Category Archives: Fighting Grief

2020 DREAMS and REALITY TRUMPS

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, identifying positive things, Peace should be enough
This image was captured the day after Loren’s Celebration of Life.

In November 2019 I listened to Andy Stanley, an articulate Inspirational Speaker and Pastor. Experientially and logically, I already “understood” what he was sharing but just hadn’t heard someone articulate the words…those already-rumbling-tumbling-inside-of-me-words.  His words resonated in me, deeply.

His exact quotes and question were:  “Some of our dreams simply can’t come true.”  “Life rarely goes as planned.”  “Reality always trumps.”  “What do we do when our dreams CAN’T come true because of people’s choices or circumstances?”  Naturally, at the end of his exhortation, Mr. Stanley then directed us towards trusting in God, our Maker, the One who gives us a Hope for our future.

Way before Loren passed away, turning towards God had been the pattern in my life.  Throughout the years there had been multitudes of disappointments, even a few heartbreaks….sprinkled with many happy moments….many love-filled times…and times that were neither happy or sad….all days of living out life…serving God….raising a family. 

The truth is, eventually we are ALL going to have a job or relationship loss, a heart break, AND a death of a key person in our life. I can guarantee that when it happens, you will not be on your top game for a while (sometimes a long while).…you will be gasping for air periodically….your footing and equilibrium may be lost….you may even wonder who YOU are, no longer recognizing the person you once were….

….and when you can’t “kick and pray yourself out of the upheaval” or “seem to adequately move through a specific situation” you will need to do a higher level of soul and God searching than ever before.

DURING “My-dream-can’t-come-true-because-Loren-passed-away” SORROW,  I have done the following:

  • Carefully look at the situation in its entirety and ask myself if there is more that I need to understand so I can grow and adjust.
  • Along with praying and asking for God’s guidance, formulate an inner plan of what I can do to help myself gain footing.
  • Hold fast to what I believe to be healthy and correct and not listen to random advice from people I don’t trust enough to guide me.

MY most RECENT “Life-Rarely-Goes-As-Planned” ACCEPTANCE has caused me to:

  • Persevere and accept my new normal, even when the sad times crop up periodically.
  • Diligently identify the current positive experiences.
  • Daily voice gratefulness to God.
  • Practice believing that God is in control of my private Universe and not just the World.

On January 1, 2020 my heart is full of gratitude because I have swam through the deep waters.  I have passed through the narrowest dark avenues of the Valley of the Shadow of Death.  I believe I will continue to find more peace, more calm and more restoration after the harsh struggle of deep grief. Thank you, dear friends and family, for standing with me on this journey.

I COULDN’T DO IT EARLIER, CHECKS and Ms. Wasson

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Fighting Grief, Grief, grief at 4 years, grief in the workplace, Holidays and Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays, Widows Managing Finances

I couldn’t do it earlier, that is, finish the Probate on Loren and the Commercial Business. A long while back, I eagerly approached Probate in stride.  I was finally emotionally and physically ready for the long hefty process.  In fact, I felt great relief as I wrote the final check to the lawyer.

My Ultimate Belief Even When I Don’t Feel It

BUT NOT THIS MONTH. IT’S DECEMBER. I should’ve known by now how the month of December accentuates happy or sad feelings.

Yesterday I went to my pre-arranged appointment with a 3rd Bank.  Since Probate is closed I’ve been advised it’s necessary to close out certain accounts. 

Honestly, at 4 1/2 years out I’m shocked how hot, dripping, searing tears along with physical pain can randomly return so readily….it’s worrisome to not be able to control how my body reacts. Even though I am at work today, I’ll just hope that most adults and children don’t notice my hoarse voice, red swollen eyes and face. It would be quite wonderful if these random crisis-modes would only happen when I’m not with other people.

I’ve decided I will carefully lay away two or three unused “invalid” joint owner checks where his name is above mine.  It doesn’t matter that there will be skipped check numbers on the Bank Statements. In my heart alone, I’ll know why this was purposefully done:  we were a team in business, in sharing finances and in life.  And even though I well know he is not here, a deep place inside of me still holds on to the “joint status”.

I still can’t say goodbye to that.  Quite frankly, I’m not sure I ever will.

