Category Archives: Family

20 Reasons to Never Re-Marry, ETC

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, Humor in widowhood, identifying positive things, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Miscellaneous

 

Even though the person who created this quote made a typo, I love this!

Many might say I have a sick sense of humor.  The truth is, Loren and I shared the same sense of humor.    Should I have passed first you can bet Loren would’ve came up with the 20 reasons about me.  Ha.  Fact.

At 3 years and 7 months out, I’m learning to look at life through new lenses.

Ah, the things I did for love and the things I did begrudgingly, as his help meet.

 

 

THUS, MY 20 REASONS WHY TO NEVER RE-MARRY!

1)   Never again must I need to wipe small splats of urine off the toilet rim.

2)  Never again must I need to bake chocolate chip cookies weekly.

3)  Never again must I need to be sure his Winco work shirts are perfectly clean.

4)  Never again must I need to perfectly match his socks.

5)  Never again must I make an emergency trip to the pharmacy to pick up his RX (that he was supposed to pick up the day before).

6)  Never again must I pick up toenail clippings that accidently missed the garbage can.

7)  Never again must I pick up a wadded piece of paper that didn’t hit the target.

8)  Never again must I sweep sawdust falling from the blue jeans and suspenders he had been wearing when outside cutting firewood.

9) Never again must I help a man who had side line businesses that include the wife helping him 5 – 10 hours each weekend.

10)  Never again must I tell him to get off Facebook during a “too-long” sermon at church.

11)  Never again must I ask him to stop playing his solitaire game when I wanted good conversation (while I was driving the Challenger on a Friday date night).

12)  Never again must I need to ask him what he’s thinking if he’s unusually quiet.

13)  Never again must I massage his back and shoulders until my arms and hands ache.

14)  Never again ………… wait a minute.  STOP!  I QUIT!

The truth is this fun little blog has suddenly become very sad.  Hot tears are now flowing.  I’d give anything to have our life back.

Want some wise advice?

  • Hang on tight to your loved one tonight.
  • Kiss him hard (no light pecks here and there).
  • Hug him tightly (none of those light pats on the back).
  • With your spouse, make love fervently.
  • Get caught up in the moment like it’s your last time (no half-hearted stuff here).

And, please don’t think I was his slave OR married to a lazy man.  On the contrary!  He worked 60 – 70 hours a week for Winco and then busted his tail for pleasure along with the projects we enjoyed.  As he slowed down towards his upcoming retirement, Loren did multiple little things for me.  We were having the time of our lives, lovin’ and playing hard those final 7 years.  No regrets!

P.S.      Yes, it’s true that I’m learning how to enjoy life in the present but I’d readily re-marry Loren again.

SECONDARY LOSSES and Sexual Bereavement

Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, Marriage, Miscellaneous, resolutions for the widow, Sexual Bereavement, widowhood, Widows and aloneness

We’ve all seen this “Secondary Losses” Chart.  I had too.   Because I have lost my spouse, I feel there is a missing “sphere/circle” on this chart.

That is,  SEXUAL BEREAVEMENT: “The loss of the mutual coping patterns that develop over a long period of time in a loving, enduring sexual relationship that cannot be fixed or replaced easily”,   written by Dr. Alice Radosh,  Neuro- psychologist from City University of New York.

Well said, Dr. Radosh.  Well said.  Until I inadvertently came across her online article I had not been aware of the actual terminology “Sexual Bereavement” but I most certainly have experienced it.  I was emotionally and physically bonded to Loren for  37 years.  Until one loses that powerful connection with a spouse I’m not sure a person can fully appreciate or understand the magnitude of loss…..

In addition, the British Dictionary describes BEREAVEMENT as: “the condition of being deprived of something or someone valued, especially through death.”

By now I’m sure there are varying reactions from you readers. Possibly, “This topic needs to remain private”.  Some of your thoughts may include, “Find a man.”  “It’s time you move on and get over him.”  Or, “Thank you for being brave enough to talk about this component of widowhood”.

Believe me, my closest widow girlfriends and I periodically discuss the predicament.  We deeply loved our husbands and still love our deceased husbands.

For us, there is no easy solution….for we are governed by powerful memories and the desired continuity of peace from a clear conscience!!!

After 3 years, I’m finally adjusting to the routine of living single, however, it is just now that I am starting to face the hardcore fact  that there are facets of my world that may never again feel “right”.  That realization feels dauntingly painful at times.

I’m just grateful I’ve learned to healthily cope with the adjustments.

