Category Archives: Marriage

The Widow and her NEW Grandchildren

Children, Christian Widows, Daughter MIssing Father at Wedding, Daughters Losing their Fathers, Death, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Grief at 6 years, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, The Widow and Grandchildren's Births

When my youngest daughter and her husband announced their first pregnancy at our 2020 Thanksgiving Meal, I felt numb. I’m incredibly embarrassed to say I did not show a deep reaction.  Naturally I was very happy for them….loving the thought of having another grandchild, however I did not scream in delight nor hop up to give hugs. I just sat in my chair at the dinner table with the family…. asking multiple questions about how my daughter was feeling, the due date etc.

 It was later that night, when by myself, that I started questioning, “Am I being a neurotic selfish parent who inadvertently turns the attention on themself?”  I was mad that “I hadn’t been the perfect mother who responded in the perfect way”. 

By the following day I was able to sort through the emotions. I called my daughter and apologized profusely, feeling very remorseful that their announcement may have felt like a letdown.

I was going to happily become a grandparent again… yet, because I had been down this road before, I knew the sorrow that would accompany the beautiful baby.

Our third grandchild had been born 3 ½ months after Loren’s passing. Loren had known he’d be having his first grandson and he was on Cloud 9 non-stop. He had announced the news on Facebook and to anyone who would listen. We already had two adorable granddaughters…the perfect apples of his eyes.  Loren loved babies and children.  Simply put, my man was a complete kid magnet.

….Not long after Thanksgiving 2020, another daughter “randomly” dropped by.  By this time I had a greater understanding of my less-than-perfect reaction with the first announcement on Thanksgiving.

This time there wasn’t that spell-bound-shock-as-with-me-sitting-at-the-kitchen-table.  No, I was sitting in Loren’s recliner in the Master Suite…she in the other recliner when the tsunami of tears hit us.  After minutes of blubbering we eventually discussed the excitement of two babies next Christmas. 

Hot tears still bubble up quickly when I recall the “Since Loren has died I have”:

  • Watched two daughters date various men and find their men they chose to settle with
  • Gave my verbal approval when one young man asked if he could marry our daughter
  • Walked our daughter down the aisle and gave her away
  • Sat on the front row, beside the aisle, at two daughter’s weddings, without my spouse
  • Gained 1 grandson 3 ½ months after Loren passed
  • Gained 3 grandchildren by marriage
  • Shortly, I’ll gain a grand baby within days
  • I’ll then gain another grand baby in August

Maybe…just maybe…one of the new babies will look abit like their grandpa.  If so, I’ll be like Loren.  I’ll laugh a loud hearty laugh and abrupt water shed may happen in the most inopportune times.

The WIDOW and Their ADULT CHILDREN. Chapter 3.

Children, Christian Widows, Death, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, How To Help Widows, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets, Widows and their Adult Children, Widows with Adult Children

WOULDN’T YOU KNOW!!!!…. the following day after I had rough-drafted this attached blog, one of my daughters had randomly said, “Mom, I hope you know I do not feel you are a burden to us.” I then thought, “O shoot….maybe I should cancel the blog that I am writing…maybe I don’t want my kids to know what I was thinking today.” But, since I knew the blog wasn’t formed from a moment of discouragement…but realism…I made the decision to complete and publish.

————————————————————————————————————————–

It’s becoming more apparent as time proceeds forward: 

As long as I remain single and live at the ranch I can never really live independently.

My definition of “LIVING INDEPENDENTLY”: doing everything myself….on ladders cleaning gutters, applying moss killer on the roofs and later sweeping off the roofs, running the chainsaw to cut fallen trees, never needing to ask my kids to help me do projects or if they can’t do it hiring someone else to do the job.

It’s an odd dance, that is, learning how to give your children their right to live their adult lives as independent agents all-the-while somehow calibrating your life in sync with theirs…..just because you lost your husband… and fervently trying to keep the family property for the next generation.

It could possibly be compared to an unspoken love-hate relationship….hopefully with neither side actually FEELING the love-hate / compassion-resentment potential…. as far as coming to the point of resenting WHY this calibration was needed in the first place.

