Category Archives: Faith in God

MY FIVE HAPPIEST changes and my FIVE SADDEST changes

October 1, 2017Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Grief, grief at 2 years, identifying positive things, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhoodJulia Wasson

This weekend marks the 2 1/2 year anniversary of Loren’s passing. Happily and sadly I am noticing changes. Some changes bring relief. Some changes hold sadness. I have pondered how life would be far easier if a person could just snap their fingers and move forward instantaneously. That has not been my life story. But I have purposed to walk this grief journey honorably and honestly, within my human confines and with God’s strength.

My FIVE HAPPIEST CHANGES are:

I no longer cry every day. Most days I am content, even happy.

I want to be included when in a large group of people, no longer wanting to hide. I’m increasingly feeling more independent. Hesitantly exploring what it is like to be just me. And liking the status of “just me”.

I can be around couples without feeling discomfort and sadness.

I have successfully read one thick, whole book. It feels good to once again focus because I used to be an avid reader.

Should I accidently walk out the door without my wedding ring on my finger it is not a crisis. I can actually smile at my accomplishment.

MY FIVE SADDEST CHANGES are:

I am forgetting bits and pieces of him. Some of his quirky mannerisms. Parts of the wonderful way I felt when I was next to him.

I’m learning memories are NOT enough. It angers me when people assume and say, “All you need are your memories”. In my case, those people are dead wrong! Pictures help…..and let’s just say, I’m incredibly thankful I didn’t get rid of his things, including his gifts to me.

I can’t begin to do everything he did on our property. He was a strong lumberjack and thrived working hard. We made a great team out here. I’m working hard on the ranch but I can’t re-create our strengths together…by myself. A tough realization.

Those conflicts / those issues that most married couples need to work through? I’m still sorting through Loren and my marriage…the strengths and the weaknesses. His passing hasn’t automatically ceased the time, effort, and concern I (we) put into the 37 year marriage. He’s gone. But it’s hard to put a skid on love and commitment.

Each day that passes is but one more day of facing the finality that he is gone. It’s taken a lo-o-o-o-ng time for my HEART to catch up with my MIND…. and the word “painful” doesn’t even begin to describe the anguish one inwardly feels when absorbing this truth.

But I continue to learn to care for myself. So, to care for myself today I will not heap more sorrow on myself. It’s time to go spend time in McMinnville with my brother from Florida, my sister from California, and my uncle from Virginia. To worship together, eat together, and share life together on this Sunday.

God be with us all for I know each and every one of us can share our lives. Through ups and downs. Through joys and sorrows.

The TOP 4 QUESTIONS you MAY be CURIOUS to ASK THIS WIDOW

September 5, 2017Children, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Grandchildren, healthy boundaries, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhoodJulia Wasson

I’m like you. Respectful enough to NOT ask every curious question that pops in to my head. Understanding those basic rules of privacy. However, the older I have become I have learned to embrace the concept of being candid!

That is, carefully and cautiously candid.

From what I’ve been told, the following 4 questions are questions many people are curious about ~ when it comes to widows.

Did your desire for intimacy and sex end when he died?

What determines if you be sexually active?

Do you see yourself re-marrying?

What is the key advice you’d give to a new widow?

RE: Does the desire for sex and intimacy end after your loved one dies?

No! In fact, a person’s physical desires often return within mere months. I’ve also found my desire for emotional intimacy with Loren continues 24/7.

I must say, losing my spouse has “thrown me inside my engine”. Tossed me around inside my core…. forcing me to see what I am truly made of. Losing my companion and lover of 37 years has given me a harsh reality to face….. of what I am capable of. Many would say I have “an excuse… a real reason” to re-adjust my lifestyle. To “adjust my morals” because I am no longer married.

RE: What then stops you from being sexually active since becoming a widow?

My answer is threefold.

First, at month four I prayed to the Lord that He help curb the desires. God has helped me and I do my part in avoiding situations.

Secondly, statistics and professionals state women become easily bonded to sexual partners. I know how bonded I was (and still am!) to my deceased husband. I don’t know how to NOT love deeply. How NOT to bond deeply. How NOT to pour my body and soul in to a partner. Thus, I refuse to flippantly share my sexuality freely. I’m stubborn. And I believe God knows what is best for us!

Third and not the least of importance, I’m very concerned I would change….I very much care that my kids and grand kids not “lose” the mom/grandma they knew before his passing. They’ve already lost their dad/grandpa.

RE: Do you ever see yourself re-marrying?

The first year after he passed I said, “Absolutely not! My heart will forever be with Loren.”

