Category Archives: decision making

GRANTING myself PERMISSION at this 3 – year anniversary

Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, grief in the workplace, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, widowhood

I’ve never lived my life in complete chaos as far as spiritual upkeep and running a household goes. As a widow, keeping four spheres spinning to manage my home, my property, work at my job, and run my music studio, I’ve done well enough.

BUT, yesterday I had an epiphany!!

I had not given myself permission to add a higher level of order because the three – year anniversary had not yet arrived!

Two Thanksgivings before Loren’s unexpected passing, our family had sat around the table.  Because months prior our brother-in-law Max had passed, Loren had said to the children and I, “Whenever I die, I want you to keep thus and thus and thus and thus for three years.  If at that point you realize those items no longer hold sentimental value, go ahead and get rid of them.”  Our adult son immediately freaked out when he heard those words.  He said, “Dad, are you sick? Is there something you’re not telling me?” Loren had said, “No, son.  I just very much regret that years back I got rid of an item that my dad had given me when I was a teenager and I now can never get it back.”

Needless-to-say, that casual Thanksgiving Day conversation has been playing in my mind since the day Loren suddenly passed.  I have purposefully remembered his wishes and I most certainly have WANTED to honor his wishes!

But THIS spring…THIS summer…there is an innate need to grant myself more permission:

  • To use more logic than emotion.

 

  • To continue analyzing what works for ME (not just how it worked for WE).

 

  • To consider selling or gifting specific things.

 

  • To continue making the home as a place I now need it to be (ie. If I want a “foo-foo” bedspread in each bedroom it’s A-OK).

 

  • To re-organize his shop so I can find things when I need to find them (ie. his idea of where things should go was not the place I would’ve been inclined to put them).

 

I must admit I feel a sense of freedom to write this, while at the same time,  this topic surfaces much deep pain. It has felt safe, and wonderful, and ever-so-happy (if that’s possible in grief) to keep things as they were…………….”He & I in our own little world….”

I now see, I have been tip toeing through my new normal.  Gingerly making decisions. Second guessing some of my moves. 

But it’s time:

  • To again, with heightened perspective,  take the bull by the horns (whatever that means…).

 

  • To look at my three-years-out life in the face.

 

  • To be bold enough to ask new questions.  See new angles.  See new slants and bird’s-eye-views.

 

  • TO, maybe, TRUST GOD ENOUGH TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE  HE’S IN CONTROL…..

“So, Lord, give me the bravery to follow through with fresh ideas and no longer have a layer of fear.”

P.S.  I’ve just now re-read this blog.  Taking the bull by the horns feels frightening.  Believing God in a far greater capacity seems daunting.  Raisin’ my hand.  Prayer, please! 

4 Most DIFFICULT, the 4 GREATEST, and the 4 Most DANGEROUS Things and RESOLUTIONS

Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Grief, grief in the workplace, healthy boundaries, Loss, Marriage, resolutions for the widow, widowhood

de894856c2782feed1039635b1aa23e6RESOLUTIONS:  I can’t even BEGIN to think of making a list of resolutions for 2018 yet I know it’s time I take another step towards continued healing.  The following reflections are current candid evidence of my honest attempt towards creating future New Year Resolutions.

The 4 MOST DIFFICULT THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED  are:

  • No longer having my husband to lie with.
  • No longer having someone who thinks I am the best thing that has ever happened to him.
  • Attempting to learn  how to be exceedingly happy by myself…that is, without having your other half to amplify the joys.
  • Discovering how maintaining friendships with multiple friends takes close-to or equal-the-amount-of-time-and-effort it did to maintain a tight close-knit relationship with my spouse/lover……with those friendships not providing the deepest satisfaction that a person finds with their life mate.

