My married friends (couples Loren and I were friends with) have impacted my life since Loren’s passing. The majority have been with me through thick and thin.  It’s true, periodically  I feel like I am the odd man out.  It’s possible I’ll always feel that.

Last Saturday one of Loren’s best friends  teared up when he randomly mentioned, “Now TWO of my best friends have up and died on me.”  It touched my heart deeply to see how Dan still misses Loren.

I gratefully recognize I have not found a level of betrayal some widows feel  they experience, that is, where “couple friends”, and sometimes the deceased spouse’s own family,  no longer associate with the living spouse who is left behind after a death.

BUT IN ALL HONESTY, I DID initially notice a layer of hesitancy..withdrawal..especially from two of the wives.   I believe it was because I GRIEVED SO HARD for the first three years.  In retrospect I WONDER:

1.     DID THE FRIENDS FEEL HELPLESS?

• Did they feel uncomfortable when I suddenly broke down and sobbed?
• Did I seem like a stranger?
• Were the dynamics of the relationship suddenly changed?
• Did they understand I didn’t know what would help me? Were they frustrated because they couldn’t fix it?
• Did they sense I was uncomfortable in all social settings? (however, I DID love visiting with a husband/wife when they came to visit me in my home).

2. DID THE FRIENDS BECOME FEARFUL OF LOSING THEIR OWN SPOUSE?

• Did being around me force them to acknowledge what they may go through?
• Did it force them to look at the other part of their marriage vows, “Til death do us part”?
• Did my heavy grief cause them to feel overwhelmed?

3.   WERE “BIG UNCOMFORTABLE” QUESTIONS SURFACING BECAUSE A MARRIED PEER  PASSED BEFORE THEY WERE “OLD”? 

(Some of the questions might be):

• Should I be the one to die first, would my spouse, children, and grandchildren stop missing me and no longer talk about me?
• Would they deeply mourn my death?
• Would they get rid of my things and make “me disappear” to hopefully ease their pain?
• Would my spouse remarry and how soon?
• Would my parents, brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews tell stories about me and not be afraid to mention my name at family gatherings? Even years later?
• Would people do something meaningful on a given day of each year to remember me and honor me, how I had lived and dwelt with them?

I DO know I’ve been blessed to have positive reinforcement from my tribe!  I’ve been told:

• “I’ve been comforted seeing how deeply you have continued to love Loren”.
• “I’m pleased you haven’t tried to find someone else to fill the dark void”.
• “Loren would be so proud how you’ve handled things”.
• “Loren would be so proud of the good decisions you’ve made in business matters”.
• “Even though we miss him we haven’t lost you”.
• “You know, he still loves you.”

☹ …choke…sob….NOW the tears are surprisingly flowing….gkg..uhmmmmm….. but, I surely must say, “God, THANK YOU 😊 for my faithful friends who have not been afraid to remain in my life”.