Category Archives: Christian Widows

THE LaST DAy of THis YEAR

Children, Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Doing New Things, Family, Grandchildren, Grief, grief at 3 years, Holidays and Grief, Loss, Miscellaneous, Navigating the Holidays

 

Gosh, O my, “drives me crazy with some of these errors” but I still love this quote! I SO believe it!

THIS YEAR…on THIS DAY…I’ve been proactive. See, after Christmas Day, I left on an airplane……just one more thing I may have never done if Loren was here.

I’m sitting by a pool in Florida,  at an Air B & B, in a resort.  I’m surrounded by my brother Dennis & my sister (his wife) Linda, (nephew) Chad & Lisa, (nephew) Cheritt  & Kelly, Jonathan & (niece) Charissa and the “lovelies” (Dennis’s  five adorable grandchildren).

I LOVE THE GOOD CONVERSATION!  I’ve never loved frivolous surface talk.  I prefer candid heart-to-heart dialogue.  I’m enjoying getting to know my nieces and nephews as adults who are in their late 30’s to early 40’s.  To have this snippet of time to share life with them (and their families) will forever be cherished!

It’s been interesting observing the family dynamics amongst  Dennis’s family.  I smile because numerous times, since Loren passed, I have caught myself sitting back at my gatherings considering the changes that are occurring in my kids and grandkids.   Most of the changes are pleasing yet a low level of sadness hints at the heightened exchanges  amongst my children and I.  This improved respect and adoration should not be a poor reflection of Loren as much as our wakened attentiveness to the frailty of human life and the increasing desire to treasure our time together.

So, THIS LAST DAY of  THIS YEAR   brings hope and encouragement (along with the great anticipation of going to a Medieval Jousting Performance / Meal tonight.  Check.  One more thing off of my bucket list)!

THIS LAST DAY of 2018 BRINGS HOPE:

  • Trusting each Holiday Season will bring SHORTER episodes of deep longing with pain.
  • That I will keep giving myself MORE permission to try new things.
  • That I will trust that I can learn to FIND enjoyment in more settings.
  •  That I will continue being MORE comfortable in more situations.

AND.. this year I’m not home alone, for which I am very thankful!

May each of us have a  Blessed New Year (note, I don’t need a Happy New Year…I need a Blessed Year from God above)!

P.S.  THANK YOU (brother) Galen for strongly encouraging me to venture out and go.  THANK YOU mom & dad (last spring before my dad passed) for encouraging me to not stay home the 2018 Christmas Break (they knew how painful the 2017 Season was)… Thank you, my dear children, for holding down the fort…I love all of you!

The last P.S.  You need to know I would NEVER expect my adult children to include me in their New Year’s Eve plans!  I want my kids to WANT to be with me vs them feeling OBLIGATED to include me.  They need to live life to the fullest as Loren and I did at their ages. 

 

SOME OF THE Surprising THINGS I’ve Had to DO

Children, Christian Widows, decision making, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, Miscellaneous, Widows and aloneness

As 2018 draws closer to an end, I’ve been reflecting on the multiples of adjustments I’ve had to make.  Because I’ve made the decision to stay on the ranch, continue working at the same job and also keep my business in town, along with the rental, many might assume I’ve not experienced some upheaval.   NOT TRUE!  In all facets of my life I’ve had to “consider the cost”…sometimes daily…how every “Life Choice” will cost me  emotionally, physically, spiritually and, many times, financially.

SOME OF THE SURPRISING THINGS I’VE HAD TO DO FOR MY PHYSICAL WELL-BEING:

  • #1)  Go to my Doctor and purposefully request anti-anxiety medication to help me have better cognitive skills. The day after Loren’s funeral the anguish peaked. I also felt overwhelmed knowing I’d have massive decisions to make…. So, THAT VERY DAY I started seeing my Dr every 2 weeks for the first 3 months and then every 4 weeks up through the end of that 1st year.  By the end of those 12 months I was successfully weaned off of the medication.  (Grief greatly changed my ability to concentrate and focus)!
  • #2)   (as of 16 months ago) Stop being the Music Specialist at the School (the increasing headaches from the stress of teaching and decision-making were literally screaming, “You need to change, Julia”,  plus my same Family Physician, of 30 years, was advising a change might be wise).
  • #3)  Start hiring two of Loren’s retired friends to do the strenuous outside work that Loren used to do (running the chainsaws, keeping the back trails open and climbing  tall ladders).
  • #4)  Ask Jasmine and Brenna to help me clean the gutters, clean moss off the roofs, and vacuum the 22’ high ceiling (I still do layers of the inside and outside work but there are some jobs you just don’t do when you’re by yourself).
  • #5)   Have more down time. (my body requires it nowadays).

