Category Archives: Doing it God’s way

TOP 7 Things I LEARNED while MARRIED

June 28, 2018Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting Grief, Grief, grief at 3 years, identifying positive things, Longevity Marriages, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widows and MarriageJulia Wasson

I was married 37 years. Even though Loren & I knew that death would eventually separate us, we somehow assumed we’d be married a good 60 years before one of us went first. Or better yet we’d both pass at the same time (but that’s selfish to wish because we have children and grandchildren who’d feel a double loss). In addition, we came from families whose parents remained married for a minimum of 65 years until one passed.

We had strong examples.

I’m ashamed to say it took me years to “get it”. If Loren was here today he’d equally be honest and say it took him “that long” to learn important lessons!

THANKFULLY, we LEARNED and EXPERIENCED these 7 things in our marriage:

That your spouse wants to be adored. Not worshiped. There is a difference (every person knows their imperfections….they simply want their spouse to understand them and still deeply love them in their raw status).

That enduring love is far separate from the initial lust two individuals feel in their early days as a couple.

That longevity in a marriage can increase the strong chemistry / spark between the two (the fire only burns hotter).

That accountability to your spouse is not only a safety net but a blessing (being aware of the ins and outs of your spouse’s life is the ultimate gift of care).

That some “good marriages” take more effort to thrive (it all comes down to the two individuals).

That each spouse has their own “love language(s)”…and they are usually different (together, Loren and I discovered the book “THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES…the Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman).

That life is full of consequences. Either full of rewards or full of regrets.

Loren and I had finally learned to place undying effort into each other. We climbed that treacherous, most difficult mountain together….to blend…for two strong individuals to become a team….it took blood, sweat, and many tears. And we were fully aware we’d need to stay on course with that continuous climb.

Once we tasted the sweetness of deep love we both knew (and lovingly spoke of it) how we would never be willing to settle for anything less! Until our dying day!

“Our dying day” came sooner than later.

You could say THAT is my problem. I lived the difficulties with him. I then experienced the deep love between two imperfect people who believed in each other. Who decided “we” were worth the effort. I then lived the amazing reward. With him.

We found a deep lasting love. I can never settle for anything less.

CHOOSING my life SCENARIOS and upcoming WEDDINGS

May 21, 2018Children, Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, decision making, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, healthy boundaries, resolutions for the widow, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and MarriageJulia Wasson

My naïve inexperienced heart-full-of-grief had no understanding of the depth and breadth of changes that might come my way. That is, the two voicemails, the one letter, and the one email. From four men. Two I knew. Two not. ALL WITHIN THE FIRST FIVE DAYS of his passing ~ before his Memorial service! Quite frankly, I was blind-sided, even offended, how these people could be so brazen! In my heart, I was not a candidate for contact with them or their private messages. They surely didn’t understand Loren and my marital love and commitment. Nor did they understand the nature of grief!

Simply put, I was not available! But since Loren has passed, two of our daughters became available. Brianne married in 2016. Brenna will be marrying soon.

Watching their newly found love(s) has prompted increased happy reflections of Loren and I while also creating conflict ~ amplifying the loneliness. All while I continue the process of learning to be happy. By myself.

After much contemplation, I’ve concluded there are varying scenarios I could live by:

The “EASY WAY OUT” scenarios:

Date and quickly marry another person (yes, it would certainly relieve the financial adjustments that most widows face but I’m not a big risk-taker. Nor a gambler…nor am I interested in taking on another family…I already have 4 kids and 6 grand kids. I have a hard enough time spreading my time amongst them)!

Find male friends for random dinner dates (but I’ve been advised this simply won’t work, long term, especially with my choice to not be sexually active outside of marriage. And, YES, my girlfriends are awesome but it’s just not the same).

Shut myself off from the world and become reclusive. Read multiple chick – books to live vicariously through the characters. Watch multiple movies throughout the week to avoid my life as it is.

The “WAY I’ve CHOSEN to LIVE it OUT ” scenario:

Keep working to improve myself. Keep forging ahead even when it hurts.