To seal the deal, walking down the hallway at work this morning, I suddenly noticed another change:  beneath my Staff Identity Picture someone changed my title to Ms. Wasson. Dagger directly through the heart. I took a photo of it and texted it to Brenna. I won’t even attempt to tell you how many minutes more tears poured.

Christmas is almost here. I know God will keep empowering me. I also know this winter – in – my – heart will soon end…..again.

BECoMiNG FREE from GRiefS CHRONIC FEAR

Christian Widows, decision making, Doing New Things, Fears and the Widow, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, grief at 2 years, grief at 3 years, grief at 4 years, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets

 

About a week ago I suddenly realized I no longer live under the chronic fear that has accompanied my experience with grief.  In a far earlier Juliawasson.com blog I had touched on this topic, then quoting C.S. Lewis, “GRIEF FEELS LIKE FEAR”.  His experiential statement had initially surprised me yet I could identify with his declaration….it was evident that fear certainly was sandwiched between the multi-layers of upheaval in my life.

As I reflect, I can now categorize key fears and their movement in yearly increments:

1st YEAR: 

Fear of living without my love, my spouse of 37 years

Fear of making big sole decisions (business and personal)

Fear to trust myself (not having my partner, someone to talk things out with)

Fear of the dramatic exhaustion, extreme brain fog and overall malady

2nd YEAR:

Fear that I may be forced to change my life

                Fear because of acute recognition of losing 70% of income

               Fear because sorrow had bombarded me in heightened force (the shock had worn off,  also finding that the 2nd’s were equally as hard as the 1st’s)

Fear,  while wondering if my body could hold up to the physical rigors brought on by mourning

                Still, not trusting myself in sole decision making but slowly feeling better

3rd YEAR:

Choosing to continue living at the same place, clearly understanding the cost of doing so

Still experiencing great emotional loss from losing my best friend but starting to trust myself

Having enough widow-under-my-belt-experience to know “I can do this”

Fewer fears

4th YEAR: 

Starting to enjoy the challenges of sole business decision-making

               NEW  fear of wondering if available finances can carry me another 20 plus years

                A sense of freedom and tranquility more-often-than-not

Energy level returning

                A heightened emotional and physical awareness when any “first level apprehension” surfaces (me never wanting to return to the paralysis that intense grief brought)

               Purposing to re-train my emotional and physical responses BEFORE  fear sets in

 

I believe I will always grieve the loss of losing Loren but I’ve decided I can no longer live with THE FEAR that CAME with the GRIEF.  

Please go to the attached link and listen to my anthem,  a song by Lauren Daigle,  “PEACE  BE  STILL”.

 https://youtu.be/dUpKZz0Nm7c

 

SLAMMED. Unexpectedly. FEELING Him.

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Dreams of Your Dead Spouse, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grandchildren, Grief, grief at 4 years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, You Are Missing from Me

Sometimes it’s completely unavoidable. That is, the random intense sense of  loss that can slam me.

It all started with a wonderful unexpected vivid dream last week.  I was walking through the great room heading towards the kitchen.  Loren comes around the corner, holding a stacked plate of fresh baked cookies.  He had his huge impish smile on his face….he was thrusting the plate of cookies towards me, wanting me to take the gift he was offering me.  In the dream he never once spoke a word to me nor I to him, but I was quickly reminded of the gleeful generosity he would have when gifting me.  I was immediately drawn to our connection.  I could feel the love.  I woke up.

The next two nights I was  again  dreaming of he and I but I don’t remember the dreams.

However, having these dreams is pulling me back into another time….that I had successfully left…. I thought.

Two days ago I made the “mistake”  of watching the Picture/Music video we had prepared and shown at Loren’s Memorial Service.  I hadn’t watched it in months.  I was invaded with warm thoughtful memories.

Yesterday morning  I woke up, feeling drawn to watch the same video again.  But that time, it slammed me. The memories were not “happy”…. only because it was suddenly too painful to remember.  The sense of separation was searing.

Watching TV couldn’t distract the loss.  Mowing the lawn couldn’t distract the pain.  Paying the bills couldn’t distract the emptiness.  The only thing that saved me was my co-widow friend, Eileen,  randomly calling me….I had been on her mind yesterday…. we met in  Albany for dinner.  THAT is what broke me out of the savage feeling of being caged.

