Category Archives: Family

TOP 10 THINGS I’M DISCOVERING AT 21 MONTHS

Children, Death, Faith in God, Family, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous

cropped-Julia-56-years-old.-February-2014.jpg

Since his passing I’ve learned positive things.  Things that can contribute to my overall growth as an adult woman.  I am learning to be content without him. I’ve also discovered sorrowful things, but I am focused on pushing through this grief…to not just circle around the grief and avoid the deep pooled places.  Because I believe.  Eventually.  In time.  I will come out on the other side.

TOP 5 POSITIVE THINGS I AM LEARNING:

  • Love is eternal.  As the famous song from the movie Titanic says, “In my heart you’ll always go on.”  It does.  He does.  In my heart.
  • I’m stronger than I knew. Loren periodically told me, “Julia, you know more than you think you do.” In the areas where he was strong I had let him lead.  He was right.  I know more than I thought.  I am strong.
  • Our 4 children are a direct reflection of he & I. Even though they are strong individuals of their own worth, I look in to each of their eyes and see him.  Pictures of him.  Moments of him in increments of time.
  • My circumstances do not  hold the power to alter the character of who God is.
  • People haven’t changed. It’s me who has changed. The Julia “B.D.” (before his death”) vs the Julia “A.D.” (after his death).  I’m still learning what all of this means….

 

TOP 5 MOST DIFFICULT THINGS I AM LEARNING:

  • After 21 months out I am suddenly “on my own” in the grief journey. The truth be told, by this time many only miss him because they recognize the void in my life.
  • Not even my girlfriends, who are widows or grieving over their loved ones, can completely understand my loss.  We desperately want to understand each other ~ we try.   We reach out in support. At times afraid to be candid about our low, dark times.
  • Sometimes humans cannot bear each others pain.  My kids, my family & friends cannot cure that deep impenetrable hole, that tunnel, where I at times feel lost…even suffocated.
  • Sometimes I feel EVEN GOD cannot cure that deep impenetrable hole.
  • New, additional losses keep appearing. For example, his scent on his robe is still strong.  But the fresh memories associated with that robe are fading.  I’m afraid I’ll lose those special memories.  That scares me.

Even in all of this, I know I am moving forward healthily.  I’ve not avoided my grief. I’ve not denied my Faith and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.  I’ve not deterred the grief in drunkenness, men, overeating, or overspending.   I know myself ~ that I am a truth seeker ~ that I must face my reality head on.

And I know the day will come when this grief – reality – mission can be laid to rest.

“So, God I thank You.  In the eye of the storm You still see me. “

 

ELTON JOHN and TRYING TO RETURN TO MUSIC with THE SUN GOING DOWN ON ME

Grief, Marriage, Miscellaneous

Blindsided.  While returning to old territory, that is, returning to music.  Maybe again finding the creative Julia, that part of me that wrote music, that part of me that was deeply stirred by music.

Today I watched an Elton John concert that I had pre-recorded.  My body loved the rhythm. I was again enamored with Elton’s astonishing piano skills, his song writing skills.  I was caught up in the sheer talent of the musicians. But, emotionally I wanted to run.  I wanted to turn my TV off.

But at 21 months out I forced myself to sit through the 60 minute concert. I forced myself, for my own good.  A knife may as well have been inserted, pulled back, then pushed through my flesh further, back and forth.  The killer song was DON’T LET THE SUN GO DOWN ON ME. “…like losing everything, is like the sun going down on me.”  Just one song.  Creating heightened searing pain and yet enjoyment.  A tangled mixture.

I know many do not understand me.  But Loren understood me.  He understood me, as the musician.  He tolerated me, as the musician.  He adored me, as the musician. That was his first draw towards me.  Hearing me sing a song I had written while he attended a concert where I was performing. It was after that concert that he approached me and introduced himself to me.

