Category Archives: Fears and the Widow

The WIDOW and Their ADULT CHILDREN. Chapter 3.

Children, Christian Widows, Death, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, How To Help Widows, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets, Widows and their Adult Children, Widows with Adult Children

WOULDN’T YOU KNOW!!!!…. the following day after I had rough-drafted this attached blog, one of my daughters had randomly said, “Mom, I hope you know I do not feel you are a burden to us.” I then thought, “O shoot….maybe I should cancel the blog that I am writing…maybe I don’t want my kids to know what I was thinking today.” But, since I knew the blog wasn’t formed from a moment of discouragement…but realism…I made the decision to complete and publish.

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It’s becoming more apparent as time proceeds forward: 

As long as I remain single and live at the ranch I can never really live independently.

My definition of “LIVING INDEPENDENTLY”: doing everything myself….on ladders cleaning gutters, applying moss killer on the roofs and later sweeping off the roofs, running the chainsaw to cut fallen trees, never needing to ask my kids to help me do projects or if they can’t do it hiring someone else to do the job.

It’s an odd dance, that is, learning how to give your children their right to live their adult lives as independent agents all-the-while somehow calibrating your life in sync with theirs…..just because you lost your husband… and fervently trying to keep the family property for the next generation.

It could possibly be compared to an unspoken love-hate relationship….hopefully with neither side actually FEELING the love-hate / compassion-resentment potential…. as far as coming to the point of resenting WHY this calibration was needed in the first place.

But let’s be candid and put the cards on the table…brass tacks…rubber meeting the road:

  • I very much dislike that I even NEED to depend upon my children for ANYTHING other than frequent texts, periodic phone calls, monthly times of brief companionship, seeing the grand kids, and, of course, Holidays and maybe a few trips together every few years.  
  • They may dislike that they even NEED to watch out for me (if Loren was here they’d be counting on their dad and I to do what we always did…mostly without them). 
  • It started way too early in life for me.   
  • It started way too early in their lives (I should’ve been in my 80’s before my kids needed to attempt oversight of any parent).
  • It’s apparent I can’t live completely independent from my children (this thought is incredibly frustrating… yet quite comforting to me at the same time).
  • It’s reasonably apparent to assume they will always feel this looming responsibility to take turns watching out for me (I guess the positive side is:  they still have one parent to watch out for).
  • If, for example, I live to be 80 years old…my kids will have had 24 plus years of their adult lives to have felt a responsibility to have had to stay in closer-contact with a parent
  • Hopefully they realize they should be setting boundaries now… with me and with each other.
  • If, in the future, I learned that my kids started to resent each other because one or two had to do all of the work or make all of the decisions (other than my designated person(s) for future legal matters), I would feel disappointed and possibly guilty.
  • Hopefully my children are graciously speaking up now, amongst each other, if they see patterns starting that could bring disruption to their future relationships with each other.

 I continuously pray I will be a blessing to my children…where they can look back on these present years and recognize our combined reciprocal generosity with each other… all because Loren’s death forced us to change the prior ebb and flow…now adjusting to another family dynamic.

As for birthing my kids years back…. those stretch marks, varicose veins, and birth pains were worth every bit of it.    

HOW BEING A WIDOW (pOsSiblY) PREPARED ME FOR THE PANDEMIC

Buttons, Covid Pandemic and Widows, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief at 5 Years, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows and aloneness
My youngest grandson….I want to become more like him

Awhile back my third child walked into my house….sat down…and in a casual manner said, “Mom, I mean this as a compliment….but, if there’s anyone who could ever be OK living alone….. it’d be you.”  WOW!  That stopped me in my tracks…but then again, NOT!  Being married to a trucker for 37 years had, to some degree, already prepared me.

And then COVID happened.  All staff were ordered to stop reporting to the physical location on March 13th.  It required creativity and persistence to continue working since I live in a rural area with minimal internet service, which I needed to perform my job.

And now…. 8 months later, I’ve come across a long article, HOW TO BE ALONE, by Sigal Samuel.  Samuel discusses both benefits and dangers of being alone, giving examples of those who’ve survived solitary confinement vs those choosing to live as hermits….how some didn’t merely survive but actually grew as individuals.…Sigal also addressing the other people who can barely survive being alone  because of past unresolved issues that immediately surface in some adverse settings.