But let’s be candid and put the cards on the table…brass tacks…rubber meeting the road:

  • I very much dislike that I even NEED to depend upon my children for ANYTHING other than frequent texts, periodic phone calls, monthly times of brief companionship, seeing the grand kids, and, of course, Holidays and maybe a few trips together every few years.  
  • They may dislike that they even NEED to watch out for me (if Loren was here they’d be counting on their dad and I to do what we always did…mostly without them). 
  • It started way too early in life for me.   
  • It started way too early in their lives (I should’ve been in my 80’s before my kids needed to attempt oversight of any parent).
  • It’s apparent I can’t live completely independent from my children (this thought is incredibly frustrating… yet quite comforting to me at the same time).
  • It’s reasonably apparent to assume they will always feel this looming responsibility to take turns watching out for me (I guess the positive side is:  they still have one parent to watch out for).
  • If, for example, I live to be 80 years old…my kids will have had 24 plus years of their adult lives to have felt a responsibility to have had to stay in closer-contact with a parent
  • Hopefully they realize they should be setting boundaries now… with me and with each other.
  • If, in the future, I learned that my kids started to resent each other because one or two had to do all of the work or make all of the decisions (other than my designated person(s) for future legal matters), I would feel disappointed and possibly guilty.
  • Hopefully my children are graciously speaking up now, amongst each other, if they see patterns starting that could bring disruption to their future relationships with each other.

 I continuously pray I will be a blessing to my children…where they can look back on these present years and recognize our combined reciprocal generosity with each other… all because Loren’s death forced us to change the prior ebb and flow…now adjusting to another family dynamic.

As for birthing my kids years back…. those stretch marks, varicose veins, and birth pains were worth every bit of it.    

WIDOWS and Their ADULT CHILDREN. Chapter 2.

Children, Christian Widows, Daughter MIssing Father at Wedding, Daughters Losing their Fathers, Death, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, friendships, Grandchildren, Grief, Holidays and Grief, Honoring Your Deceased Spouse, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, Widows and their Adult Children

My husband was in his mid-50’s when his 2nd parent graduated to Heaven.  She was 92, Loren’s father passed years earlier at the age of 83.  I’ll never forget the looming silence that lingered around Loren that entire first month as he faced the now-loss of both parents. He hadn’t been as shaken when his father passed….not so when his last parent passed.

“I somehow feel as if I am an orphan”, he had solemnly stated. I then wondered if his 4 siblings felt that way too?

Even though I often feel a great portion of my growth-thru-grief has been a sole effort on my part, I equally acknowledge the monumental role that my children have played towards my continuous learning to spread my wings…to gain some height in the struggling soar.

Today I feel a variety of emotions as I contemplate the approach of the 6th Year Anniversary of Loren’s passing:

  • Pride……how I’ve became as independent as I am
  • Melancholy…..that for my own well-being I needed to proceed forward without him
  • Thankful…..that I’ve managed to remain at the place Loren and I pioneered
  • Extremely grateful…..that the relationships with each of my children have deepened
  • Pursuant…..in deeper understanding of God’s loving care for the widow and the fatherless
  • Relieved……about having faithful friends and family who have stood by my side

It’s my observation and opinion that my adult children have had to equally purpose to spread their wings… to gain height in their struggling soars. Not only were they gaining momentum in their individual  lives, THEY additionally HAD TO and STILL HAVE TO KEEP ON:

  • Balancing their personal lives…now along with a single mom who emotionally and physically needs them more than before
  • Choosing to not worry about their mom
  • Developing additional skills of communication with their siblings (when they need another one to step up to share the load)
  • Facing their own fresh grief(s) of getting married without a father to be a part of their wedding
  • Facing their own fresh grief(s) of having their father not be a part of their pregnancy, childbirth, welcoming their baby into their family
  • Comforting their children who miss their grandpa, who are having to learn to experience on-going Holidays and life without him
  • Explaining death and Heaven to young children who never met their grandpa
  • With their life partner, experiencing the challenge of learning to be understood…all because they have lived through something life-shattering….
  • Having the acute awareness that their whole world can change at the drop of a hat
  • Seeing not everyone is “blessed” to be able to say their lengthy goodbyes and experience gradual-grieving before a parent passes
  • Enjoying happy times with the whole family….experiencing laughter after the deep sorrow

…….to be continued……..

HALF A DECADE of being a WIDOW

Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, How To Help Widows, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New and Seasoned, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Marriage
This picture was taken mere months before he unexpectedly passed
This photo was taken mere months before he unexpectedly passed

This week is a monumental week.  I have been a widow for half a decade now. In the past five years, at varying times, THE FOLLOWING FIVE statements have been spoken to me; not glib words spoken without intent, but presented with interpreted care and strong belief.  These same statements have never left my mind.  I’m now ready to give a “more-seasoned-response” since I’m past the heightened reactions that traveled alongside my raw grief.