My first gift from him was a new piano, the same acoustic piano that my piano students use in my music studio.  Early in our marriage he would ask me to play and sing for him.  In his perfect world I would’ve done that every day, just for him.  I now so regret I hadn’t made more effort in our busy lives. Thankfully, in our final years I would take the time to sit down and sing some of his favorite songs, those songs I had written about he and I.  Two songs I had written for our wedding, the one song I had surprised him with singing from the grand piano, the other song he and I sang as a duet at our wedding.

12 years ago he surprised me; Loren had purchased an old grand piano from the Beaverton School District, had it restored and it now proudly sits in the great room.  It was his 25th wedding anniversary gift to me.

Loren’s greatest surprise gift ever was Valentine’s Day 2013.  He had taken the time and made the effort to memorize John Legend’s song, ALL OF ME LOVES ALL OF YOU.  We were in our motel room in Seattle. He had started singing the song to me Acapella.  The entire song, while looking in to my eyes ~ without breaking his gaze.   I broke down and cried.  In the past it had always been mIMG_0664 (1)e singing for him. This time I was his private audience. I loved it!  Until the day he died he knew how I cherished it.

Maybe I will never write music again.  Maybe I will never perform privately for another man.  Maybe that part of me has died with him.  And maybe that is OK with me…….

WISHING I HAD THE BUFFER OF SHOCK and HOLIDAYS and GOING THROUGH MOTIONS

Family, Grief, Holidays and Grief

When my brother Dennis Gingerich (pastor, blogger and photographer  http://Gingerich PhotoArt ) set up my website he suggested I post a blog on a scheduled basis.  Even though my heart is not in to writing a blog this week I will go through the motions and write this.  It’s also been requested that I video another “putting up the Christmas tree with the grand daughters while we sing Christmas carol’s” and again post it on IMG_0541Facebook.   Time will tell if I follow through with that request.

This is the first Christmas in 58 years where I’ve felt such sadness.  Last year had its times  of trepidation, but I had that wonderful, glorious buffer of shock along with some Dr prescribed medication to help me through the first year of loss.  Last year I also had that wonderful sense of feeling Loren’s presence in the house.  The 1st Christmas certainly bore heavy sorrow but I’m finding this Holiday season is far more difficult.  How dare I wish I had the buffer of shock this year?  I also don’t wish the help of more medication because I’m healthily plodding through the process….

At 20 ½ months out there is no form of denial in me.  There is no form of disbelief.  I know he is gone and never coming back. There simply remains this deadening, looming, hollowness…as far as that part of the Christmas experience that Loren & I celebrated with each other.  Whether a married couple is aware of this or not, they have their rituals. They have their patterns.  They have their special attentions that they give each other on Holidays.  My children nor any other person can ever replace what my husband and I had, what we shared on Holidays.  We had shared 37 Christmas seasons together.  Very, very  happy seasons for us.

 But, for the sake of making sure my children and I share our improvised level of happiness and continued life together as a family, we WILL gather for Christmas in the log home.  For the sake of making sure the grand children have a happy Christmas, they WILL open gifts at my house.  For the sake of making sure some traditions are carried forward, the grand daughters and I WILL bake Christmas cookies tomorrow.  For the sake of making sure some traditions are carried forward, the grand daughters WILL decorate the Christmas tree tomorrow (…now, this years tree is a fake tree ~  not a tree that Loren & I cut down from the property. He refused to have a fake tree since we lived in a log house,  however this year I  had to resign that tradition….there are some things I can’t do by myself).

“So, God.  This is all so new to me.  I feel like I’m a sniveling brat when I voice the sorrow.  When I am honest in my writing.  Help me walk the path of being honest and transparent all the while embracing God’s goodness in my life as it is now.  God’s goodness towards me and in me.  Amen.”

I’M MOVING and PROMISES

Death, Faith in God, Family, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

You could say I had been FROZEN.

Then I was STUCK.

