Category Archives: Doing New Things

WIDOWS and Their ADULT CHILDREN. Chapter 2.

Children, Christian Widows, Daughter MIssing Father at Wedding, Daughters Losing their Fathers, Death, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, friendships, Grandchildren, Grief, Holidays and Grief, Honoring Your Deceased Spouse, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, Widows and their Adult Children

My husband was in his mid-50’s when his 2nd parent graduated to Heaven.  She was 92, Loren’s father passed years earlier at the age of 83.  I’ll never forget the looming silence that lingered around Loren that entire first month as he faced the now-loss of both parents. He hadn’t been as shaken when his father passed….not so when his last parent passed.

“I somehow feel as if I am an orphan”, he had solemnly stated. I then wondered if his 4 siblings felt that way too?

Even though I often feel a great portion of my growth-thru-grief has been a sole effort on my part, I equally acknowledge the monumental role that my children have played towards my continuous learning to spread my wings…to gain some height in the struggling soar.

Today I feel a variety of emotions as I contemplate the approach of the 6th Year Anniversary of Loren’s passing:

  • Pride……how I’ve became as independent as I am
  • Melancholy…..that for my own well-being I needed to proceed forward without him
  • Thankful…..that I’ve managed to remain at the place Loren and I pioneered
  • Extremely grateful…..that the relationships with each of my children have deepened
  • Pursuant…..in deeper understanding of God’s loving care for the widow and the fatherless
  • Relieved……about having faithful friends and family who have stood by my side

It’s my observation and opinion that my adult children have had to equally purpose to spread their wings… to gain height in their struggling soars. Not only were they gaining momentum in their individual  lives, THEY additionally HAD TO and STILL HAVE TO KEEP ON:

  • Balancing their personal lives…now along with a single mom who emotionally and physically needs them more than before
  • Choosing to not worry about their mom
  • Developing additional skills of communication with their siblings (when they need another one to step up to share the load)
  • Facing their own fresh grief(s) of getting married without a father to be a part of their wedding
  • Facing their own fresh grief(s) of having their father not be a part of their pregnancy, childbirth, welcoming their baby into their family
  • Comforting their children who miss their grandpa, who are having to learn to experience on-going Holidays and life without him
  • Explaining death and Heaven to young children who never met their grandpa
  • With their life partner, experiencing the challenge of learning to be understood…all because they have lived through something life-shattering….
  • Having the acute awareness that their whole world can change at the drop of a hat
  • Seeing not everyone is “blessed” to be able to say their lengthy goodbyes and experience gradual-grieving before a parent passes
  • Enjoying happy times with the whole family….experiencing laughter after the deep sorrow

…….to be continued……..

HOW BEING A WIDOW (pOsSiblY) PREPARED ME FOR THE PANDEMIC

Buttons, Covid Pandemic and Widows, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief at 5 Years, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows and aloneness
My youngest grandson….I want to become more like him

Awhile back my third child walked into my house….sat down…and in a casual manner said, “Mom, I mean this as a compliment….but, if there’s anyone who could ever be OK living alone….. it’d be you.”  WOW!  That stopped me in my tracks…but then again, NOT!  Being married to a trucker for 37 years had, to some degree, already prepared me.

And then COVID happened.  All staff were ordered to stop reporting to the physical location on March 13th.  It required creativity and persistence to continue working since I live in a rural area with minimal internet service, which I needed to perform my job.

And now…. 8 months later, I’ve come across a long article, HOW TO BE ALONE, by Sigal Samuel.  Samuel discusses both benefits and dangers of being alone, giving examples of those who’ve survived solitary confinement vs those choosing to live as hermits….how some didn’t merely survive but actually grew as individuals.…Sigal also addressing the other people who can barely survive being alone  because of past unresolved issues that immediately surface in some adverse settings.

I’ve watched co-workers and family deeply struggle with the social and economic adjustments that COVID has forced upon our state. To a moderate degree I can relate to the social-emotional frustrations although I must be honest and say:  “Thankfully, I cannot understand…. completely”. 