“God will ALWAYS bring good out of tragedy”.   

  • “It’s always possible God could ‘bring good’ out of this tragedy but I will never  demand it in my heart because there are millions who have survived far worse situations than mine….and then there’s the fact that  ultimately I feel it’s impossible since ‘my idea of good’ would be for me to be transported back to where Loren and I were ~ that life that we had worked so hard to attain”.
  • “I’m just grateful I have grown to find peace in my adjusted life”.
  • “I continue to make great efforts (Grief Counseling, trusting in the Lord, carefully choosing the people whom have influence in my life) and have found more courage than I would’ve ever thought I could have.”
  • “So, yes, some could argue that ‘good came out of his passing’.”

“Divorce is worse than Death…at least you know where he is!”

  • “I have felt the pain of divorce but only once as a parent and three times as a sibling/in-law.  Even though I wasn’t the one who was physically and emotionally betrayed, our entire family grieved and felt the turmoil from the separations.”
  • “Pain is pain.  Loss is loss.  Each relationship had its own degree of intimacy so I will never belittle the devastation that comes with divorce.”
  • “Whether it be divorce or death you can know that major changes will come a person’s way.”
  • “The only (dare I say it ? ) ‘benefit of a spouse’s death’ vs divorce is that you don’t have to face your Ex in painful social situations, deal with children custody issues, or divide the assets.”

“A person needs a companion. God didn’t intend for people to live alone.”   

  • “It would have never been my desire to be single at 56 years of age.”
  • “I am not afraid to live alone”.
  • “I have a job that I enjoy, I work with people that bring meaning to my life, and I have a network of family and friends who give me love and support.”
  • “Two IS better than one.  However…for ‘two to be better’ a person must team up with the right person.  Many widows/widowers rush to remarry, in desperation from loneliness or fear, and later have regret because they  had not spent the necessary alone time to grieve-it-through-to-completion …and if you don’t ‘work through’ the long, harrowing grieving process you’ll never have a clear mind to analyze a new person, their character, and habits.”
  • “My idea of marriage is not to just have a warm body to lay next to at night.”
  •  “It’s crazy to assume that another marriage would be equally happy or unhappy.”
  • “I’d rather be a widow who lives alone than married and lonely.”

“Don’t wait forever….statistics say if a widow / widower do not remarry within the first three years, the odds greatly increase that you will remain single the rest of your life.”

  • “My first three years of grief were astoundingly difficult… but all of the-great-pain-in-my-world did not drive me in to another man’s arms when I was simply longing to be in Loren’s arms.  Ethically and morally that would’ve been wrong at every level.”
  • “I will never settle.  If that means being alone, so be it.”

“There will never be another Loren and the love you two shared, but you can find another man to love, Julia….the love may feel different but life can be better than it is now.”

  • “As I said earlier, my idea of a complete fulfilling marriage is more than just having a warm body to lay next to at night.”
  • “I’m not sure I want to expend the energy that it took for Loren and I to reach the glorious melding of the heart, spirit, mind and emotions…you know, that point where the ‘two actually DO become one’.  I’m logical enough to know that this doesn’t happen overnight and at times never happens.”

(to be continued at a later date…………..)

FRieNDs and the Widow. God’s Will and Plan B. Chapter 4

Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, God's Will, Grief, grief at 4 years, How To Help Widows, Longevity Marriages, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets, Plan B, Widows and Friendships

Within the past month I’ve listened to two girlfriends voice their concern AND desire…how they are praying and ” NEEDING to know God’s Will ” …. see, they are now single women… one divorce and one death… like me, women who didn’t choose their situation…having to learn to live in an unwelcome situation….who at times vacilate between peace and discontentment, thinking there SURELY must be “a way out” of their present and future unease.

The 1st friend?  I didn’t respond, then…she wouldn’t have appreciated my thought at that moment.  The 2nd friend,  I responded saying,  “How do you KNOW that your life, as it is now, ISN’T His will for you???”   After a lengthy pause she quietly said, “I had never thought of that before”.

 Whether it be a spouse who betrayed you and left the marriage or it be a spouse who was careless in not getting back to the  Dr  sooner-than-later,  ultimately you have the choice to remain  or  NOT  remain under the bitter-filled blanket of blame.

