At what point does an adult woman listen to her adult children when the adult children have varying opinions? After Loren died, I updated my Will. I used our Lawyer again….again choosing to write a Will vs setting up a Trust. I ultimately was thinking of my child who is the assigned Executor. The Lawyer had pointed out how some Trusts have the potential to be troublesome after my future passing if any of my four children didn’t agree with my assigned Executor as to the time of when to sell property and the assets.

When I was in my early 20’s….just recently married to Loren who had his own Trucking Company operating out of McMinnville…my dad unexpectedly-to-me-at-least sold the grass seed farm I grew up on. Both of my brothers were called into the Ministry by that time…my dad could not run a large farm by himself. When Del Smith of Evergreen Helicopters came along and offered to buy the farm…my dad sold the place and moved out of the Hopewell area. I undoubtedly was heartbroken when he sold it. I was very attached to the house I had grown up in and loved the many acres that I had rode my horses on. You could say I had a love relationship with the area and the land. I grieved but I knew my boundaries and respected my dads decision.

At this point, I’m gearing up to put the property on the market. It can’t happen yet. Necessary projects must be done in Spring 2025.

I hurt for two of my four children. Two of the four are emotionally tied to the property and home that Loren and I have pioneered. The other two care about the property but have not had the emotional struggle about the proposed change. I would like nothing more than those two or all four of the kids buy the property and I move on to a smaller home elsewhere. I’m sure you all can think of many options for me to downsize…the land be kept..and the four kids keep it in the family. Many of those options have been discussed amongst us but at this point it’s still looking like I will sell the property to the public and leave.

This is yet one more time that I dislike being the person who has to make the big decision. Someone has to ….it falls on me while I am alive.

Boy, I feel sorry for the Principals, Superintendents, CEO’s, Head Pastors, Owners of Businesses who have multiple employees. I only feel sorry because the weight of decision-making often falls on them unless they have a Board of Directors to give extra guidance.

I guess you could say my Tax Accountant, CPA of multiple years is on my Board of Directors. The other key people have passed away.

This morning I visited my brother’s church NEW HORIZONS in McMinnville, Oregon. The founding Pastor, my brother, Galen Gingerich, challenged me.

1. God wants to awaken us to the things that may be holding us back
2. At some point we must move forward and not get stuck
3. Expect that in your life there will be greater liberation after moving forward

The timing of the sermon was beautiful.

I can attest that I did become stuck after the desperate grief ended. Making a forward move did not become natural…especially without my life partner. For 37 years I was used to making forward movements with another person…not by my self.

After my newest blog, “I’m Going To Need To Become Just Like Him”, my other brother, Pastor Dennis Gingerich, from Florida, sent me a confirming text. Quote Dennis, “I have found that a big decision is really just a series of many mini – decisions over a period of time. In other words, it is a process, and you have been doing a great job at the process of navigating this lengthy journey. I’m very confident that God will give you clarity in the details and the timing”.

In my process, TODAY….I feel afraid. I feel hesitant. I feel unsure of the newly-found understanding of why I need to move towards leaving what-was-once our haven.

At this point, there is no excitement or sense of adventure as I look towards a change.

For varying reasons, the pursuit of change revolves around necessity. I guess I should be very thankful that I didn’t have to start this journey 9 years ago… as some widows must instantly do. As I recall the hours spent hours of mowing the lawns and fields or sitting on the decks midst the forest…even overlooking the snow laden trees out my large windows throughout my beautiful home…I’m flushed with the knowledge that I’ve been gifted with 9 years of relishing in rich memory, recall, and history. That is a gift.

Onward. March. Forward he goes. Too young to recognize possible dangers …this brave grandson is not strangled with the fears from sometimes-paralyzing-adult logic.

I’ve always smiled at this picture of my (now) 8 1/2 year old grandson. His vibrant personality shines through still. I’m 56 years older than him and once again I’m reminding myself that I need to be more like him as I’m gearing up to make a huge life change.

I’m making mental and physical steps towards selling and leaving the home and property that Loren and I pioneered, built and enjoyed. This move will be bigger than my selling the business property and closing out a business after his death. This move will mean parting with some personal and farm things. Basically down-sizing, foremostly because I’m feeling my age…plus I don’t want to be so tied down.