Since March, I have periodically pondered if something is wrong with me…..even considering that being a widow for five years MAY have prepared me for this…… or maybe just being who I already WAS had helped me adjust quicker to living with “COVID isolation”……

Nonetheless, I believe the following has held true for me. THROUGH MY BEING A WIDOW:

~ I had already learned I needed to maintain a consistent daily routine to counteract depression

~ I had already become used to spending large amounts of time alone

~ I had already become accustomed to not having daily hugs, much personal verbal affirmation and close physical contact with people, unless with my best friends and immediate family

~ I had already learned to watch more TV shows and listen to music for pleasure and companionship

~ I had already realized attending church (in the building) wasn’t the end-all answer for me

~ I had already discovered how a small group of people fulfilled my need for weekly comradeship and Bible Study

~ I had already learned to rely on phone calls, texting, and social networking

~ To manage my stress level, the local morning news was limited to one hour

~ I had already learned a person can teach themselves how to not only survive but to eventually grow in and through daunting times.

~ I had already taken to heart my Primary Physician’s immediate advice after Loren passed, “Julia, be careful that you don’t become a hermit…you could (too easily) do that….”

Other than feeling like I am a muzzled horse walking around in a Sci-Fi movie, I’m thankful I live in a rural community where I’m not forced to daily see hundreds of masked people who look like old-western-movie-robbers casing a place.

Other than my hands becoming chapped and cracked from washing my hands 20x a day at my on-site job (literally), I’m grateful I don’t have to be concerned about multiple family members carrying random germs into my house.

Other than feeling incredibly sympathetic for the parents who suddenly are having to school their children at home, the parents who have either lost their jobs or the parent who has been forced to quit their job so they can school their child at home…… I am flat grateful that I raised my four adult children years ago.  Granted, I’d be capable of Home-schooling but our stress levels would be off the charts. 

If being a widow actually helped prepare me for life-as-it-is-now I guess I can be thankful.

The Widow and ONE CHANGE AT A TIME

Children, Death, Doing New Things, Getting rid of loved ones things, Grief, Grief at 5 Years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Parting with deceased spouse things, Widowhood at 5 years out
I’m not sure when I’ll be able to say goodbye to this hair style and color. It was specifically suited for Loren.

In my brother Dennis Gingerich’s latest blog https://www.dennisgingerich.com/one-sure-thing-you-can-count-on/?fbclid=IwAR1pazGIGnzslyWLwkdZo0GJIpOGzJ0jZCFxBltpEzPOBHYLDCvTPkhRJZk he discusses the topic of CHANGE.  It’s fascinating that I had already been reminiscing of the slow gradual changes I’ve made since Loren passed.

Frankly, in the first 2 years I wanted to freeze time.  It was comforting that Loren’s scent remained on his robe and a few not-yet-washed shirts. I hadn’t yet parted with his clothes or shoes.  Other than reorganizing the closet and his drawers in the bathroom, everything remained precisely the same.

After spending two winters heating the entire house’s water-in-the-floor-radiant heat with an outdoor Wood-fired Furnace (using approximately 6 cords of wood per winter), I knew I’d need to make a change.  The labor was too intensive and walking 30 feet from the house before midnight, no longer having a mate to share the duties, was too much.  By this time I had also decided I would stay at the ranch.  For the sake of taking care of myself physically, I switched to a Propane Heat source using the same radiant heat system. 

Before the 3rd Christmas without Loren I had removed all of his WinCo, casual, dress, and work shirts from the closet.  I pursued a project that would be meaningful.  I had 5 queen size quilts and 6 smaller quilts made for each of my 4 children, myself and the 6 grandchildren.  Out of Loren’s wool sweaters I also had beautiful pillows made, even using his logging suspenders on the pillows.  Many tears were shed while opening their gifts. I imagine those quilts will be the most tender Christmas gifts my family will ever have received from me, in my lifetime.

At the 4 year mark I knew I had to take care of my investment, meaning it was time to re-stain and re-paint the buildings at the ranch.  Instead of Loren lifting me 10-20 feet up in the air while he carefully sat on the large forklift holding me in place (while I stood on a pallet and painted/stained the highest parts of the buildings), I knew my limitations and hired a skilled man to hand stain the 3 buildings.  Just because I was a widow did not excuse me from being a good steward of what God had allowed Loren and I to build.

At this 5 year mark, I have already sold my building in town. I have another hurdle to jump in July.  I took the initiative of asking my kids and grandkids to come out to the ranch on a Saturday.  We will be tackling the job of cleaning out the barn (incidentally, where I fractured both of my elbows in May….I was meandering through the narrow pathways to get to the air compressor).