FOR ME,  my “bitter-filled blanket of blame statement”   WAS,   “Loren would be alive today IF he wouldn’t have been SO stubborn….IF he JUST would’ve call the cardiologist or gone to the Emergency  Room when the arrhythmia started up again” (see, at the time of the successful ablation he was told he’d need a pacemaker with a defibrillator IF the arrhythmia ever reoccurred)…..BUT HE had his reasons….HE was GOING to retire from WinCo shortly….HE was GOING to take the chance (of the arrhythmia possibly not being as serious as the cardiologist had told him it would be) so he could get his full pension $$…….now… here’s my opportunity to be angry….if he JUST would’ve gone to the Dr or the E.R. the day before, as I suggested….(he was abit winded but was sure the arrhythmia was temporary and would surely stop….. so I chose to not freak out…. because stress would’ve only made the arrhythmia worse…and, yes, I felt helpless that he didn’t heed my suggestion)..…. and,  THAT same DAY he had told me, “When the arrhythmia is bad enough, Julia,  I’ll LET YOU KNOW” (to take him to the E.R.)… well, surprisingly  he DID  let me know that next morning at  6:37 ….AND after a few brief words with me,  all within 5 seconds,  he collapsed and was immediately unconscious  and very very soon……..   Yep, I had immediately called 911 alright…. And yes,  I DID MY PART (frantically, though steadily,  doing CPR on him for 20 minutes til the EMT’s arrived at 7:05….but that wasn’t enough….they couldn’t revive him….even after the EMT’s took turns working on him for a period of time).

AT what measure is Loren responsible for his passing?    AT what measure is GOD responsible?

I’ve had  four  VERY  NECESSARY  years  to process things:

  • Loren had the physical warning that something serious could be happening
  • He didn’t “have time” to go to the E.R.  and he did NOT want ME calling the ambulance unless HE determined it was “serious enough”
  • God could’ve stopped the arrhythmia
  • God probably doesn’t override a person’s will
  • I don’t blame myself for not overriding his wishes the day before….I didn’t know how bad it really was….IF HE EVEN KNEW,  I’m sure he didn’t want to worry me

As time has progressed and peace has slowly settled over my broken heart and question-filled mind, I’m just now starting to consider:

  • Who says my life as a widow hasn’t become “God’s will” for me?
  • Who says I “must search” for “God’s Will” in an alternative Plan B?
  • Who says that something is wrong when a person chooses to “learn to be OK” in a less than ideal circumstance?

 

 

HOW to HeLp a NEW WIDOW and a SEasOnED WIDOW

Children, Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New and Seasoned, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships

 

This picture capsulates my first  2 years….not de-railing, but in a now-cold-unfriendly world, in my grief – cocoon, with just enough light to see the immediate day… all while in unchartered wild territory.

I WAS (blissfully) IGNORANT OF THESE  “How to Help a Widow” suggestions BECAUSE OF LACK OF EXPERIENCE. Through the love of the following eleven people I can write this blog:

This blog is dedicated to:  my dad (now passed away), my mom, my sisters Jean and Janelle, Loren’s sister Joyce, mentor and friend Mary,  family friends Marvin and Carole, friend Lorri (now passed away, just 3 months ago), co-widow Eileen, and co-widow Cindy.  These  eleven individuals regularly reached out to me.  These individuals have maintained their individual rhythms throughout the seasons up until now, 4 years and 4 months later.  (My children are not included in this list….only because they have equally borne their own  grief).

 

HOW   TO   HELP   A   NEW    WIDOW:

 

  1. TELL HER you are sorry for her loss. Tell her you are praying for her.
  2. SEND cards. WRITE posts on Facebook that she will see.  Email her.  Text her.
  3. HUG HER.  Let her sob. Just know some widows will love the long embraces…some not….it can depend upon who she is hugging.
  4. UNDERSTAND THAT SHE MAY NOT RESPOND to your thoughts, care and concern (the 1st 4 months are full of rearranging financial matters, so, along with the intense grief, she may lack in the “proper ways” to respond when people have reached out).
  5. TELL HER MEANINGFUL THINGS ABOUT her spouse. Those words will briefly lessen the pain and those words will come back to her mind later when she can smile!
  6. VISIT HER IN PERSON, even if it is just for 15 minutes. Those 15 minutes will help pull her out of her unbearable pain….giving her a brief reprieve….
  7. WHEN YOU ARE VISITING WITH HER don’t be afraid to ask questions…and if she can’t converse much just be there to briefly talk about basic little things… especially in a sudden death, her heart and mind is still stuck back with the event that changed her course of life….
  8. BE WILLING TO SIT IN DEAD SILENCE WITH HER… “dead silence” is OK….because that is her new reality…(just like my list of eleven people they’ll always be cherished for having been willing to share the dead silence with me).
  9. IF YOU WANT TO BRING FOOD, please bring it in/on a disposable dish. Her mind is too confused to remember “more details”…things that were once small for her are now gigantic.
  10. IF YOU OFFER TO HELP HER with something  (ie. those jobs that MUST be done annually), be sure that you follow through and do what you said you’d do (widows often feel afraid…. worrying how certain jobs will get done)!