At month 28 I say, “I’m learning to be content being single. I miss most aspects of marriage and I very much miss him! I wish he was here in body and my love for him has not stopped. I’m not looking to find someone else.

And quite frankly, I can’t imagine there is someone out there who would ever be as awesome, as annoying, as gifted, and as perfect for me as he was. Besides, who wants to have to train someone else to fit in to MY ways? (now that I’m learning how to put myself first).

RE: What is the key advice you’d give to a new widow?

Within a few days of Loren’s passing, his sister Joyce told me, “Julie, this is going to be the hardest thing you’ll ever do!” She’s right. She knew. She became a widow before I did.

So, WHAT WOULD I TELL THE NEW WIDOW? What would I say to her…in small increments…as not to overwhelm her?

“This will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done”.
“Feel the pain. Don’t run from the pain. You’ll face it sooner. And later”.
“Grieve hard. But don’t stop loving other’s deeply”.
“I love you. I’m so sorry you hurt. I’m here”.

God be with us all. In our pursuit to live wholeheartedly for God. To live honorably in our mind, body and soul.

ECLIPSING. When the Sun and Moon Meet

August 22, 2017Faith in God, Grief, loving your deceased spouse, unexpected things in lifeJulia Wasson

As I’m outside at 10:02 a.m. this morning, taking a reprieve from stacking firewood, I’m noticing how a shadow is moving in. Crickets are sounding as if it’s twilight. Temperatures are dropping. Where the sunlight should be peeking through the trees, shadows are merging. And suddenly the sun is a hot, bright flame bearing down on me. I dare not look towards the sun. All before complete darkness.

And I’m experiencing this momentous event alone. Without him. But, I’ve chosen to experience the total eclipse by myself. At our ranch. Now inside my bedroom. In silence. With contemplation.

I smile, knowing good and well that for 28 months Loren has been experiencing awesome adventures in heaven without me! Knowing he has been witnessing glorious scenes and being introduced to fathomless, unimaginable things while living in Heaven, where Jesus Himself and the angels dwell.

So, it’s OK. All is well for this moment. Who knows, maybe the saints in heaven are watching the sun and moon pass each other this morning?

That’s a happy thought! Loren & Julia Maybe we are sharing this moment together? He, from heaven. Me, from earth! All while darkness settles in around me. Temporarily.

And most of all I am wondering, am I the only one who could feel that odd gravitational pull?

Maybe Loren felt that same gravitational pull as he left his earthly body that Tuesday morning. With me. In our bedroom. At dawn. The morning he left his physical body was just the beginning of his never-ending adventures in eternity! I’m giddy with happiness for him!

What THIS WIDOW wants OTHER WIVES to UNDERSTAND

July 31, 2017Death, Faith in God, healthy boundaries, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhood, wives love your husbandsJulia Wasson

I’m now on the other side of the fence. No longer the wife of a man, part of two living as one. Years before Loren’s passing I had observed many people. Single and married adults. I now realize, even back then I was learning what to do and not to do in life.

Now, while married I wasn’t wary of every single woman who came our way. But you can bet I wasn’t foolish either!

My mom had been close friends with Naomi Pfinister and Carol Robeson, both single Christian ladies who at some point in their lives were forced to survive their losses. Because of them, I had healthy role models of solid, single women and witnessed their interactions with my father, my husband, my children, and many other’s.

Through these ladies I learned:

It is possible to adjust to a life of singleness even if it not be your first choice.

It is possible to adjust joyfully and gracefully even if the heart bear sorrow.

It is possible to be an adult single woman and have fun without being a royal flirt.

Unfortunately, in years past I had witnessed Christian ladies acting in such a way I was lead to believe they were “blurring boundaries”.

Because I hadn’t lived my adulthood as a single person I felt I had “no leg to stand on”….no sound reason to speak up. Now I do have a leg to stand on. Today I have 28 months of life experience.

Dear wives, most of you are my friends…some, casual acquaintances:

We widows feel and see that slight, ackward “thing” that happens if we are in too close of proximity, for too long, around your husband in the most innocent of situations.

We don’t resent you wives for your natural reactions. We understand and do not feel offended!

Just because I am a Christian lady does not mean you shouldn’t pay attention.

When I was married I had upright antennae’s. I applaud you, wives, for paying attention.

You are NOT a “jealous woman who doesn’t trust her husband” just because you are healthily guarding your marriage! This is normal. And correct. So full of wisdom. You are his help-meet. Regularly and fervently tending to your garden.

We widows would’ve been ferociously infuriated and heart broken if another lady had smeared marital boundary lines.