I must admit there is a level of trepidation in me.  I have watched enough HOARDER TV shows… observing how people who have lost someone dear are the ones who re-visit their deep pain as they watch things leaving a building.

The comfort I cling to, after deciding what will stay, my kids will have first chance to take what they want…..and what they don’t want will either be passed on to specific best friends of Loren’s or be hauled off to recycling that day….now, the next thing to part with will be Loren’s tired commuter car that I’ve been driving….but, I’M. NOT. QUITE. READY. YET.

PRESSING the RELEASE BUTTON and OUR Plans

Buttons, Death, decision making, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Fears and the Widow, Fighting to grow, God's Will, Grief, Grief at 5 Years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows Managing Finances

I pressed a release button.  It had not been an easy decision to be making by myself. 

I listed a piece of Residential/Commercial property that Loren and I had purchased on Main Street in  beautiful “Timbertown USA” 26 years ago. In the Commercial Storefront, we owned and operated every-guys-dream-business the first 9 years.  After he tired of the walk-in-retail-component, I then moved Julia Wasson Music Studios into that space for 17 years (where I continued teaching voice/piano lessons ~ having just now completed 32 years of private lessons).  Loren and I had also lived in the home the first 7 years while we built our dream at the ranch.  

“If life had remained as Loren and I had dreamed and expected” this property would have been placed on the market the summer of 2015.  Because Loren was going to retire in one year, he wanted me to close the music studio and have more time to play at the end of my workday.  In addition, OUR PLANS were to use a portion of the proceeds of the sale towards building another building at the ranch and  restoring a hot rod that Loren was bent on racing at the drag strip.   

To go back further yet in time, BEFORE WE DECIDED WE WERE GOING TO PURSUE SELLING THE PLACE on Main Street in 2015, we were going to chase our newest diversions by taking out a loan since we had much equity at the ranch.  Approximately 6 months before he unexpectedly passed, we had gone to our locally-owned Bank and filled out an application.  The Loan Officer saw no reason why this wouldn’t be an easy transaction, with our good credit and long-time standing with this Bank. We waited and waited. Lo and behold, 10 days later the Loan Officer/Head Manager of the Bank called… explaining she was shocked how the requested loan was not approved, yet alone with a satisfactory reasonable answer as to why! 

As Loren and I quietly drove to a restaurant later that evening, discussing what our next step might be, I specifically recall saying, “THIS MAKES NO SENSE.…but….God must know something that WE don’t know…. Something must be going to happen that we are unaware of….” 

….Those words that I had then spoken have replayed in my mind multiple and multiples of times since his passing…. 

To get back to the story, SHOULD WE HAVE been approved of that loan, SHOULD WE HAVE built that other building, SHOULD WE HAVE restored that hotrod….. I would NOT have been able to stay at the ranch on my income! 

I am convinced: God sometimes steps in to spare us….sometimes from ourselves….to protect us….to help arrange our ducks for our unknown-to-us-future.   

P.S.  Since my awesome renters, of the home, are moving to another area in Oregon and I no longer want to deal with the pressures of new renters and the ongoing upkeep of another building, I am selling the place. As far as the private teaching goes, I’ll keep giving a few piano/voice lessons.  Just at a different location.

HALF A DECADE of being a WIDOW

Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, How To Help Widows, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New and Seasoned, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Marriage
This picture was taken mere months before he unexpectedly passed
This photo was taken mere months before he unexpectedly passed

This week is a monumental week.  I have been a widow for half a decade now. In the past five years, at varying times, THE FOLLOWING FIVE statements have been spoken to me; not glib words spoken without intent, but presented with interpreted care and strong belief.  These same statements have never left my mind.  I’m now ready to give a “more-seasoned-response” since I’m past the heightened reactions that traveled alongside my raw grief.

“God will ALWAYS bring good out of tragedy”.   

  • “It’s always possible God could ‘bring good’ out of this tragedy but I will never  demand it in my heart because there are millions who have survived far worse situations than mine….and then there’s the fact that  ultimately I feel it’s impossible since ‘my idea of good’ would be for me to be transported back to where Loren and I were ~ that life that we had worked so hard to attain”.
  • “I’m just grateful I have grown to find peace in my adjusted life”.
  • “I continue to make great efforts (Grief Counseling, trusting in the Lord, carefully choosing the people whom have influence in my life) and have found more courage than I would’ve ever thought I could have.”
  • “So, yes, some could argue that ‘good came out of his passing’.”