I’ve watched co-workers and family deeply struggle with the social and economic adjustments that COVID has forced upon our state. To a moderate degree I can relate to the social-emotional frustrations although I must be honest and say:  “Thankfully, I cannot understand…. completely”. 

Since March, I have periodically pondered if something is wrong with me…..even considering that being a widow for five years MAY have prepared me for this…… or maybe just being who I already WAS had helped me adjust quicker to living with “COVID isolation”……

Nonetheless, I believe the following has held true for me. THROUGH MY BEING A WIDOW:

~ I had already learned I needed to maintain a consistent daily routine to counteract depression

~ I had already become used to spending large amounts of time alone

~ I had already become accustomed to not having daily hugs, much personal verbal affirmation and close physical contact with people, unless with my best friends and immediate family

~ I had already learned to watch more TV shows and listen to music for pleasure and companionship

~ I had already realized attending church (in the building) wasn’t the end-all answer for me

~ I had already discovered how a small group of people fulfilled my need for weekly comradeship and Bible Study

~ I had already learned to rely on phone calls, texting, and social networking

~ To manage my stress level, the local morning news was limited to one hour

~ I had already learned a person can teach themselves how to not only survive but to eventually grow in and through daunting times.

~ I had already taken to heart my Primary Physician’s immediate advice after Loren passed, “Julia, be careful that you don’t become a hermit…you could (too easily) do that….”

Other than feeling like I am a muzzled horse walking around in a Sci-Fi movie, I’m thankful I live in a rural community where I’m not forced to daily see hundreds of masked people who look like old-western-movie-robbers casing a place.

Other than my hands becoming chapped and cracked from washing my hands 20x a day at my on-site job (literally), I’m grateful I don’t have to be concerned about multiple family members carrying random germs into my house.

Other than feeling incredibly sympathetic for the parents who suddenly are having to school their children at home, the parents who have either lost their jobs or the parent who has been forced to quit their job so they can school their child at home…… I am flat grateful that I raised my four adult children years ago.  Granted, I’d be capable of Home-schooling but our stress levels would be off the charts. 

If being a widow actually helped prepare me for life-as-it-is-now I guess I can be thankful.

PRESSING the RELEASE BUTTON and OUR Plans

Buttons, Death, decision making, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Fears and the Widow, Fighting to grow, God's Will, Grief, Grief at 5 Years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows Managing Finances

I pressed a release button.  It had not been an easy decision to be making by myself. 

I listed a piece of Residential/Commercial property that Loren and I had purchased on Main Street in  beautiful “Timbertown USA” 26 years ago. In the Commercial Storefront, we owned and operated every-guys-dream-business the first 9 years.  After he tired of the walk-in-retail-component, I then moved Julia Wasson Music Studios into that space for 17 years (where I continued teaching voice/piano lessons ~ having just now completed 32 years of private lessons).  Loren and I had also lived in the home the first 7 years while we built our dream at the ranch.  

“If life had remained as Loren and I had dreamed and expected” this property would have been placed on the market the summer of 2015.  Because Loren was going to retire in one year, he wanted me to close the music studio and have more time to play at the end of my workday.  In addition, OUR PLANS were to use a portion of the proceeds of the sale towards building another building at the ranch and  restoring a hot rod that Loren was bent on racing at the drag strip.   

To go back further yet in time, BEFORE WE DECIDED WE WERE GOING TO PURSUE SELLING THE PLACE on Main Street in 2015, we were going to chase our newest diversions by taking out a loan since we had much equity at the ranch.  Approximately 6 months before he unexpectedly passed, we had gone to our locally-owned Bank and filled out an application.  The Loan Officer saw no reason why this wouldn’t be an easy transaction, with our good credit and long-time standing with this Bank. We waited and waited. Lo and behold, 10 days later the Loan Officer/Head Manager of the Bank called… explaining she was shocked how the requested loan was not approved, yet alone with a satisfactory reasonable answer as to why! 

