Category Archives: Fighting to grow

WIDOWS and Their ADULT CHILDREN. Chapter 2.

Children, Christian Widows, Daughter MIssing Father at Wedding, Daughters Losing their Fathers, Death, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, friendships, Grandchildren, Grief, Holidays and Grief, Honoring Your Deceased Spouse, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, Widows and their Adult Children

My husband was in his mid-50’s when his 2nd parent graduated to Heaven.  She was 92, Loren’s father passed years earlier at the age of 83.  I’ll never forget the looming silence that lingered around Loren that entire first month as he faced the now-loss of both parents. He hadn’t been as shaken when his father passed….not so when his last parent passed.

“I somehow feel as if I am an orphan”, he had solemnly stated. I then wondered if his 4 siblings felt that way too?

Even though I often feel a great portion of my growth-thru-grief has been a sole effort on my part, I equally acknowledge the monumental role that my children have played towards my continuous learning to spread my wings…to gain some height in the struggling soar.

Today I feel a variety of emotions as I contemplate the approach of the 6th Year Anniversary of Loren’s passing:

  • Pride……how I’ve became as independent as I am
  • Melancholy…..that for my own well-being I needed to proceed forward without him
  • Thankful…..that I’ve managed to remain at the place Loren and I pioneered
  • Extremely grateful…..that the relationships with each of my children have deepened
  • Pursuant…..in deeper understanding of God’s loving care for the widow and the fatherless
  • Relieved……about having faithful friends and family who have stood by my side

It’s my observation and opinion that my adult children have had to equally purpose to spread their wings… to gain height in their struggling soars. Not only were they gaining momentum in their individual  lives, THEY additionally HAD TO and STILL HAVE TO KEEP ON:

  • Balancing their personal lives…now along with a single mom who emotionally and physically needs them more than before
  • Choosing to not worry about their mom
  • Developing additional skills of communication with their siblings (when they need another one to step up to share the load)
  • Facing their own fresh grief(s) of getting married without a father to be a part of their wedding
  • Facing their own fresh grief(s) of having their father not be a part of their pregnancy, childbirth, welcoming their baby into their family
  • Comforting their children who miss their grandpa, who are having to learn to experience on-going Holidays and life without him
  • Explaining death and Heaven to young children who never met their grandpa
  • With their life partner, experiencing the challenge of learning to be understood…all because they have lived through something life-shattering….
  • Having the acute awareness that their whole world can change at the drop of a hat
  • Seeing not everyone is “blessed” to be able to say their lengthy goodbyes and experience gradual-grieving before a parent passes
  • Enjoying happy times with the whole family….experiencing laughter after the deep sorrow

…….to be continued……..

PRESSING the RELEASE BUTTON and OUR Plans

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I pressed a release button.  It had not been an easy decision to be making by myself. 

I listed a piece of Residential/Commercial property that Loren and I had purchased on Main Street in  beautiful “Timbertown USA” 26 years ago. In the Commercial Storefront, we owned and operated every-guys-dream-business the first 9 years.  After he tired of the walk-in-retail-component, I then moved Julia Wasson Music Studios into that space for 17 years (where I continued teaching voice/piano lessons ~ having just now completed 32 years of private lessons).  Loren and I had also lived in the home the first 7 years while we built our dream at the ranch.  

“If life had remained as Loren and I had dreamed and expected” this property would have been placed on the market the summer of 2015.  Because Loren was going to retire in one year, he wanted me to close the music studio and have more time to play at the end of my workday.  In addition, OUR PLANS were to use a portion of the proceeds of the sale towards building another building at the ranch and  restoring a hot rod that Loren was bent on racing at the drag strip.   

To go back further yet in time, BEFORE WE DECIDED WE WERE GOING TO PURSUE SELLING THE PLACE on Main Street in 2015, we were going to chase our newest diversions by taking out a loan since we had much equity at the ranch.  Approximately 6 months before he unexpectedly passed, we had gone to our locally-owned Bank and filled out an application.  The Loan Officer saw no reason why this wouldn’t be an easy transaction, with our good credit and long-time standing with this Bank. We waited and waited. Lo and behold, 10 days later the Loan Officer/Head Manager of the Bank called… explaining she was shocked how the requested loan was not approved, yet alone with a satisfactory reasonable answer as to why! 