“So, God, I’m thankful You’ve given me the grace to stay on course… and the gift of a good dose of common sense.”

DREAMS and the RELATIONSHIP with the DEAD SPOUSE

Christian Widows, Doing it God's way, Dreams of Your Dead Spouse, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, loving your deceased spouse

 

 

I like this quote. I’m not sure if my experiences exactly match this thought.

At 3 years and 6 months out, I feel hesitant to speak about my dreams and beliefs in an open forum.  Even though I have FINALLY adjusted to singleness, there is a beautiful struggle with the art of loving your spouse who has gone on before you. 

In a nutshell, I could say I still have a relationship with Loren, howbeit changed because he is physically absent.

 

I’ve frequently DREAMED OF HIM and have had SIX special dreams of Loren in heaven.  In these six vivid, detailed, colorful dreams I have seen: 

  • He, his father, and brother-in-law Max building houses. I’ve seen blueprints and the framework of the houses.  All three were doing physical labor and actively working together with no physical constraints.  In the two dreams I knew they were “preparing”.

 

  • Within 6 months of his passing I dreamed of Loren walking away, me seeing his backside only, with him holding two children, each one (maybe 2-4 years old) held high on each shoulder. I could not see the children’s faces or features. In the dream I was initially puzzled.  In the dream I suddenly realized he was carrying our two grandchildren who never grew enough in their mother’s wombs to be born full term! (After this dream, the intense deadening, desperate grief lessened in me…. I had grieved deeply how he, the avid grandfather, was missing out on the activities and growth of Olivia and Adeline…he also missing out on grandson Lincoln’s birth).

 

  • Loren standing amongst a massive throng of worshipers, looking upward, as a worship service was occurring. Many angels were at the front of the huge area, as if on a platform, surrounding Jesus, who was standing.  The audience was worshiping and eagerly awaiting to hear Jesus speak. (Here on earth, Loren often expressed how he enjoyed worshiping by watching others worship).

 

  • Loren standing amongst a massive throng of worshipers with his hands lifted straight up towards the sky, elbows not bent, all ten fingers spread wide open, as if he was screaming out his adoration to God in the deepest way he could. (There was no watching others.  He was intent.  Even wonderfully “lost”).
  • Loren standing in a meadow, the grass and flowers were chest height…. it was as if though he had been slowly meandering for a long time. He seemed to have this depth of calmness and serenity that I had never seen while living with him here on earth. I could see and feel he was deeply communing with God, as if he was listening to the details that the Spirit was telling him. (Loren staying still was atypical here on earth. Also the scene in the dream seemed to last for 10 minutes…).

I believe Loren is not dead.  OF COURSE, I know his physical body died.  Stopped.

 But LOREN is alive and well in a place called Heaven with Jesus and the throngs of others gone on before.  In fact, I believe he is more alive there than he ever was here on earth!   What a comfort.  What a joy!

I dare to say there are others of you who have had dreams and experiences after your loved ones have passed….

P.S.  I’ve also had dreams of him coming to me….but, those dreams are too special for me to share via an open forum.  And, yes, I’ve thought I have felt his presence in a room or in the car…especially during the first two years after his passing.  One of my daughters has had two dreams of him watching her and knowing things.  And yes, I’ve talked with my Dr about some of this…  my neurologist told me EVEN HIS MOTHER has experienced these types of things since his father passed away!

TOP 7 Things I LEARNED while MARRIED

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting Grief, Grief, grief at 3 years, identifying positive things, Longevity Marriages, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widows and Marriage

I was married 37 years.  Even though Loren & I knew that death would eventually separate us, we somehow assumed we’d be married a good 60 years before one of us went first.   Or better yet we’d both pass at the same time (but that’s selfish to wish because we have children and grandchildren who’d feel a double loss).  In addition, we came from families whose parents remained married for a minimum of 65 years until one passed.

  We had strong examples.

I’m ashamed to say it took me years to “get it”.   If Loren was here today he’d equally be honest and say it took him “that long” to learn important lessons!

 

THANKFULLY, we LEARNED and EXPERIENCED these 7 things in  our marriage:

 

  • That your spouse wants to be adored. Not worshiped.  There is a difference (every person knows their imperfections….they simply want their spouse to understand them and still deeply love them in their raw status).

 

  • That enduring love is far separate from the initial lust two individuals feel in their early days as a couple.

 

  • That longevity in a marriage can increase the strong chemistry / spark between the two (the fire only burns hotter).

