Category Archives: Faith in God

NEW ACKNOWLEDGMENTS and EXPOSED STRUGGLES with HONEST WORSHIP

Faith in God, Grief, Miscellaneous

6DG_3857Just mere months after Loren had passed, my oldest brother Galen Gingerich, pastor of New Horizons Church in McMinnville, (http://New Horizons Church) had taken me out for lunch and while walking to the car he was quietly singing “YOU’RE A GOOD, GOOD FATHER…THAT’S WHO YOU ARE.…”  Not only did I feel dead inside, I truthfully cringed at those words. Something inside of me recoiled.  The God that I had known and served had not demonstrated His goodness towards me, especially with my husband’s sudden death introducing a level of trauma because I couldn’t revive him with CPR.  My pain was so deep ~  grief had it’s way.  Griefs way of blinding me from the goodness God had demonstrated in my life prior to ” THAT  day”.

Recently, while rocking grandson Lincoln before his bedtime, I found myself singing that exact song, “You’re a good, good Father…that’s who You are…and I’m loved by You, that’s who I am…”   I was suddenly surprised to discover a portion of the song  freely flowed from my lips.

This morning marks 21 months.  21 months since THAT day.  I am just now beginning to feel warmth when I sing of God’s love for me.  It’s become easy to sing of God’s love.  I so welcome the ability to once again feel God’s presence.

But I cannot sing, “YOU ARE PERFECT in all of Your ways…..YOU ARE PERFECT in all of Your Ways…”  It’s like my throat freezes.  No sound comes out.  I become stationery.  My body feels like lead. My mind  shifts into neutral… I feel like a mechanical robot. Just during that portion of the song. I can’t seem to sing those words. It would be difficult to force the words out plus I feel it would almost be a form of hypocrisy for me.  It’s like a portion of my widowed heart does not believe those words…..the words, “You are perfect in all of Your ways”.  For certain, I know my heart cannot acknowledge those words.  YET. 

Losing my spouse and purposing to grow through the loss has become my greatest spiritual challenge.  A difficult race.  Even a test, I wonder.  For years I have believed and confessed that God is in control of my life.  Deep inside I still believe that. I still put my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ but I just can’t see the big picture and since I have not readily embraced “the new picture I’m living inside of”, at times, I have turmoil inside of me.  I especially feel the turmoil on this one song.  During this one section of this  song.

But, in time  I’ll need to start singing those words….. “You are perfect in all of Your ways, You are perfect in all of Your ways…”.  I’ll need to sing those words in faith even if I don’t feel it or understand it.  And I know that time is drawing closer.  Closer to more surrender.  I just know it.

I’M MOVING and PROMISES

Death, Faith in God, Family, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

You could say I had been FROZEN.

Then I was STUCK.

SPEAKING OF STUCK………that makes me think a few years back when Loren and I, out of sheer necessity, were cleaning out a 2 1/2 feet deep water, silt-filled, mucky culvert in the back 40.  We each had shovels and knee high rubber boots on.  Well, we long ago learned to never go into a creek-line together, especially near a culvert,  so the other could pull ‘em out if needed.  Well, I sank in silt-mud up to my knees.  I was caught.  Loren yanked on me from the edge.  Neither boot of mine would budge.  We were laughing hysterically. Using his shovel, he tried to create pockets of air around my feet.  I was still stuck.  He cautiously stuck one foot on the edge of the creek-line to gain some leverage.  He started to sink.  He became stuck too. Our shovels were basically useless other than good handles to lean on. With much deliberate effort, we slid our feet out of our rubber boots and then crawled out of the muck. We were in wet, thick mud up to our elbows,  entire legs and bellies.  We never Sheridan-20121009-00096could retrieve my one stuck boot until the following summer after the water receded.

SOME MAY SAY I AM STILL STUCK because:

  • At 20 months-out-to- the-day, I’m still very much in love with my deceased husband. My heart is with him.
  • I love my life living in the home we built and shared.
  • I have no desire to change my residence or the memories that surround me at the ranch.
  • I’m not looking for another life with anyone else.

