this!” Very important words since the stress of grief has messed with my ability to function in full capacity:  physically, emotionally, and cognitively.

Now, if Loren was here he’d be saying, “Julia, you think too much sometimes.”  That’s easy for HIM to say since he doesn’t have a care in this world where he’s at!  In fact, while Loren’s in Heaven he’s missing out on some of the BIGGEST ACTION that’s happened at the ranch since 2003! 

  • The house’s 14 year old hydronic heating system manifold is suddenly not working properly.
  • The outside wood-fired furnace (which heats the water for the hydronic heating system) most likely has a water leak in the tank.
  • The all-cement-storage room in the basement has mild water damage because the ground surrounding the back exterior of the house became overladen with water because of the heavy rains….along with the fill dirt suddenly settling….all  last winter.
  • Not to mention, four months after Loren passed, my well went dry!! After an extensive, orderly process towards diagnosis and after a lengthy wait in time I am hooked up to community water.  With a neighbor’s advice and much research, I thankfully found a knowledgeable man to oversee that mammoth project.

Needing to address these varied situations without having my other half here to bounce ideas off of,  has re-surfaced “traits” in me.  Loren would’ve identified them as “Julia’s suspicious traits” because he found it easier to trust and give multiple people opportunity.  Not so much me.  I’d counted on my logic along with instincts. Cautiously and selectively choosing people whether it be friendships or doing business for hire.

WHAT DOES ALL OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH growing thru grief? To me….right now….EVERYTHING! 

As a widow I’m all the more BELIEVING THERE  may  BE 3 TYPES OF PEOPLE OUT THERE: 

(1) Good people who will treat you as if there was a knowledgeable  man included in the equation.

(2) Not -so- great people who will take advantage of the single woman because they find out you’re not well –  versed on specific issues.

(3) Good people who have patience and are willing to invest some effort in teaching me necessary skills…those things I didn’t take enough time to pay attention to when Loren was here with me on the ranch.

Without Loren it falls on me to assess:

  • Who are the competent business people?  And where’s the balance….do I accept free help hoping a person can “get to the bottom of the problem”…or…go ahead and bite the bullet and hire that experienced person?
  • Are these people honest in their financial dealings?…with fair, honest prices without purposefully taking advantage of a single person?
  • Would any of these people or their employees be scoping my place for ill intent? (this is a BIG concern for me as a widow).

“So, God, with every seeming large financial decision I make, in every endeavor I approach, lead me and guide me.  Help me learn to trust my inner voice since I am beginning to feel  I can trust my instincts  again.  Help me to carefully make wise decisions in an organized way that will bring healthy, lasting  results that bring no regret.  Amen.”

P.S. I’m very grateful to Ken Eisele, Rod Propes, Don Kellum, and Gary Widrig for putting up with me while I learn my new skills!

P.S.  And, Oh!  in a surprising way I’m finding I love the thrill of orchestrating the repairs and projects!

My THREE newest DISCOVERIES and CIRCLES

Death, Family, friendships, Grief, identifying positive things, Loss, Miscellaneous, unexpected things in life

cropped-Julia-56-years-old.-February-2014.jpgIt took my husband’s passing away to open new discoveries in my life.  I now see I was willingly locked, by love and commitment, in to sharing and living my life with him.  At 27 ½ months out, I’m still walking through “the valley”  but I now can pick the wild flowers and lay down in the lush grass along my journey.

While driving to Salem this past Friday morning I had an unexpected “ah ha” moment. You know, those periodic moments where the mind and heart, together, reveal a new truth.

With a rush of dark sadness and a few minutes of hot, torrential tears I realized the following……

“IT TOOK MY HUSBAND’S PASSING FOR ME TO DISCOVER…………………..”

  To discover:

  • New friends! Because I’ve attended Grief Share since 4 months out, I’ve made forever friendships with 10 specific ladies.  We get together monthly for a meal.  We attend each other’s children’s special occasions. All of us are walking “the road”. Some having entered the journey earlier than me.  But all of us forging ahead.
  • New adventures! I’ve just now returned from a fabulous weekend away at a beach house with these same girlfriends.  We successfully crossed the threshold of remaining close friends after spending 48 plus hours together!  (In the past I would’ve NEVER gone away for a weekend with 10 girlfriends….undoubtedly, Loren would’ve been MY first choice, in a motel room with lots of fun and romance at the beach).
  • New freedoms! I like not having “to share” day in and day out. That sounds selfish, but it’s the truth.   (Oh, how I miss that life with him!  But I’m alone.  And it’s healthy for me to embrace being alone.)

“It took my husband’s passing away to discover…….”

Today my heart is full of deep sadness knowing it took Loren’s passing for new, good people to come my way.  Today my heart is full of happiness and contentment for I know these ladies who would run to my side if I needed them.

Oh, and btw, TWO of those TEN “Grief Share girlfriends” were my friends when I was young!

Donna:  5 years younger than me, grew up on an adjoining farm, went to the same church,  ~ a close friend of my sister, Janelle, and her mother was also a friend of my mom!

Eileen:  a girl I met at Bible camp in Middle School.  In High School my sister, Jean, and I attended the same private High School together with Eileen.  We three were very close friends and have silly, silly life stories under our belts!

 We lived our own separate lives within a 50 mile radius.

That is, until death, grief, and loss reconnected me with them…all ending up together at Grief Share meetings in Dallas, Oregon.  WHO WOULD’VE KNOWN !

Circles.  Re-connection.  As the song from THE LION KING movie says,  “It’s the circle, the circle of life!”  The circle of friendship.  Re-born from loss and death.