Category Archives: decision making

PRESSING the RELEASE BUTTON and OUR Plans

Buttons, Death, decision making, Doing New Things, Faith in God, Fears and the Widow, Fighting to grow, God's Will, Grief, Grief at 5 Years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widowhood at 5 years out, Widows Managing Finances

I pressed a release button.  It had not been an easy decision to be making by myself. 

I listed a piece of Residential/Commercial property that Loren and I had purchased on Main Street in  beautiful “Timbertown USA” 26 years ago. In the Commercial Storefront, we owned and operated every-guys-dream-business the first 9 years.  After he tired of the walk-in-retail-component, I then moved Julia Wasson Music Studios into that space for 17 years (where I continued teaching voice/piano lessons ~ having just now completed 32 years of private lessons).  Loren and I had also lived in the home the first 7 years while we built our dream at the ranch.  

“If life had remained as Loren and I had dreamed and expected” this property would have been placed on the market the summer of 2015.  Because Loren was going to retire in one year, he wanted me to close the music studio and have more time to play at the end of my workday.  In addition, OUR PLANS were to use a portion of the proceeds of the sale towards building another building at the ranch and  restoring a hot rod that Loren was bent on racing at the drag strip.   

To go back further yet in time, BEFORE WE DECIDED WE WERE GOING TO PURSUE SELLING THE PLACE on Main Street in 2015, we were going to chase our newest diversions by taking out a loan since we had much equity at the ranch.  Approximately 6 months before he unexpectedly passed, we had gone to our locally-owned Bank and filled out an application.  The Loan Officer saw no reason why this wouldn’t be an easy transaction, with our good credit and long-time standing with this Bank. We waited and waited. Lo and behold, 10 days later the Loan Officer/Head Manager of the Bank called… explaining she was shocked how the requested loan was not approved, yet alone with a satisfactory reasonable answer as to why! 

As Loren and I quietly drove to a restaurant later that evening, discussing what our next step might be, I specifically recall saying, “THIS MAKES NO SENSE.…but….God must know something that WE don’t know…. Something must be going to happen that we are unaware of….” 

….Those words that I had then spoken have replayed in my mind multiple and multiples of times since his passing…. 

To get back to the story, SHOULD WE HAVE been approved of that loan, SHOULD WE HAVE built that other building, SHOULD WE HAVE restored that hotrod….. I would NOT have been able to stay at the ranch on my income! 

I am convinced: God sometimes steps in to spare us….sometimes from ourselves….to protect us….to help arrange our ducks for our unknown-to-us-future.   

P.S.  Since my awesome renters, of the home, are moving to another area in Oregon and I no longer want to deal with the pressures of new renters and the ongoing upkeep of another building, I am selling the place. As far as the private teaching goes, I’ll keep giving a few piano/voice lessons.  Just at a different location.

LiViNg Out THE big QUESTION and IT’s FOLLOW THROUGH while FLYING By tHe SeAt of mY pAnTs

decision making, Doing New Things, Family, Fears and the Widow, Grief, grief at 4 years, How To Help Widows, New Mindsets, unexpected things in life, Widows Managing Finances

In 2016 the Elementary Christmas Concert was cancelled 2x, back to back.   Snow and ice had covered the Willamette Valley. The Elementary School Christmas Concert was finally held AFTER the 2 week Christmas Break!  I was going with the flow….piece of cake to direct-perform with 500 kids who hadn’t rehearsed in 2 weeks. Ha.  Hey, I had survived death.  I knew I could ride it out and I did, because the surprises revolved around music.   But, now the 2019 Holidays are approaching and once more I am starting to recall how those “once-little-things-to-me” now seem to bring higher stress.

Before Loren passed away  I was already making strong progress towards becoming less rigid.  Learning to wing it.  Go with the flow.  Fly by the seat of my pants.  He loved how I had learned to live life well at a moments notice.

Where I’ve now evolved into a “more-eased-person” I’ve EQUALLY discovered DIFFERENT things now bring stressors.   Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised…I’ve been forced to execute life in a new role, so maybe my body and emotions will scream at me in new areas?

