I’ve never lived my life in complete chaos as far as spiritual upkeep and running a household goes. As a widow, keeping four spheres spinning to manage my home, my property, work at my job, and run my music studio, I’ve done well enough.
BUT, yesterday I had an epiphany!!
I had not given myself permission to add a higher level of order because the three – year anniversary had not yet arrived!
Two Thanksgivings before Loren’s unexpected passing, our family had sat around the table. Because months prior our brother-in-law Max had passed, Loren had said to the children and I, “Whenever I die, I want you to keep thus and thus and thus and thus for three years. If at that point you realize those items no longer hold sentimental value, go ahead and get rid of them.” Our adult son immediately freaked out when he heard those words. He said, “Dad, are you sick? Is there something you’re not telling me?” Loren had said, “No, son. I just very much regret that years back I got rid of an item that my dad had given me when I was a teenager and I now can never get it back.”
Needless-to-say, that casual Thanksgiving Day conversation has been playing in my mind since the day Loren suddenly passed. I have purposefully remembered his wishes and I most certainly have WANTED to honor his wishes!
But THIS spring…THIS summer…there is an innate need to grant myself more permission:
- To use more logic than emotion.
- To continue analyzing what works for ME (not just how it worked for WE).
- To consider selling or gifting specific things.
- To continue making the home as a place I now need it to be (ie. If I want a “foo-foo” bedspread in each bedroom it’s A-OK).
- To re-organize his shop so I can find things when I need to find them (ie. his idea of where things should go was not the place I would’ve been inclined to put them).
I must admit I feel a sense of freedom to write this, while at the same time, this topic surfaces much deep pain. It has felt safe, and wonderful, and ever-so-happy (if that’s possible in grief) to keep things as they were…………….”He & I in our own little world….”
I now see, I have been tip toeing through my new normal. Gingerly making decisions. Second guessing some of my moves.
But it’s time:
- To again, with heightened perspective, take the bull by the horns (whatever that means…).
- To look at my three-years-out life in the face.
- To be bold enough to ask new questions. See new angles. See new slants and bird’s-eye-views.
- TO, maybe, TRUST GOD ENOUGH TO WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE HE’S IN CONTROL…..
“So, Lord, give me the bravery to follow through with fresh ideas and no longer have a layer of fear.”
P.S. I’ve just now re-read this blog. Taking the bull by the horns feels frightening. Believing God in a far greater capacity seems daunting. Raisin’ my hand. Prayer, please!
Unlike a bull by the horns, God won’t toss you to and fro like a spineless rag doll. Instead He tenderly leads as we surrender to Him and His will for our lives. He will always give us the grace, mercy and strength to see each day through and to navigate life’s circumstances. Walk in His light. Bask in His goodness He has got you. Trust Him with whatever you have to give. He will do the rest. ❤
Thank you sis!
So, so true ! 3 years out, having moved from TX to NE, not much family, seeking my new normal! I need to take the bull by the horns and “accept that new normal”. God grant me the faith and courage! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you Susan! God grant us all faith and courage. It’s been very hard to get to this point. Julia
I always appreciate reading your perspective on loss and widowhood. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. You give me courage!
Thank you Mary! Julia
You have a lovely gift with words to define the changes widowhood brings! Love your insights!
Eileen. Thank you, friend.
Julia, I always appreciate what you have to say. You are wise beyond your years. Loren would be proud of you! Continued prayers for you and your family! Hugs, Blessings and Love ❤❤❤
Karen, …”wise beyond my years”…wow, sad, but true… And, thank you! I do believe Loren would be proud of me! Whenever you get out my way let’s grab a bite together! Love you much and SO love that you still pray for me. Julia
Hello Julia,
You have an incredibly well written blog. I was able to identify with so much of what you had written that it felt possible that I could have penned it myself. But then I examine how poorly I’ve done in facing the heartache and pain that have entered my life. It is then quite clear that I’ve not done anywhere near as well as you have when I faced the unbearable heartaches and loneliness that accompanied my loss.
Thank you so much for sharing your struggles and victories with us. You’ve reminded me that God is able to provide the inner healing that’s essential for us to overcome the sorrow and anguish in the world today.
– Thank You Jesus!
Rich, It’s a long journey. One that requires us to “stay on our toes” if it’s our desire to serve Jesus to the fullest, even with our heartache and loss. Thank you for sharing. Julia
Julia, though the new normal is frightening I’m praying the Lord floods you with peace, wholehearted trust and good anticipation for the future. I’m reminded of that old Twila Paris song, God is in Control, now I’ve got to go look it up on YouTube. Love to you my friend.
Thank you friend! For years GOD IS IN CONTROL has been a theme song of mine however I must confess for a season of two years my grief filled heart and mind no longer “saw it”. But because I knew the song to be scripturally true I knew my heart and mind would eventually trust the truth again. It has and it does! Love to you. Julia