The 4 GREATEST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED are:

  • Other than the maintenance and care on the home front and reporting to work,  I can set the course of my other activities.
  • Other than the financial adjustment living  without Loren’s income ALONG with the moral and Biblical guidelines I choose to live by, I can darn well do what I want to do…..(this is VERY unsettling for a gal who had never lived on her own before!)
  • There’s no one to “argue” ~ “discuss life” with,  that is, unless I’m stupid enough to carry on mental discussions within myself over situations I can’t control…..
  • I have the liberty to dress however I want to  dress, even though I know I’d look tons better if I’d pull myself out of the widow-funk and be more stylish and wear some make-up….

The 4 MOST DANGEROUS POSSIBILITIES WHILE BEING SINGLE are:

  • I could easily become self-centered…forgetting how I once stayed engaged and focused in an alive flourishing relationship.
  •  I could easily become my co-worker’s nightmare if I don’t maintain other friendships away from the workplace…all because I’d be expecting my co-worker’s to become a “work spouse” when in reality my position at work only requires me to fulfill specific duties.
  • I could easily become self-absorbed, even feeling anxious or angered when recognizing other people still have their chosen private life, shared with the person they love.
  • At a weak moment I could easily make foolish decisions in the people I associate with ~  ALL because of loneliness and the desire for routine, consistent companionship.

I don’t believe I’ve “crossed in to the danger zone”…but I have faced a few shocking moments where I recognized I had the propensity, even the momentary POWER, to change in to another person…all because of the unwanted devastating loss of Loren.

But, to wander from the  guidance and wisdom in the Bible does not seem desirable for a multitude of reasons…..

And I now wonder if people living in good marriages even  BEGIN to understand the dilemma single people live with.  I certainly hadn’t seen the entire picture.  I surely wish I didn’t have to see this picture nor LIVE in this picture  as I do now.

So, my ONE NEW 2018  New Years Resolution is to continue being candid and honest with myself.  But while in my pursuit for greater peace and the desire to find where I fit,  I so wish I didn’t have to live with the cyclic pain and sadness that this deep loss still brings. 

 

THE GIFT OF WORK while BEING a SINGLE woman

decision making, friendships, Grief, grief in the workplace, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, widowhood

Multitudes of people seem to think  the proverbial “Monday – Friday Work Week” is a prison… the unhappiest days of their week. You know, that part of their week that hinders them from doing what they’d REALLY like to be doing.  To a degree that certainly was true when Loren was still here, especially our final 6 years together as empty  – nesters. 2012 Christmas at my parents

Those final years I could hardly wait for the comforting nights we’d spend together in our own private retreat along with the exhilaration of planning our upcoming dreams and ventures. I’m now a single person without having that special person to go explore the world with or enjoy holing up with for the weekend.

I hate to admit my consistent thrill is returning  to my job every Monday morning!

But, more than before, I have realized my job is a gift.  WORK IS A GIFT!  My additional business of 29 years, Julia Wasson Music Studios, continues to be a gift.

  • I am around a variety of adults. We converse as we pass in the hallways.  We share life.  In that setting.
  • I don’t have time to reflect that I am alone. Time to feel that extreme void. I have specific goals that I must attain each day, all which bring accomplishment.
  • I am daily around 500 children.  I love children’s open hearts and expressions of joy and glee.  Their periodic delighted outbursts are as an ointment soothing my cracked, partially healed wounds.
  • I have a place to go with a specific time of starting and ending.  At my job I have that increment of time to focus my attention elsewhere……other than my home and property, which bears great comfort yet that blaring silence that daily announces Loren’s physical presence is absent.
  • I need the routine because I lost my 37 year life – routine with Loren.  I shudder to think how difficult it may be when it comes my time to retire, as a single person.  But, for now I dare not contemplate those years yet….growing old alone sounds like a sorrowful existence.  I’ll cross that bridge when I get there….

Speaking of work….simply stated, I’m VERY BLESSED to have worked in a supportive environment for 19 years…a place that has given me allowance and space to grieve and grow thru grief.