Since 2015 I’ve known that this upcoming point in time could be very grievous and painful with Loren having passed away and making a move alone. Until March 2024, when I was in Florida at my brother’s place, I still could not look straight in to the eyes of moving and down-sizing. When flying home to Oregon in early April… I realized the potential of physical freedom that I could feel by not having the property and its duties dictating what I must do.

From the day that Loren passed there’s been his huge void in doing repairs, upkeep, and also his guidance and input in making the big seasonal decisions in management. I thankfully have had my own logic with knowledge and have had people I could hire to assist me….friends of Loren who knew his methods and approach towards decisions.

To review….on my Birthday in late April I made the decision that enough is enough. Even though my four children have always given me their blessing and freedoms to do what I see best, it was in April that I received definite confirmations from two of them that now seems a good time for me to stop:

• stop physically wearing myself out with the huge amounts of upkeep on the buildings and land
• stop tapping in to future retirement monies to maintain the land that, now without Loren selling and custom-milling his milled lumber, no longer brings in consistent annual income.
• stop hoping that I’d be able to one day be able to produce a farm supplemental income ….what he had produced with his skilled milling and knowledge of wood.
• facing the facts that the possibilities of future raising live stock will never again be a desired way of life for me.
• facing the fact that working full-time and trying to keep up with the 12 hours of weekly mowing and spraying required becomes less easy each year.
• facing the truth that my cherished joy of living on the property has drastically decreased in the past few years.
• facing the truth that I went two years without riding the trails in the forested area (that speaks volumes!) Riding the trails only brought frustration…reminding me of the urgent and future projects I needed to hop to.

MAYBE my slowness to look-at-leaving-the-ranch was more than just dreading the heightened layer of grief that I’d face once more. Maybe it was:

• accepting the truth that I no longer have the energy I did 30 years ago or even 3 years ago

I definitely know this farm girl will find it exceedingly hard to no longer live on a property where I can’t see any other property from my house, where I’ve been able to 100% control my surroundings. I’ve loved the privacy.

God help me! I’m going to joyfully need to become just like the picture of my young grandson.

In Earth Years our four adult children, their spouses, and our grandchildren will very soon be gathering to celebrate Loren’s 10th-Year-in-Heaven-Birthday (..his 70th Birthday in Earth Years). This will be the 10th Remembrance-of-Him-on-his-Birthday. At his upcoming party we will (as always) be eating his favorite cake and his favorite ice cream…and I’m sure his favorite foods for the meal. The 10th year of celebrating his Birthday without him carries bittersweet-ness. I’ve learned by now to accept the heart twinges.

To continue the topic of TIME, this abbreviated version of Scripture from the Holy Bible is speaking to me more than ever:

Eccleacstics 3: 1-8 “To everything there is a season. A time to be born. A time to die. A time to plant..etc….kill, heal, break down, build up, weep, laugh, mourn, dance, cast away stones, embrace, refrain from embracing….A time to get, to lose, to keep, to cast away, to rend, to sew, to keep silence, to speak, to love, to hate, a time of war, a time of peace.”

Loren and I were both familiar with this passage. We both grew up hearing and memorizing these Scriptures at church. Back to the TIME of year 2015…. On the one hour drive to the graveyard to bury my uncle, Loren excitedly told me about the TIME he spent discussing TIME with the preacher at the meal after the Funeral. Loren told me he had never clearly seen how God had created EARTHLY TIME specifically for Humans….how Humans NEEDED a measurement of TIME…whereas God doesn’t….God has lived in eternity and had lived in the absence of TIME. It was at Creation where God set TIME into motion…”on the first day God created…on the second day God created…”.

In Earth Years, weeks later my brother Dennis was once again flying to Oregon. This TIME for Loren’s Memorial Service. Dennis spoke about Loren’s “TIME CONVERSATION” with the Pastor at my uncle’s Funeral. This felt like a current evaluation of Loren’s spiritual interest.

9 years later, I STILL REALLY LIKE TIME MEASUREMENTS in Earth Years. The thought of living in Eternity without a gauge:

1. It scatters me emotionally.
   • I use TIME for getting to work on TIME
   • Getting to church on TIME
   • TIME to play piano in the worship set
   • TIME to sit and listen to the Pastor speak
   • TIME to mow the lawn every week
   • TIME to watch my favorite TV shows
   • TIME to take my medications
   • TIME for grand kids to come visit
2. I like TIME MANAGEMENT.
3. Most days I live by my Planner.
4. My Planner helps me feel like I have control in a world where I felt like all order and control was lost for the first few years.
5. Without a spouse to help navigate the world of necessary order of scheduling repairs and maintenance I depend upon Planners.