As Loren and I quietly drove to a restaurant later that evening, discussing what our next step might be, I specifically recall saying, “THIS MAKES NO SENSE.…but….God must know something that WE don’t know…. Something must be going to happen that we are unaware of….” 

….Those words that I had then spoken have replayed in my mind multiple and multiples of times since his passing…. 

To get back to the story, SHOULD WE HAVE been approved of that loan, SHOULD WE HAVE built that other building, SHOULD WE HAVE restored that hotrod….. I would NOT have been able to stay at the ranch on my income! 

I am convinced: God sometimes steps in to spare us….sometimes from ourselves….to protect us….to help arrange our ducks for our unknown-to-us-future.   

P.S.  Since my awesome renters, of the home, are moving to another area in Oregon and I no longer want to deal with the pressures of new renters and the ongoing upkeep of another building, I am selling the place. As far as the private teaching goes, I’ll keep giving a few piano/voice lessons.  Just at a different location.

2020 DREAMS and REALITY TRUMPS

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, identifying positive things, Peace should be enough
This image was captured the day after Loren’s Celebration of Life.

In November 2019 I listened to Andy Stanley, an articulate Inspirational Speaker and Pastor. Experientially and logically, I already “understood” what he was sharing but just hadn’t heard someone articulate the words…those already-rumbling-tumbling-inside-of-me-words.  His words resonated in me, deeply.

His exact quotes and question were:  “Some of our dreams simply can’t come true.”  “Life rarely goes as planned.”  “Reality always trumps.”  “What do we do when our dreams CAN’T come true because of people’s choices or circumstances?”  Naturally, at the end of his exhortation, Mr. Stanley then directed us towards trusting in God, our Maker, the One who gives us a Hope for our future.

Way before Loren passed away, turning towards God had been the pattern in my life.  Throughout the years there had been multitudes of disappointments, even a few heartbreaks….sprinkled with many happy moments….many love-filled times…and times that were neither happy or sad….all days of living out life…serving God….raising a family. 

The truth is, eventually we are ALL going to have a job or relationship loss, a heart break, AND a death of a key person in our life. I can guarantee that when it happens, you will not be on your top game for a while (sometimes a long while).…you will be gasping for air periodically….your footing and equilibrium may be lost….you may even wonder who YOU are, no longer recognizing the person you once were….

….and when you can’t “kick and pray yourself out of the upheaval” or “seem to adequately move through a specific situation” you will need to do a higher level of soul and God searching than ever before.

DURING “My-dream-can’t-come-true-because-Loren-passed-away” SORROW,  I have done the following:

  • Carefully look at the situation in its entirety and ask myself if there is more that I need to understand so I can grow and adjust.
  • Along with praying and asking for God’s guidance, formulate an inner plan of what I can do to help myself gain footing.
  • Hold fast to what I believe to be healthy and correct and not listen to random advice from people I don’t trust enough to guide me.

MY most RECENT “Life-Rarely-Goes-As-Planned” ACCEPTANCE has caused me to:

  • Persevere and accept my new normal, even when the sad times crop up periodically.
  • Diligently identify the current positive experiences.
  • Daily voice gratefulness to God.
  • Practice believing that God is in control of my private Universe and not just the World.

On January 1, 2020 my heart is full of gratitude because I have swam through the deep waters.  I have passed through the narrowest dark avenues of the Valley of the Shadow of Death.  I believe I will continue to find more peace, more calm and more restoration after the harsh struggle of deep grief. Thank you, dear friends and family, for standing with me on this journey.

BECoMiNG FREE from GRiefS CHRONIC FEAR

Christian Widows, decision making, Doing New Things, Fears and the Widow, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, grief at 2 years, grief at 3 years, grief at 4 years, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets

 

About a week ago I suddenly realized I no longer live under the chronic fear that has accompanied my experience with grief.  In a far earlier Juliawasson.com blog I had touched on this topic, then quoting C.S. Lewis, “GRIEF FEELS LIKE FEAR”.  His experiential statement had initially surprised me yet I could identify with his declaration….it was evident that fear certainly was sandwiched between the multi-layers of upheaval in my life.