MORE OF THE SURPRISING THINGS I’VE HAD TO DO:

  • #6)  Be taxed FAR GREATER as a single person which means the money doesn’t spread NEAR as far (Loren and I, as a married couple, were only taxed 2% MORE and the income was more than DOUBLE what mine is now)!
  • #7)  Update and revise the existing Will and my Advanced Health Directive  via my lawyer since I am now the sole controller of my children’s future inheritance.  (My lawyer advised me to choose a primary and secondary Executor of my Estate, a primary and secondary Power of Attorney, and primary and secondary Health Representative.  I also have  named my 4 children as beneficiaries).
  • #8)  Weekly visit my mentor/counselor/friend/spiritual comrade Mary Elizabeth so I can better navigate the changes in my life (I’ve learned that I need someone to “talk out” my concerns and options with.  I used to do that with Loren).

MORE new AREAS I AM FORCED TO GROW IN (as a now- single- person)

  • #9) To become comfortable as the sole visionary person with the long-distanced foresight (I’m still searching for the periodic financial advisor to replace my father who passed in 2018).
  • #10) To come to the point of acceptance that I am simply unwilling to “restart” my life in another community or capacity (life is not an “adventure” without Loren.  I like familiarity.  I am doing well learning to be satisfied).
  • #11) To admit that I may never want to explore a new hobby by myself  (yes, I have given up Drag Racing and teaching Gun Safety classes because it’s too painful to do it alone.  Those were “he and I together” activities).

So, here I am at 3 ½ years out and the journey still has its jolting bumps and ruts.  But I can now break into a quick exuberant laugh and I give frequent warm hugs!

I want to feel more confident. I want deep peace.  As much as I trust in the Lord and believe that God is in control I still very much like the thought that “I can control a level of my continuity”.

……..I sometimes think his sudden traumatic death (and my desperate attempt to revive him) is the clincher that makes me all-the-more cling to the “likeable thought” of ME controlling my continuity…… 

In the meantime,  I’ll STILL PULL UP MY BIG GIRL BRITCHES and CARRY ON!  

 

20 Reasons to Never Re-Marry, ETC

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Family, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, Humor in widowhood, identifying positive things, Loss, loving your deceased spouse, Miscellaneous

 

Even though the person who created this quote made a typo, I love this!

Many might say I have a sick sense of humor.  The truth is, Loren and I shared the same sense of humor.    Should I have passed first you can bet Loren would’ve came up with the 20 reasons about me.  Ha.  Fact.

At 3 years and 7 months out, I’m learning to look at life through new lenses.

Ah, the things I did for love and the things I did begrudgingly, as his help meet.

 

 

THUS, MY 20 REASONS WHY TO NEVER RE-MARRY!

1)   Never again must I need to wipe small splats of urine off the toilet rim.

2)  Never again must I need to bake chocolate chip cookies weekly.

3)  Never again must I need to be sure his Winco work shirts are perfectly clean.

4)  Never again must I need to perfectly match his socks.

5)  Never again must I make an emergency trip to the pharmacy to pick up his RX (that he was supposed to pick up the day before).

6)  Never again must I pick up toenail clippings that accidently missed the garbage can.

7)  Never again must I pick up a wadded piece of paper that didn’t hit the target.

8)  Never again must I sweep sawdust falling from the blue jeans and suspenders he had been wearing when outside cutting firewood.

9) Never again must I help a man who had side line businesses that include the wife helping him 5 – 10 hours each weekend.

10)  Never again must I tell him to get off Facebook during a “too-long” sermon at church.

