Category Archives: Family

HOW to HeLp a NEW WIDOW and a SEasOnED WIDOW

Children, Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New and Seasoned, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships

 

This picture capsulates my first  2 years….not de-railing, but in a now-cold-unfriendly world, in my grief – cocoon, with just enough light to see the immediate day… all while in unchartered wild territory.

I WAS (blissfully) IGNORANT OF THESE  “How to Help a Widow” suggestions BECAUSE OF LACK OF EXPERIENCE. Through the love of the following eleven people I can write this blog:

This blog is dedicated to:  my dad (now passed away), my mom, my sisters Jean and Janelle, Loren’s sister Joyce, mentor and friend Mary,  family friends Marvin and Carole, friend Lorri (now passed away, just 3 months ago), co-widow Eileen, and co-widow Cindy.  These  eleven individuals regularly reached out to me.  These individuals have maintained their individual rhythms throughout the seasons up until now, 4 years and 4 months later.  (My children are not included in this list….only because they have equally borne their own  grief).

 

HOW   TO   HELP   A   NEW    WIDOW:

 

  1. TELL HER you are sorry for her loss. Tell her you are praying for her.
  2. SEND cards. WRITE posts on Facebook that she will see.  Email her.  Text her.
  3. HUG HER.  Let her sob. Just know some widows will love the long embraces…some not….it can depend upon who she is hugging.
  4. UNDERSTAND THAT SHE MAY NOT RESPOND to your thoughts, care and concern (the 1st 4 months are full of rearranging financial matters, so, along with the intense grief, she may lack in the “proper ways” to respond when people have reached out).
  5. TELL HER MEANINGFUL THINGS ABOUT her spouse. Those words will briefly lessen the pain and those words will come back to her mind later when she can smile!
  6. VISIT HER IN PERSON, even if it is just for 15 minutes. Those 15 minutes will help pull her out of her unbearable pain….giving her a brief reprieve….
  7. WHEN YOU ARE VISITING WITH HER don’t be afraid to ask questions…and if she can’t converse much just be there to briefly talk about basic little things… especially in a sudden death, her heart and mind is still stuck back with the event that changed her course of life….
  8. BE WILLING TO SIT IN DEAD SILENCE WITH HER… “dead silence” is OK….because that is her new reality…(just like my list of eleven people they’ll always be cherished for having been willing to share the dead silence with me).
  9. IF YOU WANT TO BRING FOOD, please bring it in/on a disposable dish. Her mind is too confused to remember “more details”…things that were once small for her are now gigantic.
  10. IF YOU OFFER TO HELP HER with something  (ie. those jobs that MUST be done annually), be sure that you follow through and do what you said you’d do (widows often feel afraid…. worrying how certain jobs will get done)!

 

HOW   TO   HELP   A   SEASONED   WIDOW:

  1. Lady friends (dads and brothers, too), SET UP COFFEE or LUNCH DATES with her. Weekly, monthly or quarterly  (this will be a life-line to her).
  2. Ladies (dads and brothers, too), SHOOT HER A BRIEF TEXT EVERY FEW DAYS or so asking how her day is going (this will be a life-line to her….she STILL misses those routine connections that she had with her husband)!
  3. TELL HER ABOUT all-ladies Bible Study Groups (being the only single person in a mixed group still feels unnatural in the best of circumstances).
  4. BE WILLING TO LET HER REVERT to conversations about her deceased husband.
  5. BE WILLING TO REMINISCE about the happy times AND the painful times that she may have had in her marriage (by now she is processing and assessing her marriage….it’s a normal part of the grief process).
  6. IF YOU LIKE TO PURCHASE LITTLE GIFTS, treat her  with one (but don’t do it too much…likely, her finances are strapped and she may feel bad that she can’t reciprocate).
  7. GO SEE A MOVIE or take her along on your errands trip (if your hours are compatible with her work hours).
  8. UNDERSTAND THAT SHE DOESN’T EXPECT YOU TO REPLACE HER HUSBAND but know that  she truly values your effort and willingness to spend time with her.
  9. UNDERSTAND THAT SHE once lived a life full of connection (please know,  just because she works, has kids, and goes to church doesn’t mean she has deep friendships there).
  10. TRUST HER….if she’s wise she won’t cross “those” boundaries and impede on your family time (YOU be the one to set your boundaries first since you have at least one more person to consider).