As I reflect, I can now categorize key fears and their movement in yearly increments:

1st YEAR: 

Fear of living without my love, my spouse of 37 years

Fear of making big sole decisions (business and personal)

Fear to trust myself (not having my partner, someone to talk things out with)

Fear of the dramatic exhaustion, extreme brain fog and overall malady

2nd YEAR:

Fear that I may be forced to change my life

                Fear because of acute recognition of losing 70% of income

               Fear because sorrow had bombarded me in heightened force (the shock had worn off,  also finding that the 2nd’s were equally as hard as the 1st’s)

Fear,  while wondering if my body could hold up to the physical rigors brought on by mourning

                Still, not trusting myself in sole decision making but slowly feeling better

3rd YEAR:

Choosing to continue living at the same place, clearly understanding the cost of doing so

Still experiencing great emotional loss from losing my best friend but starting to trust myself

Having enough widow-under-my-belt-experience to know “I can do this”

Fewer fears

4th YEAR: 

Starting to enjoy the challenges of sole business decision-making

               NEW  fear of wondering if available finances can carry me another 20 plus years

                A sense of freedom and tranquility more-often-than-not

Energy level returning

                A heightened emotional and physical awareness when any “first level apprehension” surfaces (me never wanting to return to the paralysis that intense grief brought)

               Purposing to re-train my emotional and physical responses BEFORE  fear sets in

 

I believe I will always grieve the loss of losing Loren but I’ve decided I can no longer live with THE FEAR that CAME with the GRIEF.  

Please go to the attached link and listen to my anthem,  a song by Lauren Daigle,  “PEACE  BE  STILL”.

 https://youtu.be/dUpKZz0Nm7c

 

The WiDoW with AduLt CHildRen, Glue and ComplicAted GriEF. Chapter 2

Children, Christian Widows, Daughters Losing their Fathers, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, Loss, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets, Widows and their Adult Children

I now see, it took my husbands passing to explore deepened relationships with my four adult children.  Even though I am immensely grateful for our intensified affection and frequent times together, bittersweet sorrow  comes with this…..the fact is,  the following is another transparent facet of my “Growing Thru Grief” story.

Within hours of his passing,  as he still lay in the bedroom, inwardly I was crying out to God saying, “God, I hope you know what You are doing…how will (this child) and (another child) handle his death?  WHAT WILL THIS DO IN / TO THEIR LIVES?”  At that same moment I equally felt confident that two of the four would manage things “OK” in the crisis of losing their dad.

With my-now-full-hindsight of that life altering day, not only was I overwhelmed with shock and grief, a looming shadowy fear had also risen its ugly head alongside the pain.  Losing Loren left me in one MORE situation of the possibility of having to hold the world together, this time by myself.  In addition, I simply couldn’t bear the thought of experiencing a greater crisis of ANY kind at ANY level.

Today, at four years out, I reminisce how grief effects the whole extended family.   From the surviving spouse, down to the adult children and on down to the grandchildren… death hurts.  Loren’s death still impacts my siblings and their spouses, my nieces and nephews, my parents. Loren’s death still impacts his siblings and spouses and his nieces and nephews.

My children and I now seem to be glued together.   Sometimes I wonder if we appear to be anti-social to the other people at the parties or family gatherings.  At a BarBQ yesterday, we all sat close to each other around a table, our chairs sitting far closer to each other than they would’ve been before his passing (although… the daughters would have been nestled up close to their dad with his arm around the back of their chairs and his hands resting on their shoulders).

No, we are not anti-social. We, together, are capable of  visiting with others who are not part of our immediate family but our attentions are quickly drawn back to each other.  We, together, are quick to ask if the other is doing ok.  We, together, are quicker to  compassionately respond if someone seems to be having a hard time.  Laughter bubbles easier.  In fact, our sense of humor has remained intact….I wonder, if  because we had tapped into the vein of deep pain, together,  have all of our senses now become heightened?

