In my brother Dennis Gingerich’s latest blog https://www.dennisgingerich.com/one-sure-thing-you-can-count-on/?fbclid=IwAR1pazGIGnzslyWLwkdZo0GJIpOGzJ0jZCFxBltpEzPOBHYLDCvTPkhRJZk he discusses the topic of CHANGE. It’s fascinating that I had already been reminiscing of the slow gradual changes I’ve made since Loren passed.
Frankly, in the first 2 years I wanted to freeze time. It was comforting that Loren’s scent remained on his robe and a few not-yet-washed shirts. I hadn’t yet parted with his clothes or shoes. Other than reorganizing the closet and his drawers in the bathroom, everything remained precisely the same.
After spending two winters heating the entire house’s water-in-the-floor-radiant heat with an outdoor Wood-fired Furnace (using approximately 6 cords of wood per winter), I knew I’d need to make a change. The labor was too intensive and walking 30 feet from the house before midnight, no longer having a mate to share the duties, was too much. By this time I had also decided I would stay at the ranch. For the sake of taking care of myself physically, I switched to a Propane Heat source using the same radiant heat system.
Before the 3rd Christmas without Loren I had removed all of his WinCo, casual, dress, and work shirts from the closet. I pursued a project that would be meaningful. I had 5 queen size quilts and 6 smaller quilts made for each of my 4 children, myself and the 6 grandchildren. Out of Loren’s wool sweaters I also had beautiful pillows made, even using his logging suspenders on the pillows. Many tears were shed while opening their gifts. I imagine those quilts will be the most tender Christmas gifts my family will ever have received from me, in my lifetime.
At the 4 year mark I knew I had to take care of my investment, meaning it was time to re-stain and re-paint the buildings at the ranch. Instead of Loren lifting me 10-20 feet up in the air while he carefully sat on the large forklift holding me in place (while I stood on a pallet and painted/stained the highest parts of the buildings), I knew my limitations and hired a skilled man to hand stain the 3 buildings. Just because I was a widow did not excuse me from being a good steward of what God had allowed Loren and I to build.
I must admit there is a level of trepidation in me. I have watched enough HOARDER TV shows… observing how people who have lost someone dear are the ones who re-visit their deep pain as they watch things leaving a building.
The comfort I cling to, after deciding what will stay, my kids will have first chance to take what they want…..and what they don’t want will either be passed on to specific best friends of Loren’s or be hauled off to recycling that day….now, the next thing to part with will be Loren’s tired commuter car that I’ve been driving….but, I’M. NOT. QUITE. READY. YET.
Julia, I so relate. My Ron passed away 2/5/19; nearly 17 months ago. Everything is still in his closet and drawers. I took a few boxes of clothes to Union Gospel Mission; things from younger, working years before his disability and decline set in. But, his bedroom is the way he left it. Then, there’s his shop! OMGoodness! I can’t hardly bear to go into “his side”! Some day I’ll have to but not today, not now. A part of me wants to move on. But, truly, since I can’t turn back time, can it just slow down a little? Married almost 53 years, in the same house we built and raised our family and I’m stuck in time. My capable, gifted, talented contractor-husband built everything: Our home, fences, landscaping, all the concrete work, the addition, deck, shop & apartment…every inch of it! But, there’s something about his tools, his hammer, his saws, his….. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to “deal with it”.
Yes, Julia you and I are in similar boats. Mine is the “Ronnie C”. Your “Loren W” is a little bit older but overcoming the waves and navigating through the rough waters. You are leading the way, setting the example of strength and “righting” your boat load of responsibilities in this ocean of grief. Thank you for sharing your trials and your love.
I know we will see our guys again. In the meantime, I claim Jeremiah 29:11.❤️
Wallie, thank you for sharing. Sounds like we had two men who could pretty much do anything. I equally live in a house that Loren built. I appreciated it before he passed and I now cherish it. I have Jeremiah 29:11 hanging on the wall in my music studio….words that I cling to. Much love, Julia
Hi, Julia. Thank you, for replying. We sure have a lot in common. Maybe someday we can meet for coffee. 🤗
I can so relate.
Im proud of you!
Judy…thank you..it means so much. I still want to sit down with you and learn more. Julia
We need to meet in the middle for coffee/ lunch or something?
Hi Judy, I’d love to. August will be a better month for me. July is a busy month on the property, having that window of time between too rainy and hot.
Yes a better time for me too!
Thank you for your input, Judy.
I am pretty much following in your footsteps, Julia. I reorganized Jerry’s shirts and clothes, but have only given away a very few things, boots, work jeans. Most don’t fit my kids. The boys all have shirts that I cut down to fit them, turned some into aprons for the girls. Pillows for the little boys. Most are still hanging or in drawers. We never changed his work bench, we just work around it as needed. His horses…Some day, when the time is right. Thank you for sharing your journey. It comforts me. I’m sure it comforts others as well. Loves…
Teresa, I frequently think of you, knowing you are now walking the same long sometimes-very-painful road I’ve been on. Much love to you, my friend. Julia
So glad you wrote and share your journey with others! God bless you.
Thank you, my friend. I still want to grab that meal with you soon. Text me. Julia
Julia,
Did not realize both of your elbows were fractured in May. Are they healing okay? As for your hair style and color… You will know when it is time to change when it is time. Sometimes, a change can be healing. In the meantime, keeping a style and color that is flattering is so-o okay.
I can relate to your comment about going through Loren’s things. It’s been a process for me to go through Bob’s things. It’s been a slower process, even at 5 1/2 years since Bob’s death, than I’d like to admit. Found another box of his clothes, earlier this year, when I was working on organizing and cleaning the Office some more. Boy, was that a process! Have been joining in on some zoom sessions and frankly did not want to be embarrassed with the mess in the background. At first, tried covering the boxes, etc. up with a blanket and vinyl table cloths. The office looks s-o-o much better now.
Sure miss getting together with the ladies that we got close to from GriefShare. This COVID-19 sure has made things much more challenging for safe, healthy gatherings with friends and family. My 70th birthday celebration on April 21st ended up being a zoom meeting with my oldest son, family, etc. We ate our meal together, but, at separate locations. They sang happy birthday to me as I lit the two “7” “0” candles on my little birthday cake. The only people that I actually saw in-person was when I picked up my take-out birthday dinner. It was at least a way to celebrate, even though different than what originally pictured. Was fighting feeling “sorry” for myself. God helped me to get through it. So thankful for technology being available as a way to connect.
Karen, I’m still sorting through things of Loren’s. I think it’ll be a never ending project. Happy belated Birthday, Karen. I certainly miss seeing you and our other GriefShare besties. Much love to you! Julia
Karen, Most of my piano and voice lessons are now given as Virtual Lessons. Unbelievable how we’ve had to readjust our lives.