SPEAKING OF STUCK………that makes me think a few years back when Loren and I, out of sheer necessity, were cleaning out a 2 1/2 feet deep water, silt-filled, mucky culvert in the back 40.  We each had shovels and knee high rubber boots on.  Well, we long ago learned to never go into a creek-line together, especially near a culvert,  so the other could pull ‘em out if needed.  Well, I sank in silt-mud up to my knees.  I was caught.  Loren yanked on me from the edge.  Neither boot of mine would budge.  We were laughing hysterically. Using his shovel, he tried to create pockets of air around my feet.  I was still stuck.  He cautiously stuck one foot on the edge of the creek-line to gain some leverage.  He started to sink.  He became stuck too. Our shovels were basically useless other than good handles to lean on. With much deliberate effort, we slid our feet out of our rubber boots and then crawled out of the muck. We were in wet, thick mud up to our elbows,  entire legs and bellies.  We never Sheridan-20121009-00096could retrieve my one stuck boot until the following summer after the water receded.

SOME MAY SAY I AM STILL STUCK because:

  • At 20 months-out-to- the-day, I’m still very much in love with my deceased husband. My heart is with him.
  • I love my life living in the home we built and shared.
  • I have no desire to change my residence or the memories that surround me at the ranch.
  • I’m not looking for another life with anyone else.

 

But, I SAY I AM MOVING FORWARD because:

  • I have found meaningful friendships. There is a lessened void.
  • I can now immerse myself in Biblical devotions and apply Truths without dwelling on grief.
  • I can now drive to church on Sunday mornings without the hot, flowing tears.
  • I can now eat in a restaurant by myself without feeling severe loneliness.
  • I no longer cringe when I hear the words “widow” and “single”. I AM those two words and I AM “OK” with it.  To refuse those labels would be a form of denial.  I feel it is my job to face this portion of my life head-on.  To live through it.  To live it out and learn to be content in it.  Whether I like it or not, I’ve been thrown into a new season.

Furthermore the truth is, every one of us will at some point in our life face a deep level of despair.   Every one of us will at some point feel like our world has fallen apart.  Every one of us will at some point question God’s goodness.  God never promised us a rose garden.  But, God does promise He will be with us.

“So, God, I’m thankful I’m no longer frozen.  I’m even thankful I can feel pain. I’m more thankful I’m not running from being alone and loneliness.  Thank you for the journey of contentment.  I thank You for helping me discover new things about myself.  Amen. “

MISSING THE GUYS, ALONE-NESS, and RESPECTING OTHER MARRIAGES

Faith in God, Family, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

I miss hanging with Loren at the coffee shop.  I miss hanging with him while he’s talking with buddies about repairing quads, finding car or farm equipment parts, or solving the world’s problems. I miss hanging with Loren while we run into Skyberg Hardware to purchase farm supplies. I miss the drivers and dispatchers from Winco.  I knew some of them and their wives for 30 years. I miss the life of big equipment and trucks.  The list goes on.  But sometimes life’s circumstances insist we adjust……

1. ACCEPTING THE NECESSARY CHANGE OF MALE FRIENDSHIPS

99% of Loren’s male friends are married men who are concerned for my well-being.  Non-the-less, the dynamics of our relationships have dramatically changed. 

And the change HAD to happen. It’s all about wisdom.  Reciprocation.  Honoring another man and his wife.  Honoring their relationship and never doing anything to impede on that marriage’s well-being.   I would expect the same if the situations were reversed.  See, I’ve long witnessed needy single women hanging on to solid married men.

So, I now sit on the other side of the restaurant when I go in to Coyote Joe’s.  I often wave and say hi to the guys but no longer sit amongst a group of 6 – 10 men. Periodically one or two might give me a quick side hug and ask how I’m doing.

2.  ACCEPTING MY IDENTITY

Changes.  Changes. They feel magnified this fall/winter.  In reality, I’m not excluded. I’m blessed to live in a small town where I’m known because of my job with the School District along with owning and operating my Music Studio.   I’m blessed to live in a small town that knew Loren and I as joint business owners.  I’m blessed to live in a small town who knew Loren as the School Board’s Chairman.  Because we supported our local businesses, people knew us.  I’m still known.  I’m blessed.

