Today at 4 years and 1 1/2 months out, I alarmingly realized I am living in 3 worlds and haven’t yet accomplished living in “one” world. Will I ever? Am I even supposed to?
The “3 Worlds” that I find myself floating between, beside, under, above or IN are:
- “THE PAST” that I lived with Loren.
- “THE PRESENT” which I didn’t choose or hope for.
- “THE FUTURE” with one foot (my heart) in Heaven and still “THE FUTURE”… continuing on as I am…as a widow. Other than enjoying the consistency of my job for the Willamina School District and teaching my private piano and private voice students, I often feel I. DON’T. FIT. IN.
1. As a single person I struggle to fit in at church. Who does a person sit with? Does every other single person hate arriving and leaving by themselves? Does every other single person hate the unknown plans after leaving church, whether they will be eating by themselves or with family or friends? And then, am I the only person who can HARDLY WAIT to get home after that? …to that place that feels most comfortable, where I can control my “internal peace meter”.
2. Because of extenuating circumstances I no longer have the privilege of serving on a worship team…the one place, since I was in my teens, where I flourished and felt revived. I no longer have that one free night a week to drive and dedicate those hours of rehearsal. And now, these few years of crying uncountable tears has basically thrashed the once-controlled-voice.
3. Even though all of my adult children (and spouses) are simply wonderful to me, sometimes I still feel like I. DO. NOT. FIT. IN. It’s a quandry where I often feel torn:
- Feeling disgusted at myself that I even notice how I feel, telling myself that I should be highly grateful to see my children being happy, that they are even wanting to spend time with me.
- Feeling grateful that somehow Loren’s death has meaningfully strengthened familial relationships and our adoration toward each other.
- Feeling deliberate to put that smile on my face and do my best to join in the current festivity because I am all too aware I will be returning to my silent abode.
- Feeling happy to be with my family yet sometimes feeling dreadfully alone with them.
Can I just become Superman and unwind my life back to 4 years and 1 1/2 months ago?… but that doesn’t seem quite right to be selfish…to go back in time, assuming I had the power to change the course of events…to do that would mean my incredible grandson Lincoln would never have been born….that my two glorious son-in-laws may not be part of our family….which would mean 3 of my 4 children may not be where THEY are at today (with the “happiness meter”, I mean).
I now see, this blog has been very therapeutic. Yes, for the ultimate good of everyone I believe I must target more contentment….that is, choosing to somehow thrive in the world I am now placed in, even if I never feel like I’m living in “one world”.
Julia, I wish I could put my feelings into words as you have.
You have, actually written very close t9 how I feel a lot of the time.
Only widows can know what we are feeling. I wish you lived a little closer as far as Church is concerned. We could be together.
You have something that I do not have and that is children and grandchildren!
Thank you Julia,
Joyce Smith
Joyce, yes…only widows know what we are feeling. Yes! it would be so awesome to have a buddy to sit with! and yes, I shall continue to be forever grateful that I have children and grandchildren who live 45 minutes to 1 1/2 hour away…in other words, it is attainable to be in contact with them. Let’s get together soon! Julia
As one who has had my own front row seat in the theater of grief on numerous occasions – I appreciate your insight and thoughtful words.
Sharing your vulnerability – has given me a clearer understanding of the nuances of the grief process – making me a better friend and support to those in sorrow.
A heartfelt thank you, my sister, my friend.
Thank you, sister, my friend.
You amaze me with your ability to express your grieving journey. It must be as unique as each individual is unique. You are helping give words to those who can’t express the pain. Love you!!
Thanks Linda…and yes, I’m sure every grief journey is as unique as the individual. As much as the separation and loss hurts, I am willing to be a voice to speak. Love you, sis.
Thank you once again Julia. Just a few hours ago while driving home from work I said out loud, I talk to myself way more than I use to, I am so lonely and just do not fit anywhere. I thought stop being crazy and snap out of it. I am two years and nine months out, when will feel normal. You have such a gift of putting some kind of sense to these feelings. I am not crazy I just miss my life partner, love and what was our plan. Still know God knows my story from beginning to the end and I trust in that everyday. ❤️
Connie from Windsor
Connie, wow. how dare I say “I’m GLAD there is someone else who gets this”….as far as feeling like you don’t know where you fit in life. I’m also laughing as I read how you talk to yourself out loud…I’ve done that too! We are NOT crazy but have just been thrown into a whole paradigm shift. Thanks for reminding me that God knows our story from beginning to the end. I needed to be reminded of that again. Julia
Thanks for sharing your heart – it helps me to better understand the journey of a widow! – Love you lots!
Thank you dear brother. Love you.