SLAMMED. Unexpectedly. FEELING Him.

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Dreams of Your Dead Spouse, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grandchildren, Grief, grief at 4 years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, You Are Missing from Me

Sometimes it’s completely unavoidable. That is, the random intense sense of  loss that can slam me.

It all started with a wonderful unexpected vivid dream last week.  I was walking through the great room heading towards the kitchen.  Loren comes around the corner, holding a stacked plate of fresh baked cookies.  He had his huge impish smile on his face….he was thrusting the plate of cookies towards me, wanting me to take the gift he was offering me.  In the dream he never once spoke a word to me nor I to him, but I was quickly reminded of the gleeful generosity he would have when gifting me.  I was immediately drawn to our connection.  I could feel the love.  I woke up.

The next two nights I was  again  dreaming of he and I but I don’t remember the dreams.

However, having these dreams is pulling me back into another time….that I had successfully left…. I thought.

Two days ago I made the “mistake”  of watching the Picture/Music video we had prepared and shown at Loren’s Memorial Service.  I hadn’t watched it in months.  I was invaded with warm thoughtful memories.

Yesterday morning  I woke up, feeling drawn to watch the same video again.  But that time, it slammed me. The memories were not “happy”…. only because it was suddenly too painful to remember.  The sense of separation was searing.

Watching TV couldn’t distract the loss.  Mowing the lawn couldn’t distract the pain.  Paying the bills couldn’t distract the emptiness.  The only thing that saved me was my co-widow friend, Eileen,  randomly calling me….I had been on her mind yesterday…. we met in  Albany for dinner.  THAT is what broke me out of the savage feeling of being caged.

This morning I was outside kneeling….staining the deck.  I swear I felt his presence as if he was standing near me.  I actually looked up to see if he was really there, well knowing I wouldn’t be able to actually see him, but I believe I felt him there.  Hot torrents of tears coursed down my face and neck.  Per chance Loren could hear me, I said, “Don’t EVER stop checking in on me because I was starting to forget how we felt together.”

……and, the truth that I am starting to forget details about him is undeniably tragic…..I  had purposed to never –  ever forget the nuances that made him special.

Those dreams were wonderful vivid reminders but, today,  memories don’t feel like they are enough.  I’m trusting today will be easier since I’m caring for my 4 year old grandson, Lincoln.

“YOU,  Loren,  ARE MISSING FROM ME.”   Even when I’m doing great.  Even at 4 years and 4 months out.

BIRTHDAYS, LIGHTBULBS, and MOMENTUM

Christian Widows, Deceased Spouse Birthday, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, Holidays and Grief, Honoring Your Deceased Spouse, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays

 

Technically, we didn’t even celebrate his Birthday-in-Heaven this year, compared to last years restaurant hopping with the fam by going to two Shari’s Restaurants (Salem and McMinnville, both) within the same day to eat his favorite Marionberry pie.  We didn’t celebrate his Birthday this year, as we did for two Birthdays, by eating his favorite chocolate cake with chocolate icing. One year  I had been in the hospital for 14 days, and it was on Loren’s Birthday that my brother, Dennis, and his wife, Linda, helped me leave the hospital…and drove me to my parents house so I could recover there with extended out-of-state family.  This year, we certainly spoke of Loren’s Birthday and remembered him and, somehow , THAT seemed to be enough.

You could say, “One more light bulb was turned on”…. at least in my heart.