“Divorce is worse than Death…at least you know where he is!”

  • “I have felt the pain of divorce but only once as a parent and three times as a sibling/in-law.  Even though I wasn’t the one who was physically and emotionally betrayed, our entire family grieved and felt the turmoil from the separations.”
  • “Pain is pain.  Loss is loss.  Each relationship had its own degree of intimacy so I will never belittle the devastation that comes with divorce.”
  • “Whether it be divorce or death you can know that major changes will come a person’s way.”
  • “The only (dare I say it ? ) ‘benefit of a spouse’s death’ vs divorce is that you don’t have to face your Ex in painful social situations, deal with children custody issues, or divide the assets.”

“A person needs a companion. God didn’t intend for people to live alone.”   

  • “It would have never been my desire to be single at 56 years of age.”
  • “I am not afraid to live alone”.
  • “I have a job that I enjoy, I work with people that bring meaning to my life, and I have a network of family and friends who give me love and support.”
  • “Two IS better than one.  However…for ‘two to be better’ a person must team up with the right person.  Many widows/widowers rush to remarry, in desperation from loneliness or fear, and later have regret because they  had not spent the necessary alone time to grieve-it-through-to-completion …and if you don’t ‘work through’ the long, harrowing grieving process you’ll never have a clear mind to analyze a new person, their character, and habits.”
  • “My idea of marriage is not to just have a warm body to lay next to at night.”
  •  “It’s crazy to assume that another marriage would be equally happy or unhappy.”
  • “I’d rather be a widow who lives alone than married and lonely.”

“Don’t wait forever….statistics say if a widow / widower do not remarry within the first three years, the odds greatly increase that you will remain single the rest of your life.”

  • “My first three years of grief were astoundingly difficult… but all of the-great-pain-in-my-world did not drive me in to another man’s arms when I was simply longing to be in Loren’s arms.  Ethically and morally that would’ve been wrong at every level.”
  • “I will never settle.  If that means being alone, so be it.”

“There will never be another Loren and the love you two shared, but you can find another man to love, Julia….the love may feel different but life can be better than it is now.”

  • “As I said earlier, my idea of a complete fulfilling marriage is more than just having a warm body to lay next to at night.”
  • “I’m not sure I want to expend the energy that it took for Loren and I to reach the glorious melding of the heart, spirit, mind and emotions…you know, that point where the ‘two actually DO become one’.  I’m logical enough to know that this doesn’t happen overnight and at times never happens.”

(to be continued at a later date…………..)

2020 DREAMS and REALITY TRUMPS

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, identifying positive things, Peace should be enough
This image was captured the day after Loren’s Celebration of Life.

In November 2019 I listened to Andy Stanley, an articulate Inspirational Speaker and Pastor. Experientially and logically, I already “understood” what he was sharing but just hadn’t heard someone articulate the words…those already-rumbling-tumbling-inside-of-me-words.  His words resonated in me, deeply.

His exact quotes and question were:  “Some of our dreams simply can’t come true.”  “Life rarely goes as planned.”  “Reality always trumps.”  “What do we do when our dreams CAN’T come true because of people’s choices or circumstances?”  Naturally, at the end of his exhortation, Mr. Stanley then directed us towards trusting in God, our Maker, the One who gives us a Hope for our future.

Way before Loren passed away, turning towards God had been the pattern in my life.  Throughout the years there had been multitudes of disappointments, even a few heartbreaks….sprinkled with many happy moments….many love-filled times…and times that were neither happy or sad….all days of living out life…serving God….raising a family. 

The truth is, eventually we are ALL going to have a job or relationship loss, a heart break, AND a death of a key person in our life. I can guarantee that when it happens, you will not be on your top game for a while (sometimes a long while).…you will be gasping for air periodically….your footing and equilibrium may be lost….you may even wonder who YOU are, no longer recognizing the person you once were….

….and when you can’t “kick and pray yourself out of the upheaval” or “seem to adequately move through a specific situation” you will need to do a higher level of soul and God searching than ever before.

DURING “My-dream-can’t-come-true-because-Loren-passed-away” SORROW,  I have done the following:

  • Carefully look at the situation in its entirety and ask myself if there is more that I need to understand so I can grow and adjust.
  • Along with praying and asking for God’s guidance, formulate an inner plan of what I can do to help myself gain footing.
  • Hold fast to what I believe to be healthy and correct and not listen to random advice from people I don’t trust enough to guide me.

