Category Archives: Children

SOME OF THE Surprising THINGS I’ve Had to DO

Children, Christian Widows, decision making, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, Miscellaneous, Widows and aloneness

As 2018 draws closer to an end, I’ve been reflecting on the multiples of adjustments I’ve had to make.  Because I’ve made the decision to stay on the ranch, continue working at the same job and also keep my business in town, along with the rental, many might assume I’ve not experienced some upheaval.   NOT TRUE!  In all facets of my life I’ve had to “consider the cost”…sometimes daily…how every “Life Choice” will cost me  emotionally, physically, spiritually and, many times, financially.

SOME OF THE SURPRISING THINGS I’VE HAD TO DO FOR MY PHYSICAL WELL-BEING:

  • #1)  Go to my Doctor and purposefully request anti-anxiety medication to help me have better cognitive skills. The day after Loren’s funeral the anguish peaked. I also felt overwhelmed knowing I’d have massive decisions to make…. So, THAT VERY DAY I started seeing my Dr every 2 weeks for the first 3 months and then every 4 weeks up through the end of that 1st year.  By the end of those 12 months I was successfully weaned off of the medication.  (Grief greatly changed my ability to concentrate and focus)!
  • #2)   (as of 16 months ago) Stop being the Music Specialist at the School (the increasing headaches from the stress of teaching and decision-making were literally screaming, “You need to change, Julia”,  plus my same Family Physician, of 30 years, was advising a change might be wise).
  • #3)  Start hiring two of Loren’s retired friends to do the strenuous outside work that Loren used to do (running the chainsaws, keeping the back trails open and climbing  tall ladders).
  • #4)  Ask Jasmine and Brenna to help me clean the gutters, clean moss off the roofs, and vacuum the 22’ high ceiling (I still do layers of the inside and outside work but there are some jobs you just don’t do when you’re by yourself).
  • #5)   Have more down time. (my body requires it nowadays).

MORE OF THE SURPRISING THINGS I’VE HAD TO DO:

  • #6)  Be taxed FAR GREATER as a single person which means the money doesn’t spread NEAR as far (Loren and I, as a married couple, were only taxed 2% MORE and the income was more than DOUBLE what mine is now)!
  • #7)  Update and revise the existing Will and my Advanced Health Directive  via my lawyer since I am now the sole controller of my children’s future inheritance.  (My lawyer advised me to choose a primary and secondary Executor of my Estate, a primary and secondary Power of Attorney, and primary and secondary Health Representative.  I also have  named my 4 children as beneficiaries).
  • #8)  Weekly visit my mentor/counselor/friend/spiritual comrade Mary Elizabeth so I can better navigate the changes in my life (I’ve learned that I need someone to “talk out” my concerns and options with.  I used to do that with Loren).

MORE new AREAS I AM FORCED TO GROW IN (as a now- single- person)

  • #9) To become comfortable as the sole visionary person with the long-distanced foresight (I’m still searching for the periodic financial advisor to replace my father who passed in 2018).
  • #10) To come to the point of acceptance that I am simply unwilling to “restart” my life in another community or capacity (life is not an “adventure” without Loren.  I like familiarity.  I am doing well learning to be satisfied).
  • #11) To admit that I may never want to explore a new hobby by myself  (yes, I have given up Drag Racing and teaching Gun Safety classes because it’s too painful to do it alone.  Those were “he and I together” activities).

So, here I am at 3 ½ years out and the journey still has its jolting bumps and ruts.  But I can now break into a quick exuberant laugh and I give frequent warm hugs!

I want to feel more confident. I want deep peace.  As much as I trust in the Lord and believe that God is in control I still very much like the thought that “I can control a level of my continuity”.

……..I sometimes think his sudden traumatic death (and my desperate attempt to revive him) is the clincher that makes me all-the-more cling to the “likeable thought” of ME controlling my continuity…… 

In the meantime,  I’ll STILL PULL UP MY BIG GIRL BRITCHES and CARRY ON!  