  • As of last Thanksgiving, after the meal, I officially resigned from preparing the turkey or ham for future family Holiday meals. Leave me the mashed potatoes, gravy, dressing, sweet potatoes AND a side vegetable but no more main dish!!
  • As of the 2018 Christmas season, I officially resigned from baking the majority of the favorite goodies for our gatherings.  I needed to “share the wealth” and I must say my kids are stepping up to the challenge.
  • (I’m still looking for more ways I can share those duties that moms are expected to do…)

Many times,  I’ve had to ask myself,  “IS  THIS  A  LIFE  OR  A  DEATH  SITUATION?”  (in comparison to my 20 minute attempt to revive him when he died).

IF IT DOESN’T FIT IN THAT   “Is it a life or a death situation”   CATEGORY,  I then:

(1)  determine to give full necessary attention to it (being a good steward of my investment)

(2)  have a few long hard laughs about the irony of the situation (all of the CRAAAZY things happening  AFTER  Loren passed)

(3)  sarcastically saying, “ It’s  ONLY  $ ” (when in reality it’s killing me to pay for it)

(4)  all the while doing my best to de-stress myself and maintain some gratitude for God’s provision and care for me

Frankly, IF I believed in bad luck I’d be saying,  “I’ve had LOTS of  ‘bad luck’  since Loren died”.    But the reality is, things need replacing or repair from normal wear-n-tear & age.

In both September and October 2019, I’ve had to rehearse “The QUESTION and IT’s FOLLOW -THROUGH”:

  • I was without water for 5 days…my underground one mile water line broke (SOMEWHERE between the Community Water hookup/meter along the highway… back to my home… the distance of one mile…up hill…down hill…through the forest…through a field)… Two Businesses / Professionals doing some of the diagnostics and labor…sons doing some of the back breaking labor….with me overseeing all of it plus experiencing some back breaking labor. Job completed.
  • Drip.  Drip.  Drip….then gush,  down my one interior log wall.  Discovering I had deteriorating, torn composite shingles, in one specific valley,  on the 16 year old roof.  Repair possible and completed.
  • The 40 year old Gas Furnace in the rental gave up the ghost. No repair possible because parts were obsolete.  Job completed.
  • The Electric Heat Wall Unit in the studio gave up the ghost. No repair possible.  Job completed.

I’ve actually pondered the validity of moving to a NEW house/property EVERY 10 years….that is, before pesky repairs start to be necessary…  yet that is not a viable option for me, financially or emotionally.  I’ll just keep rehearsing “THE QUESTION and IT’S FOLLOW-THROUGH” and continue practicing the art of flying by the seat of my pants… all while hopefully having a good dose of wisdom.

 

 

BECoMiNG FREE from GRiefS CHRONIC FEAR

Christian Widows, decision making, Doing New Things, Fears and the Widow, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, grief at 2 years, grief at 3 years, grief at 4 years, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, New Mindsets

 

About a week ago I suddenly realized I no longer live under the chronic fear that has accompanied my experience with grief.  In a far earlier Juliawasson.com blog I had touched on this topic, then quoting C.S. Lewis, “GRIEF FEELS LIKE FEAR”.  His experiential statement had initially surprised me yet I could identify with his declaration….it was evident that fear certainly was sandwiched between the multi-layers of upheaval in my life.

As I reflect, I can now categorize key fears and their movement in yearly increments:

1st YEAR: 

Fear of living without my love, my spouse of 37 years

Fear of making big sole decisions (business and personal)

Fear to trust myself (not having my partner, someone to talk things out with)

Fear of the dramatic exhaustion, extreme brain fog and overall malady

2nd YEAR:

Fear that I may be forced to change my life

                Fear because of acute recognition of losing 70% of income

               Fear because sorrow had bombarded me in heightened force (the shock had worn off,  also finding that the 2nd’s were equally as hard as the 1st’s)

Fear,  while wondering if my body could hold up to the physical rigors brought on by mourning

                Still, not trusting myself in sole decision making but slowly feeling better

3rd YEAR:

Choosing to continue living at the same place, clearly understanding the cost of doing so

Still experiencing great emotional loss from losing my best friend but starting to trust myself

Having enough widow-under-my-belt-experience to know “I can do this”

Fewer fears

4th YEAR: 

Starting to enjoy the challenges of sole business decision-making

               NEW  fear of wondering if available finances can carry me another 20 plus years

                A sense of freedom and tranquility more-often-than-not

Energy level returning

                A heightened emotional and physical awareness when any “first level apprehension” surfaces (me never wanting to return to the paralysis that intense grief brought)

               Purposing to re-train my emotional and physical responses BEFORE  fear sets in

 

I believe I will always grieve the loss of losing Loren but I’ve decided I can no longer live with THE FEAR that CAME with the GRIEF.  