 

INSIDE OF MYSELF,  somehow,  I DIDN’T:

  • Need to PROVE that I miss him
  • Need to DO something to demonstrate my love for him (I did that for years, he was an acts-of-service-kind-of-guy)
  • Need to STICK TO my pre-made plans (I’m starting to feel like I need less control of my circumstances)

The day before his Birthday,  I did not go to town for the Holiday festivities, as planned.  As soon as my eyes opened in the morning, I instinctively knew I’d feel too lonely so I chose to not set myself up  for pain.  Instead, I left the town that I love and drove 60 miles to another family gathering at my cousin’s farm. It was THERE  that I found lots of laughter and great connection with my Kropf cousins, aunt and uncle, siblings, mom and newly-made-friends… and when I arrived home by 11 pm I felt complete and satisfied.

This year I was motivated to (again) continue the tradition of inviting the Gingerich clan out to the ranch to roast hotdogs and marshmallows over an open fire, ride quads on the upper back trails, and shoot ‘em up for hours until dark… (the 1st two years after he passed the kids and I just couldn’t make ourselves follow through with the week-of-his-Birthday-tradition that Loren had started….it’s like we needed the ranch to remain as “our place”…. because he unexpectedly passed away there, our emotional bands were tight and protective….we had shared a life changing crisis there at the ranch, together).

You could say, “Yet another light bulb was turned on”.  This year I discovered how a deeper contentment occurred because I was sharing the ranch.  Interestingly enough, Brenna had asked me, “Did you feel anxious about having all of these people out today?” I gave a quick answer, “No…this felt natural and right”.

This year, it was on Loren’s BIRTHDAY that I admitted:

  • There are some traditions I will want to continue in his absence
  • There are more traditions I may never do again
  • Maybe, just maybe, I’ll become comfortable with new things.
  • Maybe, just maybe, I’ll become brave and take a long  road trip by myself (for me, that’ll be a sign that I’ve conquered life).

All I can say is, “Julia, you’ve come a long way, baby”.

MY Sweet PLACE and Men who this Widow can Count ON

Christian Widows, decision making, Doing New Things, Family, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, Widows working with men

June of 2019 had been the catalyst of re-ignition. That is, reigniting my sense of accomplishment,  especially when sharing it with good men while working on the property.  And boy, it all came back to me….that is, remembering how much I loved working outside with men, even as I had done as a child, wanting to be near my father and two brothers on our grass-seed farm.

 In 2015,  some of my adult children had told me, “Mom, we will come out and help you…just DON’T sell the ranch!!!”  As time has passed, they’ve had well-meaning intentions but the fact is (1) they work full time jobs, some of them work two jobs (2) they have families and/or do not live near me.

 

 I loved working on this land with Loren……actually, it started 30 plus years ago when mowing for Loren’s dad on this exact land…I enjoyed driving the back trails with him as he shared his vision for the property….all while he still owned the undeveloped land that Loren and I ended up purchasing from him.  Afterwards, Loren and I thrived in our pioneering adventure.  To stay on top of the up-keep, two Saturday  afternoons a month (year ‘round rain or shine) we’d each hop on our ol’- farm-work-horse quads, hooked up to trailers, go back into the trails and trim vegetation, shovel out overflowing ditches, gather firewood, and end up sitting on a log somewhere in the forest and talk about random “out there” dreams of special ways to improve the place.

In 2016 I had hired 3 teenage farm boys to help split firewood.  Not only did I have to oversee every minuet thing they did (or didn’t do), I quickly realized my husband had been out-working 3 young whippersnappers at the snap of his fingers.   Thankfully, I had never taken his raw strength and willpower for granted but at that moment I was thrown in to the thoughts of, “What will I do without him here?”

For two years I did my best, mostly with daughters Jasmine and Brenna helping,  (Brianne and Jasper a few times) doing  “the big stuff” (chainsaws, gutters, moss killer on the roofs) that Loren and I would’ve done together.  On my own, I still spray the Round-up, maintain the landscaping, mow the lawns, move wood and do the basic up-keep on the buildings.

BUT,  in 2018 I gave myself permission to STOP FEELING GUILTY  over the need to hire Loren’s two retired friends, Marvin and Dan, to mow the back fields, keep the back trails open, fall blow-down trees, prune trees that are growing over road ways, clean out the culverts,  spray the poison oak and Scotch Broom and the list goes on and on.  Dan can outwork 3 teenage boys at age 65.  Marv is a strong workhorse at age 77.

