Category Archives: Fighting to grow

FRIENDS of the WIDOW. The HARD QUESTIONS. CHAPTER 1.

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widows and Friendships

My married friends (couples Loren and I were friends with) have impacted my life since Loren’s passing. The majority have been with me through thick and thin.  It’s true, periodically  I feel like I am the odd man out.  It’s possible I’ll always feel that.

Last Saturday one of Loren’s best friends  teared up when he randomly mentioned, “Now TWO of my best friends have up and died on me.”  It touched my heart deeply to see how Dan still misses Loren.

I gratefully recognize I have not found a level of betrayal some widows feel  they experience, that is, where “couple friends”, and sometimes the deceased spouse’s own family,  no longer associate with the living spouse who is left behind after a death.

BUT IN ALL HONESTY, I DID initially notice a layer of hesitancy..withdrawal..especially from two of the wives.   I believe it was because I GRIEVED SO HARD for the first three years.  In retrospect I WONDER:

1.     DID THE FRIENDS FEEL HELPLESS?

  • Did they feel uncomfortable when I suddenly broke down and sobbed?
  • Did I seem like a stranger?
  • Were the dynamics of the relationship suddenly changed?
  • Did they understand I didn’t know what would help me? Were they frustrated because they couldn’t fix it?
  • Did they sense I was uncomfortable in all social settings? (however, I DID love visiting with a husband/wife when they came to visit me in my home).

2. DID THE FRIENDS BECOME FEARFUL OF LOSING THEIR OWN SPOUSE?

  • Did being around me force them to acknowledge what they may go through?
  • Did it force them to look at the other part of their marriage vows, “Til death do us part”?
  • Did my heavy grief cause them to feel overwhelmed?

3.   WERE “BIG UNCOMFORTABLE” QUESTIONS SURFACING BECAUSE A MARRIED PEER  PASSED BEFORE THEY WERE “OLD”? 

(Some of the questions might be):

  • Should I be the one to die first, would my spouse, children, and grandchildren stop missing me and no longer talk about me?
  • Would they deeply mourn my death?
  • Would they get rid of my things and make “me disappear” to hopefully ease their pain?
  • Would my spouse remarry and how soon?
  • Would my parents, brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews tell stories about me and not be afraid to mention my name at family gatherings? Even years later?
  • Would people do something meaningful on a given day of each year to remember me and honor me, how I had lived and dwelt with them?

I DO know I’ve been blessed to have positive reinforcement from my tribe!  I’ve been told:

  • “I’ve been comforted seeing how deeply you have continued to love Loren”.
  • “I’m pleased you haven’t tried to find someone else to fill the dark void”.
  • “Loren would be so proud how you’ve handled things”.
  • “Loren would be so proud of the good decisions you’ve made in business matters”.
  • “Even though we miss him we haven’t lost you”.
  • “You know, he still loves you.”

☹ …choke…sob….NOW the tears are surprisingly flowing….gkg..uhmmmmm….. but, I surely must say, “God, THANK YOU 😊 for my faithful friends who have not been afraid to remain in my life”.

 

WE don’t GRIEVE as Others DO and WE don’t DATE as Others DO

Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, Doing it God's way, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, healthy boundaries, Peace should be enough

On January 16th this unexpected, unanticipated emphatic phrase RESOUNDED in me…

“WE DON’T GRIEVE AS OTHERS DO AND WE DON’T DATE AS OTHERS DO”.

The context of the resounding statement came mere hours after telling Mary about an acquaintance of Loren & I… about my heart surprisingly battling with the rationale of this man after he contacted me (again), telling me that I “NEED TO HAVE FUN”….this time, he inviting me to meet him for dinner.  Me, of course, feeling flattered that he is contacting me.  Me IMMEDIATELY recalling how (a few years before Loren passed) Loren had hesitated and said, “I…don’t…know…I’m… not sure… about that” (after I had commented to Loren how this same work associate of his was SUCH a nice man).

Those words that came from Loren’s mouth that day have been re-playing through my mind!   Even though his response to my comment happened six years ago, I am 100% sure I am  to listen and take heed.

