About a week ago I suddenly realized I no longer live under the chronic fear that has accompanied my experience with grief. In a far earlier Juliawasson.com blog I had touched on this topic, then quoting C.S. Lewis, “GRIEF FEELS LIKE FEAR”. His experiential statement had initially surprised me yet I could identify with his declaration….it was evident that fear certainly was sandwiched between the multi-layers of upheaval in my life.
As I reflect, I can now categorize key fears and their movement in yearly increments:
1st YEAR:
Fear of living without my love, my spouse of 37 years
Fear of making big sole decisions (business and personal)
Fear to trust myself (not having my partner, someone to talk things out with)
Fear of the dramatic exhaustion, extreme brain fog and overall malady
2nd YEAR:
Fear that I may be forced to change my life
Fear because of acute recognition of losing 70% of income
Fear because sorrow had bombarded me in heightened force (the shock had worn off, also finding that the 2nd’s were equally as hard as the 1st’s)
Fear, while wondering if my body could hold up to the physical rigors brought on by mourning
Still, not trusting myself in sole decision making but slowly feeling better
3rd YEAR:
Choosing to continue living at the same place, clearly understanding the cost of doing so
Still experiencing great emotional loss from losing my best friend but starting to trust myself
Having enough widow-under-my-belt-experience to know “I can do this”
Fewer fears
4th YEAR:
Starting to enjoy the challenges of sole business decision-making
NEW fear of wondering if available finances can carry me another 20 plus years
A sense of freedom and tranquility more-often-than-not
Energy level returning
A heightened emotional and physical awareness when any “first level apprehension” surfaces (me never wanting to return to the paralysis that intense grief brought)
Purposing to re-train my emotional and physical responses BEFORE fear sets in
I believe I will always grieve the loss of losing Loren but I’ve decided I can no longer live with THE FEAR that CAME with the GRIEF.
Please go to the attached link and listen to my anthem, a song by Lauren Daigle, “PEACE BE STILL”.
Beautiful Julia! You are strong and so insightful. Continue as you are helping so many people.
Thank you for you encouragement, Tammie.