Category Archives: Marriage

TRYING TO FIND Julia

Death, Faith in God, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 2 years, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood

blog quoteOn Wednesday I sat with my dear friend and mentor, Mary, and sobbed so hard I could barely breathe.  All while my head throbbed. Exhausting!  At 33 months I have hit another brick wall.

I’ve read the positive quotes and “like” them on Facebook because I know these quotes hold value for me as I pursue peace and happiness.  I’ve read the grief quotes on Pinterest and “pin” them on my wall because they equally hold sentiment and value  as I acknowledge the deep pain I’ve conquered and continue to face.

I’ve listened to Loren’s friends tell me  I deserve to be happy, how Loren would want me to be happy.  They are right in their eyes but only a part of me believes what they say…. yes, I know Loren would be trying to be happy if I had died, but I’m 100% sure he’d still have this deep longing for me and feel great loss….

But I’m simply not ready to embrace  an alternative life, whatever that means.

  • I’m still fragmented. Not whole. Like wood fibers, Loren and I had grown IN to each other.
  • Grief continues to morph into new phases. I heal in one area but something new appears.
  • But, at least I know I am no longer “stuck”.
  • Yet, I’m having a difficult time discovering who the new single Julia is.
  • But I know for my ultimate well-being…to flourish and find my new “God- purpose” in life, choosing to believe God allowed his passing….I must discover who the new single Julia is.

It’s time to fight to grow.

Because the truth is, his death has forever changed me.  What a powerless, even frightening,  way to feel.  But, I’m not a victim even though I periodically feel helpless.

 I must fight.  To grow.

“Ok, God.  H – E – L – P !!!!”

4 Most DIFFICULT, the 4 GREATEST, and the 4 Most DANGEROUS Things and RESOLUTIONS

Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Grief, grief in the workplace, healthy boundaries, Loss, Marriage, resolutions for the widow, widowhood

de894856c2782feed1039635b1aa23e6RESOLUTIONS:  I can’t even BEGIN to think of making a list of resolutions for 2018 yet I know it’s time I take another step towards continued healing.  The following reflections are current candid evidence of my honest attempt towards creating future New Year Resolutions.

The 4 MOST DIFFICULT THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED  are:

  • No longer having my husband to lie with.
  • No longer having someone who thinks I am the best thing that has ever happened to him.
  • Attempting to learn  how to be exceedingly happy by myself…that is, without having your other half to amplify the joys.
  • Discovering how maintaining friendships with multiple friends takes close-to or equal-the-amount-of-time-and-effort it did to maintain a tight close-knit relationship with my spouse/lover……with those friendships not providing the deepest satisfaction that a person finds with their life mate.

The 4 GREATEST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED are:

  • Other than the maintenance and care on the home front and reporting to work,  I can set the course of my other activities.
  • Other than the financial adjustment living  without Loren’s income ALONG with the moral and Biblical guidelines I choose to live by, I can darn well do what I want to do…..(this is VERY unsettling for a gal who had never lived on her own before!)
  • There’s no one to “argue” ~ “discuss life” with,  that is, unless I’m stupid enough to carry on mental discussions within myself over situations I can’t control…..
  • I have the liberty to dress however I want to  dress, even though I know I’d look tons better if I’d pull myself out of the widow-funk and be more stylish and wear some make-up….

The 4 MOST DANGEROUS POSSIBILITIES WHILE BEING SINGLE are:

  • I could easily become self-centered…forgetting how I once stayed engaged and focused in an alive flourishing relationship.
  •  I could easily become my co-worker’s nightmare if I don’t maintain other friendships away from the workplace…all because I’d be expecting my co-worker’s to become a “work spouse” when in reality my position at work only requires me to fulfill specific duties.
  • I could easily become self-absorbed, even feeling anxious or angered when recognizing other people still have their chosen private life, shared with the person they love.
  • At a weak moment I could easily make foolish decisions in the people I associate with ~  ALL because of loneliness and the desire for routine, consistent companionship.