Please go to the attached link and listen to my anthem,  a song by Lauren Daigle,  “PEACE  BE  STILL”.

 https://youtu.be/dUpKZz0Nm7c

 

WIDOWS and THeiR ADulT CHildren. Chapter 1.

Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Grief, grief at 4 years, healthy boundaries, Loss, Miscellaneous, resolutions for the widow, Widows and aloneness, Widows and their Adult Children

I wasn’t raised to think this way.  As a married lady with a husband and children I certainly didn’t have this mindset.  As a single person with adult children and grandchildren I am having to learn to embrace this way….

About 6 months after Loren passed,  it was on a  fall evening that I had a most important conversation with myself. 

Up to this point I had been with one of our four children weekly,  daily at times.  They were my life-line.  My body and senses were in full-crisis mode because of the separation from Loren.

I had been out mowing the last mow before the heavy rains were to come.  It was then I had an acute thought, “My kids love me so much that I COULD be needy and helpless, which would require them to be near me”.

 Immediately after that thought passed, I EQUALLY pondered, “I COULD release my kids from FEELING like they need to care for me“.  I then thought of these facts:

  • “I am 57”.
  • “I most likely will have many more years of being single”.
  • “I want my kids to WANT to be with me”.
  • “I NEVER want them to resent me”.
  • “I know there will come a day, as I age, where I will need them more than I do now. I need to have a non-demanding relationship with them NOW since things will change, some day”.

It was then that I  intentionally started releasing my kids from FEELING like they MUST be responsible for my well-being.

Soooo, the random-periodic-times I start feeling “needy”….wanting to find one of my children to attach myself to… I immediately remember that initial ” Pivotal Power Conversation” I had had with my self.

“I still choose to never demand, command, insist that my children try to fill the void that Loren left” .

“I choose to live to the fullest even when that means living a solitary life”.

MY Sweet PLACE and Men who this Widow can Count ON

Christian Widows, decision making, Doing New Things, Family, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 4 years, identifying positive things, Miscellaneous, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Friendships, Widows working with men

June of 2019 had been the catalyst of re-ignition. That is, reigniting my sense of accomplishment,  especially when sharing it with good men while working on the property.  And boy, it all came back to me….that is, remembering how much I loved working outside with men, even as I had done as a child, wanting to be near my father and two brothers on our grass-seed farm.

 In 2015,  some of my adult children had told me, “Mom, we will come out and help you…just DON’T sell the ranch!!!”  As time has passed, they’ve had well-meaning intentions but the fact is (1) they work full time jobs, some of them work two jobs (2) they have families and/or do not live near me.

 

 I loved working on this land with Loren……actually, it started 30 plus years ago when mowing for Loren’s dad on this exact land…I enjoyed driving the back trails with him as he shared his vision for the property….all while he still owned the undeveloped land that Loren and I ended up purchasing from him.  Afterwards, Loren and I thrived in our pioneering adventure.  To stay on top of the up-keep, two Saturday  afternoons a month (year ‘round rain or shine) we’d each hop on our ol’- farm-work-horse quads, hooked up to trailers, go back into the trails and trim vegetation, shovel out overflowing ditches, gather firewood, and end up sitting on a log somewhere in the forest and talk about random “out there” dreams of special ways to improve the place.

In 2016 I had hired 3 teenage farm boys to help split firewood.  Not only did I have to oversee every minuet thing they did (or didn’t do), I quickly realized my husband had been out-working 3 young whippersnappers at the snap of his fingers.   Thankfully, I had never taken his raw strength and willpower for granted but at that moment I was thrown in to the thoughts of, “What will I do without him here?”

For two years I did my best, mostly with daughters Jasmine and Brenna helping,  (Brianne and Jasper a few times) doing  “the big stuff” (chainsaws, gutters, moss killer on the roofs) that Loren and I would’ve done together.  On my own, I still spray the Round-up, maintain the landscaping, mow the lawns, move wood and do the basic up-keep on the buildings.