Loren’s faithful dog, Lucky, who passed away 3 years after him…Lucky went everywhere with us and watched  as we worked.

Simply put, everything feels right when these friends are out working on the ranch with me.  They are good men with beautiful wives to share life with, their children and grandchildren too…those loving relationships to nurture on their home-fronts.

Maybe it “feels so right” because they are long-time friends who have remained friends in Loren’s absence…..men who haven’t cleared out because I am single.    I trust them.   My children know them and trust them.  Most importantly,   my children and the men trust me.  Which is priceless.

It’s THIS that makes peace flow my way…knowing that ultimately everything is alright…knowing I have people on my side in a world that at times still feels harsh.

It’s awesome to have my sweet spot.  My place.

P.S.  Thank you dear father, TF, and my dear brothers, Galen and Dennis, for being the good, dependable men that you are!

FRieNdS and Widows, SHRINES and OpiNioNs. Chapter 3.

Children, Christian Widows, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, grief at 4 years, Marriage, Miscellaneous, Pictures of deceased loved ones, Widows and Friendships
  • “Be careful to not build a shrine of him”.
  • “You have to be careful. Don’t let these pictures become an idol!”
  • “You know, Julia, he’s gone now”.

These exact quotes have been spoken by two causal friends who have visited my home, never having been in my home before Loren passed…..and I might add, friends who have not lost a spouse by death.   And, yes, the vocal opinions are part of the friendship package since these ladies are quite vocal.   🙂

Today, I googled Websters Dictionary for the definition of a shrine.  I am faaaaaar from having “a shrine” because we all know Loren was not diety nor was he a saint.  Now, the definition of “an idol”….there might be something to it….  I grew to greatly  admire, love, and (in a way) revere him….(that’ll be an interesting topic to write about in the future)….

RE:  MY SHRINE:  I have a group of three photos of Loren and I sitting on an end table along a wall.  One, a wedding photo. One, a photo of Loren and I participating in a vow renewal service at church, for multiples of couples, 25 years ago.  The last picture,  Loren and I in 2014. On a wall in a nearby alcove there hangs a very large picture of Loren, the same picture that was at the front of the church during his Memorial Service.

On another end table 4 feet away is a photo of Loren, myself, our children and grandkids….this photo was taken 8 months prior to his passing, amazingly enough, on his 60th birthday.  (Loren had strategically placed this photo so he could see the photo as he walked through the living room towards our bedroom).

On the grand piano, 20 feet away, sits a photo of Loren and his mother (two loved ones who are now in heaven).  There are also photos of two daughters and their weddings, with other random family photos (ALL pictures taken since he’s passed).

Should you visit my home and think I have a shrine, you need to know:

  • A few months before he unexpectedly passed, Loren had been saying, “We do NOT have ENOUGH pictures of our family displayed in our house” (to him, photos on the computer and cell phone were not adequate and I had become lax on displaying photos).
  • Loren was the one who voluntarily went to Goodwill and Target, in one evening, and purchased close to 10 photo frames and brought them home.
  • I then painted the picture frames.
  • We, together, placed pictures of the family in the great room.
  • My husband was a sentimental man. He carried pictures of each of the kids and grandkids in his wallet and proudly showed them to others.

And really, who’s business is it anyways to suggest how many photos a person should or should not have in their home?  Is not my home my place to enjoy?  And (to defend myself) I am not stuck in time (as far as my home goes).  I have redecorated my Master Bedroom.  I have reorganized rooms and am in the process of sorting things, still.  I have brought out pretty things that women typically enjoy (I had them boxed up for years) and now display them in my dining room….and, yes…. an almost smirk-ish smile STILL comes on my face when I think of the “idol and shrine” comments.   But I will choose to continue friendship with these ladies and learn to practice “speaking up”  instead of “reacting” in speechlessness… that is, when I hear random opinions that I wouldn’t believe to be the gospel truth…..for me.