11)  Never again must I ask him to stop playing his solitaire game when I wanted good conversation (while I was driving the Challenger on a Friday date night).

12)  Never again must I need to ask him what he’s thinking if he’s unusually quiet.

13)  Never again must I massage his back and shoulders until my arms and hands ache.

14)  Never again ………… wait a minute.  STOP!  I QUIT!

The truth is this fun little blog has suddenly become very sad.  Hot tears are now flowing.  I’d give anything to have our life back.

Want some wise advice?

  • Hang on tight to your loved one tonight.
  • Kiss him hard (no light pecks here and there).
  • Hug him tightly (none of those light pats on the back).
  • With your spouse, make love fervently.
  • Get caught up in the moment like it’s your last time (no half-hearted stuff here).

And, please don’t think I was his slave OR married to a lazy man.  On the contrary!  He worked 60 – 70 hours a week for Winco and then busted his tail for pleasure along with the projects we enjoyed.  As he slowed down towards his upcoming retirement, Loren did multiple little things for me.  We were having the time of our lives, lovin’ and playing hard those final 7 years.  No regrets!

P.S.      Yes, it’s true that I’m learning how to enjoy life in the present but I’d readily re-marry Loren again.

To Wear Or NOT To Wear OR Keep

Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Fighting to grow, Getting rid of loved ones things, Grief, grief at 3 years, Loss, Miscellaneous, Wearing Wedding Rings

After driving a long day off the Dayton Bar along the Willamette River,  as I jumped down from my brand new 1979 White Western Star dump truck, my double banded diamond wedding ring became caught near the exterior mirror twisting both the gold wedding and engagement bands, so much that the bands had to be cut off my 4th finger.

After tearing the skin and bruising the now-swollen-finger, from that day forward if Loren and I worked outside around equipment we never wore our wedding bands.  I hated not wearing my wedding rings but I knew it was a necessity because of people who had lost their fingers in accidents around equipment.

Because Loren never wore his wedding ring while delivering groceries for Winco, it was a running joke when he’d put his wedding ring back on, saying, “Well, I guess I’m married today”.  Or better yet, when we were leaving to go on a date we’d jokingly say, “Should we wear our rings tonight and be married?”

Well, as of six months ago, I randomly started not wearing my wedding ring.   Uhmmmm.  Decisions. …..To wear or NOT to wear? 

I had decided to test the waters and see if my grief lessened when not wearing the symbolic circle of commitment and trust.

Other than the initial feelings of emptiness, other than noticing some people (STILL!!) look at my hand and notice that I am (or NOT) wearing my wedding ring, I can attest that neither wearing or removing my wedding ring lessens or increases the loss.  Wearing or not wearing my wedding ring does not change my love for Loren.

I might add, HIS “THINGS” ARE VALUABLE to me.  Last Christmas his shirts were made into quilts for our four children and six grandchildren and became loving personalized gifts.  I’m continually trying to think of ways I can use “his things” as functional memories.

I FINALLY UNDERSTAND HIM!  He was a  “sentimental fool”.  For example,  in the shop sits a few logging paraphernalia his deceased father once used.   When cleaning out the shop a year before he passed, Loren had told Jasmine and I, “I can’t get rid of this.  I JUST CAN’T GET RID OF THIS!”

And that pretty much sums up how I feel about so many of his “things”.  Other than gifting a few things to Loren’s two best friends, Marv and Dan, I carefully-with-much-caution decide if I should get rid of “it”.  I also wonder if some day in the future Loren’s things may become more valuable in sentiment to our children..?…

For me, I have discovered things are not replaceable when memories are attached!!

The rings?  Priceless.

These rings will always hold cherished symbolism.  Whether they sit on the counter or are proudly carried on my finger I can’t imagine ever losing the proud, loving sense of connection.

With his and my rings there is no “til death do us part”.  Death may have forced me to physically part from Loren.  But death can’t steal memories and death can’t stop things from being valued.