I know Eternity in Heaven with Jesus has a presented ambiance of peace, joy and relaxation.

Lord, is it OK for me to be transparent and say that I hope there’s far more to Eternity in Heaven than continuous worship and ongoing reunions?

In addition, ongoing “Eternal Rest” is not enticing…at least at this phase in my Earth Years here on Earth. People who are cut from the same cloth will understand this. 🙂

I’ve enjoyed a life of purpose here on earth. I lived in purpose as a single young woman. I lived in purpose as a married woman. I now choose to live a life of purpose as a once-again-single but-definitely-older woman. Who knows, maybe the day will come when the Eternal Rest idea sounds amazing!? Maybe I’ll be thrilled to give up the comforts of TIME?

On the same day, 20 minutes apart from each other, at the same graveyard, one unopened plot in between the two open graves, the contained remains of two of the most important men in my life were lowered into the ground. This happened as our extended family gathered around the opened ground on the sopping wet. Their deaths had occurred at separate times…but the family chose to do the burials at the same time since all of my siblings could be in Oregon at that time.

My two brothers, the sons of my father, officiated the services for dad and Loren.

Just weeks before Loren suddenly passed, my dads brother passed quickly while on his yard tractor. It was at my uncle’s funeral that Loren became fascinated with the topic of TIME. The preacher had, of course, read the expected Ecclesiastes Chapter 3: verses 1 – 8, and 11. It was when the Preacher took off into an expounded sidetrack of TIME that Loren was, dare I say, Spellbound. Loren was so intrigued about the Preachers exhortation on time that he spoke with him during the food and fellowship time after the service. Loren immediately wanted to tell me about his interest on our 1 1/2 hour drive to the graveyard where my uncle’s graveside service would be held.

At 2am early this morning I went to Facebook. One of my daughter had posted videos of the dreary rainy day when my dad and Loren were buried. Listening to my brother Dennis revived my memory and limited understanding of TIME, as presented at two services 5 week apart.

I actually believe that it is the “people” who NEED us grieving people to “move on” and “heal”.

I’ve heard this verbally. I’ve read it in articles online and in books.

Most certainly….I’ve felt it:

• I’ve felt it in judgement from people who simply hadn’t had the close-up death experience yet. They meant well. They just haven’t had it happen. Yet.
• I’ve felt it from people who HAD lived through a close-up death…BUT, them being around another person with fresher loss took them back to a place that they felt they needed to flee from. I get that too. For their self-care alone they needed to back away and really want me to be how I used to be.

Thankfully, my mentor and counselor did not tell me I had to rush through the healing process. In fact, she encouraged me to take my purposeful time…to carefully grieve and grieve well so I could heal well. My children have been wonderful…letting me take my time. Never pressuring me.

Let’s quit trying to “pretty up” things. When someone dies it is DEATH.

I’ve come to believe that it is not just :

*passing away

*going to a better place

*moving on to a better place

Death certainly is not a pretty word. Someone’s body has ceased functioning. It is the permanent ending of vital processes in a cell or tissue. For those of us who were there when someone’s body quit functioning…when we didn’t run…but stayed with the body… we well understand the literal changes that happened when we waited around for 3-4 hours. Our loved one felt different to the touch and looked abit different after awhile too. I found that to be abit frightening at 4 1/2 hours…about the time when the funeral director arrived at my home.

I completely understand……….. in general……… “people” are uncomfortable being near a person who can cry at the drop of a hat, a person who seems withdrawn or distracted, a person who may seem depressed after a death of a close loved one has happened. Or being around the person who suddenly is doing ape-crazy-out-of-character behaviors …it’s majorly unnerving to watch your friend or loved one spiral from their deep pain.