 

CHOOSING my life SCENARIOS and upcoming WEDDINGS

Children, Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, decision making, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, healthy boundaries, resolutions for the widow, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Marriage

 

 My naïve inexperienced heart-full-of-grief had no understanding of the depth and breadth of changes that might come my way.  That is, the two voicemails, the one letter, and the one email.  From four men.  Two I knew.  Two not.  ALL WITHIN THE FIRST FIVE DAYS of his passing ~ before his Memorial service!  Quite frankly, I was blind-sided, even offended, how these people could be so brazen!  In my heart, I was not a candidate for contact with them or their private messages. They surely didn’t understand Loren and my marital love and commitment.  Nor did they understand the nature of grief!

Simply put, I was not available!  But since Loren has passed, two of our daughters became available.  Brianne married in 2016.  Brenna will be marrying soon.

Watching their newly found love(s) has prompted increased happy reflections of Loren and I while also creating  conflict  ~ amplifying the loneliness. All while I continue the process of learning to be happy. By myself.

 

After much contemplation,  I’ve concluded there are varying scenarios I could live by:

 

The “EASY WAY OUT” scenarios:

  • Date and quickly marry another person (yes, it would certainly relieve the financial adjustments that most widows face but I’m not a big risk-taker. Nor a gambler…nor am I interested in taking on another family…I already have 4 kids and 6 grand kids.  I have a hard enough time spreading my time amongst them)!

 

  • Find male friends for random dinner dates (but I’ve been advised this simply won’t work, long term, especially with my choice to not be sexually active outside of marriage.  And, YES, my girlfriends are awesome but it’s just not the same).

 

  • Shut myself off from the world and become reclusive. Read multiple chick – books to live vicariously through the characters.  Watch multiple movies throughout the week to avoid my life as it is.

 

The “WAY  I’ve  CHOSEN  to  LIVE  it  OUT ” scenario:

  • Keep working to improve myself.  Keep forging ahead even when it hurts.

 

  • Keep serving God with intention by living a principled life,  purposing to be an example of  “WHAT TO DO”  vs being a casualty of  “WHAT NOT TO DO”.

 

  • Keep living my widowhood motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”. ( I learned long ago that I am happiest living with a clean conscience).

 

  • Have LOTS of fun with the right people in the right settings!!!

 

So, if my motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”,  remains my yardstick and compass I determine I will be a wise woman!

  • A woman with no regrets.  With nothing to hide.

 

  • A woman who won’t settle.  Period.

 

  • A woman who can hold her head high with her spirit remaining deeply humbled before her Almighty God, because she alone knows how deep the loneliness struggle can be.

 

“God give me the grace and power to live widowhood honorably and pleasing to You. Amen.”

 

 

 

DECEMBER, beautiful POIGNANT December

Children, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Holidays and Grief, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays, widowhood

Four weeks back I had determined  I’d walk the big malls and decorated streets in down town Portland.  I was ready to enjoy new sights and sounds of Christmas in the air.  Excited to try something new with my children.  Simply put, I was ready to add a new tradition to the Holiday season.  That is until I “bit the sidewalk” 4 weeks ago which has left me hobbling on crutches!

At 34 months, I’ve come to realize navigating the month of December is almost as difficult  as the day of our wedding anniversary!  Certainly more difficult than Loren’s birthday.  Even more difficult than Valentine’s Day.  I’ve always known I’m a person who’s easily triggered by memories.

Loren and Adeline sitting on the front row at Willamina Elementary Christmas Concert 2014
Grandpa Loren holding Adeline on the front row at his last Elementary Christmas Concert in 2014

But Christmastime will forever be full of happy memories, with Loren remaining a part of those memories!