I don’t believe I’ve “crossed in to the danger zone”…but I have faced a few shocking moments where I recognized I had the propensity, even the momentary POWER, to change in to another person…all because of the unwanted devastating loss of Loren.

But, to wander from the  guidance and wisdom in the Bible does not seem desirable for a multitude of reasons…..

And I now wonder if people living in good marriages even  BEGIN to understand the dilemma single people live with.  I certainly hadn’t seen the entire picture.  I surely wish I didn’t have to see this picture nor LIVE in this picture  as I do now.

So, my ONE NEW 2018  New Years Resolution is to continue being candid and honest with myself.  But while in my pursuit for greater peace and the desire to find where I fit,  I so wish I didn’t have to live with the cyclic pain and sadness that this deep loss still brings. 

 

MY FIVE HAPPIEST changes and my FIVE SADDEST changes

Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Grief, grief at 2 years, identifying positive things, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood

2013 summer at Jack's memorial serviceThis weekend marks the 2 1/2 year anniversary of Loren’s passing. Happily and sadly I am noticing changes.  Some changes bring relief.   Some changes hold sadness.   I have pondered how life would be far easier if a person could just snap their fingers and move forward instantaneously.  That has not been my life story.  But I have purposed to walk this grief journey honorably and honestly, within my human confines and with God’s strength.

My FIVE HAPPIEST CHANGES are:

  • I no longer cry every day.  Most days I am content, even happy.
  • I want to be included  when in a large group of people, no longer wanting to hide. I’m increasingly feeling more independent. Hesitantly exploring what it is like to be just me.  And liking the status of “just me”.
  • I can be around couples without feeling discomfort and sadness.
  • I have successfully read one  thick, whole book. It feels good to once again focus because I used to be an avid reader.
  • Should I accidently walk out  the door without my wedding ring on my finger it is not a crisis.  I can actually smile at my accomplishment.

 

MY FIVE SADDEST CHANGES are:

  • I am forgetting bits and pieces of him.  Some of his quirky mannerisms. Parts of the wonderful way I felt when I was next to him.
  • I’m learning memories are NOT enough.  It angers me when people assume and say, “All you need are your memories”. In my case, those people are dead wrong! Pictures help…..and let’s just say,  I’m incredibly thankful I didn’t get rid of his things, including his gifts to me.
  • I can’t begin to do everything he did on our property. He was a strong lumberjack and thrived  working hard.  We made a great team out here.  I’m working hard on the ranch but I can’t re-create our strengths together…by myself.  A tough realization.
  • Those conflicts / those issues that most married couples need to work through?  I’m still sorting through Loren and my marriage…the strengths and the weaknesses.  His passing hasn’t automatically ceased the time, effort, and concern I (we) put into the 37 year marriage.  He’s gone.  But it’s hard to put a skid on love and commitment.
  • Each day that passes is but one more day of facing the finality that he is gone. It’s taken a lo-o-o-o-ng time for my HEART to catch up with my MIND…. and the word “painful” doesn’t even begin to describe the anguish one inwardly feels when absorbing this truth.

But I continue to learn to care for myself. So, to care for myself today I will not heap more sorrow on myself.  It’s time to go spend time in McMinnville with my brother from Florida, my sister from California, and my uncle from Virginia.  To worship together, eat together, and share life together on this Sunday.

God be with us all for I know each and every one of us can share our lives.  Through ups and downs. Through joys and sorrows.

 

 

The TOP 4 QUESTIONS you MAY be CURIOUS to ASK THIS WIDOW

Children, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Grandchildren, healthy boundaries, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood

I’m like you.  Respectful enough to NOT ask every curious question that pops in to my head.  Understanding those basic rules of privacy.  However, the older I have become I have learned to embrace the concept of being candid!

That is, carefully and cautiously candid.

From what I’ve been told, the following 4 questions are questions many people are curious about ~ when it comes to widows.