I must tell you, though, Loren would be ELATED that I still have a “shrine” of he and our family.  Makes me giddy happy just thinkin’ about it.  WHY HADN’T I DONE THIS SOONER? 

 

I’m LiVing in 3 WoRLds and Will I Ever FIT IN?

Children, Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Family, Fighting to grow, Grandchildren, Grief, grief at 4 years, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood, Widows and aloneness

Today at 4 years and 1  1/2 months out,  I alarmingly realized I am living in 3 worlds and haven’t yet accomplished living in “one” world.  Will I ever?  Am I even supposed to?

The “3 Worlds” that I find myself floating between, beside, under, above or IN are:

  • “THE PAST” that I lived with Loren.
  • “THE PRESENT” which I didn’t choose or hope for.
  • “THE FUTURE” with one foot (my heart) in Heaven and still “THE FUTURE”… continuing on as I am…as a widow.   Other than enjoying the consistency of my job for the Willamina School District and teaching my private piano and private voice students,  I often feel   I.   DON’T.   FIT.   IN. 

    1.  As  a single person I struggle to fit in at church.  Who does a person sit with?  Does every other single person hate arriving and leaving by themselves?  Does every other single person hate the unknown plans after leaving church, whether they will be eating by themselves or with family or friends?  And then, am I the only person who can HARDLY  WAIT to get home after that? …to that place that feels most comfortable, where I can control my  “internal peace meter”.

    2. Because of extenuating circumstances I no longer have the privilege of serving on a worship team…the one place, since I was in my teens, where I flourished and felt revived.  I no longer have that one free night a week to drive and dedicate those hours of rehearsal.  And now, these few years of crying uncountable tears has basically thrashed the once-controlled-voice.

3.  Even though all of my adult children (and spouses)  are simply wonderful to me, sometimes I still feel like  I.  DO.  NOT.  FIT.  IN.   It’s a quandry where I often feel torn:

  • Feeling disgusted at myself that I even notice  how I feel, telling myself that I should be highly grateful to see my children being happy, that they are  even wanting to spend time with me.
  • Feeling grateful that somehow Loren’s death has meaningfully strengthened familial relationships and our adoration toward each other.
  • Feeling deliberate to put that smile on my face and do my best to join in the current festivity because I am all too aware I will be returning to my silent abode.
  • Feeling happy to be with my family yet sometimes feeling dreadfully alone with them.

Can I just become Superman and unwind my life back to 4 years and 1  1/2 months ago?…  but that doesn’t seem quite right to be selfish…to go back in time, assuming I had the power to change the course of events…to do that would mean my incredible grandson Lincoln would never have been born….that my two glorious son-in-laws may not be part of our family….which would mean 3 of my 4 children may not be where THEY are at today (with the “happiness meter”, I mean).

I now see, this blog has been very therapeutic.  Yes, for the ultimate good of everyone I believe I must target more contentment….that is,  choosing to somehow thrive in the world I am now placed in, even if I never feel like I’m living in “one world”.

 

 

 

“My dad WAS SUPPOSED TO walk me down the aisle” (Brenna’s heartache)

Children, Daughter MIssing Father at Wedding, Daughters Losing their Fathers, Doing New Things, Family, Grandchildren, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

                                                                                                    FOUR YEARS

After I saw my dad I vividly remember the words that spilled out of my mouth through tears:  “Who is going to walk me down the aisle when I get married?”“  I wasn’t engaged.  I didn’t have a boyfriend.  I hadn’t even MET my future husband!  But I knew that the most important man in my life for the past 24 years was going to miss one of the most important days of my life.  He was going to miss one of the most significant roles a father can play for his daughters.

In a sense, I think I dreaded my future wedding day since the day he died.   He was supposed to be there.  He was supposed to  hold my hand as he walked me down the aisle.  He was supposed to give me away.  He was supposed to cry while doing it all – and for those of you who knew him, you know that those tears would have been running down his face.  He was supposed to dance with me to Tony Bennett singing, “The Way You Look Tonight”. He was supposed  to give me one of his enveloping hugs as I was whisked away with my new husband.  He was supposed to…. but death took that all away from me….it took it away from BOTH of us.