As Loren and I quietly drove to a restaurant later that evening, discussing what our next step might be, I specifically recall saying, “THIS MAKES NO SENSE.…but….God must know something that WE don’t know…. Something must be going to happen that we are unaware of….” 

….Those words that I had then spoken have replayed in my mind multiple and multiples of times since his passing…. 

To get back to the story, SHOULD WE HAVE been approved of that loan, SHOULD WE HAVE built that other building, SHOULD WE HAVE restored that hotrod….. I would NOT have been able to stay at the ranch on my income! 

I am convinced: God sometimes steps in to spare us….sometimes from ourselves….to protect us….to help arrange our ducks for our unknown-to-us-future.   

P.S.  Since my awesome renters, of the home, are moving to another area in Oregon and I no longer want to deal with the pressures of new renters and the ongoing upkeep of another building, I am selling the place. As far as the private teaching goes, I’ll keep giving a few piano/voice lessons.  Just at a different location.

HALF A DECADE of being a WIDOW

Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, How To Help Widows, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New and Seasoned, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Marriage
This picture was taken mere months before he unexpectedly passed
This photo was taken mere months before he unexpectedly passed

This week is a monumental week.  I have been a widow for half a decade now. In the past five years, at varying times, THE FOLLOWING FIVE statements have been spoken to me; not glib words spoken without intent, but presented with interpreted care and strong belief.  These same statements have never left my mind.  I’m now ready to give a “more-seasoned-response” since I’m past the heightened reactions that traveled alongside my raw grief.

“God will ALWAYS bring good out of tragedy”.   

  • “It’s always possible God could ‘bring good’ out of this tragedy but I will never  demand it in my heart because there are millions who have survived far worse situations than mine….and then there’s the fact that  ultimately I feel it’s impossible since ‘my idea of good’ would be for me to be transported back to where Loren and I were ~ that life that we had worked so hard to attain”.
  • “I’m just grateful I have grown to find peace in my adjusted life”.
  • “I continue to make great efforts (Grief Counseling, trusting in the Lord, carefully choosing the people whom have influence in my life) and have found more courage than I would’ve ever thought I could have.”
  • “So, yes, some could argue that ‘good came out of his passing’.”

“Divorce is worse than Death…at least you know where he is!”

  • “I have felt the pain of divorce but only once as a parent and three times as a sibling/in-law.  Even though I wasn’t the one who was physically and emotionally betrayed, our entire family grieved and felt the turmoil from the separations.”
  • “Pain is pain.  Loss is loss.  Each relationship had its own degree of intimacy so I will never belittle the devastation that comes with divorce.”
  • “Whether it be divorce or death you can know that major changes will come a person’s way.”
  • “The only (dare I say it ? ) ‘benefit of a spouse’s death’ vs divorce is that you don’t have to face your Ex in painful social situations, deal with children custody issues, or divide the assets.”

“A person needs a companion. God didn’t intend for people to live alone.”   

  • “It would have never been my desire to be single at 56 years of age.”
  • “I am not afraid to live alone”.
  • “I have a job that I enjoy, I work with people that bring meaning to my life, and I have a network of family and friends who give me love and support.”
  • “Two IS better than one.  However…for ‘two to be better’ a person must team up with the right person.  Many widows/widowers rush to remarry, in desperation from loneliness or fear, and later have regret because they  had not spent the necessary alone time to grieve-it-through-to-completion …and if you don’t ‘work through’ the long, harrowing grieving process you’ll never have a clear mind to analyze a new person, their character, and habits.”
  • “My idea of marriage is not to just have a warm body to lay next to at night.”
  •  “It’s crazy to assume that another marriage would be equally happy or unhappy.”
  • “I’d rather be a widow who lives alone than married and lonely.”

“Don’t wait forever….statistics say if a widow / widower do not remarry within the first three years, the odds greatly increase that you will remain single the rest of your life.”

  • “My first three years of grief were astoundingly difficult… but all of the-great-pain-in-my-world did not drive me in to another man’s arms when I was simply longing to be in Loren’s arms.  Ethically and morally that would’ve been wrong at every level.”
  • “I will never settle.  If that means being alone, so be it.”

“There will never be another Loren and the love you two shared, but you can find another man to love, Julia….the love may feel different but life can be better than it is now.”