  • Did your desire for intimacy and sex end when he died?
  • What determines if you be sexually active?
  • Do you see yourself re-marrying?
  • What is the key advice you’d give to a new widow?

 

  • RE: Does the desire for sex and intimacy end after your loved one dies?

    No!  In fact, a person’s physical desires often return within mere months.  I’ve also found my desire for emotional intimacy with Loren continues 24/7.Julia summer 2014 road trip

     I must say, losing my spouse has “thrown me inside my engine”. Tossed me around inside my core…. forcing me to see what I am truly made of.  Losing my companion and lover of 37 years has given me a harsh reality to face….. of what I am capable of.   Many would say I have “an excuse… a real reason” to re-adjust my lifestyle.  To “adjust my morals” because I am no longer married.

    RE: What then stops you from being sexually active since becoming a widow?

    My answer is threefold.

    First, at month four I prayed to the Lord  that He help  curb the desires.  God has helped me and I do my part in avoiding situations.

    Secondly, statistics and professionals state women become easily bonded to sexual partners.  I know how bonded I was (and still am!) to my deceased husband.  I don’t know how to NOT love deeply.  How NOT to bond deeply.  How NOT to pour my body and soul in to a partner.  Thus, I refuse to flippantly share my sexuality freely.  I’m stubborn.  And I believe God knows what is best for us!

    Third and not the least of importance, I’m very concerned I would change….I very much care that my kids and grand kids not “lose” the mom/grandma they knew before his passing.  They’ve already lost their dad/grandpa.

RE:  Do you ever see yourself re-marrying?

The first year after he passed I said, “Absolutely not!  My heart will forever be with Loren.”

At month 28 I say, “I’m learning to be content being single.  I miss most aspects of marriage and I very much miss him! I wish he was here in body and my love for him has not stopped.  I’m not looking to find someone else.

And quite frankly, I can’t imagine there is someone out there who would ever be as awesome, as annoying, as gifted, and as perfect for me as he was.  Besides, who wants to have to train someone else to fit in to MY ways?  (now that I’m learning how to put myself first).

RE:  What is the key advice you’d give to a new widow?

Within a few days of Loren’s passing, his sister Joyce told me, “Julie, this is going to be the hardest thing you’ll ever do!”  She’s right.  She knew.  She became a widow before I did.

So, WHAT WOULD I TELL THE NEW WIDOW?  What would I say to her…in small increments…as not to overwhelm her?

  • “This will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done”.
  • “Feel the pain. Don’t run from the pain.  You’ll face it sooner.  And later”.
  • “Grieve hard. But don’t stop loving other’s deeply”.
  • “I love you. I’m so sorry you hurt.  I’m here”.

God be with us all.  In our pursuit to live wholeheartedly for God. To live honorably in our mind, body and soul.

 

 

 

 

What THIS WIDOW wants OTHER WIVES to UNDERSTAND

Death, Faith in God, healthy boundaries, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood, wives love your husbands

IMG_0664 (1)I’m now on the other side of the fence. No longer the wife of a man, part of two living as one.  Years before Loren’s passing I had observed many people.  Single and married adults.  I now realize, even back then I was learning what to do and not to do in life.

Now, while married I wasn’t wary of every single woman who came our way. But you can bet I wasn’t foolish either! 

My mom had been close friends with Naomi Pfinister and Carol Robeson, both single Christian ladies who at some point in their lives were forced to survive their losses.  Because of them, I had healthy role models of solid, single women and witnessed their interactions with my father, my husband, my children, and many other’s.

Through these ladies I learned:

  • It is possible to adjust to a life of singleness even if it not be your first choice.
  • It is possible to adjust joyfully and gracefully even if the heart bear sorrow.
  • It is possible to be an adult single woman and have fun without being a royal flirt.

Unfortunately, in years past I had witnessed Christian ladies  acting in such a way I was lead to believe they were  “blurring boundaries”. 