Let’s back up…let’s not forget you’ll need to do a drastic thing….you have a decision…so your loved one’s body will not continue the crass deterioration process. This is the real ugly pain of the newly grieving person’s life. You simply can’t sweep someone’s death under a rug. Heart breaking decisions must be made. And quickly. Let’s have some sheer hard core mercy for all of the millions of us who’ve had to be a part of a sudden unexpected death…where no prior funeral arrangements had been made by the loved one. The decisions had to be made quickly and most likely while under severe physical shock and emotional pressure. Hopefully, most of us had a strong support system of family and faith connections to give us oversight and strength. I do believe that I will see Loren again in Heaven. As a Christian I believe in eternity. I seriously do not know how a person could cope with loss without belief in Heaven and reuniting with loved ones.

If there is one “beautiful thing” that can result from a death….the positive result can be that the surviving family has motive and opportunity to spend more time together…having developed a greater bond. Yes, even from something so very painful for the entire unit. I have experienced that with my four adult children. Loren would love that his death has brought us closer than before. It’s things like this intensified connection that makes me wish he could glance down from above and check in on us.

Sometime I’ll blog about the word TIME. Time is a packed word. I hadn’t looked at the word as I now do. It’s a topic that lots of us on earth don’t even bother to look at.

I’ve known I need to blog more. Some of you have asked me where the new blogs are. One of you actually asked my sister why I wasn’t blogging more. When I sit down to blog I am either distracted by normal cares and responsibilites that a single person has …OR….I feel I don’t have enough time to articulate what I want to say. Things of actual importance. To try to articulate the growth that I’ve made as I walked (still walking out of, actually) through that deep ol’ valley of death.

If you saw me in the grocery store or any public place you’d be assured that I am “completely healed”. By this time….most of you NEED ME to be “healed”. I mean no ill by saying that….I honestly believe it’s a societal expectation that someone somewhere set…with time limitations as to when the grieving process of a very beloved spouse should be over.

In reality, for the most part…I think I’m quite healed…but with some definite battle scars. It’s almost 9 years. I can tell you that I did the work. I felt the pain honestly without severe vices other than chocolate. I still feel pain once in a while. I’ll always love Loren. There’s noone else to replace him. Yet I’ve grown. For survival sake and for my well-being it’s been an absolute necessity to walk through vs choosing to stay inside the whirlwind of deep grief.

• I’ve discovered a normalcy that works for me.
• I still find myself having to periodically review the commitments I’ve made to others…I still find myself over committing. I haven’t quite learned that innate balance of watching out for myself…in that way, as Loren did for me. He’d always catch it before I did. I miss him.
• Yes, I have “dated” a few guys….my definition of dating meaning : meeting someone for lunch or dinner and then realizing that that there was nothing more…just enough to satisfy the curiosity of that person…just hoping to find a buddy…if nothing else.
• Yes, I still live on and manage the farm. Within the last month I’ve had a new nudge to be open to selling it and making a change. I still expect the change to be so very hard, because generations of connection and family are in that family property….ideally one of my children would buy it…at the moment it’s not looking that way.
• But I know, ultimately it’s about what works best for me as it equally does towards my children who have their own lives. I’m tired of being tired and being a slave to the duties that come with property.
• I still work full-time and still teach my piano and voice students in addition to the other job. I’m old enough to retire by now..but I’m not ready to give up my daily contact with kids and coworkers at my job.
• As I am sitting in a room in my brother’s house…3,000 plus miles away from Oregon….a reminder of the clearer picture that keeps unfolding is this:

Everytime I go on a little vacation. Everytime I take a trip….I feel free. It’s like I find another piece of me. It’s a degree of independence that enlarges. Yes, Loren and the memories travel in my heart with me. Memories of him are not confined to the home that we built together. I can live a single life in a new degree of fullness and I very much like it. I’m in a heightened state of discovery right now. I love this Julia.

We can talk about this more at a later time…gotta go.

One of my cousins and I are now quite close.  Even though we actually grew up and still live in different countries our lives ended up running comparatively parallel: when we were married…when we started having children. …how long we were married.  We only saw each other every 5-10 years at a family reunion, family funeral or visiting each other as we were passing through where each other lived.

Within 5 months of each other our worlds crashed.  Mine…my husband dropped dead.  Hers…..her husband walked out from the marriage.

We now stay in touch with each other daily via social media and the periodic phone call. Not only have we cried together (often), shared our hardships (often), discussed our daily lives and our adult children (often)….at 8 years out we finally (quite frequently) laugh and talk about the good moments that we are finding in life as two 60 year old grandmas.  I’m SO grateful I have her for support.