Nine and a half months ago that “dreaded” wedding day came.  Although his physical body wasn’t present, I knew my dad was there.  I felt him.

He was there in the front row where the quilt made out of his shirts sat, saving his seat.  He was there in the boutonniere pinned on that quilt where his Winco shirt read, “Loren”, right next to our picture.  He was there in his handwriting on my tattoo.  He was there in my mom as she walked me down the aisle and gave me away with the words, “Her father and I”.  He was there during the ceremony as I told Eugene how much my dad would have loved him for loving me so well.  He was there.  I know it….and I believe everyone who was at my wedding, who knew my dad, knows it as well.

I think someday, when I am reunited with my dad in heaven, we will talk about my wedding.  We will talk about how much we BOTH loved that day!

He may no longer be here in the flesh but I believe he is not missing out on everything.  He is still with us.

That doesn’t mean we don’t grieve.  OH, how we continue to grieve!  I miss my dad.  I never knew I could miss someone so much.  My heart aches to see him again, to talk with him again, to hug him again.  I long for my husband to know my dad and for my dad to know my husband.  I long the same for our future babies.

One of the last pictures of Brenna and her dad together. December 2014.

My nephew, Lincoln, was born 3 ½ months after my dad died.  But he knows his “Papa Loren”.  He talks about him often.  He points him out in pictures.  He prays for him.  He asks to visit him.  He loves his Papa and he knows that he is loved by him.

I am sad that my future babies won’t be held by their “Papa Loren”.  But I don’t have to dread their births as I dreaded my wedding day.  They may not experience his love in person, but they will know his love just as my nephew Lincoln does. I am confident of this because as history has shown,  although my dad is no longer with us on this earth, he is still here!

                                                                                                                         FOUR YEARS AND COUNTING.

 

I Need PEACE more than HAPPINESS

Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, Holidays and Grief, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays, Peace should be enough

The 2018 Christmas season was the most difficult, by far.  You’d think my 4th Christmas Season  without Loren would’ve been “happier” as far as enjoying the preparation for the Holiday.  I made honest efforts.  Another factor in the mix: this is my 2nd season of not directing K-6 Christmas Concerts and my private student’s Christmas Recital. Even though I enjoy the lowered stress I very much miss performing with students.

IN MY GROWING-UP-YEARS my happy Christmases were filled with:

  • Going to the Rickreall Christmas pageant and being enamored with the live animals and live baby Jesus.
  • Santa Claus surprising we Elementary kids at our small Country Schoolhouse, he passing out bags of candy and oranges.
  • Christmas parties.  Christmas Caroling.
  • Watching my mom bake and prepare Christmas goodie platters to share with the neighbors.
  • Me sitting near the tree for hours in the evening with the lights dimmed… rocking while entranced with the sparkling colors on the Christmas tree.
  • Receiving modest gifts, but always one special toy and a pair of new pajamas.
  • Delighting in the magical times at Grandpa and Grandma Kropf’s house.
  • Eating Grandma Kropf’s homemade candies and banana cream pies with the flaky buttery crusts.
  • Eating roasted Duck and ice cream pie on  New Year’s Day at Grandpa and Grandma Gingerich’s home.

By the 1977 Christmas season I was dating Loren. By the 1978 Christmas season I was married to Loren.  We continued many of the traditions.   I continued singing but now in much larger Christmas presentations and eventually started hosting Christmas piano and voice recitals in our log home.  To top it off, our children and the excitement of  our “he & I” celebrations brought much excitement to my life.

But now….things….are….SOOOO…different.   I, my children and grandchildren had desperately tried to keep Christmas-as-we-knew-in-our-family going.

After 5 days of sudden, unexpected deep sorrow and literal physical pain last month, on December 15th I GAVE MYSELF PERMISSION!!