Because I hadn’t lived my adulthood as a single person I felt I had “no leg to stand on”….no sound reason to speak up.   Now I do have a leg to stand on.  Today I have  28 months of life experience.

Dear wives, most of you are my  friends…some, casual acquaintances:

  • We widows feel and see that slight, ackward “thing” that happens if we are in too close of proximity, for too long, around your husband in the most innocent of situations.
  • We don’t resent you wives for your natural reactions.  We understand and do not feel offended!
  • Just because I am a Christian lady does not  mean you shouldn’t pay attention.
  • When I was married I had upright antennae’s. I applaud you, wives, for paying attention.
  • You are NOT a “jealous woman who doesn’t trust her husband” just because you are healthily guarding your marriage! This is normal.  And correct.  So full of wisdom.  You are his help-meet.  Regularly and fervently tending  to your garden.
  • We widows would’ve been ferociously infuriated and heart broken if another lady had smeared marital boundary lines.
  • Wives, you are very wise to remain your man’s #1 cheerleader. Your man’s #1 friend.  Your man’s #1 confidant.  If any other woman starts becoming one of those, STEP UP!   SPEAK UP!  Don’t become helpless!
  • Wives, fight for your marriages!  We widow’s know what it is like to lose a husband in death. Please don’t lose yours out of lackadaisical complacency.

 

I am just a widow who would give anything to have her husband back.

I am a single Christian lady finding that niche where I fit in.  Trying not be socially reclusive yet very much caring that I never cross lines.  All the while doing it God’s way.

THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE IF I HAD THE CHANCE

Faith in God, Family, Grief, identifying positive things, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous

cropped-Julia-56-years-old.-February-2014.jpgFirst up, I DID re-do lots of things in my 37 year marriage with Loren. He also re-did lots of things in our 37 year marriage. Being willing to say, “I’m sorry” and “redo-ing things” kept us together.  Being willing to say “I’m sorry” and “re-doing” demonstrated the gospel of Jesus Christ….that is, practicing forgiveness and mercy,  hoping and trusting that things can get better, along with believing that God can change hearts.  Even my heart.

Even though our time together here blazed out in glory, at 24 months I find myself reflecting.  Healthily reflecting. With the grass growing fast and my riding lawnmower once again needing to become my best friend, I imagine I’ll have more time to process my life in the months to come.  For me to grow.  For me to set more things in order…. in my mind.

For this seems to be my grief process.

 THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE with Loren if I was once again 20 – 30 years old:

  • I’d purpose the “we are a team” spirit immediately ~ (it’s easy to be in love and not work as a team).
  • I’d choose to lay “my rights” down faster and easier ~ (two strong willed people who love each other can still be competitive).
  • At the same time, I’d learn to speak up more quickly and clearly ~ (even though I was strong willed I had difficulty standing up for myself and expressing how I felt).

 

THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE with Loren if I was once again 30 – 40 years old:

  • Even though caring for the 4 children was important, I’d put him first and make him feel like a king every day.
  • I’d gaze into his eyes more often and hold the gaze far longer.
  • I’d never pass an opportunity for physical touch even if I’m exhausted.
  • I’d laugh hysterically with him and the kids.

 

Thankfully, by the age of 50 Loren and I became wise! We realized the empty-nest years were approaching.  We knew couples who had divorced after their children left the home.  We realized you can be lovers and partners but not true friends…someone you might want to hang out with.

We didn’t want to become one more statistic of divorce.

A result of our “UNINTENTIONAL DISTANCE”.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The good news is our INTENTIONAL hard work paid off!

  • We became intentional close friends.  Buddies.  Best friends.
  • We became ardent, frequent, caught- up- in- the- moment, intentional lovers.
  • We reversed the unintentional emotional distance.
  • And I did make him feel like a king in our home. I know so.  He told me so.  Often.
  • And I found an incredible satisfaction pleasing the man I loved.