I have one other close long-time friend who provides reciprocol support.   She lives with two painful things:  the early death of her 1st husband and a sudden divorce in the 2nd brief marriage.

All three of us women are solid, fun, productive, creative Christian women who depend upon each other.

For me, hearing and sharing other’s pain through our not-completely-similar losses has frequently left me to ponder…. “Is it better to have lost your husband through death when he still loved you?” …..OR….”Is it better to have lost your husband in divorce when he walked away for another woman?”    

LOSS THROUGH an unwanted DEATH:

• Never seeing them again, never hearing their voice again (unless you are lucky enough to have videos of them)
• Never watching them walk across a room…seeing their stance and those movements and expressions that made them them
• Never seeing their handwriting unless you look at the signatures you might see on your House or Car Loans or Birthday Cards that you’ve saved
• The formal family photo (taken just months before he passed) now starting to look ancient…the two young grandchildren in that past-years photo now being tall teenagers
• My new apprehension-hurdle of considering another professional family photo…which will only accentuate time without him
• Never smelling the skin of my loved one again
• The deceased loved one missing out on the grandchildren’s births, birthday parties, graduations, weddings and Holidays
• Being blessed to continue living in the home we built/shared…constantly aware of his absence yet somehow that home is full of him
• Enjoying the happy and sad life-memories and quoting him often
• Knowing he adored me and was committed to me
• Growing….but truthfully it’s not a “new life”….it’s just adjusting, forming, and expanding around the inner core of losing the man who was the core of my life for a long stretch of time
• My kids and grandkids are missing out on a relationship with him.
• Stupidly thinking I’d be thrilled sky-high to just be able to see him ….even to just watch him from a distance.…even if we weren’t married anymore because of death
• Having the random surprising dreams that leave me broken for the entire following day (that dream of unexpectedly seeing him somewhere….he silently recognizes me…..he intently watches my activities….but he doesn’t come in close for a personal moment with me…there’s always a gap/barrier between us in these dreams)

LOSS THROUGH an Undesired DIVORCE:

• Maybe, “luckily”, if there’s not children involved, that is, the ex runs off and disappears
• Feeling the continuous twisting knife of rejection in your heart
• Maybe running into the ex at a restaurant….being forced to greet him or go hide…both situations being painful
• Your self esteem being slaughtered
• Maybe seeing your ex with their new lover or new spouse
• The pain of your children calling another woman “mommy” or “mom”
• If you share custody of young children, having to work together and successfully parent together ….but separately
• The reoccurring anger brewing and the pain welling up inside while being at joint events of your children….those concerts, graduations, funerals and future weddings
• Not wanting to look at past family photos…he’s in the formal photos
• The meer fact that with having children, even grandchildren, together…. he will always be in your life
• The hidden conflict of being happy he’s still “in your life” while still very much resenting that he tossed aside your vows and commitment
• The dividing of assets ….that’s a whole other topic

Just writing out these two comparables makes my heart drop.  Please note: In all earlier-mentioned- family/friend-three-scenarios… the death and divorces were sudden and unforeseen.

In my viewpoint…both death and divorce holds its deep painful sorrow, inner conflict and ugliness. There is no win. Loss sucks.

Even years later, I’m still finding that Loren’s death has exposed my selfishness and an insecurity that I must work through and grow thru. The now-challenge of not turning in to a self-centered woman is frequent….the constant weighing of my independence without the sound marital relationship-balance….the ongoing growth that is required for me to remain stable and be the example that Christ would want me to be….yet the required element of pride and confidence that is necessary to be a functional single woman in her 60’s…a woman who most likely won’t be starting over.

Thank God for my girlfriends and family who heart-share this journey.  Thank God that He understands my mortality and limited understanding.  Thank God for our Home that awaits us in Heaven.

In past years I sang a wonderful worship song at church…the song continuously brought peace to my heart.  “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? …not tribulation, distress, persecution, famine, nakedness, peril or sword…”

I had nothing to fear because I had the love of Christ.

The word “SEPARATE” took on a whole new meaning when Loren died.  In fact, a few times I…..in deep confidence with two friends….shared how SEARINGLY PAINFUL the separation from him was.   Of course, the entire life altering event was horrific, the loneliness was debilitating, and the ongoing shock knocked me to the ground……… the first 2 years I felt as if a bear had his mouth gripped on one shoulder and a lion on the other side….their teeth crunching into my flesh…. yanking…..stretching the tissue…..breaking bones and pulling shoulder joints out of their sockets.  The weight of the physical pain was cruel. 