3. EMBRACING  NEW FRIENDSHIPS

Loss dwells in me.  But I have been pro-active by becoming a part of a social circle of other single Christian ladies.  Sharing the same ugly loss.  Monthly we get together to laugh like young girls, eat a meal, shed a quick tear, and inevitably tell our most recent crazy stories that life has thrown at us.  I can’t imagine life without these precious friends.

4. RECOGNIZING WE ARE DESIGNED FOR COMPANIONSHIP

One thing I have learned.  We are designed for companionship.  God knew what He was talking about.  We are not meant to be alone.  However, I’m not convinced I want to re-marry.  My life is full with my family, increased responsibilities of maintaining the ranch,  and a job that puts me smack dab in the middle of 480 kids. Then there’s the biggest contributing factor in my thought process:  I still am very much in love with Loren. My heart is with him.

“So, God, so far I have made solid choices.  I’m going to keep listening to that still small voice in my heart.  Listening so I can stay in the center of Your will, because that is where I want to remain.  With You.  Amen.”

(BTW.  I may very well write a blog about the many reasons why not to remarry.  ha.)

WHAT I’VE LEARNED ABOUT MARRIAGE AFTER MY HUSBAND’S PASSING

Children, Death, Faith in God, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Marriage, Miscellaneous

We ended up with the story book marriage but I’d be lying to say our 37 year marriage didn’t have rough patches, daunting flaws. It’s my opinion a high percentage of marriages are just like mine was. Far less than perfect. At times highly exhilarating. Satisfying but exhausting. As a widow, I’ve been purposing to reminisce, to recall, to honestly re-visit “us”.  That is, looking at Loren and my marriage from every angle, every side.  I’m now  learning to apply that “19 -month- out- understanding” so I can continue with this process.  That grief process.

My marriage was exhausting because:

  • It took effort to give up selfishness.
  • This image was captured the day after Loren's Celebration of Life.
    I feel this picture describes many marriages, even Christian marriages.

    It took effort to actively cleave to my spouse (as if climbing a steep mountain).

  • It took effort to maintain the “we are a team” spirit.
  • It took effort to continue learning about him, that is, what his new developed hobbies might be. (Because he had so many varied interests  it took me a long time to embrace that idea).
  • It took effort to “pick our battles”.  There will always be things that aggravate you about your loved one.

My marriage was exhilarating because:

  • My greatest highs / peaks were with Loren (wedding, children’s births, vacations, special events, our intimate times).
  • I had someone who put me first before anything else.
  • I had someone who challenged me to try new things (racing at the Drag Strip, becoming an NRA instructor, driving dump truck and log truck).
  • I had someone to communicate with. To discuss life with.  To develop ideas with.  To dream with.

My marriage was satisfying because:

  • We were seeing the rewards of commitment, the fruit of our labor and effort in our marriage.
  • We were providing stability for our grown adult children and our grandchildren.
  • We were relishing our empty nest years together. Finally, again having time to ourselves, as if newlyweds.

Some of the harsh realities I am just now starting to “mull over” are:

  • Even with Loren being gone, I’m still me. An aged version, a changed version, but still me.
  • I didn’t find my ultimate happiness just because he was my spouse.
  • My self esteem wasn’t determined by what my spouse thought of me.
  • My husband couldn’t ultimately meet my spiritual needs. He also couldn’t ultimately hinder my spiritual growth.
  • I was the one who backed off and let him take over certain responsibilities when, in reality, it would’ve been better if we would have taken turns in a greater variety of responsibilities.  Doing that, adjusting to becoming a widow might’ve been easier.
  • I can’t use this widow situation as a cop out for losing momentum in life.
  • I mustn’t give in to the lie that life will forever be incomplete without Loren.  (I’m still pondering this thought because my heart tells me something very different).
  • I can’t bury myself with him, even though I initially wanted to die with him.

“So God. I’m gaining some perspective.  I’m not sure how it all goes together so please guide me.  Amen.”

He said, “Your husband…..”