Keep serving God with intention by living a principled life, purposing to be an example of “WHAT TO DO” vs being a casualty of “WHAT NOT TO DO”.

Keep living my widowhood motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”. ( I learned long ago that I am happiest living with a clean conscience).

Have LOTS of fun with the right people in the right settings!!!

So, if my motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”, remains my yardstick and compass I determine I will be a wise woman!

A woman with no regrets. With nothing to hide.

A woman who won’t settle. Period.

A woman who can hold her head high with her spirit remaining deeply humbled before her Almighty God, because she alone knows how deep the loneliness struggle can be.

“God give me the grace and power to live widowhood honorably and pleasing to You. Amen.”

GRANTING myself PERMISSION at this 3 – year anniversary

April 3, 2018Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, grief in the workplace, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, widowhoodJulia Wasson

I’ve never lived my life in complete chaos as far as spiritual upkeep and running a household goes. As a widow, keeping four spheres spinning to manage my home, my property, work at my job, and run my music studio, I’ve done well enough.

BUT, yesterday I had an epiphany!!

I had not given myself permission to add a higher level of order because the three – year anniversary had not yet arrived!

Two Thanksgivings before Loren’s unexpected passing, our family had sat around the table. Because months prior our brother-in-law Max had passed, Loren had said to the children and I, “Whenever I die, I want you to keep thus and thus and thus and thus for three years. If at that point you realize those items no longer hold sentimental value, go ahead and get rid of them.” Our adult son immediately freaked out when he heard those words. He said, “Dad, are you sick? Is there something you’re not telling me?” Loren had said, “No, son. I just very much regret that years back I got rid of an item that my dad had given me when I was a teenager and I now can never get it back.”

Needless-to-say, that casual Thanksgiving Day conversation has been playing in my mind since the day Loren suddenly passed. I have purposefully remembered his wishes and I most certainly have WANTED to honor his wishes!

But THIS spring…THIS summer…there is an innate need to grant myself more permission:

To use more logic than emotion.

To continue analyzing what works for ME (not just how it worked for WE).

To consider selling or gifting specific things.

To continue making the home as a place I now need it to be (ie. If I want a “foo-foo” bedspread in each bedroom it’s A-OK).

To re-organize his shop so I can find things when I need to find them (ie. his idea of where things should go was not the place I would’ve been inclined to put them).

I must admit I feel a sense of freedom to write this, while at the same time, this topic surfaces much deep pain. It has felt safe, and wonderful, and ever-so-happy (if that’s possible in grief) to keep things as they were…………….”He & I in our own little world….”

I now see, I have been tip toeing through my new normal. Gingerly making decisions. Second guessing some of my moves.

But it’s time:

To again, with heightened perspective, take the bull by the horns (whatever that means…).

To look at my three-years-out life in the face.

To be bold enough to ask new questions. See new angles. See new slants and bird’s-eye-views.

TO, maybe, TRUST GOD ENOUGH TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE HE’S IN CONTROL…..

“So, Lord, give me the bravery to follow through with fresh ideas and no longer have a layer of fear.”

P.S. I’ve just now re-read this blog. Taking the bull by the horns feels frightening. Believing God in a far greater capacity seems daunting. Raisin’ my hand. Prayer, please!

4 Most DIFFICULT, the 4 GREATEST, and the 4 Most DANGEROUS Things and RESOLUTIONS

January 16, 2018Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Grief, grief in the workplace, healthy boundaries, Loss, Marriage, resolutions for the widow, widowhoodJulia Wasson

de894856c2782feed1039635b1aa23e6 RESOLUTIONS: I can’t even BEGIN to think of making a list of resolutions for 2018 yet I know it’s time I take another step towards continued healing. The following reflections are current candid evidence of my honest attempt towards creating future New Year Resolutions.

The 4 MOST DIFFICULT THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED are:

No longer having my husband to lie with.

No longer having someone who thinks I am the best thing that has ever happened to him.