Wives, you are very wise to remain your man’s #1 cheerleader. Your man’s #1 friend. Your man’s #1 confidant. If any other woman starts becoming one of those, STEP UP! SPEAK UP! Don’t become helpless!

Wives, fight for your marriages! We widow’s know what it is like to lose a husband in death. Please don’t lose yours out of lackadaisical complacency.

I am just a widow who would give anything to have her husband back.

I am a single Christian lady finding that niche where I fit in. Trying not be socially reclusive yet very much caring that I never cross lines. All the while doing it God’s way.

MY SHOUTING CONSCIENCE and CONSIDERING that I’M PLACED HERE

May 15, 2017Death, Faith in God, Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, unexpected things in life, widowhoodJulia Wasson

At 25 months out I find my conscience shouting! Shouting at me! To the point where, all the while living with my clear conscience and the peace within, I come to a standstill and say, “God, what are you trying to tell me?” Good grief!

Rarely does God show me areas that I need to immediately correct. But many times I see a dashboard. With a flashing yellow light. Even a flashing red light. In my minds eye I see the straight and narrow road with little forks meandering off to the right or the left. I have been determined to serve God and not deny my faith even though I questioned God and His goodness for a long while.

I now consider the possibility of me being PLACED HERE.

If quote “temptations” were thrown in front of me during year #1 of widowhood I didn’t notice them because I was frozen in my grief. Consumed with the heaviness of grief looming in my heart, body, and mind. Surely locked in that wonderful cocoon of fresh memory, even a haven of entwined love between the spouse who passed and the spouse left, me.

Now entering my 3rd year of widowhood, the heavy grief has lifted and tears periodically flow but I must tell you the multitudes of choices, decisions, and yes, temptations swirl around me!

I’m not interested in looking for a companion on the internet, not looking for a person to date…yet I most certainly feel the void of not having my husband and our tangible, incredible connection.

At times I feel stranded…yet..maybe..SOMEHOW PLACED HERE…by life, by circumstances, by death…and I’m now starting to believe BY GOD.

You may ask, Julia,…what are the TEMPTATIONS you face, as of today?

(Only for the sake of companionship and because he’s a connection with my husband) the temptation to meet that man for coffee as he suggested (even though I know there is no good that could come from it…I would never date/marry one who does not serve Christ).
(Only to stay in touch with my husband and our days at the racetrack) the temptation to meet that other man for a quick dinner as he suggested (even though I know there is no good that could come from it…I would never date/marry one who does not serve Christ).

So, I listen to my conscience. I deny my desire to reconnect. With those men who are pieces of his past…

You may ask, what are your CHOICES that other’s do not already deal with?

Something as simple as, what am I going to do this Saturday? For 37 years my husband and I determined to spend time together. Our past few years, Saturdays were precious.
What church best fits me? We chose a church that suited us as a couple. I now choose by myself.
What vehicles do I drive? And keep? He had his. Plural. I have mine.
How long do I keep a vehicle when I’m having to put money in to it in repairs? I’ve lost the majority of our joint income. Things are different now.

Regarding that dashboard with the periodic flashing light? God knows my future….He knows what’s coming down the pike. I think I’ll keep watching the dashboard.

Psalms 32:10-11. “Many are the woes of the wicked..but the Lord’s unfailing love surrounds the one who trusts in Him.”

THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE IF I HAD THE CHANCE

April 24, 2017Faith in God, Family, Grief, identifying positive things, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

First up, I DID re-do lots of things in my 37 year marriage with Loren. He also re-did lots of things in our 37 year marriage. Being willing to say, “I’m sorry” and “redo-ing things” kept us together. Being willing to say “I’m sorry” and “re-doing” demonstrated the gospel of Jesus Christ….that is, practicing forgiveness and mercy, hoping and trusting that things can get better, along with believing that God can change hearts. Even my heart.

Even though our time together here blazed out in glory, at 24 months I find myself reflecting. Healthily reflecting. With the grass growing fast and my riding lawnmower once again needing to become my best friend, I imagine I’ll have more time to process my life in the months to come. For me to grow. For me to set more things in order…. in my mind.

For this seems to be my grief process.

THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE with Loren if I was once again 20 – 30 years old:

I’d purpose the “we are a team” spirit immediately ~ (it’s easy to be in love and not work as a team).
I’d choose to lay “my rights” down faster and easier ~ (two strong willed people who love each other can still be competitive).
At the same time, I’d learn to speak up more quickly and clearly ~ (even though I was strong willed I had difficulty standing up for myself and expressing how I felt).