  • “As I said earlier, my idea of a complete fulfilling marriage is more than just having a warm body to lay next to at night.”
  • “I’m not sure I want to expend the energy that it took for Loren and I to reach the glorious melding of the heart, spirit, mind and emotions…you know, that point where the ‘two actually DO become one’.  I’m logical enough to know that this doesn’t happen overnight and at times never happens.”

(to be continued at a later date…………..)

WIDOW BRAIN and How To HELP the WIDOW WITH It

Death, Fears and the Widow, Grief, grief at 4 years, grief in the workplace, How To Help Widows, Loss, Miscellaneous, New and Seasoned, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, Widows and their Adult Children, Widows Managing Finances

At first, I thought I was losing it.  Or did I blame it on the shock of Loren’s unexpected death?  Amongst the searing pain with the never-ending adjustments of living without him,  I couldn’t put my finger on it… but how DOES someone identify something they’ve never lived with before…. this foreign symptom….how DOES a person have the where-with-all to even TRY to concentrate enough to process what is happening to them?  who can even verbalize it?….the heart and the body simply hurt too much.

…in complete honesty… I had been laughingly (slight humor remained in me) excusing myself with these two words… especially when with the people I felt safe with….just hoping that others, who didn’t fit in that category, didn’t notice the deficits.

WIDOW.  BRAIN.   Yes, I was an organized person AND I still ~ LEGITIMATELY had “WIDOW BRAIN”:

  • Forgetting to show up to a hair appointment
  • Having the oil changed in one of the cars 2,000 miles TOO EARLY
  • Forgetting to get a monthly venom allergy shot
  • Forgetting how to jump start a vehicle, how to start a generator
  • Inconsistently eating full meals and drinking enough liquid
  • Making out-of-character-for-me errors during Bookkeeping
  • Taking twice as long, at my job and at home, because I knew I needed to double-check all organizational and financial responsibilities for accuracy

PRACTICAL WAYS the Widow can combat her “WIDOW BRAIN”:

  • Keep a “to-do” list in a chosen place where you will often pass by it
  • Create an area where you will have easy access to your combined random notes
  • Write down important thoughts/future events immediately before you forget
  • Carry a Planner (Calendar and Notes) in your purse when you leave the house
  • Use your Calendar App in your cell phone for reminders
  • Every few days, compare your multiple “to-do lists” to make sure they are in sync
  • Journal ideas and insights (they will be few and far between in the 1st year of grief)
  • Get out of bed before 6:30 each morning and eat immediately
  • Be consistent with a new well-rounded routine, 7 days a week

PRACTICAL WAYS the Friends of the Widow can assist her:

  • Lovingly ask if she has eaten today
  • Lovingly ask if she is sleeping at night and taking a short nap each day
  • To jar her memory (per chance she has forgotten appointments) ask if there are scheduled Appointments she needs to be taken to

PRACTICAL WAYS Adult Children of the Widow can assist her:

  •  Per chance she is new to sole financial responsibilities, help her establish her new “Now-Budget and Payment Schedule” on paper
  • Per chance she hasn’t paid bills online before, help her learn to navigate it 
  • Ask about the status of the finances every few weeks and help if needed
  • Continue to assist her until Probate and because-of-death-transitions-and-obligations are completed

I’m just grateful I no longer feel the heavy weight of rocks, as in the picture.

NOt a NurSe NoR a PuRSe

Dating and Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, grief at 4 years, healthy boundaries, Loss, Miscellaneous, Nurse or Purse, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, Widows and Marriage, Widows Managing Finances

Absolutely the truth! I have deep sorrow because I will never have a picture of Loren and I holding each other close and dancing at this age.

My Grief Share girlfriends and I often joke how it is our intent to not be a “NURSE or a PURSE “.  We don’t say this out of spite.  For me, these words are out of self-protection and great awareness.

I know this sounds harsh for a widow to say, but the truth is, “There are men out there in the world who are trying to gain from a woman’s loss”.  When my brother in law died I remember hearing Loren warn his sister of those situations.  Two of my eight girlfriends have personally experienced this (Purse) in the past 6 years.  Of course, it could equally be said there are women out there who are happy to gain from a man’s loss.  And yes, I know there are good men in this world…

Should you assume most widows have wads of cash sitting around you are  dead wrong.  The truth is, most of us lost a large percentage of our household income. Even if there might have been life insurance most of us paid off bills with that money.  The circle of widows I hang with do not fit in the category of “Purse”.

