FOUR YEARS

After I saw my dad I vividly remember the words that spilled out of my mouth through tears:  “Who is going to walk me down the aisle when I get married?”“  I wasn’t engaged.  I didn’t have a boyfriend.  I hadn’t even MET my future husband!  But I knew that the most important man in my life for the past 24 years was going to miss one of the most important days of my life.  He was going to miss one of the most significant roles a father can play for his daughters.

In a sense, I think I dreaded my future wedding day since the day he died.   He was supposed to be there.  He was supposed to  hold my hand as he walked me down the aisle.  He was supposed to give me away.  He was supposed to cry while doing it all – and for those of you who knew him, you know that those tears would have been running down his face.  He was supposed to dance with me to Tony Bennett singing, “The Way You Look Tonight”. He was supposed  to give me one of his enveloping hugs as I was whisked away with my new husband.  He was supposed to…. but death took that all away from me….it took it away from BOTH of us.

Nine and a half months ago that “dreaded” wedding day came.  Although his physical body wasn’t present, I knew my dad was there.  I felt him.

He was there in the front row where the quilt made out of his shirts sat, saving his seat.  He was there in the boutonniere pinned on that quilt where his Winco shirt read, “Loren”, right next to our picture.  He was there in his handwriting on my tattoo.  He was there in my mom as she walked me down the aisle and gave me away with the words, “Her father and I”.  He was there during the ceremony as I told Eugene how much my dad would have loved him for loving me so well.  He was there.  I know it….and I believe everyone who was at my wedding, who knew my dad, knows it as well.

I think someday, when I am reunited with my dad in heaven, we will talk about my wedding.  We will talk about how much we BOTH loved that day!

He may no longer be here in the flesh but I believe he is not missing out on everything.  He is still with us.

That doesn’t mean we don’t grieve.  OH, how we continue to grieve!  I miss my dad.  I never knew I could miss someone so much.  My heart aches to see him again, to talk with him again, to hug him again.  I long for my husband to know my dad and for my dad to know my husband.  I long the same for our future babies.

My nephew, Lincoln, was born 3 ½ months after my dad died.  But he knows his “Papa Loren”.  He talks about him often.  He points him out in pictures.  He prays for him.  He asks to visit him.  He loves his Papa and he knows that he is loved by him.

I am sad that my future babies won’t be held by their “Papa Loren”.  But I don’t have to dread their births as I dreaded my wedding day.  They may not experience his love in person, but they will know his love just as my nephew Lincoln does. I am confident of this because as history has shown,  although my dad is no longer with us on this earth, he is still here!

                                                                                                                         FOUR YEARS AND COUNTING.