MY most RECENT “Life-Rarely-Goes-As-Planned” ACCEPTANCE has caused me to:

  • Persevere and accept my new normal, even when the sad times crop up periodically.
  • Diligently identify the current positive experiences.
  • Daily voice gratefulness to God.
  • Practice believing that God is in control of my private Universe and not just the World.

On January 1, 2020 my heart is full of gratitude because I have swam through the deep waters.  I have passed through the narrowest dark avenues of the Valley of the Shadow of Death.  I believe I will continue to find more peace, more calm and more restoration after the harsh struggle of deep grief. Thank you, dear friends and family, for standing with me on this journey.

LiViNg Out THE big QUESTION and IT’s FOLLOW THROUGH while FLYING By tHe SeAt of mY pAnTs

decision making, Doing New Things, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, grief at 4 years, How To Help Widows, New Mindsets, unexpected things in life, Widows Managing Finances

In 2016 the Elementary Christmas Concert was cancelled 2x, back to back.   Snow and ice had covered the Willamette Valley. The Elementary School Christmas Concert was finally held AFTER the 2 week Christmas Break!  I was going with the flow….piece of cake to direct-perform with 500 kids who hadn’t rehearsed in 2 weeks. Ha.  Hey, I had survived death.  I knew I could ride it out and I did, because the surprises revolved around music.   But, now the 2019 Holidays are approaching and once more I am starting to recall how those “once-little-things-to-me” now seem to bring higher stress.

Before Loren passed away  I was already making strong progress towards becoming less rigid.  Learning to wing it.  Go with the flow.  Fly by the seat of my pants.  He loved how I had learned to live life well at a moments notice.

Where I’ve now evolved into a “more-eased-person” I’ve EQUALLY discovered DIFFERENT things now bring stressors.   Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised…I’ve been forced to execute life in a new role, so maybe my body and emotions will scream at me in new areas?

  • As of last Thanksgiving, after the meal, I officially resigned from preparing the turkey or ham for future family Holiday meals. Leave me the mashed potatoes, gravy, dressing, sweet potatoes AND a side vegetable but no more main dish!!
  • As of the 2018 Christmas season, I officially resigned from baking the majority of the favorite goodies for our gatherings.  I needed to “share the wealth” and I must say my kids are stepping up to the challenge.
  • (I’m still looking for more ways I can share those duties that moms are expected to do…)

Many times,  I’ve had to ask myself,  “IS  THIS  A  LIFE  OR  A  DEATH  SITUATION?”  (in comparison to my 20 minute attempt to revive him when he died).

IF IT DOESN’T FIT IN THAT   “Is it a life or a death situation”   CATEGORY,  I then:

(1)  determine to give full necessary attention to it (being a good steward of my investment)

(2)  have a few long hard laughs about the irony of the situation (all of the CRAAAZY things happening  AFTER  Loren passed)

(3)  sarcastically saying, “ It’s  ONLY  $ ” (when in reality it’s killing me to pay for it)

(4)  all the while doing my best to de-stress myself and maintain some gratitude for God’s provision and care for me

Frankly, IF I believed in bad luck I’d be saying,  “I’ve had LOTS of  ‘bad luck’  since Loren died”.    But the reality is, things need replacing or repair from normal wear-n-tear & age.

In both September and October 2019, I’ve had to rehearse “The QUESTION and IT’s FOLLOW -THROUGH”:

  • I was without water for 5 days…my underground one mile water line broke (SOMEWHERE between the Community Water hookup/meter along the highway… back to my home… the distance of one mile…up hill…down hill…through the forest…through a field)… Two Businesses / Professionals doing some of the diagnostics and labor…sons doing some of the back breaking labor….with me overseeing all of it plus experiencing some back breaking labor. Job completed.
  • Drip.  Drip.  Drip….then gush,  down my one interior log wall.  Discovering I had deteriorating, torn composite shingles, in one specific valley,  on the 16 year old roof.  Repair possible and completed.
  • The 40 year old Gas Furnace in the rental gave up the ghost. No repair possible because parts were obsolete.  Job completed.
  • The Electric Heat Wall Unit in the studio gave up the ghost. No repair possible.  Job completed.