This morning I was outside kneeling….staining the deck.  I swear I felt his presence as if he was standing near me.  I actually looked up to see if he was really there, well knowing I wouldn’t be able to actually see him, but I believe I felt him there.  Hot torrents of tears coursed down my face and neck.  Per chance Loren could hear me, I said, “Don’t EVER stop checking in on me because I was starting to forget how we felt together.”

……and, the truth that I am starting to forget details about him is undeniably tragic…..I  had purposed to never –  ever forget the nuances that made him special.

Those dreams were wonderful vivid reminders but, today,  memories don’t feel like they are enough.  I’m trusting today will be easier since I’m caring for my 4 year old grandson, Lincoln.

“YOU,  Loren,  ARE MISSING FROM ME.”   Even when I’m doing great.  Even at 4 years and 4 months out.

MY Sweet PLACE and Men who this Widow can Count ON

Christian Widows, decision making, Doing New Things, Family, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, Widows working with men

June of 2019 had been the catalyst of re-ignition. That is, reigniting my sense of accomplishment,  especially when sharing it with good men while working on the property.  And boy, it all came back to me….that is, remembering how much I loved working outside with men, even as I had done as a child, wanting to be near my father and two brothers on our grass-seed farm.

 In 2015,  some of my adult children had told me, “Mom, we will come out and help you…just DON’T sell the ranch!!!”  As time has passed, they’ve had well-meaning intentions but the fact is (1) they work full time jobs, some of them work two jobs (2) they have families and/or do not live near me.

 

 I loved working on this land with Loren……actually, it started 30 plus years ago when mowing for Loren’s dad on this exact land…I enjoyed driving the back trails with him as he shared his vision for the property….all while he still owned the undeveloped land that Loren and I ended up purchasing from him.  Afterwards, Loren and I thrived in our pioneering adventure.  To stay on top of the up-keep, two Saturday  afternoons a month (year ‘round rain or shine) we’d each hop on our ol’- farm-work-horse quads, hooked up to trailers, go back into the trails and trim vegetation, shovel out overflowing ditches, gather firewood, and end up sitting on a log somewhere in the forest and talk about random “out there” dreams of special ways to improve the place.

In 2016 I had hired 3 teenage farm boys to help split firewood.  Not only did I have to oversee every minuet thing they did (or didn’t do), I quickly realized my husband had been out-working 3 young whippersnappers at the snap of his fingers.   Thankfully, I had never taken his raw strength and willpower for granted but at that moment I was thrown in to the thoughts of, “What will I do without him here?”

For two years I did my best, mostly with daughters Jasmine and Brenna helping,  (Brianne and Jasper a few times) doing  “the big stuff” (chainsaws, gutters, moss killer on the roofs) that Loren and I would’ve done together.  On my own, I still spray the Round-up, maintain the landscaping, mow the lawns, move wood and do the basic up-keep on the buildings.

BUT,  in 2018 I gave myself permission to STOP FEELING GUILTY  over the need to hire Loren’s two retired friends, Marvin and Dan, to mow the back fields, keep the back trails open, fall blow-down trees, prune trees that are growing over road ways, clean out the culverts,  spray the poison oak and Scotch Broom and the list goes on and on.  Dan can outwork 3 teenage boys at age 65.  Marv is a strong workhorse at age 77.

Loren’s faithful dog, Lucky, who passed away 3 years after him…Lucky went everywhere with us and watched  as we worked.

Simply put, everything feels right when these friends are out working on the ranch with me.  They are good men with beautiful wives to share life with, their children and grandchildren too…those loving relationships to nurture on their home-fronts.

Maybe it “feels so right” because they are long-time friends who have remained friends in Loren’s absence…..men who haven’t cleared out because I am single.    I trust them.   My children know them and trust them.  Most importantly,   my children and the men trust me.  Which is priceless.

It’s THIS that makes peace flow my way…knowing that ultimately everything is alright…knowing I have people on my side in a world that at times still feels harsh.

It’s awesome to have my sweet spot.  My place.

