The 2018 Christmas season was the most difficult, by far. You’d think my 4th Christmas Season without Loren would’ve been “happier” as far as enjoying the preparation for the Holiday. I made honest efforts. Another factor in the mix: this is my 2nd season of not 
directing K-6 Christmas Concerts and my private student’s Christmas Recital. Even though I enjoy the lowered stress I very much miss performing with students.
IN MY GROWING-UP-YEARS my happy Christmases were filled with:
- Going to the Rickreall Christmas pageant and being enamored with the live animals and live baby Jesus.
- Santa Claus surprising we Elementary kids at our small Country Schoolhouse, he passing out bags of candy and oranges.
- Christmas parties. Christmas Caroling.
- Watching my mom bake and prepare Christmas goodie platters to share with the neighbors.
- Me sitting near the tree for hours in the evening with the lights dimmed… rocking while entranced with the sparkling colors on the Christmas tree.
- Receiving modest gifts, but always one special toy and a pair of new pajamas.
- Delighting in the magical times at Grandpa and Grandma Kropf’s house.
- Eating Grandma Kropf’s homemade candies and banana cream pies with the flaky buttery crusts.
- Eating roasted Duck and ice cream pie on New Year’s Day at Grandpa and Grandma Gingerich’s home.
By the 1977 Christmas season I was dating Loren. By the 1978 Christmas season I was married to Loren. We continued many of the traditions. I continued singing but now in much larger Christmas presentations and eventually started hosting Christmas piano and voice recitals in our log home. To top it off, our children and the excitement of our “he & I” celebrations brought much excitement to my life.
But now….things….are….SOOOO…different. I, my children and grandchildren had desperately tried to keep Christmas-as-we-knew-in-our-family going.
After 5 days of sudden, unexpected deep sorrow and literal physical pain last month, on December 15th I GAVE MYSELF PERMISSION!!
This permission was not martyrdom. Not fatalism. Not “depression speaking”. Instead I believe it was wisdom. Acceptance. Willingness to “let go of MY NEED to experience that ADRENALINE RUSH”… that- for-the-majority-of-my-life I had enjoyed…. that build-up and then the peak of multiple performances and festivities in December.
I GAVE MYSELF PERMISSION:
- To no longer “expect AND need to be happy” at Christmas time.
- To be “just OK” during the Christmas season.
- To begin to appreciate “bareness”….the lack of stimulation and multitudes of ideas and activities during the season.
- To lower MY expectations of MY responsibilities to make my children and grandchildren happy (Brenna & Eugene did a beautiful job of hosting our family celebration on Christmas Day. Thank you for asking to host, Brenna! I also cancelled the Christmas baking tradition).
Society tells us we NEED to be HAPPY! Happiness, even joy, are not paramount!
However, if I HAD to CHOOSE between peace or happiness I’d choose peace! The deep tranquil peace.
P.S. It is very possible that my increased pain was because this was my dads 1st Christmas in Heaven….just one more empty chair at the table….one less voice….and one less laugh to hear.
P.S.S. Two days after Christmas I expedited a-change-of-course and flew to Florida to be with my brother and his family. Being proactive brought me happiness and I, again, discovered it is healthy for me to experience new surroundings periodically.
Thanks for sharing your heart and your intentionality about adjusting to a new normal. And thanks for reminding me of so many things from our childhood Christmas experiences that I had long forgotten. And, most of all, thanks for coming to Florida to spend some time with our family right after Christmas. Love ya Sis! ~Dennis
Ah, those memories that we often forget! I had a wonderful time with your family! Love you! Julia
Individuals who have found themselves on the grief stricken pathway – would be wiser and happier, if they gave themselves permission as you have 🙂
Thank you Danette. Coming to the place of “giving myself permission” has been life changing!
Thank you for visiting us and combing through conversations with Lisa & I about what’s it’s like to be the middle child. I soak in your wisdom. Love you Julia.
Kelly, it was wonderful having the time to sit and just “talk” and share! You are a treasure to me!
Thanks for sharing your journey!
Thank you brother!
Well said Julia! I so identified with all you said – I just think I am about a year or two ahead of you………but then I had lost the love of my life before you did. 2010!
You have weathered through this season of our lives much, much wiser than I did!
I have so appreciated your post! Thank you for being so brave to open up and share some of your deepest memories and emotions that are so hard to put into words……
But somehow, God has blessed you with the ability to reach beyond your pain and put into words what is so helpful to other going through the same things.
I have seen through your eyes places I have made mistakes, places where I DID allow God to heal hurts, and places where “I so WISH I had not given into the hurt and emptiness!”
Just know Julia, that you are a blessing and your posts are being used to heal and restore! Thank you!
Claudia
O Claudia, thank you so much for your thoughts and encouragement! I’m so thankful the blogs are helping you, as they also are helping ME!