  • Our first “impromptu date” was while Christmas caroling in December 1977. I’d just briefly met him a month or two earlier yet he invited me to hop up into his pickup, to ride with him as we  church carolers traveled to different homes in the McMinnville countryside.  After singing we headed back to my parent’s farm for hot chocolate and snacks.  It was that night I invited Loren to “the barn” to introduce him to my horses, to my favorite place to hang out.  It was there we had a get-to-the-nuts-and-bolts conversation.  We were both forthright people if we wanted something.  We both saw something ~ someone(s) that we wanted.    The month of December!
  • Throughout the course of our marriage I learned how the Christmas season held apprehension and unrest for him as a child, even as a teenager. As his wife, I did everything possible to facilitate situations where Loren would learn to experience the Christmas season with expectation, even happiness.  I’m thankful he eventually found that feeling.  He found the pleasures of Christmas.
  • For years we drove around enjoying the Christmas light displays in subdivisions. In December 2014 we had pulled our car over and parked along Main Street in Willamina.  The snow was gently falling.  We sat there a good 30 minutes while taking in the beauty of quiet Main Street with the plenteous Christmas lights strung across the avenue.    Beautiful December.   Full of love and peace.
  • Once we had built our log home in the woods, we annually trekked on our property and found the perfect tree to reside in our home. Cut down by Loren.  Carried by Loren.  Carefully and precisely mounted in its stand, by Loren.  Full of expectation but all for our kids and grand kids who would come experience Christmas day with us.
  • Grandpa Loren and I baked Holiday sugar cookies with our granddaughters, Olivia and Adeline.  Even if grandpa had worked the night before he’d still pull himself out of bed to come in the kitchen and cut the cookie dough with the cookie cutters. December.  Wonderfully – smelling December.  This tradition still continues.
  • Loren, all four children, along with the grandchildren attended every Elementary School Concert I was directing.  The whole clan sat on the front row.  I reveled in the support. This is the first year this has not happened because I requested to not teach music this year.  A sad but necessary and wise decision, to take care of myself.  December.  A new season of change this December.
  • Before opening gifts, each year Loren sat the children and grandchildren down and read a new Christmas story!  Through the  years, he was the one who carefully shopped and selected that new hardback book to read each year.   Sad December…and no one has yet wanted to OR tried to replace grandpa Loren’s role in reading a new Christmas story……..

But come Christmas  the loud music will be roaring.  The “dancing til we drop”, to Bee Gee’s music,  will continue.   The grandkids, grandma, and aunt Brenna (hopefully) laughing and twirling in circles will continue.


And more than anything I’m counting on still feeling his presence……

December.  So full of memories.  O, how I love you.

P.S.   For the 1st time ever,  this weekend I’m taking the grandkids to see THE NUTCRACKER.

TURNING CORNERS in the MAZE with “Ah Ha’s” and the APPROACHING Holidays

attending funerals, Children, Death, friendships, Grandchildren, Grief, Holidays and Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous

Tomorrow I have another funeral to attend.  This time for a friend, my pastor who could preach an awesome sermon in 20 minutes!  She was a lady who graced my life. Once a  week we messaged each other on Facebook before she went to her evening yoga class. I admired her strength, courage, and example as a single, godly woman. As the Fire District’s Chaplain, she was the first person to arrive at my house while the EMT’s were working on Loren.  She also spoke at Loren’s memoriab6d033eabbc51311c50231d495cfeadal service.

There’s never a perfect time for death but the Holiday season makes it worse. I’m grateful my daughters and granddaughters will be seated beside me at her service.  Because of Pastor Connie’s early-in-life passing, that ol’ enemy has rose its ugly head again.  The ol’ enemy of death and sorrow.

Seems like I keep making my way back to the maze.  Around, inside the maze of grief.

At 31 months I recognize I’ve turned one more corner in the maze.  At this moment I’m thinking it’s not a friendly corner: 

  • There never comes a solace or a fulfilling end when I am feeling deep loss and alone-ness. While married to Loren I could always count on a hug or a time of connection and intimacy ~ even if after a time of tension and disagreement. There always came a time for glorious touch and affirmation from the human being you shared your life with.
  • Not so in grief. There are times of relief, yet rarely that deep sense of peace and satisfaction feeling that the world is awesome.  Feeling like I’m on top of the world.
  • I don’t find myself avoiding other’s fresh pain in their time of loss…however MY current challenge is to NOT LET MYSELF go into the deep valley alongside them. For I’m intently and purposefully climbing out of that familiar valley of the shadow of death and I cannot let myself return to the deepest crevice where I once stayed for a long time.
  • I’m learning it’s a difficult dance to care and grieve.