THAT MAGIC 2 YEAR MARK and LOVING LIKE YOU’RE GONNA LOSE THEM

Children, Death, Faith in God, Family, Grief, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous

It’s March. I think my body and emotions will forever remember this time of the year.  As time presses closer the world seems to close in. I have to fight tunnel vision.  Every task seems strenuous. I’m physically exhausted again.  Feeling like I’m back to point A in the grief, but I know I’m not. Things are better.

 If I sound abstract it’s only because I feel abstract.  As an abstract painting.   Happy and sad colors splashed in random places.

I had purposed to retain every memory of he & I, every scent, every emotion…I honestly thought I might remember every minuet detail because in our empty nest years we had found heightened pleasure by living in the moment, living in “our moments”.  But I find myself forgetting the depth of the emotions.  This brings deep angst.

I now think I knew I was going to lose him….because snippets of memories periodically pass through my mind.  How I sensed we weren’t going to live to a ripe old age together.  How I tried to ignore my thoughts, thinking they were mere fears. How I felt driven, compelled, even spurred on to love him with unbridled passion and fervence.  All as if there were no tomorrow.  All as if wanting to partake of every good thing with and in each other.

In hindsight I know, for certain, that he had a sense that our time would come to an end earlier than we wanted….by the things he said, even the day before he unexpectedly passed.  Things he had said to our children at a Thanksgiving dinner. Things he had said to the Gingerich family on his 60th birthday.

Thankfully I had taken the time to gaze at him, to savor those precious moments and let time stand still with him.  We had learned to vacation within our home.  We had learned to let the world slip by.  No words of love were held back.

But I go forward. Yes, with God.  Not lost ~  but certainly by myself.  (But I still wonder if our loved ones  in heaven aren’t praying and caring for us….I swear I feel this).

STEEL BARS and RE-MARRIAGE and VALENTINES

Death, Grief, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous

STEEL BARS… WRAPPED ALL AROUND ME….I’ve been your prisoner since the day you found me…I’m bound forever ‘til the end of time, steel bars, locked around this heart of mine.”  Michael Bolton’s song, STEEL BARS, was one of the numerous songs I had put on a CD I had made for Loren in December of 2014.  This song had re-sounded in me for years. Now, at an earlier point in our marriage this same song rang true but with frustration because we were struggling.

 At year 37 we were flying high. Deeply, even madly, in love. More enthralled with each other than ever. More attached than ever because weLoren & Julia had put blood, sweat, and tears into our marriage union.  Add that with our history…”Loren & Julia’s story”…we were unstoppable.  Heart Valentines.

Because of the heart connection we shared, I HAVE WONDERED..simply put, I have questions:

  • Will I always feel so in love with him?  There are times it feels torturous to be so in love with someone when you can’t be with them. At other time’s I carry a smile, secretly comprehending the love we enjoyed.
  • Would becoming a widow have been easier if he & I would have had a mundane “put-up-with-each-other” relationship?
  • How can some widows and widowers possibly move on by this time  (23 months) and find another person to be with?
  • Doesn’t any of them feel the sense of loyalty to the spouse that is deceased?
  • Are the widow or widower just wanting someone else to replace  what they HAD with their deceased spouse…or maybe what they DIDN’T HAVE with their spouse?
  • Is that even fair to the other person when you still deeply love your deceased spouse?
  • Is it true that some remarry for the sheer sake of companionship?

I wonder.  With no clear answers.  And very possibly I wouldn’t have as many questions if my marriage had ended with a painful divorce vs death….

But I don’t need to wonder about THIS:  how I feel grateful, even vibrantly alive, that I was blessed to have found that undying love with one person. Those steel bars of connection. Blessed to have found the deep pools of warm, enduring love that kept us warm, alive, and bonded.  For there are some married couples who never quite find that place……….that place that can be said, “We,  AS A  COUPLE, are home.”

TAXES & DEATH CERTIFICATES & SUCH

Death, Grief, identifying positive things, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, unexpected things in life

This tax season I am no longer a widow.  Thankfully I had that 1st year where the government recognized me as a widow to help me slowly adjust to those taxable changes, the tax adjustments, the decrease in deductions I could use.  This tax season I am being taxed as a single.  The first time in my life paying taxes as a single person.