BUT,  in 2018 I gave myself permission to STOP FEELING GUILTY  over the need to hire Loren’s two retired friends, Marvin and Dan, to mow the back fields, keep the back trails open, fall blow-down trees, prune trees that are growing over road ways, clean out the culverts,  spray the poison oak and Scotch Broom and the list goes on and on.  Dan can outwork 3 teenage boys at age 65.  Marv is a strong workhorse at age 77.

Loren’s faithful dog, Lucky, who passed away 3 years after him…Lucky went everywhere with us and watched  as we worked.

Simply put, everything feels right when these friends are out working on the ranch with me.  They are good men with beautiful wives to share life with, their children and grandchildren too…those loving relationships to nurture on their home-fronts.

Maybe it “feels so right” because they are long-time friends who have remained friends in Loren’s absence…..men who haven’t cleared out because I am single.    I trust them.   My children know them and trust them.  Most importantly,   my children and the men trust me.  Which is priceless.

It’s THIS that makes peace flow my way…knowing that ultimately everything is alright…knowing I have people on my side in a world that at times still feels harsh.

It’s awesome to have my sweet spot.  My place.

P.S.  Thank you dear father, TF, and my dear brothers, Galen and Dennis, for being the good, dependable men that you are!

FRIENDS and the WIDOW. Beliefs about Burial. CHAPTER 2.

attending funerals, Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Doing New Things, Fighting Grief, Grief, grief at 4 years, Honoring Your Deceased Spouse, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Miscellaneous, Widows and Burial Decisions
  • “WHAT?   You haven’t buried him in the ground yet?    That’s horrible!      He can’t rest in peace until you do!”
  • “You should’ve never cremated him!   What about the resurrection?”
  • “His spirit is restless because he hasn’t been laid to rest”.

Yes, these are exact quotes that casual friends, of different religions,  have said to me.

As a young Mennonite child it was common procedure going to multiples of funerals…even walking by open caskets of people I didn’t know (I hated that)!  As an adult musician, I professionally sang and played keyboard for multiples of funerals…being weekly hired by three prominent Funeral Homes in Salem, Oregon.  Being hired to provide a service to families in grief, I mostly was able to separate myself from the pain the families must’ve been feeling.  In addition, I sang at Loren’s parent’s Services and brother-in-law Max’s Memorial Service,  other Wasson family members,  3 of my grandparent’s Funerals, and my first cousin’s 16 year old sons Funeral, but even in that sadness,  things were different…………I hadn’t yet been the spouse sitting on that front row.

From day #1 of marrying Loren, he was VERY VOCAL about wanting to be cremated,  even though cremation was not yet common in the late ‘70’s.  He was known to say, “Caskets take up too much space in the ground, it’s ridiculous to spend thousands of dollars on funerals, and I WON’T BE THERE ANYWAYS BECAUSE I’LL ALREADY BE HOME”.

Now, at that time, I did NOT agree with him regarding cremation!!  I’d immediately respond, “You’d better put your wishes in writing because I’m not sure I can cremate you”.  However, many years later I watched a descriptive four – hour documentary on Funeral Home Procedures.  It was then, I immediately assured Loren I’d respect his wishes.

I’ve come-to-the-conclusion that whether it be  cremation, boxes or beautiful urns, cheap caskets, expensive caskets, open caskets, closed caskets, vaults, burial in the ground, burial in a wall.…. the majority of decisions are based on one of these five:  preference, honor of the loved ones wishes, tradition, religion or finances.

I have no regrets.  I DID THE RIGHT THING!  I’ll go a step further and say I HONORED HIM.  I honored Loren in life AND in death.

That dreadful, shock-filled morning, after the coroner and fire chief were leaving our home,  my children,  along with my brother Galen and my mother,  Loren’s sisters Joyce and Janet,  close friend Carole, and friend and Chaplain, Pastor Connie,  had all gathered to be with me…..we had our 5 hours with Loren in the house before the mortuary workers took his body away.  Even though I was in deep shock, I clearly understood this would be the last time I’d see my love.  I held on to him…. laid close beside him on the hardwood floor.  But as his body no longer felt normal it was time to let him go.  Nature was taking its course…..and I couldn’t reverse time…..

