As I’m fast approaching the 5 Year Anniversary of Loren’s passing, that half decade mark, varying recollections have been free floating through my mind and heart. I must admit there are some regrets, hard lessons learned, and many accomplishments that come to mind.  

Looking out the back view and side mirrors does wonders.  Hindsight is quite wonderful (here’s my disclaimer) but the few regrets I do have MAY not be 100% applicable to all Widows. In my case, I present my eight “I Wish I Would Have Known’s”:  

• I would have gotten rid of his piddly (non-personal) things earlier (surprisingly enough, time has not made it any easier to start sorting through his shop. I’m still confused about what stays or goes and I find I do not trust the varied opinions)
• I would have never paid off a Mortgage within the first two years
• I would have never paid off bills of 4% interest rate or lower in the first two years
• I discovered a person cannot project some of the large unexpected financial expenses that will come your way (the saga started within 3 months of his passing. I now look back and shake my head at the odds)
• I discovered it took a full 2 years to experience the full impact of what it cost me to replace the many things that Loren could do (Labor:  vehicles, equipment repairs, maintenance on property)
• I learned you’ll need cash monies for hiring Professionals to do the things your husband did (they don’t give discounted rates to Widows)
• I discovered it took 24 months of the “trickle – down effect” to learn that I could not recreate “the earning power” that Loren had
• I learned most Widows do not have “the borrowing power” either, by themselves (one example, when my well went dry and it cost me a total of $35k to put in a one mile waterline to successfully be hooked up to Community Water, running to the Bank for a loan was not an option because I had lost my “re-paying power” without his income)

ON A POSITIVE NOTE, THE AREAS WHERE I AM OF PROUD OF MYSELF ARE:

• I immediately wrote down a “Losing-My-Husbands-Income-Budget” for my monthly expenses
• I immediately took over the Finances and did not ruin my credit score. Ha.
• I continued working two jobs even though brain fog and my body screamed NO!
• I managed two properties, their upkeep and mandatory improvements, and a Business
• I allowed myself to feel the intense deep pain of losing my husband
• I found it helped to Journal
• I kept going to Church (church was the most painful place of all…I would’ve rather stayed home)
• I went to Grief Share and learned valuable tools for coping with grief (and made new friendships also)
• I went to private Grief Counseling with a Life Coach/Marriage Counselor
• I did not gain one pound or lose one pound of weight the first year (per Drs orders)
• I did not develop horrific habits (other than keeping the TV on non-stop and eating something chocolate every day)
• I maintained relationships with Loren’s siblings and family
• I learned to navigate the new art of maintaining friendships
• Relationships with my four adult children, grandchildren and extended family became a priority  
• I became self-confident, discovering a man is not a must-have
• I learned to like being with me, myself, and I

My most recent challenge is dealing with the immediate response that wants to arise in me when I hear, “Julia, just let God be your husband”…to me, that is a loaded concept….let’s just say, “That’ll be another topic for another blog”. Ha.