SECONDARY LOSSES and Sexual Bereavement

Christian Widows, Death, decision making, Doing it God's way, Fighting Grief, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, Marriage, Miscellaneous, resolutions for the widow, Sexual Bereavement, widowhood, Widows and aloneness

We’ve all seen this “Secondary Losses” Chart.  I had too.   Because I have lost my spouse, I feel there is a missing “sphere/circle” on this chart.

That is,  SEXUAL BEREAVEMENT: “The loss of the mutual coping patterns that develop over a long period of time in a loving, enduring sexual relationship that cannot be fixed or replaced easily”,   written by Dr. Alice Radosh,  Neuro- psychologist from City University of New York.

Well said, Dr. Radosh.  Well said.  Until I inadvertently came across her online article I had not been aware of the actual terminology “Sexual Bereavement” but I most certainly have experienced it.  I was emotionally and physically bonded to Loren for  37 years.  Until one loses that powerful connection with a spouse I’m not sure a person can fully appreciate or understand the magnitude of loss…..

In addition, the British Dictionary describes BEREAVEMENT as: “the condition of being deprived of something or someone valued, especially through death.”

By now I’m sure there are varying reactions from you readers. Possibly, “This topic needs to remain private”.  Some of your thoughts may include, “Find a man.”  “It’s time you move on and get over him.”  Or, “Thank you for being brave enough to talk about this component of widowhood”.

Believe me, my closest widow girlfriends and I periodically discuss the predicament.  We deeply loved our husbands and still love our deceased husbands.

For us, there is no easy solution….for we are governed by powerful memories and the desired continuity of peace from a clear conscience!!!

After 3 years, I’m finally adjusting to the routine of living single, however, it is just now that I am starting to face the hardcore fact  that there are facets of my world that may never again feel “right”.  That realization feels dauntingly painful at times.

I’m just grateful I’ve learned to healthily cope with the adjustments.

“So, God, I’m thankful You’ve given me the grace to stay on course… and the gift of a good dose of common sense.”

DREAMS and the RELATIONSHIP with the DEAD SPOUSE

Christian Widows, Doing it God's way, Dreams of Your Dead Spouse, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, loving your deceased spouse

 

 

I like this quote. I’m not sure if my experiences exactly match this thought.

At 3 years and 6 months out, I feel hesitant to speak about my dreams and beliefs in an open forum.  Even though I have FINALLY adjusted to singleness, there is a beautiful struggle with the art of loving your spouse who has gone on before you. 

In a nutshell, I could say I still have a relationship with Loren, howbeit changed because he is physically absent.

 

I’ve frequently DREAMED OF HIM and have had SIX special dreams of Loren in heaven.  In these six vivid, detailed, colorful dreams I have seen: 

  • He, his father, and brother-in-law Max building houses. I’ve seen blueprints and the framework of the houses.  All three were doing physical labor and actively working together with no physical constraints.  In the two dreams I knew they were “preparing”.

 

  • Within 6 months of his passing I dreamed of Loren walking away, me seeing his backside only, with him holding two children, each one (maybe 2-4 years old) held high on each shoulder. I could not see the children’s faces or features. In the dream I was initially puzzled.  In the dream I suddenly realized he was carrying our two grandchildren who never grew enough in their mother’s wombs to be born full term! (After this dream, the intense deadening, desperate grief lessened in me…. I had grieved deeply how he, the avid grandfather, was missing out on the activities and growth of Olivia and Adeline…he also missing out on grandson Lincoln’s birth).

 

  • Loren standing amongst a massive throng of worshipers, looking upward, as a worship service was occurring. Many angels were at the front of the huge area, as if on a platform, surrounding Jesus, who was standing.  The audience was worshiping and eagerly awaiting to hear Jesus speak. (Here on earth, Loren often expressed how he enjoyed worshiping by watching others worship).

 

  • Loren standing amongst a massive throng of worshipers with his hands lifted straight up towards the sky, elbows not bent, all ten fingers spread wide open, as if he was screaming out his adoration to God in the deepest way he could. (There was no watching others.  He was intent.  Even wonderfully “lost”).
  • Loren standing in a meadow, the grass and flowers were chest height…. it was as if though he had been slowly meandering for a long time. He seemed to have this depth of calmness and serenity that I had never seen while living with him here on earth. I could see and feel he was deeply communing with God, as if he was listening to the details that the Spirit was telling him. (Loren staying still was atypical here on earth. Also the scene in the dream seemed to last for 10 minutes…).