See, I’ve been recalling how Loren had insight in areas where I did not…whereas I  had insight in areas HE did not!  O, I miss this gift.  The gift of balance. The gift of a lengthy seasoned marriage where time does its magic…blending and mixing…where the two know each other better than any other live person on earth.

TWO INCIDENCES OF LOREN’S PERCEPTIONS COME TO MIND: 

  • When a lady I was mentoring was slowly wearing me down because I hadn’t kept solid boundaries in time management and/or bringing her struggles into my daily life. He was right.  I had not been diligent.  And it was affecting me… greatly.
  • When a person, who was not supporting my leadership, had a hidden agenda. He was right.  Not suspicious.  He saw clearly through the smoke.

It’s in THESE types of possible future scenarios where I fear I’ll be a “fish out of water”.

Back to dating and the poor decisions people can make….. let’s just put it this way……      “it never ceases to amaze me some of the ridiculous, desperate actions that I’ve personally witnessed other grieving people do”.

By close observation, their stories prove to have consequences most people wouldn’t wish for.  It appears their distress is now greater than mine because of the varied complications heaped upon the great loss that was first there!

And the “WE DON’T GRIEVE AS OTHER’S DO?” Undeniably, I have grieved hard.  I lost my  man whom I counted on growing old with.  And just because I believe in Heaven and have a sincere relationship with God doesn’t mean I would bypass the distress.   I have an acute awareness of  sorrow that rests beneath the surface…….and will most likely until the day I die.

I guess the one way I haven’t “grieved as others do” is by

  •  being very selective with who my close friends are
  • I “guard my heart” (spiritually, mentally, and emotionally)
  • I  protect myself (spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically)
  • all- the- while understanding that  uncontrolled grief can cause people to do careless things they would’ve never dreamed they’d do!

And, the best thing of all?    In the far, far distance I know how my love story will end!!

P.S.  O, the guy?  I declined the invitation.  Again.  (because, it’s simple… I can read the monumental sign on his forehead that says, “I. CREATE. DRAMA”).

20 Reasons to Never Re-Marry, ETC

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, Humor in widowhood, identifying positive things, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Miscellaneous

 

Even though the person who created this quote made a typo, I love this!

Many might say I have a sick sense of humor.  The truth is, Loren and I shared the same sense of humor.    Should I have passed first you can bet Loren would’ve came up with the 20 reasons about me.  Ha.  Fact.

At 3 years and 7 months out, I’m learning to look at life through new lenses.

Ah, the things I did for love and the things I did begrudgingly, as his help meet.

 

 

THUS, MY 20 REASONS WHY TO NEVER RE-MARRY!

1)   Never again must I need to wipe small splats of urine off the toilet rim.

2)  Never again must I need to bake chocolate chip cookies weekly.

3)  Never again must I need to be sure his Winco work shirts are perfectly clean.

4)  Never again must I need to perfectly match his socks.

5)  Never again must I make an emergency trip to the pharmacy to pick up his RX (that he was supposed to pick up the day before).

6)  Never again must I pick up toenail clippings that accidently missed the garbage can.

7)  Never again must I pick up a wadded piece of paper that didn’t hit the target.

8)  Never again must I sweep sawdust falling from the blue jeans and suspenders he had been wearing when outside cutting firewood.

9) Never again must I help a man who had side line businesses that include the wife helping him 5 – 10 hours each weekend.

10)  Never again must I tell him to get off Facebook during a “too-long” sermon at church.

11)  Never again must I ask him to stop playing his solitaire game when I wanted good conversation (while I was driving the Challenger on a Friday date night).

12)  Never again must I need to ask him what he’s thinking if he’s unusually quiet.

13)  Never again must I massage his back and shoulders until my arms and hands ache.

14)  Never again ………… wait a minute.  STOP!  I QUIT!

The truth is this fun little blog has suddenly become very sad.  Hot tears are now flowing.  I’d give anything to have our life back.

Want some wise advice?

  • Hang on tight to your loved one tonight.
  • Kiss him hard (no light pecks here and there).
  • Hug him tightly (none of those light pats on the back).
  • With your spouse, make love fervently.
  • Get caught up in the moment like it’s your last time (no half-hearted stuff here).