P.S.  Thank you dear father, TF, and my dear brothers, Galen and Dennis, for being the good, dependable men that you are!

FRIENDS and the WIDOW. Beliefs about Burial. CHAPTER 2.

attending funerals, Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Doing New Things, Fighting Grief, Grief, grief at 4 years, Honoring Your Deceased Spouse, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Miscellaneous, Widows and Burial Decisions
  • “WHAT?   You haven’t buried him in the ground yet?    That’s horrible!      He can’t rest in peace until you do!”
  • “You should’ve never cremated him!   What about the resurrection?”
  • “His spirit is restless because he hasn’t been laid to rest”.

Yes, these are exact quotes that casual friends, of different religions,  have said to me.

As a young Mennonite child it was common procedure going to multiples of funerals…even walking by open caskets of people I didn’t know (I hated that)!  As an adult musician, I professionally sang and played keyboard for multiples of funerals…being weekly hired by three prominent Funeral Homes in Salem, Oregon.  Being hired to provide a service to families in grief, I mostly was able to separate myself from the pain the families must’ve been feeling.  In addition, I sang at Loren’s parent’s Services and brother-in-law Max’s Memorial Service,  other Wasson family members,  3 of my grandparent’s Funerals, and my first cousin’s 16 year old sons Funeral, but even in that sadness,  things were different…………I hadn’t yet been the spouse sitting on that front row.

From day #1 of marrying Loren, he was VERY VOCAL about wanting to be cremated,  even though cremation was not yet common in the late ‘70’s.  He was known to say, “Caskets take up too much space in the ground, it’s ridiculous to spend thousands of dollars on funerals, and I WON’T BE THERE ANYWAYS BECAUSE I’LL ALREADY BE HOME”.

Now, at that time, I did NOT agree with him regarding cremation!!  I’d immediately respond, “You’d better put your wishes in writing because I’m not sure I can cremate you”.  However, many years later I watched a descriptive four – hour documentary on Funeral Home Procedures.  It was then, I immediately assured Loren I’d respect his wishes.

I’ve come-to-the-conclusion that whether it be  cremation, boxes or beautiful urns, cheap caskets, expensive caskets, open caskets, closed caskets, vaults, burial in the ground, burial in a wall.…. the majority of decisions are based on one of these five:  preference, honor of the loved ones wishes, tradition, religion or finances.

I have no regrets.  I DID THE RIGHT THING!  I’ll go a step further and say I HONORED HIM.  I honored Loren in life AND in death.

That dreadful, shock-filled morning, after the coroner and fire chief were leaving our home,  my children,  along with my brother Galen and my mother,  Loren’s sisters Joyce and Janet,  close friend Carole, and friend and Chaplain, Pastor Connie,  had all gathered to be with me…..we had our 5 hours with Loren in the house before the mortuary workers took his body away.  Even though I was in deep shock, I clearly understood this would be the last time I’d see my love.  I held on to him…. laid close beside him on the hardwood floor.  But as his body no longer felt normal it was time to let him go.  Nature was taking its course…..and I couldn’t reverse time…..

The day we went to the mortuary to pick up Loren’s ashes  my three daughters and I still spoke our relief that we had not had to choose a casket, burial clothes or pallbearers when making arrangements for his Memorial Service.

To this date Loren’s ashes are in a special place in my home.   I’m drawing closer to the thought of burying a portion of the ashes  in our-already-purchased-plot in the cemetery.   At that time, I’ll have a private gathering of close friends and family as we commit his remains  to the  ground under Loren and Julia’s joint headstone that I’ll have had made.  One of our daughters is looking forward to having  a place to take flowers to…for a time of private remembrance.

But,  IT’S NOT TIME…..from the very beginning, my kids and I have discussed doing one or some of the following:

#1.  Divide the ashes.  Put them into lockets.  #2.  Divide the ashes.  Make hand-blown glassware with them.  #3.  To honor Loren’s wishes,  make ammunition with some of his ashes and then shoot them out of his gun (for years, he’d made it clear he’d want this done with his ashes)!