It’s real.  I testify that the marriage ceremony is a miracle.  Not only did we pledge our vows before God and man… we became one.  Those of us who were/are able to live the fruits of a marriage that lasted over 20 years… we can especially testify to this…by this time typically each other’s lives melding into one…even while healthily maintaining our individuality.

Because I lost my spouse I had a sudden powerful awareness of the power of the spoken vow. 

Whether the separation be from death or divorce, it makes sense that unrequested separation feels savage.

So this is MY personal revision of Romans 8:35. 

“Who shall separate me from the love of Christ?”

“(1)  Not the loss of my spouse  (2) not the upheaval of my family’s lives because of his death  (3)  not the sometimes not-so-quiet judgements from onlookers as they question a few decisions I’ve had to make  (4)  not the silent anger I initially  felt towards God because He allowed my husband to die without having time to say a goodbye  (5)  not the revolving mild depression a widow cycles through on Anniversary months, Thanksgiving and Christmas (6) not the tearful times of just wishing you could discuss a current situation with your spouse  (7)  not the lonely moments when you go to the Specialist for a diagnosis  (8)  not the very-mild sense of unsafety driving over a distance of 2 hours (9) not the toll of the emotional weight that the newly-single-life can bring  (10) not the random  financial concerns when vehicles and furnaces need repair.” 

“Even though my cares are still very real …..ultimately I have nothing to fear because I have the Love of Christ. ” I still love the song, too.

While watching Episode 27 of the OPB Television Series SANDITON…a lead character Charlotte is asked what she will do now.  By this time, she is starting to appear as a spinster.  Her 1^st fiancé had died tragically.  Her father then later arranged an upcoming marriage to a farmer whom she didn’t deeply love but she felt she must obey her father because this was the tradition in the early 1900’s.  In the final episode of Series 3, Charlotte broke off the engagement.  The farmer was good man but she wasn’t going to settle out of society’s necessity. 

“I shall find a way to live my life on my own terms”, Charlotte had said. 

I immediately pressed pause on the remote and re-played those words multiple times as I wrote them down.  A note had struck in my heart.  How poignantly stated.  What an amazing script. 

As a Christian who claims to serve God, some may immediately determine my relatable quote, “I shall find a way to live my life on my own terms,” to sound un-spiritual …. possibly even rebellious. 

I like to consider myself teachable.  Before Loren died I could’ve easily prayed, “I’ll go anywhere you want me to go, God.  I’ll do anything you want me to do.”  That would’ve been easy.  If God would have “called us to go somewhere” Loren would’ve been with me…plus, he would’ve had to equally felt drawn to make the change. The decision of change would’ve “HAD” to have been right because we both had peace about the decision. 

I believe in honesty.  God can handle it….besides… He knows my heart already.  The point I am attempting to make is this: I no longer quickly throw the words “I’ll go anywhere or do anything” out of my mouth because the truth is this:

After losing my world with him in it:

• Any change I make means doing it alone
• At this time I can’t imagine feeling peace about uprooting my life…..for anything

At the 8 year Anniversary point, I now see:

• Becoming a widow immediately forced me to make a choice, even though I wasn’t completely aware of that fact in the first 3 years.

FOR ME, THE CHOICES WERE:

• Find a man who is similar to my deceased husband…with similar skills and traits…a man who is highly respected amongst his community….a visionary man who can step in and manage our then-business…a man who could be a good companion in the home and in multiple social settings.

• ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ OR~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

• Be forced to become more independent, a woman who learns to think for herself…no longer focusing towards the team-work mindset in a marriage,  but learn to advocate and stand up for herself in the business world and as a property owner,  be willing to be considered “a rough and tough old bird”,  maybe even be called a “ royal B-I-&@* ” ……..(because unfortunately I’ve now experienced how women can become a target for the (thankfully) few-and-far-between men who need to make things hard for any woman without a husband).

 Because I’m by myself I feel like I’ve been forced to stand up….have my feet planted deeper….making my back appear straighter than it actually feels.

Ultimately I like who I am growing in to. I hope I’ll some day be that fierce lion…but well balanced… with some tender approachable traits too.