Technically, we didn’t even celebrate his Birthday-in-Heaven this year, compared to last years restaurant hopping with the fam by going to two Shari’s Restaurants (Salem and McMinnville, both) within the same day to eat his favorite Marionberry pie.  We didn’t celebrate his Birthday this year, as we did for two Birthdays, by eating his favorite chocolate cake with chocolate icing. One year  I had been in the hospital for 14 days, and it was on Loren’s Birthday that my brother, Dennis, and his wife, Linda, helped me leave the hospital…and drove me to my parents house so I could recover there with extended out-of-state family.  This year, we certainly spoke of Loren’s Birthday and remembered him and, somehow , THAT seemed to be enough.

You could say, “One more light bulb was turned on”…. at least in my heart.

INSIDE OF MYSELF,  somehow,  I DIDN’T:

• Need to PROVE that I miss him
• Need to DO something to demonstrate my love for him (I did that for years, he was an acts-of-service-kind-of-guy)
• Need to STICK TO my pre-made plans (I’m starting to feel like I need less control of my circumstances)

The day before his Birthday,  I did not go to town for the Holiday festivities, as planned.  As soon as my eyes opened in the morning, I instinctively knew I’d feel too lonely so I chose to not set myself up  for pain.  Instead, I left the town that I love and drove 60 miles to another family gathering at my cousin’s farm. It was THERE  that I found lots of laughter and great connection with my Kropf cousins, aunt and uncle, siblings, mom and newly-made-friends… and when I arrived home by 11 pm I felt complete and satisfied.

This year I was motivated to (again) continue the tradition of inviting the Gingerich clan out to the ranch to roast hotdogs and marshmallows over an open fire, ride quads on the upper back trails, and shoot ‘em up for hours until dark… (the 1^st two years after he passed the kids and I just couldn’t make ourselves follow through with the week-of-his-Birthday-tradition that Loren had started….it’s like we needed the ranch to remain as “our place”…. because he unexpectedly passed away there, our emotional bands were tight and protective….we had shared a life changing crisis there at the ranch, together).

You could say, “Yet another light bulb was turned on”.  This year I discovered how a deeper contentment occurred because I was sharing the ranch.  Interestingly enough, Brenna had asked me, “Did you feel anxious about having all of these people out today?” I gave a quick answer, “No…this felt natural and right”.

This year, it was on Loren’s BIRTHDAY that I admitted:

• There are some traditions I will want to continue in his absence
• There are more traditions I may never do again
• Maybe, just maybe, I’ll become comfortable with new things.
• Maybe, just maybe, I’ll become brave and take a long  road trip by myself (for me, that’ll be a sign that I’ve conquered life).

All I can say is, “Julia, you’ve come a long way, baby”.