And, please don’t think I was his slave OR married to a lazy man.  On the contrary!  He worked 60 – 70 hours a week for Winco and then busted his tail for pleasure along with the projects we enjoyed.  As he slowed down towards his upcoming retirement, Loren did multiple little things for me.  We were having the time of our lives, lovin’ and playing hard those final 7 years.  No regrets!

P.S.      Yes, it’s true that I’m learning how to enjoy life in the present but I’d readily re-marry Loren again.

To Wear Or NOT To Wear OR Keep

Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Fighting to grow, Getting rid of loved ones things, Grief, grief at 3 years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Wearing Wedding Rings

After driving a long day off the Dayton Bar along the Willamette River,  as I jumped down from my brand new 1979 White Western Star dump truck, my double banded diamond wedding ring became caught near the exterior mirror twisting both the gold wedding and engagement bands, so much that the bands had to be cut off my 4th finger.

After tearing the skin and bruising the now-swollen-finger, from that day forward if Loren and I worked outside around equipment we never wore our wedding bands.  I hated not wearing my wedding rings but I knew it was a necessity because of people who had lost their fingers in accidents around equipment.

Because Loren never wore his wedding ring while delivering groceries for Winco, it was a running joke when he’d put his wedding ring back on, saying, “Well, I guess I’m married today”.  Or better yet, when we were leaving to go on a date we’d jokingly say, “Should we wear our rings tonight and be married?”

Well, as of six months ago, I randomly started not wearing my wedding ring.   Uhmmmm.  Decisions. …..To wear or NOT to wear? 

I had decided to test the waters and see if my grief lessened when not wearing the symbolic circle of commitment and trust.

Other than the initial feelings of emptiness, other than noticing some people (STILL!!) look at my hand and notice that I am (or NOT) wearing my wedding ring, I can attest that neither wearing or removing my wedding ring lessens or increases the loss.  Wearing or not wearing my wedding ring does not change my love for Loren.

I might add, HIS “THINGS” ARE VALUABLE to me.  Last Christmas his shirts were made into quilts for our four children and six grandchildren and became loving personalized gifts.  I’m continually trying to think of ways I can use “his things” as functional memories.

I FINALLY UNDERSTAND HIM!  He was a  “sentimental fool”.  For example,  in the shop sits a few logging paraphernalia his deceased father once used.   When cleaning out the shop a year before he passed, Loren had told Jasmine and I, “I can’t get rid of this.  I JUST CAN’T GET RID OF THIS!”

And that pretty much sums up how I feel about so many of his “things”.  Other than gifting a few things to Loren’s two best friends, Marv and Dan, I carefully-with-much-caution decide if I should get rid of “it”.  I also wonder if some day in the future Loren’s things may become more valuable in sentiment to our children..?…

For me, I have discovered things are not replaceable when memories are attached!!

The rings?  Priceless.

These rings will always hold cherished symbolism.  Whether they sit on the counter or are proudly carried on my finger I can’t imagine ever losing the proud, loving sense of connection.

With his and my rings there is no “til death do us part”.  Death may have forced me to physically part from Loren.  But death can’t steal memories and death can’t stop things from being valued.

SECONDARY LOSSES and Sexual Bereavement

Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, Marriage, Miscellaneous, resolutions for the widow, Sexual Bereavement, widowhood, Widows and aloneness

We’ve all seen this “Secondary Losses” Chart.  I had too.   Because I have lost my spouse, I feel there is a missing “sphere/circle” on this chart.

That is,  SEXUAL BEREAVEMENT: “The loss of the mutual coping patterns that develop over a long period of time in a loving, enduring sexual relationship that cannot be fixed or replaced easily”,   written by Dr. Alice Radosh,  Neuro- psychologist from City University of New York.

Well said, Dr. Radosh.  Well said.  Until I inadvertently came across her online article I had not been aware of the actual terminology “Sexual Bereavement” but I most certainly have experienced it.  I was emotionally and physically bonded to Loren for  37 years.  Until one loses that powerful connection with a spouse I’m not sure a person can fully appreciate or understand the magnitude of loss…..