My children and I have, just recently, started talking about grief……wondering if we aren’t the examples of “complicated grief”.  OUR story is,  our family didn’t live a perfect rosy life.  We, with him also, survived many brutal bumps along the way.

As we now share amongst ourselves, we are discovering  that after a loved ones death  the brutal bumps of the past don’t disappear……

We are discovering you don’t just grieve the DEATH of a person.  You grieve the few (or many) losses that you felt  and experienced in that individual relationship….THROUGHOUT that entire relationship.

But, we are all open.  Open to growth and healing where needed…. all while honoring and missing our loved one.

P.S.  Gotta tell you, Loren would be thrilled knowing the result off his death did not create strife and division.  Instead, it has entwined our lives in a continuation of increasing beautiful ways.

 

 

 

HOW to HeLp a NEW WIDOW and a SEasOnED WIDOW

Children, Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New and Seasoned, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships

 

This picture capsulates my first  2 years….not de-railing, but in a now-cold-unfriendly world, in my grief – cocoon, with just enough light to see the immediate day… all while in unchartered wild territory.

I WAS (blissfully) IGNORANT OF THESE  “How to Help a Widow” suggestions BECAUSE OF LACK OF EXPERIENCE. Through the love of the following eleven people I can write this blog:

This blog is dedicated to:  my dad (now passed away), my mom, my sisters Jean and Janelle, Loren’s sister Joyce, mentor and friend Mary,  family friends Marvin and Carole, friend Lorri (now passed away, just 3 months ago), co-widow Eileen, and co-widow Cindy.  These  eleven individuals regularly reached out to me.  These individuals have maintained their individual rhythms throughout the seasons up until now, 4 years and 4 months later.  (My children are not included in this list….only because they have equally borne their own  grief).

 

HOW   TO   HELP   A   NEW    WIDOW:

 

  1. TELL HER you are sorry for her loss. Tell her you are praying for her.
  2. SEND cards. WRITE posts on Facebook that she will see.  Email her.  Text her.
  3. HUG HER.  Let her sob. Just know some widows will love the long embraces…some not….it can depend upon who she is hugging.
  4. UNDERSTAND THAT SHE MAY NOT RESPOND to your thoughts, care and concern (the 1st 4 months are full of rearranging financial matters, so, along with the intense grief, she may lack in the “proper ways” to respond when people have reached out).
  5. TELL HER MEANINGFUL THINGS ABOUT her spouse. Those words will briefly lessen the pain and those words will come back to her mind later when she can smile!
  6. VISIT HER IN PERSON, even if it is just for 15 minutes. Those 15 minutes will help pull her out of her unbearable pain….giving her a brief reprieve….
  7. WHEN YOU ARE VISITING WITH HER don’t be afraid to ask questions…and if she can’t converse much just be there to briefly talk about basic little things… especially in a sudden death, her heart and mind is still stuck back with the event that changed her course of life….
  8. BE WILLING TO SIT IN DEAD SILENCE WITH HER… “dead silence” is OK….because that is her new reality…(just like my list of eleven people they’ll always be cherished for having been willing to share the dead silence with me).
  9. IF YOU WANT TO BRING FOOD, please bring it in/on a disposable dish. Her mind is too confused to remember “more details”…things that were once small for her are now gigantic.
  10. IF YOU OFFER TO HELP HER with something  (ie. those jobs that MUST be done annually), be sure that you follow through and do what you said you’d do (widows often feel afraid…. worrying how certain jobs will get done)!

 

HOW   TO   HELP   A   SEASONED   WIDOW:

  1. Lady friends (dads and brothers, too), SET UP COFFEE or LUNCH DATES with her. Weekly, monthly or quarterly  (this will be a life-line to her).
  2. Ladies (dads and brothers, too), SHOOT HER A BRIEF TEXT EVERY FEW DAYS or so asking how her day is going (this will be a life-line to her….she STILL misses those routine connections that she had with her husband)!
  3. TELL HER ABOUT all-ladies Bible Study Groups (being the only single person in a mixed group still feels unnatural in the best of circumstances).
  4. BE WILLING TO LET HER REVERT to conversations about her deceased husband.
  5. BE WILLING TO REMINISCE about the happy times AND the painful times that she may have had in her marriage (by now she is processing and assessing her marriage….it’s a normal part of the grief process).
  6. IF YOU LIKE TO PURCHASE LITTLE GIFTS, treat her  with one (but don’t do it too much…likely, her finances are strapped and she may feel bad that she can’t reciprocate).
  7. GO SEE A MOVIE or take her along on your errands trip (if your hours are compatible with her work hours).
  8. UNDERSTAND THAT SHE DOESN’T EXPECT YOU TO REPLACE HER HUSBAND but know that  she truly values your effort and willingness to spend time with her.
  9. UNDERSTAND THAT SHE once lived a life full of connection (please know,  just because she works, has kids, and goes to church doesn’t mean she has deep friendships there).
  10. TRUST HER….if she’s wise she won’t cross “those” boundaries and impede on your family time (YOU be the one to set your boundaries first since you have at least one more person to consider).

SLAMMED. Unexpectedly. FEELING Him.

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Dreams of Your Dead Spouse, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grandchildren, Grief, grief at 4 years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, You Are Missing from Me

Sometimes it’s completely unavoidable. That is, the random intense sense of  loss that can slam me.

It all started with a wonderful unexpected vivid dream last week.  I was walking through the great room heading towards the kitchen.  Loren comes around the corner, holding a stacked plate of fresh baked cookies.  He had his huge impish smile on his face….he was thrusting the plate of cookies towards me, wanting me to take the gift he was offering me.  In the dream he never once spoke a word to me nor I to him, but I was quickly reminded of the gleeful generosity he would have when gifting me.  I was immediately drawn to our connection.  I could feel the love.  I woke up.

The next two nights I was  again  dreaming of he and I but I don’t remember the dreams.

However, having these dreams is pulling me back into another time….that I had successfully left…. I thought.

Two days ago I made the “mistake”  of watching the Picture/Music video we had prepared and shown at Loren’s Memorial Service.  I hadn’t watched it in months.  I was invaded with warm thoughtful memories.

Yesterday morning  I woke up, feeling drawn to watch the same video again.  But that time, it slammed me. The memories were not “happy”…. only because it was suddenly too painful to remember.  The sense of separation was searing.

Watching TV couldn’t distract the loss.  Mowing the lawn couldn’t distract the pain.  Paying the bills couldn’t distract the emptiness.  The only thing that saved me was my co-widow friend, Eileen,  randomly calling me….I had been on her mind yesterday…. we met in  Albany for dinner.  THAT is what broke me out of the savage feeling of being caged.

This morning I was outside kneeling….staining the deck.  I swear I felt his presence as if he was standing near me.  I actually looked up to see if he was really there, well knowing I wouldn’t be able to actually see him, but I believe I felt him there.  Hot torrents of tears coursed down my face and neck.  Per chance Loren could hear me, I said, “Don’t EVER stop checking in on me because I was starting to forget how we felt together.”

……and, the truth that I am starting to forget details about him is undeniably tragic…..I  had purposed to never –  ever forget the nuances that made him special.

Those dreams were wonderful vivid reminders but, today,  memories don’t feel like they are enough.  I’m trusting today will be easier since I’m caring for my 4 year old grandson, Lincoln.

“YOU,  Loren,  ARE MISSING FROM ME.”   Even when I’m doing great.  Even at 4 years and 4 months out.

BIRTHDAYS, LIGHTBULBS, and MOMENTUM

Christian Widows, Deceased Spouse Birthday, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, Holidays and Grief, Honoring Your Deceased Spouse, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays

 

Technically, we didn’t even celebrate his Birthday-in-Heaven this year, compared to last years restaurant hopping with the fam by going to two Shari’s Restaurants (Salem and McMinnville, both) within the same day to eat his favorite Marionberry pie.  We didn’t celebrate his Birthday this year, as we did for two Birthdays, by eating his favorite chocolate cake with chocolate icing. One year  I had been in the hospital for 14 days, and it was on Loren’s Birthday that my brother, Dennis, and his wife, Linda, helped me leave the hospital…and drove me to my parents house so I could recover there with extended out-of-state family.  This year, we certainly spoke of Loren’s Birthday and remembered him and, somehow , THAT seemed to be enough.