Attempting to learn how to be exceedingly happy by myself…that is, without having your other half to amplify the joys.

Discovering how maintaining friendships with multiple friends takes close-to or equal-the-amount-of-time-and-effort it did to maintain a tight close-knit relationship with my spouse/lover……with those friendships not providing the deepest satisfaction that a person finds with their life mate.

The 4 GREATEST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED are:

Other than the maintenance and care on the home front and reporting to work, I can set the course of my other activities.

Other than the financial adjustment living without Loren’s income ALONG with the moral and Biblical guidelines I choose to live by, I can darn well do what I want to do…..(this is VERY unsettling for a gal who had never lived on her own before!)

There’s no one to “argue” ~ “discuss life” with, that is, unless I’m stupid enough to carry on mental discussions within myself over situations I can’t control…..

I have the liberty to dress however I want to dress, even though I know I’d look tons better if I’d pull myself out of the widow-funk and be more stylish and wear some make-up….

The 4 MOST DANGEROUS POSSIBILITIES WHILE BEING SINGLE are:

I could easily become self-centered…forgetting how I once stayed engaged and focused in an alive flourishing relationship.

I could easily become my co-worker’s nightmare if I don’t maintain other friendships away from the workplace…all because I’d be expecting my co-worker’s to become a “work spouse” when in reality my position at work only requires me to fulfill specific duties.

I could easily become self-absorbed, even feeling anxious or angered when recognizing other people still have their chosen private life, shared with the person they love.

At a weak moment I could easily make foolish decisions in the people I associate with ~ ALL because of loneliness and the desire for routine, consistent companionship.

I don’t believe I’ve “crossed in to the danger zone”…but I have faced a few shocking moments where I recognized I had the propensity, even the momentary POWER, to change in to another person…all because of the unwanted devastating loss of Loren.

But, to wander from the guidance and wisdom in the Bible does not seem desirable for a multitude of reasons…..

And I now wonder if people living in good marriages even BEGIN to understand the dilemma single people live with. I certainly hadn’t seen the entire picture. I surely wish I didn’t have to see this picture nor LIVE in this picture as I do now.

So, my ONE NEW 2018 New Years Resolution is to continue being candid and honest with myself. But while in my pursuit for greater peace and the desire to find where I fit, I so wish I didn’t have to live with the cyclic pain and sadness that this deep loss still brings.

MY FIVE HAPPIEST changes and my FIVE SADDEST changes

October 1, 2017Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Grief, grief at 2 years, identifying positive things, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhoodJulia Wasson

This weekend marks the 2 1/2 year anniversary of Loren’s passing. Happily and sadly I am noticing changes. Some changes bring relief. Some changes hold sadness. I have pondered how life would be far easier if a person could just snap their fingers and move forward instantaneously. That has not been my life story. But I have purposed to walk this grief journey honorably and honestly, within my human confines and with God’s strength.

My FIVE HAPPIEST CHANGES are:

I no longer cry every day. Most days I am content, even happy.

I want to be included when in a large group of people, no longer wanting to hide. I’m increasingly feeling more independent. Hesitantly exploring what it is like to be just me. And liking the status of “just me”.

I can be around couples without feeling discomfort and sadness.

I have successfully read one thick, whole book. It feels good to once again focus because I used to be an avid reader.

Should I accidently walk out the door without my wedding ring on my finger it is not a crisis. I can actually smile at my accomplishment.

MY FIVE SADDEST CHANGES are:

I am forgetting bits and pieces of him. Some of his quirky mannerisms. Parts of the wonderful way I felt when I was next to him.

I’m learning memories are NOT enough. It angers me when people assume and say, “All you need are your memories”. In my case, those people are dead wrong! Pictures help…..and let’s just say, I’m incredibly thankful I didn’t get rid of his things, including his gifts to me.

I can’t begin to do everything he did on our property. He was a strong lumberjack and thrived working hard. We made a great team out here. I’m working hard on the ranch but I can’t re-create our strengths together…by myself. A tough realization.