 

  • That accountability to your spouse is not only a safety net but a blessing (being aware of the ins and outs of your spouse’s life is the ultimate gift of care).

 

  • That some “good marriages” take more effort to thrive (it all comes down to the two individuals).

 

  • That each spouse has their own “love language(s)”…and they are usually different (together, Loren and I discovered the book “THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES…the Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman).

 

  • That life is full of consequences. Either full of rewards or full of regrets.

 

Loren and I had finally learned to place undying effort into each other.  We climbed that treacherous, most difficult mountain together….to blend…for two strong individuals to become a team….it took blood, sweat, and many tears.  And we were fully aware we’d need to stay on course with that continuous climb.

Once we tasted the sweetness of deep love we both knew (and lovingly spoke of it) how we would never be willing to settle for anything less!  Until our dying day!

“Our dying day” came sooner than later.

You could say THAT is my problem. I lived the difficulties with him.  I then experienced the deep love between two imperfect people who believed in each other.  Who decided “we” were worth the effort.  I then lived the amazing reward.  With him.

We found a deep lasting love.  I can never settle for anything less.

 

CHOOSING my life SCENARIOS and upcoming WEDDINGS

Children, Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, decision making, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, healthy boundaries, resolutions for the widow, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Marriage

 

 My naïve inexperienced heart-full-of-grief had no understanding of the depth and breadth of changes that might come my way.  That is, the two voicemails, the one letter, and the one email.  From four men.  Two I knew.  Two not.  ALL WITHIN THE FIRST FIVE DAYS of his passing ~ before his Memorial service!  Quite frankly, I was blind-sided, even offended, how these people could be so brazen!  In my heart, I was not a candidate for contact with them or their private messages. They surely didn’t understand Loren and my marital love and commitment.  Nor did they understand the nature of grief!

Simply put, I was not available!  But since Loren has passed, two of our daughters became available.  Brianne married in 2016.  Brenna will be marrying soon.

Watching their newly found love(s) has prompted increased happy reflections of Loren and I while also creating  conflict  ~ amplifying the loneliness. All while I continue the process of learning to be happy. By myself.

 

After much contemplation,  I’ve concluded there are varying scenarios I could live by:

 

The “EASY WAY OUT” scenarios:

  • Date and quickly marry another person (yes, it would certainly relieve the financial adjustments that most widows face but I’m not a big risk-taker. Nor a gambler…nor am I interested in taking on another family…I already have 4 kids and 6 grand kids.  I have a hard enough time spreading my time amongst them)!

 

  • Find male friends for random dinner dates (but I’ve been advised this simply won’t work, long term, especially with my choice to not be sexually active outside of marriage.  And, YES, my girlfriends are awesome but it’s just not the same).

 

  • Shut myself off from the world and become reclusive. Read multiple chick – books to live vicariously through the characters.  Watch multiple movies throughout the week to avoid my life as it is.

 

The “WAY  I’ve  CHOSEN  to  LIVE  it  OUT ” scenario:

  • Keep working to improve myself.  Keep forging ahead even when it hurts.

 

  • Keep serving God with intention by living a principled life,  purposing to be an example of  “WHAT TO DO”  vs being a casualty of  “WHAT NOT TO DO”.

 

  • Keep living my widowhood motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”. ( I learned long ago that I am happiest living with a clean conscience).

 

  • Have LOTS of fun with the right people in the right settings!!!

 

So, if my motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”,  remains my yardstick and compass I determine I will be a wise woman!

  • A woman with no regrets.  With nothing to hide.

 

  • A woman who won’t settle.  Period.

 

  • A woman who can hold her head high with her spirit remaining deeply humbled before her Almighty God, because she alone knows how deep the loneliness struggle can be.

 

“God give me the grace and power to live widowhood honorably and pleasing to You. Amen.”

 

 

 

GRANTING myself PERMISSION at this 3 – year anniversary

Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, grief in the workplace, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, widowhood

I’ve never lived my life in complete chaos as far as spiritual upkeep and running a household goes. As a widow, keeping four spheres spinning to manage my home, my property, work at my job, and run my music studio, I’ve done well enough.

BUT, yesterday I had an epiphany!!

I had not given myself permission to add a higher level of order because the three – year anniversary had not yet arrived!