I’ve actually pondered the validity of moving to a NEW house/property EVERY 10 years….that is, before pesky repairs start to be necessary…  yet that is not a viable option for me, financially or emotionally.  I’ll just keep rehearsing “THE QUESTION and IT’S FOLLOW-THROUGH” and continue practicing the art of flying by the seat of my pants… all while hopefully having a good dose of wisdom.

 

 

BECoMiNG FREE from GRiefS CHRONIC FEAR

Christian Widows, decision making, Doing New Things, Fears and the Widow, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, grief at 2 years, grief at 3 years, grief at 4 years, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets

 

About a week ago I suddenly realized I no longer live under the chronic fear that has accompanied my experience with grief.  In a far earlier Juliawasson.com blog I had touched on this topic, then quoting C.S. Lewis, “GRIEF FEELS LIKE FEAR”.  His experiential statement had initially surprised me yet I could identify with his declaration….it was evident that fear certainly was sandwiched between the multi-layers of upheaval in my life.

As I reflect, I can now categorize key fears and their movement in yearly increments:

1st YEAR: 

Fear of living without my love, my spouse of 37 years

Fear of making big sole decisions (business and personal)

Fear to trust myself (not having my partner, someone to talk things out with)

Fear of the dramatic exhaustion, extreme brain fog and overall malady

2nd YEAR:

Fear that I may be forced to change my life

                Fear because of acute recognition of losing 70% of income

               Fear because sorrow had bombarded me in heightened force (the shock had worn off,  also finding that the 2nd’s were equally as hard as the 1st’s)

Fear,  while wondering if my body could hold up to the physical rigors brought on by mourning

                Still, not trusting myself in sole decision making but slowly feeling better

3rd YEAR:

Choosing to continue living at the same place, clearly understanding the cost of doing so

Still experiencing great emotional loss from losing my best friend but starting to trust myself

Having enough widow-under-my-belt-experience to know “I can do this”

Fewer fears

4th YEAR: 

Starting to enjoy the challenges of sole business decision-making

               NEW  fear of wondering if available finances can carry me another 20 plus years

                A sense of freedom and tranquility more-often-than-not

Energy level returning

                A heightened emotional and physical awareness when any “first level apprehension” surfaces (me never wanting to return to the paralysis that intense grief brought)

               Purposing to re-train my emotional and physical responses BEFORE  fear sets in

 

I believe I will always grieve the loss of losing Loren but I’ve decided I can no longer live with THE FEAR that CAME with the GRIEF.  

Please go to the attached link and listen to my anthem,  a song by Lauren Daigle,  “PEACE  BE  STILL”.

 https://youtu.be/dUpKZz0Nm7c

 

WIDOWS and THeiR ADulT CHildren. Chapter 1.

Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Grief, grief at 4 years, healthy boundaries, Loss, Miscellaneous, resolutions for the widow, Widows and aloneness, Widows and their Adult Children

I wasn’t raised to think this way.  As a married lady with a husband and children I certainly didn’t have this mindset.  As a single person with adult children and grandchildren I am having to learn to embrace this way….

About 6 months after Loren passed,  it was on a  fall evening that I had a most important conversation with myself. 

Up to this point I had been with one of our four children weekly,  daily at times.  They were my life-line.  My body and senses were in full-crisis mode because of the separation from Loren.

I had been out mowing the last mow before the heavy rains were to come.  It was then I had an acute thought, “My kids love me so much that I COULD be needy and helpless, which would require them to be near me”.

 Immediately after that thought passed, I EQUALLY pondered, “I COULD release my kids from FEELING like they need to care for me“.  I then thought of these facts:

  • “I am 57”.
  • “I most likely will have many more years of being single”.
  • “I want my kids to WANT to be with me”.
  • “I NEVER want them to resent me”.
  • “I know there will come a day, as I age, where I will need them more than I do now. I need to have a non-demanding relationship with them NOW since things will change, some day”.

It was then that I  intentionally started releasing my kids from FEELING like they MUST be responsible for my well-being.

Soooo, the random-periodic-times I start feeling “needy”….wanting to find one of my children to attach myself to… I immediately remember that initial ” Pivotal Power Conversation” I had had with my self.

“I still choose to never demand, command, insist that my children try to fill the void that Loren left” .

“I choose to live to the fullest even when that means living a solitary life”.