 I also know I need to care for myself.  I DID on Tuesday.  After a late afternoon Dr appointment I didn’t rush back to attend Grief Share because I found myself at a new low spot with the Holidays here and Pastor Connie’s passing.  You’d think being at Grief Share might’ve brought comfort.  But I knew it wouldn’t. Being around other deep sadness might’ve been too much…tipping the balance scale.

So I went to Subway.  On that cool, dark evening, I sat in a booth by myself and ate a roasted chicken sandwich.  I watched people.  I savored in the thankfulness that I had a warm house full of memories waiting for my arrival.

And, I then periodically sobbed torrential tears during my 45 minute drive from Salem to my haven.

When at home I snuggled in a blanket wearing  Loren’s robe, seated in Loren’s lazy boy chair in our bedroom, watching our favorite shows we enjoyed watching together.

I survived that day but certainly didn’t thrive.  And tomorrow appeared and I started over again, believing that day would be better.  All while serving and trusting God.

The TOP 4 QUESTIONS you MAY be CURIOUS to ASK THIS WIDOW

Children, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Grandchildren, healthy boundaries, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood

I’m like you.  Respectful enough to NOT ask every curious question that pops in to my head.  Understanding those basic rules of privacy.  However, the older I have become I have learned to embrace the concept of being candid!

That is, carefully and cautiously candid.

From what I’ve been told, the following 4 questions are questions many people are curious about ~ when it comes to widows.

  • Did your desire for intimacy and sex end when he died?
  • What determines if you be sexually active?
  • Do you see yourself re-marrying?
  • What is the key advice you’d give to a new widow?

 

  • RE: Does the desire for sex and intimacy end after your loved one dies?

    No!  In fact, a person’s physical desires often return within mere months.  I’ve also found my desire for emotional intimacy with Loren continues 24/7.Julia summer 2014 road trip

     I must say, losing my spouse has “thrown me inside my engine”. Tossed me around inside my core…. forcing me to see what I am truly made of.  Losing my companion and lover of 37 years has given me a harsh reality to face….. of what I am capable of.   Many would say I have “an excuse… a real reason” to re-adjust my lifestyle.  To “adjust my morals” because I am no longer married.

    RE: What then stops you from being sexually active since becoming a widow?

    My answer is threefold.

    First, at month four I prayed to the Lord  that He help  curb the desires.  God has helped me and I do my part in avoiding situations.

    Secondly, statistics and professionals state women become easily bonded to sexual partners.  I know how bonded I was (and still am!) to my deceased husband.  I don’t know how to NOT love deeply.  How NOT to bond deeply.  How NOT to pour my body and soul in to a partner.  Thus, I refuse to flippantly share my sexuality freely.  I’m stubborn.  And I believe God knows what is best for us!

    Third and not the least of importance, I’m very concerned I would change….I very much care that my kids and grand kids not “lose” the mom/grandma they knew before his passing.  They’ve already lost their dad/grandpa.

RE:  Do you ever see yourself re-marrying?

The first year after he passed I said, “Absolutely not!  My heart will forever be with Loren.”

At month 28 I say, “I’m learning to be content being single.  I miss most aspects of marriage and I very much miss him! I wish he was here in body and my love for him has not stopped.  I’m not looking to find someone else.

And quite frankly, I can’t imagine there is someone out there who would ever be as awesome, as annoying, as gifted, and as perfect for me as he was.  Besides, who wants to have to train someone else to fit in to MY ways?  (now that I’m learning how to put myself first).

RE:  What is the key advice you’d give to a new widow?

Within a few days of Loren’s passing, his sister Joyce told me, “Julie, this is going to be the hardest thing you’ll ever do!”  She’s right.  She knew.  She became a widow before I did.

So, WHAT WOULD I TELL THE NEW WIDOW?  What would I say to her…in small increments…as not to overwhelm her?