Two Thanksgivings before Loren’s unexpected passing, our family had sat around the table.  Because months prior our brother-in-law Max had passed, Loren had said to the children and I, “Whenever I die, I want you to keep thus and thus and thus and thus for three years.  If at that point you realize those items no longer hold sentimental value, go ahead and get rid of them.”  Our adult son immediately freaked out when he heard those words.  He said, “Dad, are you sick? Is there something you’re not telling me?” Loren had said, “No, son.  I just very much regret that years back I got rid of an item that my dad had given me when I was a teenager and I now can never get it back.”

Needless-to-say, that casual Thanksgiving Day conversation has been playing in my mind since the day Loren suddenly passed.  I have purposefully remembered his wishes and I most certainly have WANTED to honor his wishes!

But THIS spring…THIS summer…there is an innate need to grant myself more permission:

  • To use more logic than emotion.

 

  • To continue analyzing what works for ME (not just how it worked for WE).

 

  • To consider selling or gifting specific things.

 

  • To continue making the home as a place I now need it to be (ie. If I want a “foo-foo” bedspread in each bedroom it’s A-OK).

 

  • To re-organize his shop so I can find things when I need to find them (ie. his idea of where things should go was not the place I would’ve been inclined to put them).

 

I must admit I feel a sense of freedom to write this, while at the same time,  this topic surfaces much deep pain. It has felt safe, and wonderful, and ever-so-happy (if that’s possible in grief) to keep things as they were…………….”He & I in our own little world….”

I now see, I have been tip toeing through my new normal.  Gingerly making decisions. Second guessing some of my moves. 

But it’s time:

  • To again, with heightened perspective,  take the bull by the horns (whatever that means…).

 

  • To look at my three-years-out life in the face.

 

  • To be bold enough to ask new questions.  See new angles.  See new slants and bird’s-eye-views.

 

  • TO, maybe, TRUST GOD ENOUGH TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE  HE’S IN CONTROL…..

“So, Lord, give me the bravery to follow through with fresh ideas and no longer have a layer of fear.”

P.S.  I’ve just now re-read this blog.  Taking the bull by the horns feels frightening.  Believing God in a far greater capacity seems daunting.  Raisin’ my hand.  Prayer, please! 

The PATRIARCHS IMPACT and EXCHANGES

Death, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, widowhood, widows losing their fathers
summer of 2015, Monday date night
summer of 2015,  dad and I on a Monday night outing.

Three years this month the Patriarch of my children and grandchildren passed.  This same month, 16 days ago, the Patriarch of my birth family passed.  Please understand, the word “Patriarch” does not bother me.  Both my husband and father did not lord the position of “eldest male” over us ~ wife, sisters, daughters, brothers, or sons.

Having witnessed their spirits leaving their earthly bodies, to me, it  confirmed a spiritual act happened as the body ceased to function.

Undoubtedly, Loren’s sudden and unexpected passing brought a high level of shock and distress whereas my 88 year old father’s  passing has not to the same degree.

Either which way, the two most influential men in my life have now left earth.

Both Patriarchs are physically gone.

Somehow, I greet this EXCHANGE with JOY:

  • Because I believe my father, my husband, and other loved ones are reunited and having fellowship with each other, as they often did together here on earth, I find a high level of comfort!
  • Because I believe my father and my husband now have full knowledge of the beautiful mysteries that the Holy Bible refers to, I smile (both men enjoyed challenges and learning)!
  • Because I believe we humans are confined to our limited understanding, to imagine the connection that surely must exist between the Heavens and the Earth gives me a sense of closeness to my loved ones gone on before me (even though we are far apart we somehow are so very close)!
  • Because I am confident my loved ones are more spiritually alive and fulfilled than ever before,  I can only be happy for them!

  I, at the same time, GREET THIS EXCHANGE with  SORROW:

  • Because I know where physical loss occurs a tremendous void will exist.
  • Because I know there will be days my heart will desperately ache for them.
  • Because I have now lost my father, I have lost  another powerful former times relationship with a man.  (Loren, 37 years.  My dad, 59 years).
  • Because I am a bit fearful (having finally crawled out of the deep pit of grief from my husband’s death) I am all too aware of that slippery slope of despair….
  • Because of my humanness , the finality of physical death feels as if it will last  forever.  In Heaven’s eyes,  though, death’s finality is merely temporary..  LIFE HERE IS JUST A FLIT.

MOST SURPRISINGLY,  today,  I GREET THIS EXCHANGE with a level of EXPECTATION. 