When I married Loren at 20 years of age I willingly vowed to love him in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, through happy times and hard times. Not understanding the depth of what all that might entail, both of us fulfilled those vows. Granted, we weren’t always on cloud nine,  but I never lost my sense of commitment towards staying with the man I married, towards working alongside the man I married and enjoying the camaraderie with the man I married.

I was emotionally and devotionally prepared to eventually change his diapers….. whether it be because of illness or old age.  I had loved his body well throughout the years and to care for his future aging-physical-needs would’ve been an honest privilege.

I’ve become quite the people watcher, that is “an-elderly-married-couple-people-watcher”….  I smile as I watch them help each other.  I smile as I watch them communicate with each other, noting how each couple seems to have their own private language.  At 4 ½ years out,  I’m rarely jealous as I watch them.  Honestly, for-the-most-part I feel grateful that my spouse won’t have to physically care for my body as I age.

By now, a variety of people have asked me or said,  “Julia, do you ever think you will remarry?”  “Julia, you deserve to be loved again.” “You are just afraid”.  “I’d feel better knowing you have someone to watch out for you as you get older”. “The love won’t be the same as it was with Loren, there will never be another him, but you can find another love.”

I know I could (quote) “find another person to love”.  I just can’t imagine there ever being another man I’d want to SHARE MY LIFE WITH.  Loren, and our life together, set the bar very high.  Our lives flowed in and out of each other. To live with anything/anyone that would not meet those (dare I say it?)  “expectations / qualifications” would seem like a horrible letdown……plus:

  • I’m not willing to take a relationship risk whereas I was when I was 20.
  • I’ve also learned you don’t really know a person unless you’ve been around them for a few years in multiple life situations so, again, there’s too big of a price (emotionally and for the sake of my kids and grandkids) to take a risk.

Guess I don’t need to worry about becoming someone’s NURSE or PURSE.  Ha.

 

LiViNg Out THE big QUESTION and IT’s FOLLOW THROUGH while FLYING By tHe SeAt of mY pAnTs

decision making, Doing New Things, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, grief at 4 years, How To Help Widows, New Mindsets, unexpected things in life, Widows Managing Finances

In 2016 the Elementary Christmas Concert was cancelled 2x, back to back.   Snow and ice had covered the Willamette Valley. The Elementary School Christmas Concert was finally held AFTER the 2 week Christmas Break!  I was going with the flow….piece of cake to direct-perform with 500 kids who hadn’t rehearsed in 2 weeks. Ha.  Hey, I had survived death.  I knew I could ride it out and I did, because the surprises revolved around music.   But, now the 2019 Holidays are approaching and once more I am starting to recall how those “once-little-things-to-me” now seem to bring higher stress.

Before Loren passed away  I was already making strong progress towards becoming less rigid.  Learning to wing it.  Go with the flow.  Fly by the seat of my pants.  He loved how I had learned to live life well at a moments notice.

Where I’ve now evolved into a “more-eased-person” I’ve EQUALLY discovered DIFFERENT things now bring stressors.   Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised…I’ve been forced to execute life in a new role, so maybe my body and emotions will scream at me in new areas?

  • As of last Thanksgiving, after the meal, I officially resigned from preparing the turkey or ham for future family Holiday meals. Leave me the mashed potatoes, gravy, dressing, sweet potatoes AND a side vegetable but no more main dish!!
  • As of the 2018 Christmas season, I officially resigned from baking the majority of the favorite goodies for our gatherings.  I needed to “share the wealth” and I must say my kids are stepping up to the challenge.
  • (I’m still looking for more ways I can share those duties that moms are expected to do…)

Many times,  I’ve had to ask myself,  “IS  THIS  A  LIFE  OR  A  DEATH  SITUATION?”  (in comparison to my 20 minute attempt to revive him when he died).