 

HOW   TO   HELP   A   SEASONED   WIDOW:

  1. Lady friends (dads and brothers, too), SET UP COFFEE or LUNCH DATES with her. Weekly, monthly or quarterly  (this will be a life-line to her).
  2. Ladies (dads and brothers, too), SHOOT HER A BRIEF TEXT EVERY FEW DAYS or so asking how her day is going (this will be a life-line to her….she STILL misses those routine connections that she had with her husband)!
  3. TELL HER ABOUT all-ladies Bible Study Groups (being the only single person in a mixed group still feels unnatural in the best of circumstances).
  4. BE WILLING TO LET HER REVERT to conversations about her deceased husband.
  5. BE WILLING TO REMINISCE about the happy times AND the painful times that she may have had in her marriage (by now she is processing and assessing her marriage….it’s a normal part of the grief process).
  6. IF YOU LIKE TO PURCHASE LITTLE GIFTS, treat her  with one (but don’t do it too much…likely, her finances are strapped and she may feel bad that she can’t reciprocate).
  7. GO SEE A MOVIE or take her along on your errands trip (if your hours are compatible with her work hours).
  8. UNDERSTAND THAT SHE DOESN’T EXPECT YOU TO REPLACE HER HUSBAND but know that  she truly values your effort and willingness to spend time with her.
  9. UNDERSTAND THAT SHE once lived a life full of connection (please know,  just because she works, has kids, and goes to church doesn’t mean she has deep friendships there).
  10. TRUST HER….if she’s wise she won’t cross “those” boundaries and impede on your family time (YOU be the one to set your boundaries first since you have at least one more person to consider).

FRieNdS and Widows, SHRINES and OpiNioNs. Chapter 3.

Children, Christian Widows, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, grief at 4 years, Marriage, Miscellaneous, Pictures of deceased loved ones, Widows and Friendships
  • “Be careful to not build a shrine of him”.
  • “You have to be careful. Don’t let these pictures become an idol!”
  • “You know, Julia, he’s gone now”.

These exact quotes have been spoken by two causal friends who have visited my home, never having been in my home before Loren passed…..and I might add, friends who have not lost a spouse by death.   And, yes, the vocal opinions are part of the friendship package since these ladies are quite vocal.   🙂

Today, I googled Websters Dictionary for the definition of a shrine.  I am faaaaaar from having “a shrine” because we all know Loren was not diety nor was he a saint.  Now, the definition of “an idol”….there might be something to it….  I grew to greatly  admire, love, and (in a way) revere him….(that’ll be an interesting topic to write about in the future)….

RE:  MY SHRINE:  I have a group of three photos of Loren and I sitting on an end table along a wall.  One, a wedding photo. One, a photo of Loren and I participating in a vow renewal service at church, for multiples of couples, 25 years ago.  The last picture,  Loren and I in 2014. On a wall in a nearby alcove there hangs a very large picture of Loren, the same picture that was at the front of the church during his Memorial Service.

On another end table 4 feet away is a photo of Loren, myself, our children and grandkids….this photo was taken 8 months prior to his passing, amazingly enough, on his 60th birthday.  (Loren had strategically placed this photo so he could see the photo as he walked through the living room towards our bedroom).

On the grand piano, 20 feet away, sits a photo of Loren and his mother (two loved ones who are now in heaven).  There are also photos of two daughters and their weddings, with other random family photos (ALL pictures taken since he’s passed).