Through Loren’s passing I have discovered: 

  • out of sheer fear has come bravery.
  • out of deep loneliness has come the inward consent to enjoy my single self.
  • out of great anxiety has come the decision(s) to not worry.
  • out of the sudden loss of Loren has come my determination to ask this ONE hard question as a perspective baseline: “IS THIS GIVEN SITUATION LIFE OR DEATH?” (simply put: there are some things that do not demand my immediate attention or concern).

I wonder what new things I might glean from now losing the TWO most influential , most- close- to- my- heart men in my life? 


Love you forever, dad and Loren.  Heaven can’t come soon enough.  In the meantime, I press forward.

TRYING TO FIND Julia

Death, Faith in God, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 2 years, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood

blog quoteOn Wednesday I sat with my dear friend and mentor, Mary, and sobbed so hard I could barely breathe.  All while my head throbbed. Exhausting!  At 33 months I have hit another brick wall.

I’ve read the positive quotes and “like” them on Facebook because I know these quotes hold value for me as I pursue peace and happiness.  I’ve read the grief quotes on Pinterest and “pin” them on my wall because they equally hold sentiment and value  as I acknowledge the deep pain I’ve conquered and continue to face.

I’ve listened to Loren’s friends tell me  I deserve to be happy, how Loren would want me to be happy.  They are right in their eyes but only a part of me believes what they say…. yes, I know Loren would be trying to be happy if I had died, but I’m 100% sure he’d still have this deep longing for me and feel great loss….

But I’m simply not ready to embrace  an alternative life, whatever that means.

  • I’m still fragmented. Not whole. Like wood fibers, Loren and I had grown IN to each other.
  • Grief continues to morph into new phases. I heal in one area but something new appears.
  • But, at least I know I am no longer “stuck”.
  • Yet, I’m having a difficult time discovering who the new single Julia is.
  • But I know for my ultimate well-being…to flourish and find my new “God- purpose” in life, choosing to believe God allowed his passing….I must discover who the new single Julia is.

It’s time to fight to grow.

Because the truth is, his death has forever changed me.  What a powerless, even frightening,  way to feel.  But, I’m not a victim even though I periodically feel helpless.

 I must fight.  To grow.

“Ok, God.  H – E – L – P !!!!”

4 Most DIFFICULT, the 4 GREATEST, and the 4 Most DANGEROUS Things and RESOLUTIONS

Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Grief, grief in the workplace, healthy boundaries, Loss, Marriage, resolutions for the widow, widowhood

de894856c2782feed1039635b1aa23e6RESOLUTIONS:  I can’t even BEGIN to think of making a list of resolutions for 2018 yet I know it’s time I take another step towards continued healing.  The following reflections are current candid evidence of my honest attempt towards creating future New Year Resolutions.

The 4 MOST DIFFICULT THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED  are:

  • No longer having my husband to lie with.
  • No longer having someone who thinks I am the best thing that has ever happened to him.
  • Attempting to learn  how to be exceedingly happy by myself…that is, without having your other half to amplify the joys.
  • Discovering how maintaining friendships with multiple friends takes close-to or equal-the-amount-of-time-and-effort it did to maintain a tight close-knit relationship with my spouse/lover……with those friendships not providing the deepest satisfaction that a person finds with their life mate.

The 4 GREATEST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED are:

  • Other than the maintenance and care on the home front and reporting to work,  I can set the course of my other activities.
  • Other than the financial adjustment living  without Loren’s income ALONG with the moral and Biblical guidelines I choose to live by, I can darn well do what I want to do…..(this is VERY unsettling for a gal who had never lived on her own before!)
  • There’s no one to “argue” ~ “discuss life” with,  that is, unless I’m stupid enough to carry on mental discussions within myself over situations I can’t control…..
  • I have the liberty to dress however I want to  dress, even though I know I’d look tons better if I’d pull myself out of the widow-funk and be more stylish and wear some make-up….

The 4 MOST DANGEROUS POSSIBILITIES WHILE BEING SINGLE are:

  • I could easily become self-centered…forgetting how I once stayed engaged and focused in an alive flourishing relationship.
  •  I could easily become my co-worker’s nightmare if I don’t maintain other friendships away from the workplace…all because I’d be expecting my co-worker’s to become a “work spouse” when in reality my position at work only requires me to fulfill specific duties.
  • I could easily become self-absorbed, even feeling anxious or angered when recognizing other people still have their chosen private life, shared with the person they love.
  • At a weak moment I could easily make foolish decisions in the people I associate with ~  ALL because of loneliness and the desire for routine, consistent companionship.