THINGS I’d RE-DO IN MY MARRIAGE with Loren if I was once again 30 – 40 years old:

Even though caring for the 4 children was important, I’d put him first and make him feel like a king every day.
I’d gaze into his eyes more often and hold the gaze far longer.
I’d never pass an opportunity for physical touch even if I’m exhausted.
I’d laugh hysterically with him and the kids.

Thankfully, by the age of 50 Loren and I became wise! We realized the empty-nest years were approaching. We knew couples who had divorced after their children left the home. We realized you can be lovers and partners but not true friends…someone you might want to hang out with.

We didn’t want to become one more statistic of divorce.

A result of our “UNINTENTIONAL DISTANCE”.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The good news is our INTENTIONAL hard work paid off!

We became intentional close friends. Buddies. Best friends.
We became ardent, frequent, caught- up- in- the- moment, intentional lovers.
We reversed the unintentional emotional distance.
And I did make him feel like a king in our home. I know so. He told me so. Often.
And I found an incredible satisfaction pleasing the man I loved.

THAT MAGIC 2 YEAR MARK and LOVING LIKE YOU’RE GONNA LOSE THEM

March 25, 2017Children, Death, Faith in God, Family, Grief, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

It’s March. I think my body and emotions will forever remember this time of the year. As time presses closer the world seems to close in. I have to fight tunnel vision. Every task seems strenuous. I’m physically exhausted again. Feeling like I’m back to point A in the grief, but I know I’m not. Things are better.

If I sound abstract it’s only because I feel abstract. As an abstract painting. Happy and sad colors splashed in random places.

I had purposed to retain every memory of he & I, every scent, every emotion…I honestly thought I might remember every minuet detail because in our empty nest years we had found heightened pleasure by living in the moment, living in “our moments”. But I find myself forgetting the depth of the emotions. This brings deep angst.

I now think I knew I was going to lose him….because snippets of memories periodically pass through my mind. How I sensed we weren’t going to live to a ripe old age together. How I tried to ignore my thoughts, thinking they were mere fears. How I felt driven, compelled, even spurred on to love him with unbridled passion and fervence. All as if there were no tomorrow. All as if wanting to partake of every good thing with and in each other.

In hindsight I know, for certain, that he had a sense that our time would come to an end earlier than we wanted….by the things he said, even the day before he unexpectedly passed. Things he had said to our children at a Thanksgiving dinner. Things he had said to the Gingerich family on his 60th birthday.

Thankfully I had taken the time to gaze at him, to savor those precious moments and let time stand still with him. We had learned to vacation within our home. We had learned to let the world slip by. No words of love were held back.

But I go forward. Yes, with God. Not lost ~ but certainly by myself. (But I still wonder if our loved ones in heaven aren’t praying and caring for us….I swear I feel this).

FEELING GOD for the 1st TIME

February 24, 2017Faith in God, Grief, identifying positive things, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

For the past 22 months I have not felt God. For the past 22 months I have not felt His presence. I’m sure He’s been there all the while but grief had numbed me. I have worshipped out of sheer choice. Sheer determination.

That is until 3 Sundays ago. When I felt God for the 1st time^! When the windows of Heaven slid open. Again!

Since his passing I’d been faithful in going to church even though it would’ve been easier to have stayed at home, to hibernate….to not place myself in one more uncomfortable social setting where I’d be forced to face my loss. I’d been faithful in believing God to be faithful towards me. I have stayed on the straight and narrow out of sheer will power along with my memory of God’s goodness towards me in past times.

When Loren died a part of me died….a vast desert awaited for me.

Until…THaT Sunday! The Sunday that I had a vivid awareness that my soul was awakening. The Sunday when I had a vivid awareness that life was returning to me, in me.

I still grieve for my loss but I now feel God near me, as I had prior to his passing. I covet God’s presence. Sensing God’s presence is precious. Simply priceless because…..

It gives me renewed hope that God watches out for the widow
It gives me increased courage knowing that He is with me
It gives me a type of tangible proof that He will go with me and before me in life
It gives me a sign, even a landmark, when I felt that God remembered me on that specific day
It gives me encouragement that God will still use me for His glory in this phase of my life

Because I now know what it feels like to not recognize God’s presence, should I have a friend who loses a loved one~ I know how I will pray…. I will pray they will once again feel God. That is, to once again feel God’s presence.

For God’s presence is gold. Priceless gold.

“So, God, my earnest prayer today is to never let me be foolish to live in such a way where You could not dwell in me, inhabit me. For that would surely be death and more sorrow, again. I’ve tasted the death and sorrow. I’m tasting tidbits of renewed life. I need life. I choose life. With and in You.”