AND,  if he knows what we are doing he’ll be grinning that huge grin from ear to ear.   😊

…but somehow I think my kids and I are acutely aware that taking this next step may bring more sorrow than we’d hope to face, again.  As far as following through with our ideas, we’ve agreed that it’ll be Jasmine and I who will divide the ashes……and YES!…at this  moment I’m pondering if I would’ve regretted having buried all of his ashes immediately after his passing…. you know, there’s something to be said about making life “easier”. 

SECONDARY LOSSES and Sexual Bereavement

Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, Marriage, Miscellaneous, resolutions for the widow, Sexual Bereavement, widowhood, Widows and aloneness

We’ve all seen this “Secondary Losses” Chart.  I had too.   Because I have lost my spouse, I feel there is a missing “sphere/circle” on this chart.

That is,  SEXUAL BEREAVEMENT: “The loss of the mutual coping patterns that develop over a long period of time in a loving, enduring sexual relationship that cannot be fixed or replaced easily”,   written by Dr. Alice Radosh,  Neuro- psychologist from City University of New York.

Well said, Dr. Radosh.  Well said.  Until I inadvertently came across her online article I had not been aware of the actual terminology “Sexual Bereavement” but I most certainly have experienced it.  I was emotionally and physically bonded to Loren for  37 years.  Until one loses that powerful connection with a spouse I’m not sure a person can fully appreciate or understand the magnitude of loss…..

In addition, the British Dictionary describes BEREAVEMENT as: “the condition of being deprived of something or someone valued, especially through death.”

By now I’m sure there are varying reactions from you readers. Possibly, “This topic needs to remain private”.  Some of your thoughts may include, “Find a man.”  “It’s time you move on and get over him.”  Or, “Thank you for being brave enough to talk about this component of widowhood”.

Believe me, my closest widow girlfriends and I periodically discuss the predicament.  We deeply loved our husbands and still love our deceased husbands.

For us, there is no easy solution….for we are governed by powerful memories and the desired continuity of peace from a clear conscience!!!

After 3 years, I’m finally adjusting to the routine of living single, however, it is just now that I am starting to face the hardcore fact  that there are facets of my world that may never again feel “right”.  That realization feels dauntingly painful at times.

I’m just grateful I’ve learned to healthily cope with the adjustments.

“So, God, I’m thankful You’ve given me the grace to stay on course… and the gift of a good dose of common sense.”

TAKING ACTION, Patterns and MORE QUESTIONS

Death, Doing it God's way, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, friendships, grief at 3 years, Holidays and Grief, Loss

Loren & I.    40 years ago.

Yesterday was my fourth-wedding-anniversary-without him here.  But this year was different.  By now I’d caught on to what this day could’ve potentially done to me, as far as setting me back weeks, even months.

I took action.  I broke out of my past pattern of grief.  I broke out of my routine.  Since yesterday was Sunday, I purposefully did not go to church.  Instead, I drove a distance to long-time-ago High School girlfriend and co-widow, Eileen.  I took a lemon cake AND a chocolate cake for dessert.  She fixed me a tasty lunch in her beautiful home.   There was minimal crying and far more laughing with snippets of reflection.

To end the comforting special day, Eileen’s close confidant / girlfriend of 25 plus years drove up from Rogue River.  I felt blessed to meet her and be included in this small-gathering-of-three for 6 hours.

While being so thankful for a relieving, pleasant day with precious people, I must be honest and give you a picture of this past week:

  • Four days before the anniversary I almost felt guilty that I wasn’t feeling upset about the upcoming day.  I was sure this year would be different.  I’d taken great strides in my grief journey.  Life was predictable and far steadier on my new island.

 

  • Two days before the anniversary I felt deep searing pain in my chest, heart, and gut. The immobilizing pain did not leave me all day.  I would’ve felt great relief if I only could have sobbed for hours and released the tension and anguish I felt captive to.

 

  • The day before Loren and my wedding anniversary I stayed home.  I spent the day in my robe, reminiscing of he & I, only with mild sadness….all while feeling very thankful I had an active, silly 3 year old grandson to care for the following 20 hours.

I’ve come to the conclusion that “the BIG ONES” (ie Holidays and Special Days) will always play havoc with me physically and emotionally.  When you cherished your loved one in life with every fiber of your being why should we not be surprised that same fervency would remain after they have left their physical bodies?