I don’t believe I’ve “crossed in to the danger zone”…but I have faced a few shocking moments where I recognized I had the propensity, even the momentary POWER, to change in to another person…all because of the unwanted devastating loss of Loren.

But, to wander from the  guidance and wisdom in the Bible does not seem desirable for a multitude of reasons…..

And I now wonder if people living in good marriages even  BEGIN to understand the dilemma single people live with.  I certainly hadn’t seen the entire picture.  I surely wish I didn’t have to see this picture nor LIVE in this picture  as I do now.

So, my ONE NEW 2018  New Years Resolution is to continue being candid and honest with myself.  But while in my pursuit for greater peace and the desire to find where I fit,  I so wish I didn’t have to live with the cyclic pain and sadness that this deep loss still brings. 

 

DECEMBER, beautiful POIGNANT December

Children, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Holidays and Grief, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays, widowhood

Four weeks back I had determined  I’d walk the big malls and decorated streets in down town Portland.  I was ready to enjoy new sights and sounds of Christmas in the air.  Excited to try something new with my children.  Simply put, I was ready to add a new tradition to the Holiday season.  That is until I “bit the sidewalk” 4 weeks ago which has left me hobbling on crutches!

At 34 months, I’ve come to realize navigating the month of December is almost as difficult  as the day of our wedding anniversary!  Certainly more difficult than Loren’s birthday.  Even more difficult than Valentine’s Day.  I’ve always known I’m a person who’s easily triggered by memories.

Loren and Adeline sitting on the front row at Willamina Elementary Christmas Concert 2014
Grandpa Loren holding Adeline on the front row at his last Elementary Christmas Concert in 2014

But Christmastime will forever be full of happy memories, with Loren remaining a part of those memories!

  • Our first “impromptu date” was while Christmas caroling in December 1977. I’d just briefly met him a month or two earlier yet he invited me to hop up into his pickup, to ride with him as we  church carolers traveled to different homes in the McMinnville countryside.  After singing we headed back to my parent’s farm for hot chocolate and snacks.  It was that night I invited Loren to “the barn” to introduce him to my horses, to my favorite place to hang out.  It was there we had a get-to-the-nuts-and-bolts conversation.  We were both forthright people if we wanted something.  We both saw something ~ someone(s) that we wanted.    The month of December!
  • Throughout the course of our marriage I learned how the Christmas season held apprehension and unrest for him as a child, even as a teenager. As his wife, I did everything possible to facilitate situations where Loren would learn to experience the Christmas season with expectation, even happiness.  I’m thankful he eventually found that feeling.  He found the pleasures of Christmas.
  • For years we drove around enjoying the Christmas light displays in subdivisions. In December 2014 we had pulled our car over and parked along Main Street in Willamina.  The snow was gently falling.  We sat there a good 30 minutes while taking in the beauty of quiet Main Street with the plenteous Christmas lights strung across the avenue.    Beautiful December.   Full of love and peace.
  • Once we had built our log home in the woods, we annually trekked on our property and found the perfect tree to reside in our home. Cut down by Loren.  Carried by Loren.  Carefully and precisely mounted in its stand, by Loren.  Full of expectation but all for our kids and grand kids who would come experience Christmas day with us.
  • Grandpa Loren and I baked Holiday sugar cookies with our granddaughters, Olivia and Adeline.  Even if grandpa had worked the night before he’d still pull himself out of bed to come in the kitchen and cut the cookie dough with the cookie cutters. December.  Wonderfully – smelling December.  This tradition still continues.
  • Loren, all four children, along with the grandchildren attended every Elementary School Concert I was directing.  The whole clan sat on the front row.  I reveled in the support. This is the first year this has not happened because I requested to not teach music this year.  A sad but necessary and wise decision, to take care of myself.  December.  A new season of change this December.
  • Before opening gifts, each year Loren sat the children and grandchildren down and read a new Christmas story!  Through the  years, he was the one who carefully shopped and selected that new hardback book to read each year.   Sad December…and no one has yet wanted to OR tried to replace grandpa Loren’s role in reading a new Christmas story……..

But come Christmas  the loud music will be roaring.  The “dancing til we drop”, to Bee Gee’s music,  will continue.   The grandkids, grandma, and aunt Brenna (hopefully) laughing and twirling in circles will continue.


And more than anything I’m counting on still feeling his presence……

December.  So full of memories.  O, how I love you.

P.S.   For the 1st time ever,  this weekend I’m taking the grandkids to see THE NUTCRACKER.