RESOLUTIONS:  I can’t even BEGIN to think of making a list of resolutions for 2018 yet I know it’s time I take another step towards continued healing.  The following reflections are current candid evidence of my honest attempt towards creating future New Year Resolutions.

The 4 MOST DIFFICULT THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED  are:

• No longer having my husband to lie with.

• No longer having someone who thinks I am the best thing that has ever happened to him.

• Attempting to learn  how to be exceedingly happy by myself…that is, without having your other half to amplify the joys.

• Discovering how maintaining friendships with multiple friends takes close-to or equal-the-amount-of-time-and-effort it did to maintain a tight close-knit relationship with my spouse/lover……with those friendships not providing the deepest satisfaction that a person finds with their life mate.

The 4 GREATEST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING MARRIED are:

• Other than the maintenance and care on the home front and reporting to work,  I can set the course of my other activities.

• Other than the financial adjustment living  without Loren’s income ALONG with the moral and Biblical guidelines I choose to live by, I can darn well do what I want to do…..(this is VERY unsettling for a gal who had never lived on her own before!)

• There’s no one to “argue” ~ “discuss life” with,  that is, unless I’m stupid enough to carry on mental discussions within myself over situations I can’t control…..

• I have the liberty to dress however I want to  dress, even though I know I’d look tons better if I’d pull myself out of the widow-funk and be more stylish and wear some make-up….

The 4 MOST DANGEROUS POSSIBILITIES WHILE BEING SINGLE are:

• I could easily become self-centered…forgetting how I once stayed engaged and focused in an alive flourishing relationship.

•  I could easily become my co-worker’s nightmare if I don’t maintain other friendships away from the workplace…all because I’d be expecting my co-worker’s to become a “work spouse” when in reality my position at work only requires me to fulfill specific duties.

• I could easily become self-absorbed, even feeling anxious or angered when recognizing other people still have their chosen private life, shared with the person they love.

• At a weak moment I could easily make foolish decisions in the people I associate with ~  ALL because of loneliness and the desire for routine, consistent companionship.

I don’t believe I’ve “crossed in to the danger zone”…but I have faced a few shocking moments where I recognized I had the propensity, even the momentary POWER, to change in to another person…all because of the unwanted devastating loss of Loren.

But, to wander from the  guidance and wisdom in the Bible does not seem desirable for a multitude of reasons…..

And I now wonder if people living in good marriages even  BEGIN to understand the dilemma single people live with.  I certainly hadn’t seen the entire picture.  I surely wish I didn’t have to see this picture nor LIVE in this picture  as I do now.

So, my ONE NEW 2018  New Years Resolution is to continue being candid and honest with myself.  But while in my pursuit for greater peace and the desire to find where I fit,  I so wish I didn’t have to live with the cyclic pain and sadness that this deep loss still brings.