In addition, the British Dictionary describes BEREAVEMENT as: “the condition of being deprived of something or someone valued, especially through death.”

By now I’m sure there are varying reactions from you readers. Possibly, “This topic needs to remain private”.  Some of your thoughts may include, “Find a man.”  “It’s time you move on and get over him.”  Or, “Thank you for being brave enough to talk about this component of widowhood”.

Believe me, my closest widow girlfriends and I periodically discuss the predicament.  We deeply loved our husbands and still love our deceased husbands.

For us, there is no easy solution….for we are governed by powerful memories and the desired continuity of peace from a clear conscience!!!

After 3 years, I’m finally adjusting to the routine of living single, however, it is just now that I am starting to face the hardcore fact  that there are facets of my world that may never again feel “right”.  That realization feels dauntingly painful at times.

I’m just grateful I’ve learned to healthily cope with the adjustments.

“So, God, I’m thankful You’ve given me the grace to stay on course… and the gift of a good dose of common sense.”

TAKING ACTION, Patterns and MORE QUESTIONS

Death, Doing it God's way, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, friendships, grief at 3 years, Holidays and Grief, Loss
Loren & I.    40 years ago.

Yesterday was my fourth-wedding-anniversary-without him here.  But this year was different.  By now I’d caught on to what this day could’ve potentially done to me, as far as setting me back weeks, even months.

I took action.  I broke out of my past pattern of grief.  I broke out of my routine.  Since yesterday was Sunday, I purposefully did not go to church.  Instead, I drove a distance to long-time-ago High School girlfriend and co-widow, Eileen.  I took a lemon cake AND a chocolate cake for dessert.  She fixed me a tasty lunch in her beautiful home.   There was minimal crying and far more laughing with snippets of reflection.

To end the comforting special day, Eileen’s close confidant / girlfriend of 25 plus years drove up from Rogue River.  I felt blessed to meet her and be included in this small-gathering-of-three for 6 hours.

While being so thankful for a relieving, pleasant day with precious people, I must be honest and give you a picture of this past week:

  • Four days before the anniversary I almost felt guilty that I wasn’t feeling upset about the upcoming day.  I was sure this year would be different.  I’d taken great strides in my grief journey.  Life was predictable and far steadier on my new island.

 

  • Two days before the anniversary I felt deep searing pain in my chest, heart, and gut. The immobilizing pain did not leave me all day.  I would’ve felt great relief if I only could have sobbed for hours and released the tension and anguish I felt captive to.

 

  • The day before Loren and my wedding anniversary I stayed home.  I spent the day in my robe, reminiscing of he & I, only with mild sadness….all while feeling very thankful I had an active, silly 3 year old grandson to care for the following 20 hours.

I’ve come to the conclusion that “the BIG ONES” (ie Holidays and Special Days) will always play havoc with me physically and emotionally.  When you cherished your loved one in life with every fiber of your being why should we not be surprised that same fervency would remain after they have left their physical bodies?

Is there some sort of sick, unrealistic expectation determined by the professionals that we should just get over our loved one’s passing in a specific time period and never again feel massive pain after “we have healed”?

The love doesn’t die, my friends.  THE.  LOVE.  JUST.   DOESN’T.   DIE.

SUMMER FLINGS and the FINALLY I’m ABLE to’s

Christian Widows, Death, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, identifying positive things, Loss, TV shows and grief healing, unexpected things in life

I’m now in my 4th summer, this being the best of the four without Loren.  There’s less sadness.  Less debilitating loneliness.  Yet thankfully I have constant reminders of “he and I” and our life together as I’m outside working on projects that cannot be put off one more season.

But, this summer I’m having a summer fling.  That is, with my TV.  For the first time ever-in-my-life, I’m recording and watching a re-run series, for the most part, from start to finish.  You could say I’ve felt compelled and curious to watch it.  With new eyes.  I’ve chosen to listen to my instincts even wondering if this could be an odd way of moving me forward.        Again.

Maybe to put more light onto the situation. Again.

 

I’m pretty proud that I can even watch the show after the distress of Loren’s passing and my desperate attempt to revive him!  After watching a good 60 hours of the show ER, there’s only been 1x where I had to fast forward because I instinctively knew that particular scene would throw me back in time.