IF IT DOESN’T FIT IN THAT   “Is it a life or a death situation”   CATEGORY,  I then:

(1)  determine to give full necessary attention to it (being a good steward of my investment)

(2)  have a few long hard laughs about the irony of the situation (all of the CRAAAZY things happening  AFTER  Loren passed)

(3)  sarcastically saying, “ It’s  ONLY  $ ” (when in reality it’s killing me to pay for it)

(4)  all the while doing my best to de-stress myself and maintain some gratitude for God’s provision and care for me

Frankly, IF I believed in bad luck I’d be saying,  “I’ve had LOTS of  ‘bad luck’  since Loren died”.    But the reality is, things need replacing or repair from normal wear-n-tear & age.

In both September and October 2019, I’ve had to rehearse “The QUESTION and IT’s FOLLOW -THROUGH”:

  • I was without water for 5 days…my underground one mile water line broke (SOMEWHERE between the Community Water hookup/meter along the highway… back to my home… the distance of one mile…up hill…down hill…through the forest…through a field)… Two Businesses / Professionals doing some of the diagnostics and labor…sons doing some of the back breaking labor….with me overseeing all of it plus experiencing some back breaking labor. Job completed.
  • Drip.  Drip.  Drip….then gush,  down my one interior log wall.  Discovering I had deteriorating, torn composite shingles, in one specific valley,  on the 16 year old roof.  Repair possible and completed.
  • The 40 year old Gas Furnace in the rental gave up the ghost. No repair possible because parts were obsolete.  Job completed.
  • The Electric Heat Wall Unit in the studio gave up the ghost. No repair possible.  Job completed.

I’ve actually pondered the validity of moving to a NEW house/property EVERY 10 years….that is, before pesky repairs start to be necessary…  yet that is not a viable option for me, financially or emotionally.  I’ll just keep rehearsing “THE QUESTION and IT’S FOLLOW-THROUGH” and continue practicing the art of flying by the seat of my pants… all while hopefully having a good dose of wisdom.

 

 

BECoMiNG FREE from GRiefS CHRONIC FEAR

Christian Widows, decision making, Doing New Things, Fears and the Widow, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, grief at 2 years, grief at 3 years, grief at 4 years, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets

 

About a week ago I suddenly realized I no longer live under the chronic fear that has accompanied my experience with grief.  In a far earlier Juliawasson.com blog I had touched on this topic, then quoting C.S. Lewis, “GRIEF FEELS LIKE FEAR”.  His experiential statement had initially surprised me yet I could identify with his declaration….it was evident that fear certainly was sandwiched between the multi-layers of upheaval in my life.

As I reflect, I can now categorize key fears and their movement in yearly increments:

1st YEAR: 

Fear of living without my love, my spouse of 37 years

Fear of making big sole decisions (business and personal)

Fear to trust myself (not having my partner, someone to talk things out with)

Fear of the dramatic exhaustion, extreme brain fog and overall malady

2nd YEAR:

Fear that I may be forced to change my life

                Fear because of acute recognition of losing 70% of income

               Fear because sorrow had bombarded me in heightened force (the shock had worn off,  also finding that the 2nd’s were equally as hard as the 1st’s)

Fear,  while wondering if my body could hold up to the physical rigors brought on by mourning

                Still, not trusting myself in sole decision making but slowly feeling better

3rd YEAR:

Choosing to continue living at the same place, clearly understanding the cost of doing so

Still experiencing great emotional loss from losing my best friend but starting to trust myself

Having enough widow-under-my-belt-experience to know “I can do this”

Fewer fears

4th YEAR: 

Starting to enjoy the challenges of sole business decision-making

               NEW  fear of wondering if available finances can carry me another 20 plus years

                A sense of freedom and tranquility more-often-than-not

Energy level returning

                A heightened emotional and physical awareness when any “first level apprehension” surfaces (me never wanting to return to the paralysis that intense grief brought)

               Purposing to re-train my emotional and physical responses BEFORE  fear sets in

 

I believe I will always grieve the loss of losing Loren but I’ve decided I can no longer live with THE FEAR that CAME with the GRIEF.  

Please go to the attached link and listen to my anthem,  a song by Lauren Daigle,  “PEACE  BE  STILL”.

 https://youtu.be/dUpKZz0Nm7c