You could say, “One more light bulb was turned on”…. at least in my heart.

 

INSIDE OF MYSELF,  somehow,  I DIDN’T:

  • Need to PROVE that I miss him
  • Need to DO something to demonstrate my love for him (I did that for years, he was an acts-of-service-kind-of-guy)
  • Need to STICK TO my pre-made plans (I’m starting to feel like I need less control of my circumstances)

The day before his Birthday,  I did not go to town for the Holiday festivities, as planned.  As soon as my eyes opened in the morning, I instinctively knew I’d feel too lonely so I chose to not set myself up  for pain.  Instead, I left the town that I love and drove 60 miles to another family gathering at my cousin’s farm. It was THERE  that I found lots of laughter and great connection with my Kropf cousins, aunt and uncle, siblings, mom and newly-made-friends… and when I arrived home by 11 pm I felt complete and satisfied.

This year I was motivated to (again) continue the tradition of inviting the Gingerich clan out to the ranch to roast hotdogs and marshmallows over an open fire, ride quads on the upper back trails, and shoot ‘em up for hours until dark… (the 1st two years after he passed the kids and I just couldn’t make ourselves follow through with the week-of-his-Birthday-tradition that Loren had started….it’s like we needed the ranch to remain as “our place”…. because he unexpectedly passed away there, our emotional bands were tight and protective….we had shared a life changing crisis there at the ranch, together).

You could say, “Yet another light bulb was turned on”.  This year I discovered how a deeper contentment occurred because I was sharing the ranch.  Interestingly enough, Brenna had asked me, “Did you feel anxious about having all of these people out today?” I gave a quick answer, “No…this felt natural and right”.

This year, it was on Loren’s BIRTHDAY that I admitted:

  • There are some traditions I will want to continue in his absence
  • There are more traditions I may never do again
  • Maybe, just maybe, I’ll become comfortable with new things.
  • Maybe, just maybe, I’ll become brave and take a long  road trip by myself (for me, that’ll be a sign that I’ve conquered life).

All I can say is, “Julia, you’ve come a long way, baby”.

MY Sweet PLACE and Men who this Widow can Count ON

Christian Widows, decision making, Doing New Things, Family, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, Widows working with men

June of 2019 had been the catalyst of re-ignition. That is, reigniting my sense of accomplishment,  especially when sharing it with good men while working on the property.  And boy, it all came back to me….that is, remembering how much I loved working outside with men, even as I had done as a child, wanting to be near my father and two brothers on our grass-seed farm.

 In 2015,  some of my adult children had told me, “Mom, we will come out and help you…just DON’T sell the ranch!!!”  As time has passed, they’ve had well-meaning intentions but the fact is (1) they work full time jobs, some of them work two jobs (2) they have families and/or do not live near me.

 

 I loved working on this land with Loren……actually, it started 30 plus years ago when mowing for Loren’s dad on this exact land…I enjoyed driving the back trails with him as he shared his vision for the property….all while he still owned the undeveloped land that Loren and I ended up purchasing from him.  Afterwards, Loren and I thrived in our pioneering adventure.  To stay on top of the up-keep, two Saturday  afternoons a month (year ‘round rain or shine) we’d each hop on our ol’- farm-work-horse quads, hooked up to trailers, go back into the trails and trim vegetation, shovel out overflowing ditches, gather firewood, and end up sitting on a log somewhere in the forest and talk about random “out there” dreams of special ways to improve the place.

In 2016 I had hired 3 teenage farm boys to help split firewood.  Not only did I have to oversee every minuet thing they did (or didn’t do), I quickly realized my husband had been out-working 3 young whippersnappers at the snap of his fingers.   Thankfully, I had never taken his raw strength and willpower for granted but at that moment I was thrown in to the thoughts of, “What will I do without him here?”

For two years I did my best, mostly with daughters Jasmine and Brenna helping,  (Brianne and Jasper a few times) doing  “the big stuff” (chainsaws, gutters, moss killer on the roofs) that Loren and I would’ve done together.  On my own, I still spray the Round-up, maintain the landscaping, mow the lawns, move wood and do the basic up-keep on the buildings.