I believe Loren is not dead.  OF COURSE, I know his physical body died.  Stopped.

 But LOREN is alive and well in a place called Heaven with Jesus and the throngs of others gone on before.  In fact, I believe he is more alive there than he ever was here on earth!   What a comfort.  What a joy!

I dare to say there are others of you who have had dreams and experiences after your loved ones have passed….

P.S.  I’ve also had dreams of him coming to me….but, those dreams are too special for me to share via an open forum.  And, yes, I’ve thought I have felt his presence in a room or in the car…especially during the first two years after his passing.  One of my daughters has had two dreams of him watching her and knowing things.  And yes, I’ve talked with my Dr about some of this…  my neurologist told me EVEN HIS MOTHER has experienced these types of things since his father passed away!

SUMMER FLINGS and the FINALLY I’m ABLE to’s

Christian Widows, Death, Fighting to grow, Grief, grief at 3 years, identifying positive things, Loss, TV shows and grief healing, unexpected things in life

I’m now in my 4th summer, this being the best of the four without Loren.  There’s less sadness.  Less debilitating loneliness.  Yet thankfully I have constant reminders of “he and I” and our life together as I’m outside working on projects that cannot be put off one more season.

But, this summer I’m having a summer fling.  That is, with my TV.  For the first time ever-in-my-life, I’m recording and watching a re-run series, for the most part, from start to finish.  You could say I’ve felt compelled and curious to watch it.  With new eyes.  I’ve chosen to listen to my instincts even wondering if this could be an odd way of moving me forward.        Again.

Maybe to put more light onto the situation. Again.

 

I’m pretty proud that I can even watch the show after the distress of Loren’s passing and my desperate attempt to revive him!  After watching a good 60 hours of the show ER, there’s only been 1x where I had to fast forward because I instinctively knew that particular scene would throw me back in time.

 

I’m pretty pleased that I’M FINALLY ABLE TO:

  • Again watch CPR being performed on people. Successfully and unsuccessfully (unsuccessfully: when people can’t be revived).
  • Hear ambulances and observe EMT’s (without me feeling a triggered emotional and sickened physical response).
  • Watch the families as they are in turmoil as their loved one(s) demise is unknown.
  • Observe the efforts and concerns of the EMT’s, physicians and (sometimes) coroners.
  • Watch adults die (watching young children succumb creates a deep conflict in me).

Of course, I understand I am watching fiction!!!   But in some ways there are close comparisons to what actually happened that morning…..  however,  fictional TV  in NO way displays the lasting anguish and “forever adjustments”….

So, yes, other than working summer school and trying to catch up with multiple projects and enjoy time with a few girlfriends here and there, my life and “all of its excitement” revolves around a 2018 summer fling with my TV.

Is that pathetic or maybe very wise?

 

 

 

TOP 7 Things I LEARNED while MARRIED

Christian Widows, Death, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Fighting Grief, Grief, grief at 3 years, identifying positive things, Longevity Marriages, Loss, Miscellaneous, Widows and Marriage

I was married 37 years.  Even though Loren & I knew that death would eventually separate us, we somehow assumed we’d be married a good 60 years before one of us went first.   Or better yet we’d both pass at the same time (but that’s selfish to wish because we have children and grandchildren who’d feel a double loss).  In addition, we came from families whose parents remained married for a minimum of 65 years until one passed.

  We had strong examples.

I’m ashamed to say it took me years to “get it”.   If Loren was here today he’d equally be honest and say it took him “that long” to learn important lessons!

 

THANKFULLY, we LEARNED and EXPERIENCED these 7 things in  our marriage:

 

  • That your spouse wants to be adored. Not worshiped.  There is a difference (every person knows their imperfections….they simply want their spouse to understand them and still deeply love them in their raw status).

 

  • That enduring love is far separate from the initial lust two individuals feel in their early days as a couple.

 

  • That longevity in a marriage can increase the strong chemistry / spark between the two (the fire only burns hotter).