 

I’m pretty pleased that I’M FINALLY ABLE TO:

  • Again watch CPR being performed on people. Successfully and unsuccessfully (unsuccessfully: when people can’t be revived).
  • Hear ambulances and observe EMT’s (without me feeling a triggered emotional and sickened physical response).
  • Watch the families as they are in turmoil as their loved one(s) demise is unknown.
  • Observe the efforts and concerns of the EMT’s, physicians and (sometimes) coroners.
  • Watch adults die (watching young children succumb creates a deep conflict in me).

Of course, I understand I am watching fiction!!!   But in some ways there are close comparisons to what actually happened that morning…..  however,  fictional TV  in NO way displays the lasting anguish and “forever adjustments”….

So, yes, other than working summer school and trying to catch up with multiple projects and enjoy time with a few girlfriends here and there, my life and “all of its excitement” revolves around a 2018 summer fling with my TV.

Is that pathetic or maybe very wise?

 

 

 

GRANTING myself PERMISSION at this 3 – year anniversary

Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, grief in the workplace, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, widowhood

I’ve never lived my life in complete chaos as far as spiritual upkeep and running a household goes. As a widow, keeping four spheres spinning to manage my home, my property, work at my job, and run my music studio, I’ve done well enough.

BUT, yesterday I had an epiphany!!

I had not given myself permission to add a higher level of order because the three – year anniversary had not yet arrived!

Two Thanksgivings before Loren’s unexpected passing, our family had sat around the table.  Because months prior our brother-in-law Max had passed, Loren had said to the children and I, “Whenever I die, I want you to keep thus and thus and thus and thus for three years.  If at that point you realize those items no longer hold sentimental value, go ahead and get rid of them.”  Our adult son immediately freaked out when he heard those words.  He said, “Dad, are you sick? Is there something you’re not telling me?” Loren had said, “No, son.  I just very much regret that years back I got rid of an item that my dad had given me when I was a teenager and I now can never get it back.”

Needless-to-say, that casual Thanksgiving Day conversation has been playing in my mind since the day Loren suddenly passed.  I have purposefully remembered his wishes and I most certainly have WANTED to honor his wishes!

But THIS spring…THIS summer…there is an innate need to grant myself more permission:

  • To use more logic than emotion.

 

  • To continue analyzing what works for ME (not just how it worked for WE).

 

  • To consider selling or gifting specific things.

 

  • To continue making the home as a place I now need it to be (ie. If I want a “foo-foo” bedspread in each bedroom it’s A-OK).

 

  • To re-organize his shop so I can find things when I need to find them (ie. his idea of where things should go was not the place I would’ve been inclined to put them).

 

I must admit I feel a sense of freedom to write this, while at the same time,  this topic surfaces much deep pain. It has felt safe, and wonderful, and ever-so-happy (if that’s possible in grief) to keep things as they were…………….”He & I in our own little world….”

I now see, I have been tip toeing through my new normal.  Gingerly making decisions. Second guessing some of my moves. 

But it’s time:

  • To again, with heightened perspective,  take the bull by the horns (whatever that means…).

 

  • To look at my three-years-out life in the face.

 

  • To be bold enough to ask new questions.  See new angles.  See new slants and bird’s-eye-views.

 

  • TO, maybe, TRUST GOD ENOUGH TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE  HE’S IN CONTROL…..

“So, Lord, give me the bravery to follow through with fresh ideas and no longer have a layer of fear.”

P.S.  I’ve just now re-read this blog.  Taking the bull by the horns feels frightening.  Believing God in a far greater capacity seems daunting.  Raisin’ my hand.  Prayer, please! 

The PATRIARCHS IMPACT and EXCHANGES

Death, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, widowhood, widows losing their fathers
summer of 2015, Monday date night
summer of 2015,  dad and I on a Monday night outing.

Three years this month the Patriarch of my children and grandchildren passed.  This same month, 16 days ago, the Patriarch of my birth family passed.  Please understand, the word “Patriarch” does not bother me.  Both my husband and father did not lord the position of “eldest male” over us ~ wife, sisters, daughters, brothers, or sons.