Is there some sort of sick, unrealistic expectation determined by the professionals that we should just get over our loved one’s passing in a specific time period and never again feel massive pain after “we have healed”?

The love doesn’t die, my friends.  THE.  LOVE.  JUST.   DOESN’T.   DIE.

TOP 7 Things I LEARNED while MARRIED

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting Grief, Grief, grief at 3 years, identifying positive things, Longevity Marriages, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widows and Marriage

I was married 37 years.  Even though Loren & I knew that death would eventually separate us, we somehow assumed we’d be married a good 60 years before one of us went first.   Or better yet we’d both pass at the same time (but that’s selfish to wish because we have children and grandchildren who’d feel a double loss).  In addition, we came from families whose parents remained married for a minimum of 65 years until one passed.

  We had strong examples.

I’m ashamed to say it took me years to “get it”.   If Loren was here today he’d equally be honest and say it took him “that long” to learn important lessons!

 

THANKFULLY, we LEARNED and EXPERIENCED these 7 things in  our marriage:

 

  • That your spouse wants to be adored. Not worshiped.  There is a difference (every person knows their imperfections….they simply want their spouse to understand them and still deeply love them in their raw status).

 

  • That enduring love is far separate from the initial lust two individuals feel in their early days as a couple.

 

  • That longevity in a marriage can increase the strong chemistry / spark between the two (the fire only burns hotter).

 

  • That accountability to your spouse is not only a safety net but a blessing (being aware of the ins and outs of your spouse’s life is the ultimate gift of care).

 

  • That some “good marriages” take more effort to thrive (it all comes down to the two individuals).

 

  • That each spouse has their own “love language(s)”…and they are usually different (together, Loren and I discovered the book “THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES…the Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman).

 

  • That life is full of consequences. Either full of rewards or full of regrets.

 

Loren and I had finally learned to place undying effort into each other.  We climbed that treacherous, most difficult mountain together….to blend…for two strong individuals to become a team….it took blood, sweat, and many tears.  And we were fully aware we’d need to stay on course with that continuous climb.

Once we tasted the sweetness of deep love we both knew (and lovingly spoke of it) how we would never be willing to settle for anything less!  Until our dying day!

“Our dying day” came sooner than later.

You could say THAT is my problem. I lived the difficulties with him.  I then experienced the deep love between two imperfect people who believed in each other.  Who decided “we” were worth the effort.  I then lived the amazing reward.  With him.

We found a deep lasting love.  I can never settle for anything less.

 

THIS is HOW I FIGHT my BATTLES

Fighting Grief, Miscellaneous, Worship and Grief

I imagine the Heavens opening up when I can worship
I imagine the Heavens opening up when I can worship

Battles.   And Music.

 I was the child / girl / teenager who from a very young age could swoon any song, had a great vocal range, could easily memorize all lyrics, sing all genres of music…. and to top it off, sang with intense, deep emotion that could “pull at dead people’s heart strings”.

(yes, I was literally told the-dead-people’s-strings-thing once!)

However, from the day Loren passed away I somehow unintentionally set music aside:

  • That same ability to permeate music from my head to my toes was the same shared emotional component that exuded loss.
  • Because the grief deadened my ability to feel, trying to worship God without the depth I was accustomed to felt insincere.
  • I had resigned to the idea I might forever remain in frustration that this integral part of myself may lay dormant.

I had been desperate to feel the Heavens open up.

So, “by accident” a friend of a friend’s Facebook post floated through my Newsfeed (which rarely happens).  It was a youtube video of SURROUNDED (FIGHT MY BATTLES) by Michael W. Smith. 

With rare curiosity I watched the music video.

Those 18 repetitive words drove me to my knees.  Those 18 repetitive words started scraping the glaze from my heart and eyes. The 18 repetitive words in this song has ignited a  spark.  For the first time in the past 34 months I am starting to sense an emotional response to worship!!

I may have lost the tangible opportunity to feel enthralled in my lover’s arms.  To have love carry me away.

But, to start to come alive in response to the Spirit moving in my heart during worship is LIFE.  LONG NEEDED LIFE!

Grateful.  Deeply grateful, is what I am!