 

  • That accountability to your spouse is not only a safety net but a blessing (being aware of the ins and outs of your spouse’s life is the ultimate gift of care).

 

  • That some “good marriages” take more effort to thrive (it all comes down to the two individuals).

 

  • That each spouse has their own “love language(s)”…and they are usually different (together, Loren and I discovered the book “THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES…the Secret to Love that Lasts” by Gary Chapman).

 

  • That life is full of consequences. Either full of rewards or full of regrets.

 

Loren and I had finally learned to place undying effort into each other.  We climbed that treacherous, most difficult mountain together….to blend…for two strong individuals to become a team….it took blood, sweat, and many tears.  And we were fully aware we’d need to stay on course with that continuous climb.

Once we tasted the sweetness of deep love we both knew (and lovingly spoke of it) how we would never be willing to settle for anything less!  Until our dying day!

“Our dying day” came sooner than later.

You could say THAT is my problem. I lived the difficulties with him.  I then experienced the deep love between two imperfect people who believed in each other.  Who decided “we” were worth the effort.  I then lived the amazing reward.  With him.

We found a deep lasting love.  I can never settle for anything less.

 

CHOOSING my life SCENARIOS and upcoming WEDDINGS

Children, Christian Widows, Dating and Widows, decision making, Doing it God's way, Faith in God, Family, Grief, grief at 3 years, healthy boundaries, resolutions for the widow, widowhood, Widows and aloneness, Widows and Marriage

 

 My naïve inexperienced heart-full-of-grief had no understanding of the depth and breadth of changes that might come my way.  That is, the two voicemails, the one letter, and the one email.  From four men.  Two I knew.  Two not.  ALL WITHIN THE FIRST FIVE DAYS of his passing ~ before his Memorial service!  Quite frankly, I was blind-sided, even offended, how these people could be so brazen!  In my heart, I was not a candidate for contact with them or their private messages. They surely didn’t understand Loren and my marital love and commitment.  Nor did they understand the nature of grief!

Simply put, I was not available!  But since Loren has passed, two of our daughters became available.  Brianne married in 2016.  Brenna will be marrying soon.

Watching their newly found love(s) has prompted increased happy reflections of Loren and I while also creating  conflict  ~ amplifying the loneliness. All while I continue the process of learning to be happy. By myself.

 

After much contemplation,  I’ve concluded there are varying scenarios I could live by:

 

The “EASY WAY OUT” scenarios:

  • Date and quickly marry another person (yes, it would certainly relieve the financial adjustments that most widows face but I’m not a big risk-taker. Nor a gambler…nor am I interested in taking on another family…I already have 4 kids and 6 grand kids.  I have a hard enough time spreading my time amongst them)!

 

  • Find male friends for random dinner dates (but I’ve been advised this simply won’t work, long term, especially with my choice to not be sexually active outside of marriage.  And, YES, my girlfriends are awesome but it’s just not the same).

 

  • Shut myself off from the world and become reclusive. Read multiple chick – books to live vicariously through the characters.  Watch multiple movies throughout the week to avoid my life as it is.

 

The “WAY  I’ve  CHOSEN  to  LIVE  it  OUT ” scenario:

  • Keep working to improve myself.  Keep forging ahead even when it hurts.

 

  • Keep serving God with intention by living a principled life,  purposing to be an example of  “WHAT TO DO”  vs being a casualty of  “WHAT NOT TO DO”.

 

  • Keep living my widowhood motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”. ( I learned long ago that I am happiest living with a clean conscience).

 

  • Have LOTS of fun with the right people in the right settings!!!

 

So, if my motto, “IF IT COSTS YOU YOUR PEACE IT IS TOO EXPENSIVE”,  remains my yardstick and compass I determine I will be a wise woman!

  • A woman with no regrets.  With nothing to hide.

 

  • A woman who won’t settle.  Period.

 

  • A woman who can hold her head high with her spirit remaining deeply humbled before her Almighty God, because she alone knows how deep the loneliness struggle can be.

 

“God give me the grace and power to live widowhood honorably and pleasing to You. Amen.”