MY 10 POSITIVES OF BEING SINGLE

January 27, 2017Faith in God, Family, Grief, identifying positive things, Marriage, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

This image was captured the day after Loren's Celebration of Life. — This image was captured the day after Loren’s Celebration of Life.

Since his death, I’ve found myself becoming more like Loren. Is it my way of compensating for the loss? Is it because it’s my way of keeping his memory alive? Is it new additional strength arising in me?

Loren was the ultimate dreamer. An optimist. At times he had called me the pessimist. I would immediately shoot back verbally, telling him I was the realist between the two, to help him keep his feet on the ground, to be his balancing counterpoint.

At 21 ¾ months out I’ve found myself listening to the talk radio shows he’d listen to when driving truck. I’ve found myself reading more news articles to keep myself updated with current events ~ he was the one who kept me abreast with world- wide news. I’ve found myself reading more articles on the Dow Jones and financial forecasts.

I’ve found myself rising up to the challenge, new challenges……stepping up to the plate, new plates…..and taking the bull by the horns when I absolutely must. But, I still don’t like bulls and I don’t like horns.

Even though I feel the negatives of being single very much outweigh the positives, I am learning there are positives to being a single lady.

Thus, MY LIST of 10 POSITIVES OF BEING SINGLE:

I don’t have to cook and bake, unless I want to.

I don’t need to shave my legs as often. Who cares if I have prickly legs?

I have complete control of the TV remote in our bedroom suite.

I can be a bed hog.

If I wanted to, I could wear footie PJ’s to bed.

I don’t have to share counter space in the Master bath.

I have the entire closet space available to myself.

I have complete control in the office…arranging the files how I prefer, arranging the desk top to what works best for me.

When it comes to using debit cards, ATM’s, and credit cards, it’s far easier to stay abreast of exact dollar amounts in such accounts.

…………………………… well, I was wrong, I can’t think of 10 positives of being single.

BUT I AM HAPPY I CAN IDENTIFY 9 POSITIVES OF BEING SINGLE! Being able to identify 9 positives is monumental!

“So, dear Lord. Thank you for helping me forge ahead. Happy times. Sad times. Bright times. Dark times. In all and through all of them, I know You are with me.”

TOP 10 THINGS I’M DISCOVERING AT 21 MONTHS

January 18, 2017Children, Death, Faith in God, Family, Grief, Loss, MiscellaneousJulia Wasson

cropped-Julia-56-years-old.-February-2014.jpg

Since his passing I’ve learned positive things. Things that can contribute to my overall growth as an adult woman. I am learning to be content without him. I’ve also discovered sorrowful things, but I am focused on pushing through this grief…to not just circle around the grief and avoid the deep pooled places. Because I believe. Eventually. In time. I will come out on the other side.

TOP 5 POSITIVE THINGS I AM LEARNING:

Love is eternal. As the famous song from the movie Titanic says, “In my heart you’ll always go on.” It does. He does. In my heart.

I’m stronger than I knew. Loren periodically told me, “Julia, you know more than you think you do.” In the areas where he was strong I had let him lead. He was right. I know more than I thought. I am strong.

Our 4 children are a direct reflection of he & I. Even though they are strong individuals of their own worth, I look in to each of their eyes and see him. Pictures of him. Moments of him in increments of time.

My circumstances do not hold the power to alter the character of who God is.

People haven’t changed. It’s me who has changed. The Julia “B.D.” (before his death”) vs the Julia “A.D.” (after his death). I’m still learning what all of this means….

TOP 5 MOST DIFFICULT THINGS I AM LEARNING:

After 21 months out I am suddenly “on my own” in the grief journey. The truth be told, by this time many only miss him because they recognize the void in my life.

Not even my girlfriends, who are widows or grieving over their loved ones, can completely understand my loss. We desperately want to understand each other ~ we try. We reach out in support. At times afraid to be candid about our low, dark times.

Sometimes humans cannot bear each others pain. My kids, my family & friends cannot cure that deep impenetrable hole, that tunnel, where I at times feel lost…even suffocated.

Sometimes I feel EVEN GOD cannot cure that deep impenetrable hole.

New, additional losses keep appearing. For example, his scent on his robe is still strong. But the fresh memories associated with that robe are fading. I’m afraid I’ll lose those special memories. That scares me.

Even in all of this, I know I am moving forward healthily. I’ve not avoided my grief. I’ve not denied my Faith and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ. I’ve not deterred the grief in drunkenness, men, overeating, or overspending. I know myself ~ that I am a truth seeker ~ that I must face my reality head on.

And I know the day will come when this grief – reality – mission can be laid to rest.

“So, God I thank You. In the eye of the storm You still see me. “