BUT,  in 2018 I gave myself permission to STOP FEELING GUILTY  over the need to hire Loren’s two retired friends, Marvin and Dan, to mow the back fields, keep the back trails open, fall blow-down trees, prune trees that are growing over road ways, clean out the culverts,  spray the poison oak and Scotch Broom and the list goes on and on.  Dan can outwork 3 teenage boys at age 65.  Marv is a strong workhorse at age 77.

Loren’s faithful dog, Lucky, who passed away 3 years after him…Lucky went everywhere with us and watched  as we worked.

Simply put, everything feels right when these friends are out working on the ranch with me.  They are good men with beautiful wives to share life with, their children and grandchildren too…those loving relationships to nurture on their home-fronts.

Maybe it “feels so right” because they are long-time friends who have remained friends in Loren’s absence…..men who haven’t cleared out because I am single.    I trust them.   My children know them and trust them.  Most importantly,   my children and the men trust me.  Which is priceless.

It’s THIS that makes peace flow my way…knowing that ultimately everything is alright…knowing I have people on my side in a world that at times still feels harsh.

It’s awesome to have my sweet spot.  My place.

P.S.  Thank you dear father, TF, and my dear brothers, Galen and Dennis, for being the good, dependable men that you are!

I’m LiVing in 3 WoRLds and Will I Ever FIT IN?

Children, Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Family, Fighting to grow, Grandchildren, Grief, grief at 4 years, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood, Widows and aloneness

Today at 4 years and 1  1/2 months out,  I alarmingly realized I am living in 3 worlds and haven’t yet accomplished living in “one” world.  Will I ever?  Am I even supposed to?

The “3 Worlds” that I find myself floating between, beside, under, above or IN are:

  • “THE PAST” that I lived with Loren.
  • “THE PRESENT” which I didn’t choose or hope for.
  • “THE FUTURE” with one foot (my heart) in Heaven and still “THE FUTURE”… continuing on as I am…as a widow.   Other than enjoying the consistency of my job for the Willamina School District and teaching my private piano and private voice students,  I often feel   I.   DON’T.   FIT.   IN. 

    1.  As  a single person I struggle to fit in at church.  Who does a person sit with?  Does every other single person hate arriving and leaving by themselves?  Does every other single person hate the unknown plans after leaving church, whether they will be eating by themselves or with family or friends?  And then, am I the only person who can HARDLY  WAIT to get home after that? …to that place that feels most comfortable, where I can control my  “internal peace meter”.

    2. Because of extenuating circumstances I no longer have the privilege of serving on a worship team…the one place, since I was in my teens, where I flourished and felt revived.  I no longer have that one free night a week to drive and dedicate those hours of rehearsal.  And now, these few years of crying uncountable tears has basically thrashed the once-controlled-voice.

3.  Even though all of my adult children (and spouses)  are simply wonderful to me, sometimes I still feel like  I.  DO.  NOT.  FIT.  IN.   It’s a quandry where I often feel torn:

  • Feeling disgusted at myself that I even notice  how I feel, telling myself that I should be highly grateful to see my children being happy, that they are  even wanting to spend time with me.
  • Feeling grateful that somehow Loren’s death has meaningfully strengthened familial relationships and our adoration toward each other.
  • Feeling deliberate to put that smile on my face and do my best to join in the current festivity because I am all too aware I will be returning to my silent abode.
  • Feeling happy to be with my family yet sometimes feeling dreadfully alone with them.

Can I just become Superman and unwind my life back to 4 years and 1  1/2 months ago?…  but that doesn’t seem quite right to be selfish…to go back in time, assuming I had the power to change the course of events…to do that would mean my incredible grandson Lincoln would never have been born….that my two glorious son-in-laws may not be part of our family….which would mean 3 of my 4 children may not be where THEY are at today (with the “happiness meter”, I mean).

I now see, this blog has been very therapeutic.  Yes, for the ultimate good of everyone I believe I must target more contentment….that is,  choosing to somehow thrive in the world I am now placed in, even if I never feel like I’m living in “one world”.