And, last week I had to once again produce another death certificate for a business transaction.   I foresee having to prove his death in more situations as they show themselves.  You’d think this would come to an end after 22 months.

As I’ve had to continue producing death certificates I’ve discovered:

  • It no longer bothers me to read his death certificate. For the most part, I read the death certificate as I would read any other document.  In my mind his death certificate is associated with all things related to finances and legalities.
  • Reading the death certificate somehow solidifies, even cements, THAT day ~ that landmark in time, those 5 hours in our home when he passed away quickly, when the EMT’s worked on him, when the coroner arrived, when my daughters and I said our goodbyes on that bedroom floor for 3 ½ hours, when Brenna sang from the grand piano when the funeral directors took his body from our home out to the van, watching them take his body down the driveway, and then away.
  • As he seems to fade in my life, those death certificates are a wonderful reminder that I was his wife. I love to see my name on that death certificate.  Death certificates.  Confirming a solemn, life changing event. Julia 56 years old. February 2014

 I’m also not bothered receiving mail that may have his name on it.  In fact, I somehow enjoy seeing mail addressed to him.

  • It brings a comfort, another reminder that he and I had shared our life.
  • It puts perspective in to my life. He and I had shared our finances. We were attached.
  • We were recognized as an entity ~ together. I wish it could stay that way forever…….

 

…and those letters of advertisement and pieces of random mail can keep coming…with his name alone or ours together posted on the envelope.  I’m not ready for them to stop.  When they completely stop I for sure will most certainly feel alone.

MY 10 POSITIVES OF BEING SINGLE

Faith in God, Family, Grief, identifying positive things, Marriage, Miscellaneous
This image was captured the day after Loren's Celebration of Life.
This image was captured the day after Loren’s Celebration of Life.

Since his death, I’ve found myself becoming more like Loren. Is it my way of compensating for the loss?  Is it because it’s my way of keeping his memory alive?  Is it new additional strength arising in me?

Loren was the ultimate dreamer. An optimist.  At times he had called me the pessimist.  I would immediately shoot back verbally, telling him I was the realist between the two, to help him keep his feet on the ground, to be his balancing counterpoint.

At 21 ¾ months out I’ve found myself listening to the talk radio shows he’d listen to when driving truck.  I’ve found myself reading more news articles to keep myself updated with current events ~ he was the one who kept me abreast with world- wide news.  I’ve found myself reading more articles on the Dow Jones and financial forecasts.

 I’ve found myself rising up to the challenge, new challenges……stepping up to the plate, new plates…..and taking the bull by the horns when I absolutely must. But, I still don’t like bulls and I don’t like horns.

Even though I feel the negatives of being single very much outweigh the positives, I am learning there are positives to being a single lady.

Thus, MY LIST of  10 POSITIVES OF BEING SINGLE:

  • I don’t have to cook and bake, unless I want to.
  • I don’t need to shave my legs as often. Who cares if I have prickly legs?
  • I have complete control of the TV remote in our bedroom suite.
  • I can be a bed hog.
  • If I wanted to, I could wear footie PJ’s to bed.
  • I don’t have to share counter space in the Master bath.
  • I have the entire closet space available to myself.
  • I have complete control in the office…arranging the files how I prefer, arranging the desk top to what works best for me.
  • When it comes to using debit cards, ATM’s, and credit cards, it’s far easier to stay abreast of exact dollar amounts in such accounts.
  • …………………………… well, I was wrong, I can’t think of 10 positives of being single.

 

BUT I AM HAPPY I CAN IDENTIFY 9 POSITIVES OF BEING SINGLE!  Being able to identify 9 positives is monumental!

“So, dear Lord.  Thank you for helping me forge ahead.  Happy times.  Sad times.  Bright times.   Dark times.  In all and through all of them, I know You are with me.”