Children, Death, Family, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

This morning my chiropractor, whom I see every 6 months or so, made a statement to me, starting his sentence with the words, “Your husband……”  See, Loren had been a patient of Dr. Holton also, along with our daughter Brianne having been a childhood friend of his oldest daughter, Elizabeth.  Hearing the words “your husband” immediately brought a rush of warmth and calm to my heart and body.  Hearing those words equally brought quick, hot tears that burned my eyes and cheeks.

But, I welcomed those quick, hot tears because someone remembered him.  Someone spoke of him.  Someone referred to Loren and my life together.  Someone remembered him as my husband.

And it is well with me that Loren and I always be remembered together! Loren & Julia  Of course, he was his own strong – willed person full of wit and sarcasm.  I’m my own strong-willed person, too.   But we grew together.  We merged in to one together.  Merging into one was not an easy task for us.  But we accomplished it, together, as a team.  We had that “forever connection”. 

I’m grateful our marriage didn’t end in a painful divorce.  In our 37 years we went through periods of time where a wall of unspoken distance loomed. Even though we very much loved each other, there were periods of time we were not even friends…. lovers & raising a family together, yes.  But not close friends.  I have a life-long friend who is now walking through her own immense grief and pain because her husband has left her for another woman after 40 years of marriage.  THAT is pain.  THAT is the epitomy of grief.  Her layers of grief are different than mine, but nonetheless horrific.  Excruciating.  Haunting.

I’m forever grateful that Loren and his graduation to heaven happened in a season of renewed love.  I’m forever grateful our separation happened in a season of much companionship.  Happened in a season of close friendship, a season of undeniable commitment in heart, soul and body with multitudes of “I love  you’s” spoken to each other without restraint.  Unabandoned carefree love as happy empty nesters.  Unabandoned commitment.

Today Dr. Holton said, “Your husband….” Because of Loren’s passing I recognize we legally are not husband and wife but those 2 words are music to my ears for in my heart and mind Loren continues to be just that.  My husband.

JUST A LITTLE BIT, JUST A LITTLE BIT

Death, Family, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous
Another change is coming! Fall, my favorite time of the year.
JUST A LITTLE BIT, JUST A LITTLE BIT…I’m happy a new season has arrived.

Every day I laugh just a little bit, just a little bit.  Every day I smile just a little bit, just a little bit.  Every day I accept my life just a little bit, just a little bit.  Most days I cry just a little bit, just a little bit.

But, as fall has arrived, as the leaves are changing colors, as some dead leaves have already fallen from the trees ~ I feel a change within me.  I wish I could identify the change.  To label it.

I welcome the change all the while hanging on to what was. I welcome the episodes of happiness all the while hanging on to my sorrow, the friend that I have become well acquainted with.  Ol’ Sorrow, that friend whom I’ve lived, even communed, with these past 18 months. Ol’ Sorrow, the partner I’ve shared my life with since my husband has gone.

“So, Lord,  the Scripture says when You start a work in a person You will complete it to the very end.  I can’t imagine how this will end up looking because I relished my world with Loren and the picture I was a part of.  I’m just now willing to even consider opening up my eyes.  So teach me to pray  just a little bit, just a little bit each day.  Teach me to trust  just a little bit, just a little bit each day.”

CRUISING, LISTENING and OTHER FIRSTS

Grief, Marriage, Miscellaneous

Today I took my shiny bright red Dodge Challenger out for a cruise.  The first time I’ve taken it out for a drive without someone sitting in that other bucket seat.  While cruising,  I listened to two  “love song CD’s” for the first time. They were CD’s Loren & I had made for each other.   One of the two I had just created for him, that is, 45 days before he passed away ~ it was a 2015 Valentine’s Day gift.

I was ready.  It’s 17 months and I’m just now ready to listen to those songs.  Some of the songs made me laugh audibly.  See, there were hidden meanings in those songs that only he & I understood.  Those meanings that only long-time lovers understand.  Some of the songs made me sob.  Sobbing for reasons only a person who’s lost their true love would understand.  But that was O.K.   Today that was O.K.  I was ready. I was ready to listen to those CD’s.