This permission was not martyrdom. Not fatalism.  Not “depression speaking”.  Instead I believe it was wisdom.  Acceptance.  Willingness to “let go of MY NEED to experience that ADRENALINE RUSH”… that- for-the-majority-of-my-life I had enjoyed…. that build-up and then the peak of multiple performances and festivities in December.

I GAVE MYSELF PERMISSION:

  • To no longer “expect AND need to be happy” at Christmas time.
  • To be “just OK” during the Christmas season.
  • To begin to appreciate “bareness”….the lack of stimulation and multitudes of ideas and activities during the season.
  • To lower MY expectations of MY responsibilities to make my children and grandchildren happy (Brenna & Eugene did a beautiful job of hosting our family celebration on Christmas Day. Thank you for asking to host, Brenna! I also cancelled the Christmas baking tradition).

Society tells us we NEED to be HAPPY!  Happiness, even joy, are not paramount!

However, if I HAD to CHOOSE between peace or happiness I’d choose peace!  The deep tranquil peace.

P.S.  It is very possible that my increased pain was because this was my dads 1st Christmas in Heaven….just one more empty chair at the table….one less voice….and one less laugh to hear.

P.S.S.  Two days after Christmas I expedited a-change-of-course and flew to Florida to be with my brother and his family.  Being proactive brought me happiness and I, again, discovered it is healthy for me to experience new surroundings periodically.

 

 

THE LaST DAy of THis YEAR

Children, Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, grief at 3 years, Holidays and Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays

 

Gosh, O my, “drives me crazy with some of these errors” but I still love this quote! I SO believe it!

THIS YEAR…on THIS DAY…I’ve been proactive. See, after Christmas Day, I left on an airplane……just one more thing I may have never done if Loren was here.

I’m sitting by a pool in Florida,  at an Air B & B, in a resort.  I’m surrounded by my brother Dennis & my sister (his wife) Linda, (nephew) Chad & Lisa, (nephew) Cheritt  & Kelly, Jonathan & (niece) Charissa and the “lovelies” (Dennis’s  five adorable grandchildren).

I LOVE THE GOOD CONVERSATION!  I’ve never loved frivolous surface talk.  I prefer candid heart-to-heart dialogue.  I’m enjoying getting to know my nieces and nephews as adults who are in their late 30’s to early 40’s.  To have this snippet of time to share life with them (and their families) will forever be cherished!

It’s been interesting observing the family dynamics amongst  Dennis’s family.  I smile because numerous times, since Loren passed, I have caught myself sitting back at my gatherings considering the changes that are occurring in my kids and grandkids.   Most of the changes are pleasing yet a low level of sadness hints at the heightened exchanges  amongst my children and I.  This improved respect and adoration should not be a poor reflection of Loren as much as our wakened attentiveness to the frailty of human life and the increasing desire to treasure our time together.

So, THIS LAST DAY of  THIS YEAR   brings hope and encouragement (along with the great anticipation of going to a Medieval Jousting Performance / Meal tonight.  Check.  One more thing off of my bucket list)!

THIS LAST DAY of 2018 BRINGS HOPE:

  • Trusting each Holiday Season will bring SHORTER episodes of deep longing with pain.
  • That I will keep giving myself MORE permission to try new things.
  • That I will trust that I can learn to FIND enjoyment in more settings.
  •  That I will continue being MORE comfortable in more situations.

AND.. this year I’m not home alone, for which I am very thankful!

May each of us have a  Blessed New Year (note, I don’t need a Happy New Year…I need a Blessed Year from God above)!

P.S.  THANK YOU (brother) Galen for strongly encouraging me to venture out and go.  THANK YOU mom & dad (last spring before my dad passed) for encouraging me to not stay home the 2018 Christmas Break (they knew how painful the 2017 Season was)… Thank you, my dear children, for holding down the fort…I love all of you!

The last P.S.  You need to know I would NEVER expect my adult children to include me in their New Year’s Eve plans!  I want my kids to WANT to be with me vs them feeling OBLIGATED to include me.  They need to live life to the fullest as Loren and I did at their ages. 