Having witnessed their spirits leaving their earthly bodies, to me, it  confirmed a spiritual act happened as the body ceased to function.

Undoubtedly, Loren’s sudden and unexpected passing brought a high level of shock and distress whereas my 88 year old father’s  passing has not to the same degree.

Either which way, the two most influential men in my life have now left earth.

Both Patriarchs are physically gone.

Somehow, I greet this EXCHANGE with JOY:

  • Because I believe my father, my husband, and other loved ones are reunited and having fellowship with each other, as they often did together here on earth, I find a high level of comfort!
  • Because I believe my father and my husband now have full knowledge of the beautiful mysteries that the Holy Bible refers to, I smile (both men enjoyed challenges and learning)!
  • Because I believe we humans are confined to our limited understanding, to imagine the connection that surely must exist between the Heavens and the Earth gives me a sense of closeness to my loved ones gone on before me (even though we are far apart we somehow are so very close)!
  • Because I am confident my loved ones are more spiritually alive and fulfilled than ever before,  I can only be happy for them!

  I, at the same time, GREET THIS EXCHANGE with  SORROW:

  • Because I know where physical loss occurs a tremendous void will exist.
  • Because I know there will be days my heart will desperately ache for them.
  • Because I have now lost my father, I have lost  another powerful former times relationship with a man.  (Loren, 37 years.  My dad, 59 years).
  • Because I am a bit fearful (having finally crawled out of the deep pit of grief from my husband’s death) I am all too aware of that slippery slope of despair….
  • Because of my humanness , the finality of physical death feels as if it will last  forever.  In Heaven’s eyes,  though, death’s finality is merely temporary..  LIFE HERE IS JUST A FLIT.

MOST SURPRISINGLY,  today,  I GREET THIS EXCHANGE with a level of EXPECTATION. 

Through Loren’s passing I have discovered: 

  • out of sheer fear has come bravery.
  • out of deep loneliness has come the inward consent to enjoy my single self.
  • out of great anxiety has come the decision(s) to not worry.
  • out of the sudden loss of Loren has come my determination to ask this ONE hard question as a perspective baseline: “IS THIS GIVEN SITUATION LIFE OR DEATH?” (simply put: there are some things that do not demand my immediate attention or concern).

I wonder what new things I might glean from now losing the TWO most influential , most- close- to- my- heart men in my life? 


Love you forever, dad and Loren.  Heaven can’t come soon enough.  In the meantime, I press forward.

TRYING TO FIND Julia

Death, Faith in God, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 2 years, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood

blog quoteOn Wednesday I sat with my dear friend and mentor, Mary, and sobbed so hard I could barely breathe.  All while my head throbbed. Exhausting!  At 33 months I have hit another brick wall.

I’ve read the positive quotes and “like” them on Facebook because I know these quotes hold value for me as I pursue peace and happiness.  I’ve read the grief quotes on Pinterest and “pin” them on my wall because they equally hold sentiment and value  as I acknowledge the deep pain I’ve conquered and continue to face.

I’ve listened to Loren’s friends tell me  I deserve to be happy, how Loren would want me to be happy.  They are right in their eyes but only a part of me believes what they say…. yes, I know Loren would be trying to be happy if I had died, but I’m 100% sure he’d still have this deep longing for me and feel great loss….

But I’m simply not ready to embrace  an alternative life, whatever that means.

  • I’m still fragmented. Not whole. Like wood fibers, Loren and I had grown IN to each other.
  • Grief continues to morph into new phases. I heal in one area but something new appears.
  • But, at least I know I am no longer “stuck”.
  • Yet, I’m having a difficult time discovering who the new single Julia is.
  • But I know for my ultimate well-being…to flourish and find my new “God- purpose” in life, choosing to believe God allowed his passing….I must discover who the new single Julia is.

It’s time to fight to grow.

Because the truth is, his death has forever changed me.  What a powerless, even frightening,  way to feel.  But, I’m not a victim even though I periodically feel helpless.

 I must fight.  To grow.

“Ok, God.  H – E – L – P !!!!”