The day we went to the mortuary to pick up Loren’s ashes  my three daughters and I still spoke our relief that we had not had to choose a casket, burial clothes or pallbearers when making arrangements for his Memorial Service.

To this date Loren’s ashes are in a special place in my home.   I’m drawing closer to the thought of burying a portion of the ashes  in our-already-purchased-plot in the cemetery.   At that time, I’ll have a private gathering of close friends and family as we commit his remains  to the  ground under Loren and Julia’s joint headstone that I’ll have had made.  One of our daughters is looking forward to having  a place to take flowers to…for a time of private remembrance.

But,  IT’S NOT TIME…..from the very beginning, my kids and I have discussed doing one or some of the following:

#1.  Divide the ashes.  Put them into lockets.  #2.  Divide the ashes.  Make hand-blown glassware with them.  #3.  To honor Loren’s wishes,  make ammunition with some of his ashes and then shoot them out of his gun (for years, he’d made it clear he’d want this done with his ashes)!

AND,  if he knows what we are doing he’ll be grinning that huge grin from ear to ear.   😊

…but somehow I think my kids and I are acutely aware that taking this next step may bring more sorrow than we’d hope to face, again.  As far as following through with our ideas, we’ve agreed that it’ll be Jasmine and I who will divide the ashes……and YES!…at this  moment I’m pondering if I would’ve regretted having buried all of his ashes immediately after his passing…. you know, there’s something to be said about making life “easier”. 

SOME OF THE Surprising THINGS I’ve Had to DO

Children, Christian Widows, decision making, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, Miscellaneous, Widows and aloneness

As 2018 draws closer to an end, I’ve been reflecting on the multiples of adjustments I’ve had to make.  Because I’ve made the decision to stay on the ranch, continue working at the same job and also keep my business in town, along with the rental, many might assume I’ve not experienced some upheaval.   NOT TRUE!  In all facets of my life I’ve had to “consider the cost”…sometimes daily…how every “Life Choice” will cost me  emotionally, physically, spiritually and, many times, financially.

SOME OF THE SURPRISING THINGS I’VE HAD TO DO FOR MY PHYSICAL WELL-BEING:

  • #1)  Go to my Doctor and purposefully request anti-anxiety medication to help me have better cognitive skills. The day after Loren’s funeral the anguish peaked. I also felt overwhelmed knowing I’d have massive decisions to make…. So, THAT VERY DAY I started seeing my Dr every 2 weeks for the first 3 months and then every 4 weeks up through the end of that 1st year.  By the end of those 12 months I was successfully weaned off of the medication.  (Grief greatly changed my ability to concentrate and focus)!
  • #2)   (as of 16 months ago) Stop being the Music Specialist at the School (the increasing headaches from the stress of teaching and decision-making were literally screaming, “You need to change, Julia”,  plus my same Family Physician, of 30 years, was advising a change might be wise).
  • #3)  Start hiring two of Loren’s retired friends to do the strenuous outside work that Loren used to do (running the chainsaws, keeping the back trails open and climbing  tall ladders).
  • #4)  Ask Jasmine and Brenna to help me clean the gutters, clean moss off the roofs, and vacuum the 22’ high ceiling (I still do layers of the inside and outside work but there are some jobs you just don’t do when you’re by yourself).
  • #5)   Have more down time. (my body requires it nowadays).

MORE OF THE SURPRISING THINGS I’VE HAD TO DO:

  • #6)  Be taxed FAR GREATER as a single person which means the money doesn’t spread NEAR as far (Loren and I, as a married couple, were only taxed 2% MORE and the income was more than DOUBLE what mine is now)!
  • #7)  Update and revise the existing Will and my Advanced Health Directive  via my lawyer since I am now the sole controller of my children’s future inheritance.  (My lawyer advised me to choose a primary and secondary Executor of my Estate, a primary and secondary Power of Attorney, and primary and secondary Health Representative.  I also have  named my 4 children as beneficiaries).
  • #8)  Weekly visit my mentor/counselor/friend/spiritual comrade Mary Elizabeth so I can better navigate the changes in my life (I’ve learned that I need someone to “talk out” my concerns and options with.  I used to do that with Loren).

