Category Archives: Grandchildren

WHAT I’VE LEARNED ABOUT MARRIAGE AFTER MY HUSBAND’S PASSING

November 10, 2016Children, Death, Faith in God, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Marriage, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

We ended up with the story book marriage but I’d be lying to say our 37 year marriage didn’t have rough patches, daunting flaws. It’s my opinion a high percentage of marriages are just like mine was. Far less than perfect. At times highly exhilarating. Satisfying but exhausting. As a widow, I’ve been purposing to reminisce, to recall, to honestly re-visit “us”. That is, looking at Loren and my marriage from every angle, every side. I’m now learning to apply that “19 -month- out- understanding” so I can continue with this process. That grief process.

My marriage was exhausting because:

It took effort to give up selfishness.

I feel this picture describes many marriages, even Christian marriages.

It took effort to actively cleave to my spouse (as if climbing a steep mountain).
It took effort to maintain the “we are a team” spirit.

It took effort to continue learning about him, that is, what his new developed hobbies might be. (Because he had so many varied interests it took me a long time to embrace that idea).

It took effort to “pick our battles”. There will always be things that aggravate you about your loved one.

My marriage was exhilarating because:

My greatest highs / peaks were with Loren (wedding, children’s births, vacations, special events, our intimate times).

I had someone who put me first before anything else.

I had someone who challenged me to try new things (racing at the Drag Strip, becoming an NRA instructor, driving dump truck and log truck).

I had someone to communicate with. To discuss life with. To develop ideas with. To dream with.

My marriage was satisfying because:

We were seeing the rewards of commitment, the fruit of our labor and effort in our marriage.

We were providing stability for our grown adult children and our grandchildren.

We were relishing our empty nest years together. Finally, again having time to ourselves, as if newlyweds.

Some of the harsh realities I am just now starting to “mull over” are:

Even with Loren being gone, I’m still me. An aged version, a changed version, but still me.
I didn’t find my ultimate happiness just because he was my spouse.
My self esteem wasn’t determined by what my spouse thought of me.
My husband couldn’t ultimately meet my spiritual needs. He also couldn’t ultimately hinder my spiritual growth.
I was the one who backed off and let him take over certain responsibilities when, in reality, it would’ve been better if we would have taken turns in a greater variety of responsibilities. Doing that, adjusting to becoming a widow might’ve been easier.
I can’t use this widow situation as a cop out for losing momentum in life.
I mustn’t give in to the lie that life will forever be incomplete without Loren. (I’m still pondering this thought because my heart tells me something very different).
I can’t bury myself with him, even though I initially wanted to die with him.

“So God. I’m gaining some perspective. I’m not sure how it all goes together so please guide me. Amen.”

TIME and GRANDKIDS with GRIEF

September 21, 2016Children, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Loss, Marriage, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

This past weekend I enjoyed 4 of my 6 grandchildren, ages 13 months to 10 years old, at my home. I always look forward to time with them. Time with me, I’m aware, that won’t always be readily available as they get older and become more involved in extra-curricular activities. Midst the hugs and contentment, I shed more tears than I’ve shed in prior weeks combined. I did my best to conceal my tears because I don’t want to ruin their time when they come out to the ranch.

I grabbed on to the time with the kiddos and purposed to cement wonderful memories into my heart and brain. Mental pictures and literal pictures. Yet, time with the grandkids was equally painful this time ’round. Adeline is stretching up. Olivia is growing too fast. Ireland also. Lincoln seems to change from day to day. And my greatest pain is that grandpa is missing out on these changes. His grandchildren brought him deep joy. Because Loren and I didn’t do the greatest job parenting our 4 children as a team, we, as a couple, relished our 2nd chance…this time as grandparents…having more wisdom of what to do and what not to do. 6DG_3857

The grandkids and I kept our routine. Ate Cinnamon Crunch cereal. Oreo’s. Ate at Coyote Joe’s. Popcorn at 10 p.m.

I also danced my heart out with the girlies. Just like Loren and I used to do with the girlies. To our favorite BEE GEE’S CD. That was the first time the crushing sorrow hit me on Saturday. Even then I wondered how I could have so much fun with them while the wind was being knocked out of me….that blow from death. That unrelenting blow that collides into your heart first, then overtaking the body and the energy.

Olivia reminisced how she was “grandpa’s little woodcutting helper”. She reminisced about helping grandpa measure each piece of firewood at a perfect length. She’s also very proud she was the one who helped him sort brass.

Adeline reminisced how “grandpa would sneak some of her blueberries” when they were eating dinner. She reminisced how he liked to grab bites of food here and there whenever we were in the kitchen. Plus she loved how he would be the one who would cut her waffles or pancakes.

Then at bedtime we prayed. This time both Adeline and Olivia asked me, “Grandma, will you pray and tell Grandpa “hi” for us in heaven?” I just about choked. But, with childlike faith we prayed. I asked Jesus to tell Grandpa “hi” and let him know we all love him and miss him. I’m still crying over this prayer request. Might be for a great while.

“Dear God, I hope in time every Birthday party, every Holiday, every event spent with the grandkids won’t always bear this level of pain. Help me to adjust to happiness and sorrow co-mingling. Dangling in between is a hard, hard place to be. I want to be free of this ‘in between place’ so I can be happy like the children. “

I TALK TO HIS PICTURE SOMETIMES

August 31, 2016Children, Death, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Loss, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

IMG_0656 (1) — This picture of Loren is the exact picture that is mounted on the wall.

Many people in grief are afraid to honestly share lest they be viewed as mentally unstable. We’re not mentally unstable. We’re not in denial. We’re walking our walk through the valley of the shadow of death. We’ll come out on the other side. In the meantime……

Most mornings and most nights I stop and look at Loren’s larger- than- life picture mounted on the wall near our bedroom door. That is, the large picture that was displayed at the front of the church at his memorial service a year ago April 2015. My man looks so stately in that picture. When I mounted it on the wall, just days after the service, I declared out loud, “You still are the patriarch of this home and I’ll always love you. I know a house is just a physical place on earth but this picture belongs here so I can see you as I come and go”.

Sometimes I stand and smile lovingly into his eyes with a smile on my face, feeling peaceful. Some days I stand and say, “I’ll always love you.” It’s the next best thing to having him here.

Today I couldn’t smile. In fact, I couldn’t see his facial features because my eyes were blurry with tears. Memories simply aren’t enough.

Some days I briefly tell him, “Honey, I’m home!” Of course I know he’s not in our home but I think I say those words for myself. To hear my voice speaking to someone as I enter our home after a day at work. And to have said those words is enough. Enough for then, at least.

Months back a thought flitted through my mind as I stopped to smile at his face. “Wouldn’t it be amazing if this picture was a portal? An open place between heaven and earth where he and I could see each other and just briefly sense each other?” Of course I knew this was highly unlikely but that thought comforted me somehow. Non-the-less, I feel a draw when I stand in front of that picture. I’ve discovered something new: so does my 13 month old grandson who has never met his grandfather here on earth!! He smiles and literally giggles out loud when he is lifted in front of that picture…while reaching his hands upward and forward to touch his beard. You’d have to see it to believe it!

Tonight I’m going to step out on to the deck. I’m going to reach my hands up towards the stars in the heavens and say, “Even though I can’t be with you, dear husband and only one I love, I know where you are and Whom you are with. I sorrow for myself but I rejoice for you, for YOU are with your Maker!”

“So God, I know the pain is just for a moment in the scope of eternity. Keep giving me the necessary perspective to grow through grief. ”

QUESTION: Can you name other things that you’ve seen people in grief do ~ as their way of helping them go through the process of letting go and moving forward?