  • “This will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done”.
  • “Feel the pain. Don’t run from the pain.  You’ll face it sooner.  And later”.
  • “Grieve hard. But don’t stop loving other’s deeply”.
  • “I love you. I’m so sorry you hurt.  I’m here”.

God be with us all.  In our pursuit to live wholeheartedly for God. To live honorably in our mind, body and soul.

 

 

 

 

THAT MAGIC 2 YEAR MARK and LOVING LIKE YOU’RE GONNA LOSE THEM

Children, Death, Faith in God, Family, Grief, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous

It’s March. I think my body and emotions will forever remember this time of the year.  As time presses closer the world seems to close in. I have to fight tunnel vision.  Every task seems strenuous. I’m physically exhausted again.  Feeling like I’m back to point A in the grief, but I know I’m not. Things are better.

 If I sound abstract it’s only because I feel abstract.  As an abstract painting.   Happy and sad colors splashed in random places.

I had purposed to retain every memory of he & I, every scent, every emotion…I honestly thought I might remember every minuet detail because in our empty nest years we had found heightened pleasure by living in the moment, living in “our moments”.  But I find myself forgetting the depth of the emotions.  This brings deep angst.

I now think I knew I was going to lose him….because snippets of memories periodically pass through my mind.  How I sensed we weren’t going to live to a ripe old age together.  How I tried to ignore my thoughts, thinking they were mere fears. How I felt driven, compelled, even spurred on to love him with unbridled passion and fervence.  All as if there were no tomorrow.  All as if wanting to partake of every good thing with and in each other.

In hindsight I know, for certain, that he had a sense that our time would come to an end earlier than we wanted….by the things he said, even the day before he unexpectedly passed.  Things he had said to our children at a Thanksgiving dinner. Things he had said to the Gingerich family on his 60th birthday.

Thankfully I had taken the time to gaze at him, to savor those precious moments and let time stand still with him.  We had learned to vacation within our home.  We had learned to let the world slip by.  No words of love were held back.

But I go forward. Yes, with God.  Not lost ~  but certainly by myself.  (But I still wonder if our loved ones  in heaven aren’t praying and caring for us….I swear I feel this).

TOP 10 THINGS I’M DISCOVERING AT 21 MONTHS

Children, Death, Faith in God, Family, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous

cropped-Julia-56-years-old.-February-2014.jpg

Since his passing I’ve learned positive things.  Things that can contribute to my overall growth as an adult woman.  I am learning to be content without him. I’ve also discovered sorrowful things, but I am focused on pushing through this grief…to not just circle around the grief and avoid the deep pooled places.  Because I believe.  Eventually.  In time.  I will come out on the other side.

TOP 5 POSITIVE THINGS I AM LEARNING:

  • Love is eternal.  As the famous song from the movie Titanic says, “In my heart you’ll always go on.”  It does.  He does.  In my heart.
  • I’m stronger than I knew. Loren periodically told me, “Julia, you know more than you think you do.” In the areas where he was strong I had let him lead.  He was right.  I know more than I thought.  I am strong.
  • Our 4 children are a direct reflection of he & I. Even though they are strong individuals of their own worth, I look in to each of their eyes and see him.  Pictures of him.  Moments of him in increments of time.
  • My circumstances do not  hold the power to alter the character of who God is.
  • People haven’t changed. It’s me who has changed. The Julia “B.D.” (before his death”) vs the Julia “A.D.” (after his death).  I’m still learning what all of this means….

 

TOP 5 MOST DIFFICULT THINGS I AM LEARNING:

  • After 21 months out I am suddenly “on my own” in the grief journey. The truth be told, by this time many only miss him because they recognize the void in my life.
  • Not even my girlfriends, who are widows or grieving over their loved ones, can completely understand my loss.  We desperately want to understand each other ~ we try.   We reach out in support. At times afraid to be candid about our low, dark times.
  • Sometimes humans cannot bear each others pain.  My kids, my family & friends cannot cure that deep impenetrable hole, that tunnel, where I at times feel lost…even suffocated.
  • Sometimes I feel EVEN GOD cannot cure that deep impenetrable hole.
  • New, additional losses keep appearing. For example, his scent on his robe is still strong.  But the fresh memories associated with that robe are fading.  I’m afraid I’ll lose those special memories.  That scares me.

