I’m now in my 4th summer, this being the best of the four without Loren. There’s less sadness. Less debilitating loneliness. Yet thankfully I have constant reminders of “he and I” and our life together as I’m outside working on projects that cannot be put off one more season.
But, this summer I’m having a summer fling. That is, with my TV. For the first time ever-in-my-life, I’m recording and watching a re-run series, for the most part, from start to finish. You could say I’ve felt compelled and curious to watch it. With new eyes. I’ve chosen to listen to my instincts even wondering if this could be an odd way of moving me forward. Again. 
Maybe to put more light onto the situation. Again.
I’m pretty proud that I can even watch the show after the distress of Loren’s passing and my desperate attempt to revive him! After watching a good 60 hours of the show ER, there’s only been 1x where I had to fast forward because I instinctively knew that particular scene would throw me back in time.
I’m pretty pleased that I’M FINALLY ABLE TO:
- Again watch CPR being performed on people. Successfully and unsuccessfully (unsuccessfully: when people can’t be revived).
- Hear ambulances and observe EMT’s (without me feeling a triggered emotional and sickened physical response).
- Watch the families as they are in turmoil as their loved one(s) demise is unknown.
- Observe the efforts and concerns of the EMT’s, physicians and (sometimes) coroners.
- Watch adults die (watching young children succumb creates a deep conflict in me).
Of course, I understand I am watching fiction!!! But in some ways there are close comparisons to what actually happened that morning….. however, fictional TV in NO way displays the lasting anguish and “forever adjustments”….
So, yes, other than working summer school and trying to catch up with multiple projects and enjoy time with a few girlfriends here and there, my life and “all of its excitement” revolves around a 2018 summer fling with my TV.
Is that pathetic or maybe very wise?
You can do it!!!
Thx Judy. Yes I am!
Julia, so proud of you for these steps forward in a safe way, to handle your grief response to medical emergencies similar to Loren’s death. You are amazing my friend!
Thanks Donna. But wouldn’t you know, a day after I posted the blog there was an ER episode with Dr Green passing from cancer…I watched it…and it put me into a tailspin for about 10 hours….just when I thought I was becoming comfortable with a TV show full of sorrow. Ah, how the wave sneaks up and slams you down. But, today I’m back to watching more ER episodes and doing fine!
It seems this is a part of a healthy new normal for you.
yes, it seems it is….and oddly enough a person just doesn’t know what may need to be done to work through the grief.
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