Should you visit my home and think I have a shrine, you need to know:

  • A few months before he unexpectedly passed, Loren had been saying, “We do NOT have ENOUGH pictures of our family displayed in our house” (to him, photos on the computer and cell phone were not adequate and I had become lax on displaying photos).
  • Loren was the one who voluntarily went to Goodwill and Target, in one evening, and purchased close to 10 photo frames and brought them home.
  • I then painted the picture frames.
  • We, together, placed pictures of the family in the great room.
  • My husband was a sentimental man. He carried pictures of each of the kids and grandkids in his wallet and proudly showed them to others.

And really, who’s business is it anyways to suggest how many photos a person should or should not have in their home?  Is not my home my place to enjoy?  And (to defend myself) I am not stuck in time (as far as my home goes).  I have redecorated my Master Bedroom.  I have reorganized rooms and am in the process of sorting things, still.  I have brought out pretty things that women typically enjoy (I had them boxed up for years) and now display them in my dining room….and, yes…. an almost smirk-ish smile STILL comes on my face when I think of the “idol and shrine” comments.   But I will choose to continue friendship with these ladies and learn to practice “speaking up”  instead of “reacting” in speechlessness… that is, when I hear random opinions that I wouldn’t believe to be the gospel truth…..for me.

I must tell you, though, Loren would be ELATED that I still have a “shrine” of he and our family.  Makes me giddy happy just thinkin’ about it.  WHY HADN’T I DONE THIS SOONER? 

 

I’m LiVing in 3 WoRLds and Will I Ever FIT IN?

Children, Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Family, Fighting to grow, Grandchildren, Grief, grief at 4 years, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood, Widows and aloneness

Today at 4 years and 1  1/2 months out,  I alarmingly realized I am living in 3 worlds and haven’t yet accomplished living in “one” world.  Will I ever?  Am I even supposed to?

The “3 Worlds” that I find myself floating between, beside, under, above or IN are:

  • “THE PAST” that I lived with Loren.
  • “THE PRESENT” which I didn’t choose or hope for.
  • “THE FUTURE” with one foot (my heart) in Heaven and still “THE FUTURE”… continuing on as I am…as a widow.   Other than enjoying the consistency of my job for the Willamina School District and teaching my private piano and private voice students,  I often feel   I.   DON’T.   FIT.   IN. 

    1.  As  a single person I struggle to fit in at church.  Who does a person sit with?  Does every other single person hate arriving and leaving by themselves?  Does every other single person hate the unknown plans after leaving church, whether they will be eating by themselves or with family or friends?  And then, am I the only person who can HARDLY  WAIT to get home after that? …to that place that feels most comfortable, where I can control my  “internal peace meter”.

    2. Because of extenuating circumstances I no longer have the privilege of serving on a worship team…the one place, since I was in my teens, where I flourished and felt revived.  I no longer have that one free night a week to drive and dedicate those hours of rehearsal.  And now, these few years of crying uncountable tears has basically thrashed the once-controlled-voice.

3.  Even though all of my adult children (and spouses)  are simply wonderful to me, sometimes I still feel like  I.  DO.  NOT.  FIT.  IN.   It’s a quandry where I often feel torn:

  • Feeling disgusted at myself that I even notice  how I feel, telling myself that I should be highly grateful to see my children being happy, that they are  even wanting to spend time with me.
  • Feeling grateful that somehow Loren’s death has meaningfully strengthened familial relationships and our adoration toward each other.
  • Feeling deliberate to put that smile on my face and do my best to join in the current festivity because I am all too aware I will be returning to my silent abode.
  • Feeling happy to be with my family yet sometimes feeling dreadfully alone with them.

Can I just become Superman and unwind my life back to 4 years and 1  1/2 months ago?…  but that doesn’t seem quite right to be selfish…to go back in time, assuming I had the power to change the course of events…to do that would mean my incredible grandson Lincoln would never have been born….that my two glorious son-in-laws may not be part of our family….which would mean 3 of my 4 children may not be where THEY are at today (with the “happiness meter”, I mean).

I now see, this blog has been very therapeutic.  Yes, for the ultimate good of everyone I believe I must target more contentment….that is,  choosing to somehow thrive in the world I am now placed in, even if I never feel like I’m living in “one world”.

 

 

 

“My dad WAS SUPPOSED TO walk me down the aisle” (Brenna’s heartache)

Children, Daughter MIssing Father at Wedding, Daughters Losing their Fathers, Doing New Things, Family, Grandchildren, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

                                                                                                    FOUR YEARS

After I saw my dad I vividly remember the words that spilled out of my mouth through tears:  “Who is going to walk me down the aisle when I get married?”“  I wasn’t engaged.  I didn’t have a boyfriend.  I hadn’t even MET my future husband!  But I knew that the most important man in my life for the past 24 years was going to miss one of the most important days of my life.  He was going to miss one of the most significant roles a father can play for his daughters.