Even in all of this, I know I am moving forward healthily.  I’ve not avoided my grief. I’ve not denied my Faith and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.  I’ve not deterred the grief in drunkenness, men, overeating, or overspending.   I know myself ~ that I am a truth seeker ~ that I must face my reality head on.

And I know the day will come when this grief – reality – mission can be laid to rest.

“So, God I thank You.  In the eye of the storm You still see me. “

 

WHAT I’VE LEARNED ABOUT MARRIAGE AFTER MY HUSBAND’S PASSING

Children, Death, Faith in God, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Marriage, Miscellaneous

We ended up with the story book marriage but I’d be lying to say our 37 year marriage didn’t have rough patches, daunting flaws. It’s my opinion a high percentage of marriages are just like mine was. Far less than perfect. At times highly exhilarating. Satisfying but exhausting. As a widow, I’ve been purposing to reminisce, to recall, to honestly re-visit “us”.  That is, looking at Loren and my marriage from every angle, every side.  I’m now  learning to apply that “19 -month- out- understanding” so I can continue with this process.  That grief process.

My marriage was exhausting because:

  • It took effort to give up selfishness.
  • This image was captured the day after Loren's Celebration of Life.
    I feel this picture describes many marriages, even Christian marriages.

    It took effort to actively cleave to my spouse (as if climbing a steep mountain).

  • It took effort to maintain the “we are a team” spirit.
  • It took effort to continue learning about him, that is, what his new developed hobbies might be. (Because he had so many varied interests  it took me a long time to embrace that idea).
  • It took effort to “pick our battles”.  There will always be things that aggravate you about your loved one.

My marriage was exhilarating because:

  • My greatest highs / peaks were with Loren (wedding, children’s births, vacations, special events, our intimate times).
  • I had someone who put me first before anything else.
  • I had someone who challenged me to try new things (racing at the Drag Strip, becoming an NRA instructor, driving dump truck and log truck).
  • I had someone to communicate with. To discuss life with.  To develop ideas with.  To dream with.

My marriage was satisfying because:

  • We were seeing the rewards of commitment, the fruit of our labor and effort in our marriage.
  • We were providing stability for our grown adult children and our grandchildren.
  • We were relishing our empty nest years together. Finally, again having time to ourselves, as if newlyweds.

Some of the harsh realities I am just now starting to “mull over” are:

  • Even with Loren being gone, I’m still me. An aged version, a changed version, but still me.
  • I didn’t find my ultimate happiness just because he was my spouse.
  • My self esteem wasn’t determined by what my spouse thought of me.
  • My husband couldn’t ultimately meet my spiritual needs. He also couldn’t ultimately hinder my spiritual growth.
  • I was the one who backed off and let him take over certain responsibilities when, in reality, it would’ve been better if we would have taken turns in a greater variety of responsibilities.  Doing that, adjusting to becoming a widow might’ve been easier.
  • I can’t use this widow situation as a cop out for losing momentum in life.
  • I mustn’t give in to the lie that life will forever be incomplete without Loren.  (I’m still pondering this thought because my heart tells me something very different).
  • I can’t bury myself with him, even though I initially wanted to die with him.

“So God. I’m gaining some perspective.  I’m not sure how it all goes together so please guide me.  Amen.”

He said, “Your husband…..”

Children, Death, Family, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

This morning my chiropractor, whom I see every 6 months or so, made a statement to me, starting his sentence with the words, “Your husband……”  See, Loren had been a patient of Dr. Holton also, along with our daughter Brianne having been a childhood friend of his oldest daughter, Elizabeth.  Hearing the words “your husband” immediately brought a rush of warmth and calm to my heart and body.  Hearing those words equally brought quick, hot tears that burned my eyes and cheeks.

But, I welcomed those quick, hot tears because someone remembered him.  Someone spoke of him.  Someone referred to Loren and my life together.  Someone remembered him as my husband.