MORE new AREAS I AM FORCED TO GROW IN (as a now- single- person)

  • #9) To become comfortable as the sole visionary person with the long-distanced foresight (I’m still searching for the periodic financial advisor to replace my father who passed in 2018).
  • #10) To come to the point of acceptance that I am simply unwilling to “restart” my life in another community or capacity (life is not an “adventure” without Loren.  I like familiarity.  I am doing well learning to be satisfied).
  • #11) To admit that I may never want to explore a new hobby by myself  (yes, I have given up Drag Racing and teaching Gun Safety classes because it’s too painful to do it alone.  Those were “he and I together” activities).

So, here I am at 3 ½ years out and the journey still has its jolting bumps and ruts.  But I can now break into a quick exuberant laugh and I give frequent warm hugs!

I want to feel more confident. I want deep peace.  As much as I trust in the Lord and believe that God is in control I still very much like the thought that “I can control a level of my continuity”.

……..I sometimes think his sudden traumatic death (and my desperate attempt to revive him) is the clincher that makes me all-the-more cling to the “likeable thought” of ME controlling my continuity…… 

In the meantime,  I’ll STILL PULL UP MY BIG GIRL BRITCHES and CARRY ON!  

 

To Wear Or NOT To Wear OR Keep

Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Fighting to grow, Getting rid of loved ones things, Grief, grief at 3 years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Wearing Wedding Rings

After driving a long day off the Dayton Bar along the Willamette River,  as I jumped down from my brand new 1979 White Western Star dump truck, my double banded diamond wedding ring became caught near the exterior mirror twisting both the gold wedding and engagement bands, so much that the bands had to be cut off my 4th finger.

After tearing the skin and bruising the now-swollen-finger, from that day forward if Loren and I worked outside around equipment we never wore our wedding bands.  I hated not wearing my wedding rings but I knew it was a necessity because of people who had lost their fingers in accidents around equipment.

Because Loren never wore his wedding ring while delivering groceries for Winco, it was a running joke when he’d put his wedding ring back on, saying, “Well, I guess I’m married today”.  Or better yet, when we were leaving to go on a date we’d jokingly say, “Should we wear our rings tonight and be married?”

Well, as of six months ago, I randomly started not wearing my wedding ring.   Uhmmmm.  Decisions. …..To wear or NOT to wear? 

I had decided to test the waters and see if my grief lessened when not wearing the symbolic circle of commitment and trust.

Other than the initial feelings of emptiness, other than noticing some people (STILL!!) look at my hand and notice that I am (or NOT) wearing my wedding ring, I can attest that neither wearing or removing my wedding ring lessens or increases the loss.  Wearing or not wearing my wedding ring does not change my love for Loren.

I might add, HIS “THINGS” ARE VALUABLE to me.  Last Christmas his shirts were made into quilts for our four children and six grandchildren and became loving personalized gifts.  I’m continually trying to think of ways I can use “his things” as functional memories.

I FINALLY UNDERSTAND HIM!  He was a  “sentimental fool”.  For example,  in the shop sits a few logging paraphernalia his deceased father once used.   When cleaning out the shop a year before he passed, Loren had told Jasmine and I, “I can’t get rid of this.  I JUST CAN’T GET RID OF THIS!”

And that pretty much sums up how I feel about so many of his “things”.  Other than gifting a few things to Loren’s two best friends, Marv and Dan, I carefully-with-much-caution decide if I should get rid of “it”.  I also wonder if some day in the future Loren’s things may become more valuable in sentiment to our children..?…

For me, I have discovered things are not replaceable when memories are attached!!

The rings?  Priceless.

These rings will always hold cherished symbolism.  Whether they sit on the counter or are proudly carried on my finger I can’t imagine ever losing the proud, loving sense of connection.

With his and my rings there is no “til death do us part”.  Death may have forced me to physically part from Loren.  But death can’t steal memories and death can’t stop things from being valued.

SECONDARY LOSSES and Sexual Bereavement

Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, Marriage, Miscellaneous, resolutions for the widow, Sexual Bereavement, widowhood, Widows and aloneness

We’ve all seen this “Secondary Losses” Chart.  I had too.   Because I have lost my spouse, I feel there is a missing “sphere/circle” on this chart.