HOW to HeLp a NEW WIDOW and a SEasOnED WIDOW

Children, Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, Loss, Marriage, Miscellaneous, New and Seasoned, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships

 

This picture capsulates my first  2 years….not de-railing, but in a now-cold-unfriendly world, in my grief – cocoon, with just enough light to see the immediate day… all while in unchartered wild territory.

I WAS (blissfully) IGNORANT OF THESE  “How to Help a Widow” suggestions BECAUSE OF LACK OF EXPERIENCE. Through the love of the following eleven people I can write this blog:

This blog is dedicated to:  my dad (now passed away), my mom, my sisters Jean and Janelle, Loren’s sister Joyce, mentor and friend Mary,  family friends Marvin and Carole, friend Lorri (now passed away, just 3 months ago), co-widow Eileen, and co-widow Cindy.  These  eleven individuals regularly reached out to me.  These individuals have maintained their individual rhythms throughout the seasons up until now, 4 years and 4 months later.  (My children are not included in this list….only because they have equally borne their own  grief).

 

HOW   TO   HELP   A   NEW    WIDOW:

 

  1. TELL HER you are sorry for her loss. Tell her you are praying for her.
  2. SEND cards. WRITE posts on Facebook that she will see.  Email her.  Text her.
  3. HUG HER.  Let her sob. Just know some widows will love the long embraces…some not….it can depend upon who she is hugging.
  4. UNDERSTAND THAT SHE MAY NOT RESPOND to your thoughts, care and concern (the 1st 4 months are full of rearranging financial matters, so, along with the intense grief, she may lack in the “proper ways” to respond when people have reached out).
  5. TELL HER MEANINGFUL THINGS ABOUT her spouse. Those words will briefly lessen the pain and those words will come back to her mind later when she can smile!
  6. VISIT HER IN PERSON, even if it is just for 15 minutes. Those 15 minutes will help pull her out of her unbearable pain….giving her a brief reprieve….
  7. WHEN YOU ARE VISITING WITH HER don’t be afraid to ask questions…and if she can’t converse much just be there to briefly talk about basic little things… especially in a sudden death, her heart and mind is still stuck back with the event that changed her course of life….
  8. BE WILLING TO SIT IN DEAD SILENCE WITH HER… “dead silence” is OK….because that is her new reality…(just like my list of eleven people they’ll always be cherished for having been willing to share the dead silence with me).
  9. IF YOU WANT TO BRING FOOD, please bring it in/on a disposable dish. Her mind is too confused to remember “more details”…things that were once small for her are now gigantic.
  10. IF YOU OFFER TO HELP HER with something  (ie. those jobs that MUST be done annually), be sure that you follow through and do what you said you’d do (widows often feel afraid…. worrying how certain jobs will get done)!

 

HOW   TO   HELP   A   SEASONED   WIDOW:

  1. Lady friends (dads and brothers, too), SET UP COFFEE or LUNCH DATES with her. Weekly, monthly or quarterly  (this will be a life-line to her).
  2. Ladies (dads and brothers, too), SHOOT HER A BRIEF TEXT EVERY FEW DAYS or so asking how her day is going (this will be a life-line to her….she STILL misses those routine connections that she had with her husband)!
  3. TELL HER ABOUT all-ladies Bible Study Groups (being the only single person in a mixed group still feels unnatural in the best of circumstances).
  4. BE WILLING TO LET HER REVERT to conversations about her deceased husband.
  5. BE WILLING TO REMINISCE about the happy times AND the painful times that she may have had in her marriage (by now she is processing and assessing her marriage….it’s a normal part of the grief process).
  6. IF YOU LIKE TO PURCHASE LITTLE GIFTS, treat her  with one (but don’t do it too much…likely, her finances are strapped and she may feel bad that she can’t reciprocate).
  7. GO SEE A MOVIE or take her along on your errands trip (if your hours are compatible with her work hours).
  8. UNDERSTAND THAT SHE DOESN’T EXPECT YOU TO REPLACE HER HUSBAND but know that  she truly values your effort and willingness to spend time with her.
  9. UNDERSTAND THAT SHE once lived a life full of connection (please know,  just because she works, has kids, and goes to church doesn’t mean she has deep friendships there).
  10. TRUST HER….if she’s wise she won’t cross “those” boundaries and impede on your family time (YOU be the one to set your boundaries first since you have at least one more person to consider).