And it is well with me that Loren and I always be remembered together! Loren & Julia  Of course, he was his own strong – willed person full of wit and sarcasm.  I’m my own strong-willed person, too.   But we grew together.  We merged in to one together.  Merging into one was not an easy task for us.  But we accomplished it, together, as a team.  We had that “forever connection”. 

I’m grateful our marriage didn’t end in a painful divorce.  In our 37 years we went through periods of time where a wall of unspoken distance loomed. Even though we very much loved each other, there were periods of time we were not even friends…. lovers & raising a family together, yes.  But not close friends.  I have a life-long friend who is now walking through her own immense grief and pain because her husband has left her for another woman after 40 years of marriage.  THAT is pain.  THAT is the epitomy of grief.  Her layers of grief are different than mine, but nonetheless horrific.  Excruciating.  Haunting.

I’m forever grateful that Loren and his graduation to heaven happened in a season of renewed love.  I’m forever grateful our separation happened in a season of much companionship.  Happened in a season of close friendship, a season of undeniable commitment in heart, soul and body with multitudes of “I love  you’s” spoken to each other without restraint.  Unabandoned carefree love as happy empty nesters.  Unabandoned commitment.

Today Dr. Holton said, “Your husband….” Because of Loren’s passing I recognize we legally are not husband and wife but those 2 words are music to my ears for in my heart and mind Loren continues to be just that.  My husband.

TIME and GRANDKIDS with GRIEF

Children, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

This past weekend I enjoyed 4 of my 6 grandchildren, ages 13 months to 10 years old, at my home.  I always look forward to time with them.  Time with me, I’m aware, that won’t always be readily available as they get older and become more involved in extra-curricular activities.  Midst the hugs and contentment, I shed more tears than I’ve shed in prior weeks combined. I did my best to conceal my tears because I don’t want to ruin their time when they come out to the ranch.

I grabbed on to the time with the kiddos and purposed to cement wonderful memories into my heart and brain. Mental pictures and literal pictures.  Yet, time with the grandkids was equally painful this time ’round.  Adeline is stretching up.  Olivia is growing too fast.  Ireland also. Lincoln seems to change from day to day.   And my greatest pain is that grandpa is missing out on these changes.  His grandchildren brought him deep joy.  Because Loren and I didn’t do the greatest job parenting our 4 children as a team, we, as a couple, relished our 2nd chance…this time as grandparents…having more wisdom of what to do and what not to do.6DG_3857

The grandkids and I kept our routine.  Ate Cinnamon Crunch cereal.  Oreo’s.  Ate at Coyote Joe’s.  Popcorn at 10 p.m.

  • I also danced my heart out with the girlies. Just like Loren and I used to do with the girlies.  To our favorite BEE GEE’S CD.  That was the first time the crushing sorrow hit me on Saturday.  Even then I wondered how I could have so much fun with them while the wind was being knocked out of me….that blow from death.  That unrelenting blow that collides into your heart first, then overtaking the body and the energy.
  • Olivia reminisced how she was “grandpa’s little woodcutting helper”. She reminisced about helping grandpa measure each piece of firewood at a perfect length.  She’s also very proud she was the one who helped him sort brass.
  • Adeline reminisced how “grandpa would sneak some of her blueberries” when they were eating dinner. She reminisced how he liked to grab bites of food here and there whenever we were in the kitchen.  Plus she loved how he would be the one who would cut her waffles or pancakes.
  • Then at bedtime we prayed. This time both Adeline and Olivia asked me,  “Grandma, will you pray and tell Grandpa “hi” for us in heaven?” I just about choked.  But, with childlike faith we prayed.  I asked Jesus to tell Grandpa “hi” and let him know we all love him and miss him. I’m still crying over this prayer request. Might be for a great while.

“Dear God, I hope in time every Birthday party, every Holiday, every event spent with the grandkids won’t always bear this level of pain. Help me to adjust to happiness and sorrow co-mingling.  Dangling in between is a hard, hard place to be.  I want to be free of this ‘in between place’ so I can be happy like the children. “