 

But, I SAY I AM MOVING FORWARD because:

  • I have found meaningful friendships. There is a lessened void.
  • I can now immerse myself in Biblical devotions and apply Truths without dwelling on grief.
  • I can now drive to church on Sunday mornings without the hot, flowing tears.
  • I can now eat in a restaurant by myself without feeling severe loneliness.
  • I no longer cringe when I hear the words “widow” and “single”. I AM those two words and I AM “OK” with it.  To refuse those labels would be a form of denial.  I feel it is my job to face this portion of my life head-on.  To live through it.  To live it out and learn to be content in it.  Whether I like it or not, I’ve been thrown into a new season.

Furthermore the truth is, every one of us will at some point in our life face a deep level of despair.   Every one of us will at some point feel like our world has fallen apart.  Every one of us will at some point question God’s goodness.  God never promised us a rose garden.  But, God does promise He will be with us.

“So, God, I’m thankful I’m no longer frozen.  I’m even thankful I can feel pain. I’m more thankful I’m not running from being alone and loneliness.  Thank you for the journey of contentment.  I thank You for helping me discover new things about myself.  Amen. “

MISSING THE GUYS, ALONE-NESS, and RESPECTING OTHER MARRIAGES

Faith in God, Family, Grief, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous

I miss hanging with Loren at the coffee shop.  I miss hanging with him while he’s talking with buddies about repairing quads, finding car or farm equipment parts, or solving the world’s problems. I miss hanging with Loren while we run into Skyberg Hardware to purchase farm supplies. I miss the drivers and dispatchers from Winco.  I knew some of them and their wives for 30 years. I miss the life of big equipment and trucks.  The list goes on.  But sometimes life’s circumstances insist we adjust……

1. ACCEPTING THE NECESSARY CHANGE OF MALE FRIENDSHIPS

99% of Loren’s male friends are married men who are concerned for my well-being.  Non-the-less, the dynamics of our relationships have dramatically changed. 

And the change HAD to happen. It’s all about wisdom.  Reciprocation.  Honoring another man and his wife.  Honoring their relationship and never doing anything to impede on that marriage’s well-being.   I would expect the same if the situations were reversed.  See, I’ve long witnessed needy single women hanging on to solid married men.

So, I now sit on the other side of the restaurant when I go in to Coyote Joe’s.  I often wave and say hi to the guys but no longer sit amongst a group of 6 – 10 men. Periodically one or two might give me a quick side hug and ask how I’m doing.

2.  ACCEPTING MY IDENTITY

Changes.  Changes. They feel magnified this fall/winter.  In reality, I’m not excluded. I’m blessed to live in a small town where I’m known because of my job with the School District along with owning and operating my Music Studio.   I’m blessed to live in a small town that knew Loren and I as joint business owners.  I’m blessed to live in a small town who knew Loren as the School Board’s Chairman.  Because we supported our local businesses, people knew us.  I’m still known.  I’m blessed.

3. EMBRACING  NEW FRIENDSHIPS

Loss dwells in me.  But I have been pro-active by becoming a part of a social circle of other single Christian ladies.  Sharing the same ugly loss.  Monthly we get together to laugh like young girls, eat a meal, shed a quick tear, and inevitably tell our most recent crazy stories that life has thrown at us.  I can’t imagine life without these precious friends.

4. RECOGNIZING WE ARE DESIGNED FOR COMPANIONSHIP

One thing I have learned.  We are designed for companionship.  God knew what He was talking about.  We are not meant to be alone.  However, I’m not convinced I want to re-marry.  My life is full with my family, increased responsibilities of maintaining the ranch,  and a job that puts me smack dab in the middle of 480 kids. Then there’s the biggest contributing factor in my thought process:  I still am very much in love with Loren. My heart is with him.

“So, God, so far I have made solid choices.  I’m going to keep listening to that still small voice in my heart.  Listening so I can stay in the center of Your will, because that is where I want to remain.  With You.  Amen.”

(BTW.  I may very well write a blog about the many reasons why not to remarry.  ha.)

WHAT I’VE LEARNED ABOUT MARRIAGE AFTER MY HUSBAND’S PASSING

Children, Death, Faith in God, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, Marriage, Miscellaneous

We ended up with the story book marriage but I’d be lying to say our 37 year marriage didn’t have rough patches, daunting flaws. It’s my opinion a high percentage of marriages are just like mine was. Far less than perfect. At times highly exhilarating. Satisfying but exhausting. As a widow, I’ve been purposing to reminisce, to recall, to honestly re-visit “us”.  That is, looking at Loren and my marriage from every angle, every side.  I’m now  learning to apply that “19 -month- out- understanding” so I can continue with this process.  That grief process.