In a sense, I think I dreaded my future wedding day since the day he died.   He was supposed to be there.  He was supposed to  hold my hand as he walked me down the aisle.  He was supposed to give me away.  He was supposed to cry while doing it all – and for those of you who knew him, you know that those tears would have been running down his face.  He was supposed to dance with me to Tony Bennett singing, “The Way You Look Tonight”. He was supposed  to give me one of his enveloping hugs as I was whisked away with my new husband.  He was supposed to…. but death took that all away from me….it took it away from BOTH of us.

Nine and a half months ago that “dreaded” wedding day came.  Although his physical body wasn’t present, I knew my dad was there.  I felt him.

He was there in the front row where the quilt made out of his shirts sat, saving his seat.  He was there in the boutonniere pinned on that quilt where his Winco shirt read, “Loren”, right next to our picture.  He was there in his handwriting on my tattoo.  He was there in my mom as she walked me down the aisle and gave me away with the words, “Her father and I”.  He was there during the ceremony as I told Eugene how much my dad would have loved him for loving me so well.  He was there.  I know it….and I believe everyone who was at my wedding, who knew my dad, knows it as well.

I think someday, when I am reunited with my dad in heaven, we will talk about my wedding.  We will talk about how much we BOTH loved that day!

He may no longer be here in the flesh but I believe he is not missing out on everything.  He is still with us.

That doesn’t mean we don’t grieve.  OH, how we continue to grieve!  I miss my dad.  I never knew I could miss someone so much.  My heart aches to see him again, to talk with him again, to hug him again.  I long for my husband to know my dad and for my dad to know my husband.  I long the same for our future babies.

One of the last pictures of Brenna and her dad together. December 2014.

My nephew, Lincoln, was born 3 ½ months after my dad died.  But he knows his “Papa Loren”.  He talks about him often.  He points him out in pictures.  He prays for him.  He asks to visit him.  He loves his Papa and he knows that he is loved by him.

I am sad that my future babies won’t be held by their “Papa Loren”.  But I don’t have to dread their births as I dreaded my wedding day.  They may not experience his love in person, but they will know his love just as my nephew Lincoln does. I am confident of this because as history has shown,  although my dad is no longer with us on this earth, he is still here!

                                                                                                                         FOUR YEARS AND COUNTING.

 

SECONDARY LOSSES and Sexual Bereavement

Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, Marriage, Miscellaneous, resolutions for the widow, Sexual Bereavement, widowhood, Widows and aloneness

We’ve all seen this “Secondary Losses” Chart.  I had too.   Because I have lost my spouse, I feel there is a missing “sphere/circle” on this chart.

That is,  SEXUAL BEREAVEMENT: “The loss of the mutual coping patterns that develop over a long period of time in a loving, enduring sexual relationship that cannot be fixed or replaced easily”,   written by Dr. Alice Radosh,  Neuro- psychologist from City University of New York.

Well said, Dr. Radosh.  Well said.  Until I inadvertently came across her online article I had not been aware of the actual terminology “Sexual Bereavement” but I most certainly have experienced it.  I was emotionally and physically bonded to Loren for  37 years.  Until one loses that powerful connection with a spouse I’m not sure a person can fully appreciate or understand the magnitude of loss…..

In addition, the British Dictionary describes BEREAVEMENT as: “the condition of being deprived of something or someone valued, especially through death.”

By now I’m sure there are varying reactions from you readers. Possibly, “This topic needs to remain private”.  Some of your thoughts may include, “Find a man.”  “It’s time you move on and get over him.”  Or, “Thank you for being brave enough to talk about this component of widowhood”.

Believe me, my closest widow girlfriends and I periodically discuss the predicament.  We deeply loved our husbands and still love our deceased husbands.

For us, there is no easy solution….for we are governed by powerful memories and the desired continuity of peace from a clear conscience!!!

After 3 years, I’m finally adjusting to the routine of living single, however, it is just now that I am starting to face the hardcore fact  that there are facets of my world that may never again feel “right”.  That realization feels dauntingly painful at times.

I’m just grateful I’ve learned to healthily cope with the adjustments.

“So, God, I’m thankful You’ve given me the grace to stay on course… and the gift of a good dose of common sense.”