Those conflicts / those issues that most married couples need to work through? I’m still sorting through Loren and my marriage…the strengths and the weaknesses. His passing hasn’t automatically ceased the time, effort, and concern I (we) put into the 37 year marriage. He’s gone. But it’s hard to put a skid on love and commitment.

Each day that passes is but one more day of facing the finality that he is gone. It’s taken a lo-o-o-o-ng time for my HEART to catch up with my MIND…. and the word “painful” doesn’t even begin to describe the anguish one inwardly feels when absorbing this truth.

But I continue to learn to care for myself. So, to care for myself today I will not heap more sorrow on myself. It’s time to go spend time in McMinnville with my brother from Florida, my sister from California, and my uncle from Virginia. To worship together, eat together, and share life together on this Sunday.

God be with us all for I know each and every one of us can share our lives. Through ups and downs. Through joys and sorrows.

The TOP 4 QUESTIONS you MAY be CURIOUS to ASK THIS WIDOW

September 5, 2017Children, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Grandchildren, healthy boundaries, Marriage, Miscellaneous, widowhoodJulia Wasson

I’m like you. Respectful enough to NOT ask every curious question that pops in to my head. Understanding those basic rules of privacy. However, the older I have become I have learned to embrace the concept of being candid!

That is, carefully and cautiously candid.

From what I’ve been told, the following 4 questions are questions many people are curious about ~ when it comes to widows.

Did your desire for intimacy and sex end when he died?

What determines if you be sexually active?

Do you see yourself re-marrying?

What is the key advice you’d give to a new widow?

RE: Does the desire for sex and intimacy end after your loved one dies?

No! In fact, a person’s physical desires often return within mere months. I’ve also found my desire for emotional intimacy with Loren continues 24/7.

I must say, losing my spouse has “thrown me inside my engine”. Tossed me around inside my core…. forcing me to see what I am truly made of. Losing my companion and lover of 37 years has given me a harsh reality to face….. of what I am capable of. Many would say I have “an excuse… a real reason” to re-adjust my lifestyle. To “adjust my morals” because I am no longer married.

RE: What then stops you from being sexually active since becoming a widow?

My answer is threefold.

First, at month four I prayed to the Lord that He help curb the desires. God has helped me and I do my part in avoiding situations.

Secondly, statistics and professionals state women become easily bonded to sexual partners. I know how bonded I was (and still am!) to my deceased husband. I don’t know how to NOT love deeply. How NOT to bond deeply. How NOT to pour my body and soul in to a partner. Thus, I refuse to flippantly share my sexuality freely. I’m stubborn. And I believe God knows what is best for us!

Third and not the least of importance, I’m very concerned I would change….I very much care that my kids and grand kids not “lose” the mom/grandma they knew before his passing. They’ve already lost their dad/grandpa.

RE: Do you ever see yourself re-marrying?

The first year after he passed I said, “Absolutely not! My heart will forever be with Loren.”

At month 28 I say, “I’m learning to be content being single. I miss most aspects of marriage and I very much miss him! I wish he was here in body and my love for him has not stopped. I’m not looking to find someone else.

And quite frankly, I can’t imagine there is someone out there who would ever be as awesome, as annoying, as gifted, and as perfect for me as he was. Besides, who wants to have to train someone else to fit in to MY ways? (now that I’m learning how to put myself first).

RE: What is the key advice you’d give to a new widow?

Within a few days of Loren’s passing, his sister Joyce told me, “Julie, this is going to be the hardest thing you’ll ever do!” She’s right. She knew. She became a widow before I did.

So, WHAT WOULD I TELL THE NEW WIDOW? What would I say to her…in small increments…as not to overwhelm her?

“This will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done”.
“Feel the pain. Don’t run from the pain. You’ll face it sooner. And later”.
“Grieve hard. But don’t stop loving other’s deeply”.
“I love you. I’m so sorry you hurt. I’m here”.

God be with us all. In our pursuit to live wholeheartedly for God. To live honorably in our mind, body and soul.