There are two more CD’s that we made for each other.  I’ll need to listen to them another time.  I’m not ready.  I’m in overload emotionally.  But, I’m good where I’m at.  To purposefully submit myself to more sentiment would be sheer foolishness. I’m learning.  Learning to pace myself with grief.  Learning to pace myself in life!

I’m feeling proud and content with myself.   Content that I braved it to drive “that car”, his gift to me on Valentine’s Day 2014.  Content that I braved it to listen to a portion of “our songs”.

BUT,  there are more “firsts” yet to come:

  • Bury his ashes in our burial plot
  • Shoot some of his ashes out of his shotgun, first (his long-time requested wish)
  • Watch the entire video of Loren’s Memorial Service
  • See if I can figure out how he organized his shop
  • Go a step further, as far as doing more specific things with his clothing

But I’m not ready and there is no rush nor do I let expectations from others dictate when the right time is.  These are all things I will want to do.   Yet, I’m blessed my 4 children are not pushing me.  I’m blessed my situation does not force me to move quickly.  In time.  In time it will happen.

“So, Lord, I thank you that You help me move forward step by step, bit by bit.  The scripture says, “In Your time You make all things beautiful”.  I don’t see beauty yet, but I do see Your hand… how You slowly nudge me forward in baby increments.  Keep nudging me because I’m not prone to take leaps.”

TIME and GRANDKIDS with GRIEF

Children, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

This past weekend I enjoyed 4 of my 6 grandchildren, ages 13 months to 10 years old, at my home.  I always look forward to time with them.  Time with me, I’m aware, that won’t always be readily available as they get older and become more involved in extra-curricular activities.  Midst the hugs and contentment, I shed more tears than I’ve shed in prior weeks combined. I did my best to conceal my tears because I don’t want to ruin their time when they come out to the ranch.

I grabbed on to the time with the kiddos and purposed to cement wonderful memories into my heart and brain. Mental pictures and literal pictures.  Yet, time with the grandkids was equally painful this time ’round.  Adeline is stretching up.  Olivia is growing too fast.  Ireland also. Lincoln seems to change from day to day.   And my greatest pain is that grandpa is missing out on these changes.  His grandchildren brought him deep joy.  Because Loren and I didn’t do the greatest job parenting our 4 children as a team, we, as a couple, relished our 2nd chance…this time as grandparents…having more wisdom of what to do and what not to do.6DG_3857

The grandkids and I kept our routine.  Ate Cinnamon Crunch cereal.  Oreo’s.  Ate at Coyote Joe’s.  Popcorn at 10 p.m.

  • I also danced my heart out with the girlies. Just like Loren and I used to do with the girlies.  To our favorite BEE GEE’S CD.  That was the first time the crushing sorrow hit me on Saturday.  Even then I wondered how I could have so much fun with them while the wind was being knocked out of me….that blow from death.  That unrelenting blow that collides into your heart first, then overtaking the body and the energy.
  • Olivia reminisced how she was “grandpa’s little woodcutting helper”. She reminisced about helping grandpa measure each piece of firewood at a perfect length.  She’s also very proud she was the one who helped him sort brass.
  • Adeline reminisced how “grandpa would sneak some of her blueberries” when they were eating dinner. She reminisced how he liked to grab bites of food here and there whenever we were in the kitchen.  Plus she loved how he would be the one who would cut her waffles or pancakes.
  • Then at bedtime we prayed. This time both Adeline and Olivia asked me,  “Grandma, will you pray and tell Grandpa “hi” for us in heaven?” I just about choked.  But, with childlike faith we prayed.  I asked Jesus to tell Grandpa “hi” and let him know we all love him and miss him. I’m still crying over this prayer request. Might be for a great while.

“Dear God, I hope in time every Birthday party, every Holiday, every event spent with the grandkids won’t always bear this level of pain. Help me to adjust to happiness and sorrow co-mingling.  Dangling in between is a hard, hard place to be.  I want to be free of this ‘in between place’ so I can be happy like the children. “