She said, “JULIA, YOU CAN DO THIS!” and TRUSTING myself AGAIN

Death, decision making, friendships, Grief, grief at 2 years, Miscellaneous, unexpected things in life

FB_IMG_148349094377430 months ago Vonda Ropp attended my husband’s Memorial Service.  I’d seen her just two times since our High School years together at Western Mennonite.  I was shocked to see her since she had traveled from Washington.

After the service Vonda stood in the long line waiting to speak to me. As I recall, she put each of her hands on my shoulders, looked me directly in the eyes and with conviction said, “Julia, you – can – do – this!  Julia, you – can – do – this!”

 At that moment those words bore little weight.  I was enclosed in grief and family was surrounding me with extensive support.  But those days of continuous support have ended.  Understandably so.

I had never forgotten her words ~ somehow setting them up on a shelf, knowing I might desperately need them some day. Evidently that time has arrived!  Vonda’s words are re-visiting me… ringing in my ears….. “Julia, you CAN DO this!” Very important words since the stress of grief has messed with my ability to function in full capacity:  physically, emotionally, and cognitively.

Now, if Loren was here he’d be saying, “Julia, you think too much sometimes.”  That’s easy for HIM to say since he doesn’t have a care in this world where he’s at!  In fact, while Loren’s in Heaven he’s missing out on some of the BIGGEST ACTION that’s happened at the ranch since 2003! 

  • The house’s 14 year old hydronic heating system manifold is suddenly not working properly.
  • The outside wood-fired furnace (which heats the water for the hydronic heating system) most likely has a water leak in the tank.
  • The all-cement-storage room in the basement has mild water damage because the ground surrounding the back exterior of the house became overladen with water because of the heavy rains….along with the fill dirt suddenly settling….all  last winter.
  • Not to mention, four months after Loren passed, my well went dry!! After an extensive, orderly process towards diagnosis and after a lengthy wait in time I am hooked up to community water.  With a neighbor’s advice and much research, I thankfully found a knowledgeable man to oversee that mammoth project.

Needing to address these varied situations without having my other half here to bounce ideas off of,  has re-surfaced “traits” in me.  Loren would’ve identified them as “Julia’s suspicious traits” because he found it easier to trust and give multiple people opportunity.  Not so much me.  I’d counted on my logic along with instincts. Cautiously and selectively choosing people whether it be friendships or doing business for hire.

WHAT DOES ALL OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH growing thru grief? To me….right now….EVERYTHING! 

As a widow I’m all the more BELIEVING THERE  may  BE 3 TYPES OF PEOPLE OUT THERE: 

(1) Good people who will treat you as if there was a knowledgeable  man included in the equation.

(2) Not -so- great people who will take advantage of the single woman because they find out you’re not well –  versed on specific issues.

(3) Good people who have patience and are willing to invest some effort in teaching me necessary skills…those things I didn’t take enough time to pay attention to when Loren was here with me on the ranch.

Without Loren it falls on me to assess:

  • Who are the competent business people?  And where’s the balance….do I accept free help hoping a person can “get to the bottom of the problem”…or…go ahead and bite the bullet and hire that experienced person?
  • Are these people honest in their financial dealings?…with fair, honest prices without purposefully taking advantage of a single person?
  • Would any of these people or their employees be scoping my place for ill intent? (this is a BIG concern for me as a widow).

“So, God, with every seeming large financial decision I make, in every endeavor I approach, lead me and guide me.  Help me learn to trust my inner voice since I am beginning to feel  I can trust my instincts  again.  Help me to carefully make wise decisions in an organized way that will bring healthy, lasting  results that bring no regret.  Amen.”

P.S. I’m very grateful to Ken Eisele, Rod Propes, Don Kellum, and Gary Widrig for putting up with me while I learn my new skills!

P.S.  And, Oh!  in a surprising way I’m finding I love the thrill of orchestrating the repairs and projects!