 

SOME OF THE Surprising THINGS I’ve Had to DO

Children, Christian Widows, decision making, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, Miscellaneous, Widows and aloneness

As 2018 draws closer to an end, I’ve been reflecting on the multiples of adjustments I’ve had to make.  Because I’ve made the decision to stay on the ranch, continue working at the same job and also keep my business in town, along with the rental, many might assume I’ve not experienced some upheaval.   NOT TRUE!  In all facets of my life I’ve had to “consider the cost”…sometimes daily…how every “Life Choice” will cost me  emotionally, physically, spiritually and, many times, financially.

SOME OF THE SURPRISING THINGS I’VE HAD TO DO FOR MY PHYSICAL WELL-BEING:

  • #1)  Go to my Doctor and purposefully request anti-anxiety medication to help me have better cognitive skills. The day after Loren’s funeral the anguish peaked. I also felt overwhelmed knowing I’d have massive decisions to make…. So, THAT VERY DAY I started seeing my Dr every 2 weeks for the first 3 months and then every 4 weeks up through the end of that 1st year.  By the end of those 12 months I was successfully weaned off of the medication.  (Grief greatly changed my ability to concentrate and focus)!
  • #2)   (as of 16 months ago) Stop being the Music Specialist at the School (the increasing headaches from the stress of teaching and decision-making were literally screaming, “You need to change, Julia”,  plus my same Family Physician, of 30 years, was advising a change might be wise).
  • #3)  Start hiring two of Loren’s retired friends to do the strenuous outside work that Loren used to do (running the chainsaws, keeping the back trails open and climbing  tall ladders).
  • #4)  Ask Jasmine and Brenna to help me clean the gutters, clean moss off the roofs, and vacuum the 22’ high ceiling (I still do layers of the inside and outside work but there are some jobs you just don’t do when you’re by yourself).
  • #5)   Have more down time. (my body requires it nowadays).

MORE OF THE SURPRISING THINGS I’VE HAD TO DO:

  • #6)  Be taxed FAR GREATER as a single person which means the money doesn’t spread NEAR as far (Loren and I, as a married couple, were only taxed 2% MORE and the income was more than DOUBLE what mine is now)!
  • #7)  Update and revise the existing Will and my Advanced Health Directive  via my lawyer since I am now the sole controller of my children’s future inheritance.  (My lawyer advised me to choose a primary and secondary Executor of my Estate, a primary and secondary Power of Attorney, and primary and secondary Health Representative.  I also have  named my 4 children as beneficiaries).
  • #8)  Weekly visit my mentor/counselor/friend/spiritual comrade Mary Elizabeth so I can better navigate the changes in my life (I’ve learned that I need someone to “talk out” my concerns and options with.  I used to do that with Loren).

MORE new AREAS I AM FORCED TO GROW IN (as a now- single- person)

  • #9) To become comfortable as the sole visionary person with the long-distanced foresight (I’m still searching for the periodic financial advisor to replace my father who passed in 2018).
  • #10) To come to the point of acceptance that I am simply unwilling to “restart” my life in another community or capacity (life is not an “adventure” without Loren.  I like familiarity.  I am doing well learning to be satisfied).
  • #11) To admit that I may never want to explore a new hobby by myself  (yes, I have given up Drag Racing and teaching Gun Safety classes because it’s too painful to do it alone.  Those were “he and I together” activities).

So, here I am at 3 ½ years out and the journey still has its jolting bumps and ruts.  But I can now break into a quick exuberant laugh and I give frequent warm hugs!

I want to feel more confident. I want deep peace.  As much as I trust in the Lord and believe that God is in control I still very much like the thought that “I can control a level of my continuity”.

……..I sometimes think his sudden traumatic death (and my desperate attempt to revive him) is the clincher that makes me all-the-more cling to the “likeable thought” of ME controlling my continuity…… 

In the meantime,  I’ll STILL PULL UP MY BIG GIRL BRITCHES and CARRY ON!