My marriage was exhausting because:

  • It took effort to give up selfishness.
  • This image was captured the day after Loren's Celebration of Life.
    I feel this picture describes many marriages, even Christian marriages.

    It took effort to actively cleave to my spouse (as if climbing a steep mountain).

  • It took effort to maintain the “we are a team” spirit.
  • It took effort to continue learning about him, that is, what his new developed hobbies might be. (Because he had so many varied interests  it took me a long time to embrace that idea).
  • It took effort to “pick our battles”.  There will always be things that aggravate you about your loved one.

My marriage was exhilarating because:

  • My greatest highs / peaks were with Loren (wedding, children’s births, vacations, special events, our intimate times).
  • I had someone who put me first before anything else.
  • I had someone who challenged me to try new things (racing at the Drag Strip, becoming an NRA instructor, driving dump truck and log truck).
  • I had someone to communicate with. To discuss life with.  To develop ideas with.  To dream with.

My marriage was satisfying because:

  • We were seeing the rewards of commitment, the fruit of our labor and effort in our marriage.
  • We were providing stability for our grown adult children and our grandchildren.
  • We were relishing our empty nest years together. Finally, again having time to ourselves, as if newlyweds.

Some of the harsh realities I am just now starting to “mull over” are:

  • Even with Loren being gone, I’m still me. An aged version, a changed version, but still me.
  • I didn’t find my ultimate happiness just because he was my spouse.
  • My self esteem wasn’t determined by what my spouse thought of me.
  • My husband couldn’t ultimately meet my spiritual needs. He also couldn’t ultimately hinder my spiritual growth.
  • I was the one who backed off and let him take over certain responsibilities when, in reality, it would’ve been better if we would have taken turns in a greater variety of responsibilities.  Doing that, adjusting to becoming a widow might’ve been easier.
  • I can’t use this widow situation as a cop out for losing momentum in life.
  • I mustn’t give in to the lie that life will forever be incomplete without Loren.  (I’m still pondering this thought because my heart tells me something very different).
  • I can’t bury myself with him, even though I initially wanted to die with him.

“So God. I’m gaining some perspective.  I’m not sure how it all goes together so please guide me.  Amen.”

FOCUSING ON NOT FOCUSING

Faith in God, Grief, Miscellaneous

On Sunday morning Pastor Brian’s words grabbed me like a vice. Once more I needed to hear what I already knew in my head. But a person can logically know something in their head and not embrace it in their heart! Pastor Brian had said, “Don’t focus on life not being fair.  You’ll miss an opportunity.”  See, in recent weeks Pastor Brian, Pastor Shaun and Pastor Tim have all been teaching out of the book of Acts in the Bible.  Brian was talking how the apostle Paul was bound in chains for 2 years.  Paul was being treated unfairly. Yet during his hardship he used every opportunity to speak what he believed to be Truth.  He lived his life in a way that modeled the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Now that I’m 18 ½ months out, now that the shock has worn off, now that I am way past the initial episodes of denial, I must confess that deep down inside, buried within, I have felt life is unfair with my husband passing away when he did.  Better yet (sarcasm intended on these 2 words), I’ve been feeling life is unfair ALL THE WHILE declaring and even believing that God is in control of my life!

So yes, today I acknowledge there is a gap.  Even a chasm.  My statement saying “God is in control” and my feelings of “Life seems unfair” do not blend.  They do not easily connect.  You could say  incongruent.  You could say incompatible.  Non-the-less, this is where I am at in my grief journey.

In the meantime, life goes on.  In the 1st year I wanted answers.  I wanted to know “WHY?”.  I now see how I thought God owed me an answer so I could understand “why?”.  However, I believe I am closer to accepting that God doesn’t owe me anything, as far as answers go of why he allowed my husband to pass away.  I wouldn’t understand God’s ways anyways because He is God and I am human. He’s ALL – KNOWING.  My understanding is limited.

But today I am focusing that I will NOT focus on life not being fair!

“So God.  I confess there are days I hate what I’m having to live out.  Then there are days where I’m at peace with my life as a widow.  My emotions are not as tangled as they once were.  Yet, there’s still work to be done in my belief system, with my “trust issues” with You.  So God help me.  I’m also trusting in the future I’ll eagerly await that concept of embracing new opportunities.  Amen.”