That is,  SEXUAL BEREAVEMENT: “The loss of the mutual coping patterns that develop over a long period of time in a loving, enduring sexual relationship that cannot be fixed or replaced easily”,   written by Dr. Alice Radosh,  Neuro- psychologist from City University of New York.

Well said, Dr. Radosh.  Well said.  Until I inadvertently came across her online article I had not been aware of the actual terminology “Sexual Bereavement” but I most certainly have experienced it.  I was emotionally and physically bonded to Loren for  37 years.  Until one loses that powerful connection with a spouse I’m not sure a person can fully appreciate or understand the magnitude of loss…..

In addition, the British Dictionary describes BEREAVEMENT as: “the condition of being deprived of something or someone valued, especially through death.”

By now I’m sure there are varying reactions from you readers. Possibly, “This topic needs to remain private”.  Some of your thoughts may include, “Find a man.”  “It’s time you move on and get over him.”  Or, “Thank you for being brave enough to talk about this component of widowhood”.

Believe me, my closest widow girlfriends and I periodically discuss the predicament.  We deeply loved our husbands and still love our deceased husbands.

For us, there is no easy solution….for we are governed by powerful memories and the desired continuity of peace from a clear conscience!!!

After 3 years, I’m finally adjusting to the routine of living single, however, it is just now that I am starting to face the hardcore fact  that there are facets of my world that may never again feel “right”.  That realization feels dauntingly painful at times.

I’m just grateful I’ve learned to healthily cope with the adjustments.

“So, God, I’m thankful You’ve given me the grace to stay on course… and the gift of a good dose of common sense.”

CHOOSING my life SCENARIOS and upcoming WEDDINGS

Children, Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, decision making, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, healthy boundaries, resolutions for the widow, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Marriage

 

 My naïve inexperienced heart-full-of-grief had no understanding of the depth and breadth of changes that might come my way.  That is, the two voicemails, the one letter, and the one email.  From four men.  Two I knew.  Two not.  ALL WITHIN THE FIRST FIVE DAYS of his passing ~ before his Memorial service!  Quite frankly, I was blind-sided, even offended, how these people could be so brazen!  In my heart, I was not a candidate for contact with them or their private messages. They surely didn’t understand Loren and my marital love and commitment.  Nor did they understand the nature of grief!

Simply put, I was not available!  But since Loren has passed, two of our daughters became available.  Brianne married in 2016.  Brenna will be marrying soon.

Watching their newly found love(s) has prompted increased happy reflections of Loren and I while also creating  conflict  ~ amplifying the loneliness. All while I continue the process of learning to be happy. By myself.

 

After much contemplation,  I’ve concluded there are varying scenarios I could live by:

 

The “EASY WAY OUT” scenarios:

  • Date and quickly marry another person (yes, it would certainly relieve the financial adjustments that most widows face but I’m not a big risk-taker. Nor a gambler…nor am I interested in taking on another family…I already have 4 kids and 6 grand kids.  I have a hard enough time spreading my time amongst them)!

 

  • Find male friends for random dinner dates (but I’ve been advised this simply won’t work, long term, especially with my choice to not be sexually active outside of marriage.  And, YES, my girlfriends are awesome but it’s just not the same).

 

  • Shut myself off from the world and become reclusive. Read multiple chick – books to live vicariously through the characters.  Watch multiple movies throughout the week to avoid my life as it is.

 

The “WAY  I’ve  CHOSEN  to  LIVE  it  OUT ” scenario:

  • Keep working to improve myself.  Keep forging ahead even when it hurts.

 

  • Keep serving God with intention by living a principled life,  purposing to be an example of  “WHAT TO DO”  vs being a casualty of  “WHAT NOT TO DO”.

 

  • Keep living my widowhood motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”. ( I learned long ago that I am happiest living with a clean conscience).

 

  • Have LOTS of fun with the right people in the right settings!!!

 

So, if my motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”,  remains my yardstick and compass I determine I will be a wise woman!

  • A woman with no regrets.  With nothing to hide.

 

  • A woman who won’t settle.  Period.

 

  • A woman who can hold her head high with her spirit remaining deeply humbled before her Almighty God, because she alone knows how deep the loneliness struggle can be.

 

“God give me the grace and power to live widowhood honorably and pleasing to You. Amen.”